


Beautiful Stranger

by ABeautifulBreakdown



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Has a Dirty Mouth, Cancer, Casanova Cassian, Chaotic angst, Didn't mean for it to be a one night stand, Discussion of Abortion, Doctor Maz Kanata, F/M, Family, Foster Dad Luke, HAE I promise, Han's got a Bum Ticker, Hook-Up, Hospitals, Lawyer Ben Solo, M/M, Major Illness, Miscommunication, One Night Stands, Oral Sex, Phasma is a... sweetheart?, Protective Ben Solo, References to Illness, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey is a nurse, Sex, Sick Kid, Single mom Rey, Slow Burn, Snoke is a dick, Sorry Not Sorry, Time Skips, Uncle Finn, Uncle Poe, University, Unplanned Pregnancy, angst with a HAE, author doesn't know what she's doing, awkward reunion, don't touch her ass, frat party, kids with cancer, sorta slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:13:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 133,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23338951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABeautifulBreakdown/pseuds/ABeautifulBreakdown
Summary: Modern AU, After a chance encounter with a Beautiful Stranger Rey's life, is changed forever. Years later, older and wiser fate forces them together again but a lot has changed since that first meeting. How will they fit in one another's worlds now?
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo, Phasma/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 250
Kudos: 341





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's a full moon, tonight, the sky a glittering swell of pinks and purples fading into a dark dusky sky littered with stars. The city is a maddening rush of sounds and voices, the lights and noise pollution reverberating through its core. The city proper never stops, it's a live wire of activity and movement. Tall towering buildings standing over open pedways which skirt busy streets. People come and people go, they move and dance around one another with indifference and carelessness that makes them blind to their fellow human. Heads in their phones, minds in their social media presence. Pictures and half-truths of the lives they wish they were leading plastered in front of the one they actually are. It's easy to hide your truth when the filters make everything look so much better.

When you're so tied up in thinking about what you want sometimes you forget to go after it and sit stagnantly. It's hard to hold yourself up against those around you who seem to have it all but the reality is, everyone is struggling and everyone needs help.

It's why Rey enjoys medicine so much. People are often brought down to the truest form of themselves when they have to ask for help. She doesn't tie into a lot of this social media foolishness a fact which drives her friends utterly bonkers. She likes to experience people for who they are not who they think they want to be, or what the world thinks they should be. Illness and injury strip people down in a way that makes it harder to hide. She loves the purity of it, the presence of mind that comes with simply being in a moment for someone who needs a hand to hold or someone to listen. There's the fun stuff too, the taking of blood and assisting the doctors but it's the interaction with patients that made Rey want to get into nursing in the first place. The desire to be a presence for people who need a kind face and someone to care for them.

Then there are the nights of the full moon. The nights when chaos erupts and you have to hustle as you've never hustled before. The Emergency room at Aldera Royal-Memorial hospital is always busy but on nights like tonight the ER becomes a chaotic mess. The room vibrates with the need of the masses as people fill the space desperate for someone to care.

Fluorescent lights buzz, voices chime in a myriad of sounds. Low hushed conversations, sobs of agony, moaning complaints about wait times and pain. The waiting room is full to bursting with people flooding down the harrow hallways that spiderweb from the main waiting area. Everyone is waiting for something, a doctor, a nurse, a file, blood work. There is a raw need that shudders like an open wound and only so many bodies to treat it. Already she has helped extract a knife from a man's leg after he was stabbed by his neighbor for drunkenly urinating on said neighbors prized rose bushes (for the fifth time). She was present when the man came in with the toy car stuck in his rectum. She held the hand of a woman who was hit by a car while she was visiting, (stalking) her ex-boyfriend. She has rushed and hurried drawing blood from patients, delivering lab reports, and helping administer drugs when prescribed by doctors. She helped restrain a patient for Doctor Holdo who had fallen through a plate glass window. The patient was peppered with shards of broken glass all through her face and shoulder which required a slow finesse that was mesmerizing to witness. She tried to chart when she could but was often called away by Doctor Holdo or Doctor D'Acy the physicians on staff in the Emergency Department that night. Rey was good with people which made her a go-to for most doctors when it came to difficult patients.

She's oddly ok with being the golden girl. When she's busy the evening goes by quickly and she likes it when that happens. More often then not she finds herself working through her breaks as a means of not interrupting her stride. The need for the patient always outweighs her need for a sit-down, there's plenty of time for that later She's also admittedly a bit of an adrenaline junky, she's fascinated by the trauma and insane things the human body can be put through. She loves being able to be a part of the process, having answers to give to patients after everything is said and done with a smile and reassurance that they will be ok.

That's why she's content to skip off, an apple in her hand when she's paged to the nurse's station around ten-o-clock that evening. She's only three hours into her shift when she finds herself summoned by the charge nurse on staff that night. Jyn doesn't like Rey much but she doesn't need to, Rey's a hard worker and she gets the job done. The older woman needs more workers like her, maybe with a little less attitude but you can't have it all. It's not that Rey is rude or sassy, she's simply unyielding and fierce, a defense mechanism built up from years in the foster system. She has a particular love for difficult cases too, rising to the challenge when patients get inpatient or sassy and need a strong hand.

Jyn is leaning against the desk at the nurse's station overseeing a staffing issue on the computer when Rey approaches. She's munching away happily on her apple when the older woman lifts her head. "Shouldn't you save that for your break," she says with an annoyed sort of poignance.

Rey shrugs her shoulders as she chews on the crisp, sweet fruit, "You know I'll work through it," she says over a mouthful of apple pieces. She swallows, smiles and then adds, "Figured it would be better to walk and eat quickly."

The charge nurse rolls her eyes at Rey, both women know there is no point arguing the fact. Rey may be a powerhouse of a worker but she has the appetite of a horse and is constantly snacking to keep up her energy. You can't be perpetually chipper if you're starving. Jyn simply lifts a brow as she slides her thick-rimmed glasses back off her face, working her thumb and index finger against the bridge of her nose.

"Something I can help with?" Rey asks as she leans in to take a quick peek at the screen. As she expects rooms are full and there's a bottlenecking of patience in triage that screams disaster, "Let me guess, Jess called in sick again?"

"Jess and Tori, this is Jess' third in two weeks though," Jyn confirms ruefully.

Rey licks the essence of apple off her upper lip as she says, "Think she's knocked up?"

The two women share a knowing look, "Hungover is more like it." Jyn's words are sharp and annoyed as she sighs at her own foolish mistake. Rey knows she's frustrated and didn't mean to let a personal opinion slip and so pretends she doesn't hear her, "forget I said that."

Giving her superior a look of incredulity Rey offers the woman a happy, "Said what?" as she takes another crispy bite. "Seriously, what do you need? Where do you need me?"

Sliding her glasses back down over the bridge of her nose Jyn moves away from the computer grabbing a handful of charts as she walks, "Honestly, three more of you," she huffs, placing the charts with a group of others on a stack that is well known as the 'to be filed later' orphans. "We're short-staffed, it's a full moon and Doctor Kanata has requested your assistance."

Rey makes a face, her nose scrunching slightly. Doctor Kanata is the hospital's cardiothoracic genius. She's a bit eccentric but utterly brilliant. Rey has worked with her a handful of times when she's picked up shifts for other nurses in the other departments but her job has always been in an emergency. "But, we're swamped?" Rey makes to argue, "We just had two OD's roll in and there's a man in triage holding his thumb and pinky finger in a plastic bag!" It's an argument for how busy they are but Jyn can see it for what it is. A trauma junkies candy store. Of course Rey hasn't mentioned the litany of chest pains, head colds and other minor cases that could be dismissed quickly, she went with the big ones.

"You should have been a doctor kid," Jyn says with a shake of her head, her dark ponytail swinging behind her. "I know how busy we are, the doctors are going to have to send the wittle interns into the trenches because I don't have the staff and Kanata asked for you specifically." Jyn's annoyance with the interns is legendary. She's spiteful and cruel to them when you catch her on a bad day but most of the time she just ignores their presence.

"Any idea why?" Rey says as she tosses her leftover apple core into a nearby garbage. Jyn gives her a look that cries 'really?' as Doctor Holdo sweeps passed, a tall beautiful woman with greying purple hair swept up in an elegant oriental looking banana clip. Jyn is moving towards the doctor ignoring Rey when Rey bites out, "And where is Doctor Kanata?"

Both Jyn and Amilyn Holdo look at Rey suddenly, "Cardio wing?" Jyn offers sarcastically.

Holdo on the other hand gives Rey a sad sort of smile, "She was down in the main hall last I saw, she has a patient coming in she's all fired up about. That's why she was able to snag you so easily. If you can get away a bit later come and find me k?" and Rey watches as Doctor Holdo and Jyn disappear through a set of swinging doors heading back towards the mass of needy patients. She can't help the feel a twinge of jealousy as she turns on her heel and stalks off towards the elevator.

She walks without her usual hustle, the wind taken from her sails as she meanders away from trauma and back into the heart of the hospital. Her sneakers squeak against the clean floor as she shoulders open a set of doors. She's on the third floor and she needs to go down to the main level if she's to find Doctor Kanata. As her steps carry her forwards her phone vibrates against her hip. She has the small device tucked into the waistband of her pants. It's against hospital rules and regulations but tonight she's made a personal acceptance.

Looking up and down the hallway carefully Rey extracts her phone to check the message. It's from Finn.

-Fever of 102.3 this is the third night now, getting worried-

As Rey slips onto the empty elevator she fires off a hasty response. Her fingers hammering against the screen in a desperate attempt at communicating before the doors open again and she gets caught. She's on her second night of overtime and she's utterly exhausted. She wants nothing more than to be at home in bed with her fluffiest, comfiest pajamas on curled up reading a trashy novel. The thought makes her smile. She's stuffing her phone back into the waistband of her black scrub pants just the elevator doors open revealing a very flustered looking Doctor Kanata. The cardiothoracic surgeon is muttering something about a pacemaker, her small beady eyes wide as she pushes her large circular lensed glasses up and on top of her head.

She's a short woman with honeyed caramel skin and curly dark brown hair that seems to have a life of its own. She's wearing the wavy mass tied back in a headband of orange her glasses now sitting on top of it. Maz is notoriously as blind as a bat, but will never admit it to a soul. She's hard-working, very demanding, incredibly funny and utterly unpredictable. Rey loves her. Doctor Kanata respects the nurses more than most doctors in the hospital and will often give them preference over her interns. It's a habit that's gotten her into heaps of trouble for in the past. She never seems to care though.

"Rey!" she cries as she steps onto the elevator. She's alone Rey notes, no sign of this mystery patient that Doctor Holdo had mentioned, "Thank goodness." Her hand is at Rey's elbow as she presses the button to the sixth floor and mutters something under her breath that sounds like 'stubborn old goat'.

Maz is a force to be reckoned with, she never stops thinking and rarely stops moving. Even now as the numbers overhead tick away counting the floors as they ascend she's shifting her weight from foot to foot. "You were looking for me?" Rey asks curiously. Her irritation at missing out on the emergency action is dissipating as she watches Maz. Her brain is a mess with thoughts and half-formed theories as she continues muttering to herself.

"What's that? Oh, yes, yes yes." Doctor Kanata nods as she works her tongue against her bottom lip, "I need your help dear," she tells Rey quickly, "We had a patient come in, issues breathing, pain in the chest, elevated heart rate, lightheadedness," then she pauses before adding with a strange look on her face, "Hiccups…"

"Heart attack?" Rey asks.

Maz presses her lips together, "No…" she says drawing out the sound of the 'o' as she thinks a moment, "I assumed that at first but it's the hiccuping that's got me thinking."

As the doors open and Maz steps off, Rey follows quickly behind. Doctor Kanata may be a small woman with short legs but she's quick as they come and Rey has a hard time keeping up. "Hiccups?" she calls after the doctor as she tries to match her speed, coming up short when Maz turns to face her.  
"It has to be his pacemaker," she says assuredly. Rey is confused, but excited until her phone vibrates against her hip again. It makes her jump which draws Doctor Kanata's attention away from her racing thoughts. "Problem dear?" she says knowingly.

"Sorry Doctor, family thing," she explains cryptically, placing her hand over her phone a moment to stop it from sliding down her pant leg.

"Unless someone is sick and dying Ms. Niima…" Maz's voice brokers no excuses as she raises a questioning brow. Rey can see that the Doctor is starting to question her decision to ask for her. It's a matter of professional pride when she says in a soft voice.

"Someone's sick, sorry. I picked up the overtime weeks ago but Luke's been sick the past few days and I couldn't call in sick myself." she's explaining quickly, her cheeks heating with embarrassment for divulging that much personal information. Doctor Kanata however doesn't seem phased in the least.

"Do you have a sweater? Maybe at the nurse's station?" Rey nods, "Go get it and put that damn device in your pocket before it slides out your pant leg but whatever you do don't let anyone else see you have it or we'll both be in trouble."

Rey breaks out into a grin as she nods, "Yes Doctor, thank you."

"Go now, meet me in my office in ten minutes. I'll fill you in there. The patient is down getting tests run, I have two of my interns with him. That should be fun," with a cheeky sort of grin she adds, "Want to make a bet on whether or not they screw up?" Maz's eyes glitter with mischievous intent as she waves her hand dismissively and wanders off without waiting for an answer, "Ten minutes!" she calls and she's gone.

Unsure how to respond Rey takes off in a brisk walk down the hallway. Her feet clamber along back to the elevator as she goes off in search of her cardigan. The hospital can be cold at night and it's always a good idea to keep a sweater on hand just in case. Even in the summer months it's not wise to be caught without a warmer layer. The air-conditioning can be a persnickety thing on the best of days.

The nurse's station is empty when she arrives. Rey flits around throwing her sweater on before grabbing a handful of cashews she keeps in a bottom drawer and a protein bar for later just in case. She's back to the sixth floor and in Doctor Kanata's office before her allotted ten minutes, panting slightly after running the last stretch of hallway.

Maz looks up from her desk, a piece of jerky hanging from her lip. "Good hustle," she says around the piece of dried meat, leaning back in her chair as she gestures for Rey to take a seat. "Do you know why I asked for you?"

The truth is Rey has no idea why she's been summoned. She's not sure if she's being praised or punished or maybe even punked. All she knows is she was told to report to a department head and so she did. Nervousness aside she's deeply curious, her insides flutter with possibility. Whatever it is with Maz Kanata at the helm it can't be boring.

"No idea," she answers softly, ignoring as her phone vibrates again from within her pocket.

The Doctors brow arches again, "You're good with people Ms. Niima, you take no shit but you can talk them down which is a skill I am desperately in need of tonight." Another buzz and Doctor Kanata says, "Answer it Rey but make it quick, I need your full attention here."

Fumbling to draw out her phone Rey drops it on the floor, scrambling to pick it up. The screen protector is already cracked across the middle with pieces shattered at the top. This impact does nothing more to harm the phone but it rattles Rey's nerves. She has several more text messages from Finn explaining that he's administered ibuprofen and is going to wait to see how the next few hours pan out. If the fever doesn't break he's taking Luke to the hospital. He also asks if she ate his leftover Pad Thai to which Rey groans and rolls her eyes. She responds quickly and then stuffs her phone back into her pocket. "All yours," she says resolutely as Maz sets to explaining their evening task.

Han Solo is an old friend and a patient of Maz's. He's had a series of minor heart attacks in the past which weakened his heart. A year or two ago she put in a pacemaker and Han was back to being a scoundrel in no time. Now he's back in with his wife in toe complaining of chest pain, dizziness, trouble breathing and most curiously consistent hiccups. Maz is pretty sure there's an issue with his pacemaker but she wants to make sure that there hasn't been further damage done to the heart. Han is a wildcard who doesn't like to believe he's getting older and that's where Rey comes in. She's the buffer. Her job is to keep him settled and keep him under control while the interns do their work and Maz figures out what exactly Han needs. She warns Rey the job may sound easy but she promises a challenge.

So she's babysitting. Rey's heart drops a moment as she realizes she's been pulled off the floor to watch an old man with an attitude problem. She doesn't want to admit she's disappointed but she's sure the brief look of it crosses her face before she can hide it from Maz.

"This is a big deal kid, do you know who Han Solo is?"

She's not from the area so local celebrities and politicians mean nothing to her. Han could be the next King of Alderaan and Rey would be none the wiser. When she show's no indication of comprehending the gravity of the situation Maz pushes, "Han Solo and Leia Organa?"

Organa, now that name Rey knows but she doesn't know from where. It feels funny as she says it over in her head a few times before it settles somewhere in the pit of her belly. "Sorry," she says slowly, she feels like she's failing here. First, she's at her phone, then she shows her hand and now she's utterly clueless as to who these people are and what they mean.

"The Princess of Alderaan?" now that name she knows.

"They're big donors here aren't they?"

Doctor Kanata points at her sharply as she says, "Bingo," climbing to her feet she checks her watch and nods for Rey to follow. They carry down along the hallway passed a series of rooms as Doctor Kanata continues to explain the situation. She draws the lines of relation between Aldera Royal and the Organa family, explaining where their money comes from and how they choose to use it. She skirts around the basics of the Princess herself, nicknamed such as a result of her family's immense fortune. Leia is a lawyer who still practices albeit limitedly. There's talk she may go into politics but it's all just talk. They have a son too, Ben. He's a lawyer like his mother but for the longest time they all thought he'd be a pilot like his father. He doesn't work for his mother's firm though. His firm are a bunch of up and comers who just became legal counsel for the hospital here.

It's all very convoluted but it paints a pretty picture. When they come to the end of the hallway, a room to the back which is rarely used Rey has a firm idea of how important these people actually are and the importance of the task she's being given. Maz turns to her as she slips her large lensed glasses back down and onto her nose. "Most importantly, don't let him walk over you. He's a sweet talker and knows how to manipulate." her small hand is pressed against the closed door as she inhales sharply, "And like I said, he's an old friend of mine, we served together and I outranked him so I'm giving you full permission, no matter where his money goes, you're allowed to give him hell and say its directly from me."

Her head is swimming with information as Doctor Kanata opens the door and forces her way in. Rey is on her heels just a few steps behind, her hands shoved in her pockets. Sitting in the bed surrounded by a pair of hapless interns is a gentleman who looks to be in about his early sixties. His grey-white hair is a little shaggy looking and disheveled as he pulls his arms away from one of the interns making it difficult for them to place the leads. Sticky tabs connecting to wires are hanging everywhere as a blonde intern with a pointed face and glasses fumbles and the gentleman grumbles about useless kids.

Maz is laughing as she looks to Rey, silently issuing her first challenge. It's fun if you look at it as a game. Han Solo is swatting at the interns like they're flies on a horse's rear end, pulling the heart monitor clip off his finger as he struggles in his johnny shirt. It was a good move removing him of his clothing, maybe modesty will keep him in check.

As Han moves to stand, his johnny shirt slips and Rey catches a glimpse of his paisley blue undershorts. That theory has now gone out the window. It's her turn to see what she can do. She steps up pushing one of the interns aside, "Mr. Solo," she says with a stern sweetness that gets his attention at once.

"Jesus where did you come from?" he startles, his arms no longer flailing as he leans away from her, "You another one of the pirate's minions?" he's glaring at her in accusation but she doesn't let it faze her.

"No sir," she says with a laugh keeping her tone light and her touch soft as she helps him ease back into his bed. He doesn't put up any fight as she uses her petite form to block him from further escape and gently nudges him down into a half seated position with his legs extended in front to him, "I'm a nurse here, my name's Rey. It's a pleasure." she says with a smile and she's adjusting his johnny shirt so that it adequately covers him again. "You seem a little frustrated, how can I help?"

Han's looking at her utterly bewildered. She's managed to subdue him, stopping his tantrum with quick efficiency. "My wife dragged me in here," he's complaining. When he's calm Rey can notice the slight intakes hitching at the back of his throat, the persistent hiccups Doctor Kanata had mentioned. "I feel fine really, I just got a little light-headed." he leans in close indicating should Rey to do the same, "I was going to take a viagra," he whispers conspiratorially, "I don't actually need them but it's our anniversary and…"

"And he's a damn fool," comes a voice from the doorway as a woman a little shorter then Rey enters the room. She has a handsome face and Rey can tell that in her youth she was a show stopper. Her lips are full, brown eyes shadowed by glasses with tinted frames. her hair is swept off her shoulders, the front clipped back behind her head while the rest is allowed to hang loose. She's wearing a black dress with opal embellishments and a pair of sneakers that don't quite fit the ensemble. "I should have never listened to you, telling me you were ok. This has been going on for days Maz, can you believe it?"

Maz rolls her eyes as the woman comes to stand on the other side of the bed leveling Han with a direct gaze. "You better listen or you'll never have use for those little blue pills again." she threatens. Han's brows raise into his hairline and he holds his hand out for Rey allowing her to place the heart monitor back onto his fingers.

"No more trouble from you?" she asks kindly as he crosses his arm adopting a child-like posture. His wife, Leia swats at him and he relaxes against the bed. Rey is beginning to think her presence wasn't necessary after all, Leia is a force to be reckoned with but she can see where Han may get her wound up. She's the buffer and the professional in this situation. She places the leads for the frightened intern, her hands slipping beneath the neck of the johny shirt with smooth deft fingers. Rey has always prided herself on her efficiency and before they know it Han's vitals are dancing to life on a screen located on a monitor above his head.

"The beeping is annoying," he grumbles as Leia smooths out his hair.

Her rings glint in the half-light of the room, the florescent monstrosities have been turned off leaving the room washed in the low light of the table lamps. The rings are old but pristine and Rey admires them fondly as Leia lets her fingers play against Han's scalp. His hiccupping is much more pronounced when he's relaxed and Maz is watching with a mute curiosity, her eyes flickering between Han and the monitor. He and Leia are talking in hushed tones now, entertaining a private conversation as Doctor Kanata ushers Rey and the interns towards the door.

"Cade and… what's your name again?" She asks larger of the two. A tall ginger with a wide face, green eyes and freckles.

"Harper, Doctor Kanata, Dahlas Harper,"

"Right, Cade and Harper, did you get the echo I asked for?"

The two interns looked sheepish and Maz's eyes bulge, magnified by the roundness of her glasses. She's got her thumb and forefinger against the bridge of her nose as she sighs and then turns to Rey, "Ok, These two need to get that done, you'll stay with them? Page me if I'm needed I have a few other patients to check in on. If his pressure fluctuates too much page me. Me, not Doctor Durst or Chisholm you got that? Me. Those suck-ups aren't to get anywhere near Solo."

Once everyone is given their task, the interns bustling off in a bumbling mass Rey turns and joins Leia at Han's bedside. "Do either of you need anything?" She asks pleasantly,

Han makes a childish face, "I'd kill for a cheeseburger." he grumbles his arms still folded as he looks away from both Rey and his wife in a petulant act of defiance. He knows he's not getting a cheeseburger just like Rey knows this is all an act.

"No, thank you, dear, our son will be here soon, he's bringing me a change of clothes and a coffee."

That got Han's attention, he turns quickly to Leia hazel eyes wide and affronted, "You called the boy?" he cries, shifting so that he's sitting up a little more now. Rey is careful to watch the leads and monitor as the leads strain against his movements but stay resolutely stuck to his body. Good.

Leia gives Han a look as if to say, 'don't be stupid' as she shakes her head at her fool of a husband. "I suppose you've been instructed to stay with us have you?" she calls to Rey who is moving around the room now tidying up the already immaculate space. She has never done well with idle time and when given nothing to do, she often cleans. It's an annoying habit that bothers her family but Rey hates to be still. She feels restless and uneasy as her phone bounces against her hip from within her pocket vibrating once, then again. She ignores it for fear of being rude wondering idly about her patients and their story as she turns to them with a smile.

"I'm all yours," she tells them happily, her phone vibrates again and panic starts to set in. She opts to ignore the bubbling heat welling up inside of her when the vibrations set to a steady rate indicating phone call and not text message. Guilt pools deep within her chest as she glances at the door.

"Are you ok?" Leia asks.

Han quips, "You're looking a little squirrelly there kid…"

When the vibrating doesn't stop Rey excuses herself and steps into the hallway quickly. There's a small alcove in the corner that overlooks the hospital gardens and Rey slips into it, hiding from sight. When she pulls her phone out she has several text messages and two missed calls. Sweat breaks out across her back as her mind tumbles into a state of worry. Soon Finn's name lights up her screen again, he's calling for the third time and this time Rey answers.

"Finn, is everything ok?"

"I don't know Rey, this fever isn't coming down. I've tried the ibuprofen, and I'd already given him acetaminophen before that so he's double dosed. I'm getting really worried."

"Fuck, ok." Rey's mind reels running through the possible causes, things they came into contact with over the last week, things they'd eaten lately. It had to be a bug there was no other explanation. She was beginning to feel helplessly stuck at work with no way to provide any sort of relief. "Is he conscious?"

"And miserable," Finn responds, "look Peanut, I'm giving it until Poe gets home from work and if this hasn't gotten any better then I'm taking him in."

Rey is agreeing quickly as she checks her watch, Poe will be home in another twenty minutes, not too long but long enough to allow the meds to kick in. "Ok, I'm in cardio tonight but Holdo is on in Emergency, bring him in there. Tell them who you are and that they need to get Holdo, she'll get a hold of me."

They share a moment of quiet before Finn agrees, tells Rey he loves her and they both hang up. Rey's mind is in a tailspin. She hates herself for having picked up these extra shifts. She should be home with her family instead she's picking up shifts she doesn't need.

Shaking herself off Rey scrubs her hands against her cheeks, wiping away the glistening unshed tears that are threatening her quiet resolve. She squares herself up and pushes into the room again a sweet smile fixed to her face, "So sorry about that."

Her apology is accepted with a sweet smile and the next hour or more is passed by in polite conversation. Leia asks Rey about herself while Han grumbles about how hungry he is and asks when 'Ding and Dong' are going to return. It's a good question, Rey was sure they were supposed to come back to do an echo but Cade and Harper appeared to have gotten lost on their way. Rey's ok with it though. She finds herself sitting on the end of Han's bed while he and Leia sit side by side, Leia stretched out next to him, her sneakers discarded on the floor

She likes them, they're a sweet couple, funny and down to earth. When Han is more relaxed he has a way of telling stories that have you hanging off of his every word. He talks about his time as a pilot and how he flew in both the public and private sectors. That was how he met Leia. She and a friend were going away for spring break and they met Han at a bar in Naboo. What was intended to be a one night stand ended up with Han extending his stay so that they could get better acquainted?

They love each other in the way that the people in Rey's romance novels do. They're completely enamored with one another like two people who have just fallen in love. According to them though they've been together over thirty years and Rey can't help but hope she finds even a quarter of that affection in another human being.

Doctor Kanata comes back periodically to check in inquiring after her interns only to storm off in annoyance. There is a strong likelihood they were stolen away by another Doctor for more grunt work. Rey says a silent prayer for whatever Doctor stole Maz's interns because there's bound to be hell to pay. Finally Kaydel Connix shows up, her hair pulled back in a pair of matching buns. She's eager and bright-eyed and ready to take Han for more scans. Rey agrees to stay with Leia at Han's insistence but she'll be down to get him in a little bit.

It's passed twelve when Rey's phone goes off and without thinking she pulls it from her pocket. Her cheeks flush pink when she realizes her error and she apologizes profusely to Leia. It's strange to feel so comfortable with someone like this but a text message at twelve is more than likely from Poe or Finn.

"Boyfriend?" Leia asks curiously as she peeks down at the phone.

'POE' is illuminated against the dark screen in big letters, "Oh no, roommate," she says casually then realizes how it might look that she's so blasé about checking a text from a roommate, "Someone at home is sick, I should be there with them but I picked up an extra shift. They're keeping me updated." she explains.

Poe is telling Rey that Luke's been asleep for the past hour or so, not to worry. If anything changes they'll let her know. She smiles good news thank goodness.

"I'm surprised Ben isn't here yet," Leia says idly checking her watch as she shifts into the warmth of Han's position. She's curled up against his pillow when her eyes drift shut. The room falls into a hushed quiet as Rey adjusts the lighting and throws a spare blanket overtop of Leia's now sleeping form. Once she's sure Leia is out Rey slips from the room and ventures down to the imagining department to find Han. Kaydel is just finishing up with him as Rey arrives. He looks thoroughly annoyed and she's beginning to feel bad for sending the intern on her own.

"You behaving there Solo?" Rey chimes, her hand pressed against the door frame as she slips into the room. Han is just getting situated back into his wheelchair as Rey approaches.

"I thought that part as optional," he quips lightly, leaning forward so that his elbows rest against the arms of the rolling chair, "Where's my wife?"

"I left her asleep upstairs, thought you might have missed us so I came down to check on you." she says teasingly, "Can he have some apple juice or something? He really should keep his sugars up." she finds herself telling Kaydel.

The intern is looking nervous, eyeing the scans on the screen. She doesn't hear Rey as she approaches, startling as she comes around to look at the computer. Rey is by no means an expert at reading scans but she can certainly pick up on a few things. That with the fact that Kaydel looks utterly flummoxed has Rey thinking something is very wrong. After another quick glance she sees what the intern is looking at and a low-grade panic begins to well up from deep within her. "You should go get Maz now," Rey whispers quickly, "Right now, go." she nods to the scan and the intern agrees. She's out of the room quickly while Rey saunters over to Han, wheeling him away as if nothing has happened.

"Where's she going in a hurry?" asks a gruff and irritated Han.

"Frightened off by your animal magnetism," Rey replies lightly making Han laugh. It's a nice sound, kind, and earnest.

He turns his head as they make their way down the hallway, "I like you, you know that? you're a good kid," he tells her before changing the subject. "My good for nothing son show up yet?"

It's Rey's turn to laugh, she isn't sure if Han is joking or the animosity he has for his son is real but she's going to assume it's a joke. "No, not yet,"

As they return to his room Han is telling Rey about the night he had planned for him and Leia. He's pissed off that his bum ticker couldn't hold out for one more damn day but he knows how he'll make it up to her. He's a funny guy, charming in a way that's almost old fashion as he talks about wooing his wife.

"She's good and woo'd already don't get me wrong…" he's saying happily as they come around the corner that leads to his private little area of the hospital. He's the only one down here so the tall man in the suit hovering about causes Rey to pause. His back is turned to them and he looks like he's looking for something. Wearing a grey button-down dress shirt, the cuffs rolled up exposing well-defined forearms, a black waistcoat, black slacks and she's willing to bet a black tie. His blazer, also black she notes is slung over one of his forearms as he glances down the hallway opposite.

Rey can't help but admire the way his shoulders look, cut beneath the fine fabric. He's lean and broad, his dark hair holding the slightest wave as it sits around his shoulders. When he finally turns to face them, his profile lit by the ungodly bright florescent lighting Rey picks up on the silhouette of a strong nose, full lips and a beauty mark gazing his cheek. This beautiful stranger causes her chest to flutter in a way that makes her mentally admonish her foolishness.

"Dad?" the stranger he calls, striding towards them now.

But after a moment of taking him in Rey realizes he's not a stranger at all, she knows him from before, a meeting once upon a time as his name ghosts passed her lips causing him to freeze in his tracks.

"Ben?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to rock back and forth between past and present for a bit. This chapter was originally written first and I was going to keep the story linear but I figured I would try something a little different and see how it plays out. Let me know what you think! cheers lovelies xo

The music is loud, heavy, and vicious, the bass thumping so hard that it causes her chest to flutter uncomfortably. The distinct lack of alcohol in her system makes it difficult to tolerate parties like these where bodies move and gyrate with little decency and the air is thick with drug-addled smoke. It makes her feel like a freshman all over again only far less tolerant. Frat parties are all the same she's come to realize over her three years of university. The music changes but the atmosphere stays the same. It's thick with pulsing need and a lack of inhibitions that Rey finds she often wants to avoid.

For some reason Finn loves these damned parties, maybe because at his first one he'd gotten obliterated and ended up going home with Poe Dameron a friend of one of the frat house seniors. That was the night their little due became a trio and Rey realized, truly realized that being a foster kid didn't make you broken. It simply gave you a more relaxed idea of what family really was or really could be.

So, here she is again, at another party that Finn decided was essential to his social standing. It's another evening where she has to watch her drinks too closely and tolerate being groped by drunk assholes who claim they thought she was someone else. God, she's starting to feel old. Finn asked though and it's hard to turn him down when he gives her the pouty lip and puppy dog stare. In reality he asks for so very little from her and gives so much that it's hard to begrudge him her company for a few short hours until Poe gets off work. When the two lovers are reunited Rey will skip away home, possibly take a long walk through campus or maybe just take a cab. Big parties like these usually encourage a level of foolishness and debauchery of a dangerous variety. When all Rey wants to do was settle in after a warm shower, possibly a bath if she were feeling adventurous, her cozy pajamas and her lovely warm bed.

How then is it now ten-thirty and Rey hasn't found herself on her way home yet?

Well funny story, Beaumont had fallen down the stairs, hitting his head on the love seat at the edge of the makeshift dance floor. That was where her evening really started. Rey had rushed to his aid only to find the Master's student laughing to himself pleased that he had somehow not managed to spill his drink. Then there was Rose, a fellow foster kid who had been taken in by Skywalker and his huge heart. She'd been hung up on Finn since their grade eleven year and often took to intense fits of tears whenever she found herself plied with too much alcohol. It wasn't a common thing but definitely an annual, maybe biannual occurrence and that was how Rey found herself sitting in the upstairs bathroom with her distraught friend. Rose lay in the bathtub while Rey sat on an old vanity and hollered at anyone who tried to venture into their sacred space looking to take a piss.

After that she'd stopped not one but two separate fist tights from escalating and saved Kaydel from a rather aggressive-looking fella who obviously hailed from Kashyyyk. He was a tall bearded man with broad shoulders and an inability to understand 'no means no'. That was likely more a result of his drunken spice induced stupor. She'd even helped roll a handful of joints for a group of stoners who were far too high and nowhere near dexterous enough to complete the task themselves.

By the end of all of that she is now sore, her hair reeks of marijuana and someone is doing spice in one of the upstairs bathrooms. The smoke is billowing out from under the door at a rather alarming rate filling the air around them with the thick sickly sweet scent of coal, cinnamon, and something that Rey can't quite place. Earth of some kind. It's at this point Rey doesn't know that she has it in her to care anymore. She's tired of these pointless parties and the lack of control that makes none of this seem worth it. What is the point, she often wondered, in getting so high you think pissing in the bushes is a good alternative to a bathroom. Or so drunk that giving some guy a blowjob while he finger fucks your best friend in a closet is a solid life choice?

That is how Rey has come to find herself out on the roof of the old victorian home weighing her potential options. The night air is cool and wondrously fresh. It makes her skin tingle and sweeps away the smell of vomit and Rylothian spice leaving the world raw and clean. The crisp scent of late autumn hangs in the air like an afterthought clearing her head of the doldrums of sober party life. On any other evening she may have been cold sitting out against the cool air in only a light long-sleeved sweater, a pair of tight skinny jeans and worn, old, converse sneakers. Her hair she's pulled back and out of her face in a sweeping braid to avoid having anyone pull it or grab her by it which she hates to admit happens a lot at these events.

Yes, the fall air is brisk but the heady warmth of the party is suffocating and Rey is in need of a break from it all. Her cheeks feel flushed and utterly wondrous as a breeze picks up and kisses against her flesh softly. Pulling her sleeves down and over her hands, set rests her elbows against her knees and closes her eyes allowing herself to simply take it all in.

The evening is clear, and bright, and beautiful. The stars, just barely visible beneath the hazy city lights beyond. It's the most vibrant she's ever seen them since moving to Chandrilla. Their twinkling luminance struggling against the light pollution from the city that never stops. She came from someplace smaller, someplace warmer, and far quieter than this but the University here in Chandrilla has one of the best nursing programs around.

She'd known from a young age that she wanted to do something with her hands. It had been quite early when she had learned how to tinker with electronics, taking them apart and putting them back together. It started with smaller items and then worked its way up to cars and motorbikes. She could take apart an engine and put it back together better than most of her male friends. One would have thought that being a mechanic of mechanical engineer would have been her calling but no.

Rey wanted to go into medicine.

When Rose's sister Paige got sick, the group of them spent a lot of time in the hospital. The doctors were always stone-faced and used big words never looking at the teens when they begrudgingly provided the group with any information. They came and went like shadows, checking stats and making odd "hmming' noises before they disappeared again not to be seen for hours at a time.

The nurses on the other hand were like angels. Paige had an incredible team of men and women who worked with her and watched her around the clock. They were always there to help with her breathing mask, they took their time helping her to eat, cleaning up her vomit rubbing her back when she was racked with another coughing fit. They welcomed the group with open arms, didn't balk at their overwhelming presence and always smiled despite the unimaginable difficulty they experienced day-in and day-out. They were there around the clock to answer any questions, hold any hands, or give hugs to those of them who needed it. And when Paige passed away late in the evening, it was a nurse who sat with her holding her hand as she struggled to breathe, her body weak and failing. It was a nurse who held Rose while a doctor explained to Luke what had happened and how Rose should get herself checked out as soon as possible.

The girls had come from Hayes Minor, a mining city to the far north. Its citizens were all getting sick now after the government had come through and stripped the area of its natural resources. They contaminated the water, they polluted the air, they made the ground unstable and unviable for crop growth and then they just left. Rose and Paige's parents died when they were young and with so many kids already in the Hayes Minor foster system the sisters were moved out to a larger city. They were in a foster center in Takodana when Luke had found them.

Their foster father, Luke, like many others had been shocked when Rey confessed that she wanted to apply to a nursing program after they found out about her scholarship. He'd assumed she would want to stay close to home and maybe go to the University of Corellia to take engineering or robotics. Still he was the picture of a supportive parent as he was with everything Rey choose to do in her life. She was the closest thing he was ever going to have to a daughter, his first foster and the beginning to a home full of kids who needed love and guidance. Often fondly referring to her as his foster fail, she was the kid he had the hardest time letting go of, the one he favored when he wasn't suppose to have favorites.

His is the voice in her head when she does something stupid and the encouraging smile she turns to when she needs a pep talk. Luke is like magic in her eyes and when he said he knew she would make a great nurse that was all she needed to hear. She threw herself into it with everything she had.

How then is it that she has come to find herself on the balcony of Hanna House, the Campus' largest fraternity?

It's a question she finds herself pondering when he turns up. She thought she was being smart when she picked this patch of safely hidden rooftop. The hallway window opened onto it's gentle slope and if you managed to balance yourself just right you could scoot back against the frame of the house and hideaway. Too well apparently as the tall form of a man dressed in a leather jacket forces himself through the small opening. He is long, all limbs and torso with dark hair swept back and away from his face.

They are up high enough that their position hovers over the street lights below but the bright glow casts his pale face in their soft light. His profile shows off a strong straight nose and full lips pouting around a cigarette which hangs lewdly from his lips. He doesn't notice her at first tucked away against the siding of the old home. He's utterly engrossed in his task at hand, digging through his pockets in search of something. A lighter she assumes as she watches him carefully. His jacket falls somewhere around his middle but his shirt sits just across his rear end. He has himself positioned, one leg partially bent, the other straight as he leans back for balance, giving her the impression of a movie star on break from set. He's relaxed, his form graceful as his eyes seem to stare out and over the three-story drop, hands still patting down his pockets before he seems to locate what he's looking for.

Rey catches the glint of silver as he extracts a zippo from his pocket, not one of the cheap toss aways but a real heavy-looking thing. He flicks the wick a few times before the flames spring to life and then die, spring to life and then die again. He's turning his head, cupping his hands around the white stick protruding from his mouth when his eyes fall upon her.

He jolts, "Sweet Jesus Fuck!" he cries dropping his cigarette from his lips in the process. They both watch as it rolls away down the shingled roof and into the eaves. "Shit," he mutters as he turns his attention on her. He's tall and imposing, eyes dark and wide shaped by a strong brow. His long legs are clad in what she realizes is dark denim which hugs tightly against what appears to be muscular legs. There are holes in the pants, ripped and frayed down the front in several places. It's the type of style many bought into but these look thoroughly worn. His shirt is a v neck of simple light color, a grey or light blue maybe. It's hard to tell in this light and under the shadow of his dark leather jacket. It hugs his torso in a way that makes Rey's eyes linger just a little longer than they probably should.

His chest is heaving slightly, she obviously startled him, "What the hell are you doing out here?" the sharpness in his tone confirms it. He almost sounds like he's accusing her of something.

Rey throws her hands up in mock defense, "Sorry!" she cries unsure whether she should shift onto her feet or tell his beautiful stranger to fuck right off.

When she shifts onto her hip to push herself up, the man standing before her raises his hand and says in a more neutral voice, "No, No. Stay." He sounds almost sorry but doesn't indicate it, "You just scared the shit out of me is all." He lowers himself down and scuttles along the shingled rooftop until he's crouching beside her. It's a safer way to approach as the fall is quite a substantial one. "Party not your thing?" He asks casually as he settles down next to her, a little closer then she anticipated he might.

His presence is warm and all-encompassing, like when you take your first short of Corellian fire whiskey. It soothes something in you, licking at your insides with a delicious burn before settling into the pit of your stomach. "No…," she says with a quiet smile, "Came with a friend, lost that friend."

The man laughs softly, a soft deep chuckle which Rey finds oddly confusing. "Your friends not big on the whole chicks before dicks code huh?" He's fiddling with the wrapper on a fresh pack of smokes, angling himself away to stuff the plastic into his pants pocket awkwardly.

She watches him as he taps the small square packet against his palm and then draws one out tucking it behind his ear, "Not so much," she says slowly, his easy movements fascinating her for some reason or another, "He really enjoys dicks… or well one in particular." She says with a light but a surprisingly sad laugh of her own.

There's a slow nod of understanding from her new acquaintance as he offers her a cigarette, lazily holding the open packed out to her. When she shakes her head he stuffs the small box into his coat and switches it out for his zippo. "Do you mind if I do?" he asks as he draws the little white stick from behind his ear. It's in his mouth before she can respond and her eyes fixate on his lips again.

Shaking her head, Rey pulls at the sleeves of her sweater, working the material down and over her fingertips a second time. "Go for it," She finds her voice filled with an odd sort of ease, "They're doing way worse in there"

"Fuck, tell me about it, I walked in on a devil's threesome trying to go to the bathroom. How is that even comfortable?" His words are mumbled slightly around the cigarette in his mouth and she isn't quite sure she's heard him correctly.

"A what?" She asks in disbelief, turning her head to gaze at him with a look of shock and curiosity.

He pauses, drawing the stick from his mouth as he half turns towards her, "You know, two guys on one chick. I mean, sure it's an adventure but a bed would be so much easier than that tiny upstairs bathroom." She could only assume that he's talking from personal experience as he pops the cigarette back into his mouth and sets to lighting the damn thing.

Guys like this make her nervous. They're unpredictable, unbelievably comfortable in their own skin, and way more knowledgable about things than she ever dreamed of being. He's also beautiful in a dark and utterly mysterious way that makes her want to know what his lips would feel like pressed anywhere and everywhere against her body "Is she ok?" Rey asks without thinking in an attempt to draw her thoughts away from his devilish mouth and those full lips that hold onto that cigarette like it was a lifeline.

He laughs again, louder this time. A booming sort of chuckle "Oh she seemed just fine," He says knowingly, "I didn't stop to ask, didn't want to be rude and interrupt but they all seemed very consenting.

Rey feels foolish and falls quiet. She watches him as he casts his eyes skyward and allows the shadows to swallow him in the eerie quiet. Her eyes trail the line of his profile as if committing it to memory. She's torn between wondering why she's still there and losing herself in his presence. She needs to get home, get away from this madness, the Rylothian spice, devil's threesomes, and his full kissable lips. It's all too much for her, over stimulating and stifling and she hasn't even been drinking. It's his mere presence that's causing her to react in a way that makes her feel stupid and giddy but utterly terrified at the same time.

Never in her life has she felt so drawn to a complete stranger. As a matter of fact she went out of her way to avoid interactions like this. With people like him. Men who sparked a dangerous curiosity and makes her want things she had no right wanting. It isn't that she's a prude or even overly cautious per-say. She is just far more aware than most. She takes in things around her that others miss. Like how he seems to lean into a sort of grunge bad boy look but his shirt despite its all too plain appearance is clearly brand name. His boots too are Doc Martens not thrift store army boots, their leather crisp and new. The way he holds his cigarette too is careful, as though he's trying to avoid tarnishing his nails with nicotine.

She sees through the veil that most people surrounded themselves in and so never really had much of an interest in relationships outside of those she curated with her friends. It's hard to date when you see people for who they were through who they pretended to be. If people could simply be honest with themselves as well as all those around them, life would be a lot simpler.

Still, this man with his eye to the sky drew her in, in a way she can't explain. It's unsettling. She has to get away from him as quickly as possible. Promptly making up her mind, she moves to stand, shuffling her feet against the rooftop as she suddenly stumbles arching her back in order to catch her balance. To her surprise a warm ring of fingers finds itself wrapped around her wrist and this man, this beautiful stranger is at the other end, "Careful little mouse," he says with a strangely affectionate softness.

Staring down at the place where his flesh meets hers she feels her cheeks flush in the odd realization that he's been paying close attention to her, "T-thanks" she bites out with an awkward smile, trying now to shift around him while he keeps his grasp trained of her wrist.

He watches her with curious amusement before he asks, "Where are you going?" His fingers are broad and the grip on her wrist is warm, firm, and as unrelenting as his stare. In the dark, with her back to the light his eyes look like two black pieces of pitch set against his pale pallor. She can feel herself falling into those deep pools of darkness, following the arch of his brow down along the length of his nose and back to those deliciously full lips. All roads lead to those lips, balancing a cigarette against them carelessly.

"Home," Rey tells him carefully not wanting him to let her go but desperate for the freedom of escape. Her heartbeat flutters against her chest like the steady soft beating of a hummingbirds wings. The heat of her curious attraction creeping up along her neck to settle into her cheeks and she forces herself to turn away.

If he notices he's kind enough to play dumb, "Do you have a ride? Will your friend escort you?" he asks instead. When he finally let's go he draws himself up onto his feet and begins to pat off his backside carelessly. He's gesturing for her to slip back through the window and into the house as he waits for an answer she isn't sure how to give. His reasons are lost on her. It might be the mere quandaries of a stranger, or perhaps he has a more nefarious reason for asking.

She purses her lips and chooses not to answer, turning to walk away after slipping back into the hazy warmth of the house. She catches sight of him pulling himself through after her with the grace and ease of a cat. It's miraculous how a person of his size can fit through such a small opening with so little effort.

When she turns and starts to make her way down the stairs, weaving through the crowds of people he's butting his cigarette out on the windowsill, his eyes trailing after her sweeping form.

Her plan is to get to the main floor and slip out into the front courtyard where the music isn't too loud and she could call for a cab. As her feet slip over the stairs she realizes there was one small problem with her plan. She's left her wallet at home to avoid forgetting it or losing it at the party. Finn had been so adamant that he would get her home safely one way or another and now Finn is nowhere to be found. She could text him, she thinks absently as she winds through a group of bodies grinding and thrusting against one another on the stairs. There were lips and tongues and hands everywhere. Rey, cautious not to touch or be touched, scoots along cursing this godforsaken night.

As she descends into the chaos the music grows louder, more insistent. Her mind is a jumble of thoughts and half-formed plans as she draws herself along the edge of the makeshift dance floor. She's weaving through the gyrating bodies when someone grabs her ass. She chooses to ignore the groping hand, her feet quickening their pace towards the door when her thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash and a scream. The group of bodies are spreading themselves wider, fleeing the presence of the man in leather who has grabbed some unwitting drunk boy and is pulling his up in a menacingly dangerous way by the front of his shirt.

The young man is screaming a loud, "What the hell!?" and Rey, tired of this party and all its stupidity is ready to ignore the show of neanderthal pride when she hears the man speak.

"What gives you the right to touch people like that?" he growls over the heavy tenor of the music. Turning, she watches as he then rears his fist back and slams it into the jaw of the belligerently drunk boy. Rey watches as his head jerks back, arching to the side in a way that is painful even to watch. It all seems to go down in an odd sort of slow-motion at first until her mislead knight in shining armor drew back and hits the boy again and again and again. His hold on the young man's shirt preventing the now very bloody creature from getting away until the man in the leather jacket drops his target unceremoniously to the ground.

As he stands over the bloody form of the man he's just beat, her tall beautiful stranger draws in a few ragged breaths. The air has changed, the room around them electric with alcohol-fuelled rage. She sees it all and yet only focuses upon him, the way his shoulders are set in a hard line preparing for another attack and without thinking she throws herself at him. "Stop it!" she growls, trying to end this barbaric display of testosterone which has been misplaced by way of avenging her honor. She claws at the leather of his forearm, pulling him back and away from his injured prey.

There is a stunned silence, the crowd around them is still and primed to explode. Someone turns the music down, the obnoxious hammering base has been making her teeth hurt so the loss is not mourned but it means someone is sober enough to be paying attention. The young man who'd grabbed her is on his hands and knees on the floor now, spitting blood viciously onto the hardwood. His face is a mangled mess, all around his eyes a mottled array of black and blotchy blood stained red.

"Apologize to the lady," Her associate demands as the boy on the floor stars up at them with a dangerous look of fear and pure unbridled rage.

"Fuck. You." he bites out, his voice coming across nasally as his passageways filled with blood. "Fuck you and your whore girlfriend."

Well now that wasn't a smart choice was it?

Before Rey can react, the man in her grasp swings his foot in a wide arc connecting with the boys face in harsh and jarring impact. The kid is obviously on drugs because he has no real reaction to the pain of it. His head whips back as a girl somewhere screams and his friends surge forward, crowding around him defensively. This is about to get very messy, very quickly. She can feel as the muscles of her captives forearms contract beneath the supple leather. His knuckles clenching and unclenching readying himself for a fight.

"Jesus, stop it already." she cries, striking him hard against his shoulder in a frenzied attempt at getting his attention. His dark eyes are wide as he reels around ready for another attack, "You gonna hit me too?" She challenges, her words crashing into him causing him to back down and draw away.

People are crowding around the young man now as he sobs and clutches at his jaw. The air seems to crackle like someone has lit a match ready to blow this powder keg of a situation wide open. The rage in the room is spilling over catching like wildfire and there's no way this is going to end well. They need to leave and they need to leave fast, "Come on," she grunts, tugging on his arm in an attempt to drag him along after her. When he doesn't budge, she slides her hand down along his forearm until her palm meets with the heat of his and she wind their fingers together. The sensation of her hand in his seems to stir him from his revere and he stumbles along after her.

They are through the front door and down the steps, the cool air spilling over them, ripping through her lungs in a torrent of icy daggers before she realizes she has been holding her breath. She sucks in the air, inhaling sharply as she turns her ire onto her strange companion only to find he hasn't let go of her hand yet and to her surprise, she doesn't really mind.

"What!" she hollers when the air in her lungs tapers into pinpricks, "Was that?"

There's a shrug and he replies, "He was a jack ass," as if that excuses the vicious beating he has just doled out.

Frustration bleeds into fear as Rey's eyes take in their surroundings, "We need to get you out of here before they decide revenge or retribution is the answer," The streets around them are eerily quiet and surprisingly empty which does not work in their favor. She has to come up with a plan that is more than just 'run' and she needs to do so quickly, "Do you live close to here?"

He worries his hand awkwardly through his shaggy dark hair, pulling it back and away from his face as he too seems to take a survey of their surroundings. "Not from around here," comes his easy reply, as though that doesn't really matter, "I'm visiting friends"

"And they are…?" Rey prods, she needs a location, a name, anything that might spark an idea before they found themselves surrounded by an angry mob.

"Not here, or maybe they are, I don't really know."

Rey lets out a wild cry of frustration, "Are you trying to be obtuse?" she begs the question but doesn't wait for an answer. She doesn't know why she has expected this to go easily, of course it could never go easily for her.

Raised voices can be heard from behind the open door as a woman is now historically crying for someone to call an ambulance. Rey knows the chances of that happening are slim. There are enough drugs on the primacies that someone or many someones will find themselves in a heap of trouble. The Rylothian spice is one thing, that's a slap on the wrist or maybe community service at worst. The Corellian tar and the Lothian hepsa on the other hand, come with serious jail time. Hanna House can't handle the poor publicity and the frat boys who live there were almost cult-like in their belief in secrecy and taking care of problems themselves.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place Rey makes the snap decision to take him someplace safe. The only place unfortunately she can think of is her apartment and the idea of spending more time alone with him is both tantalizing and terrifying. Can she trust him?

As much as she can trust anyone she supposes but there is an underlying tug from somewhere in the back of her mind. It winds around her logic and through her core in a way a gut decision settles in before you really lean into it.

Worst care scenario, he'll kill her and hide her body somewhere no one would find it.

"Fuck it, ok." she growls, "Come on." and she's moving with quick desperation. She needs to put as much space between them and the angry drunks as humanly possible. "You can let go of my hand you know," she tells him, irritation bubbling over but not from the fact that he's touching her. It's an annoyance in the evening and her own stupidity for going out in the first place.

He on the other hand seems quite unfazed by the action. Instead, he looks down at where their hands joined, giving hers a gentle squeeze, "That's ok, I like the way your hand feels in mine." He tells her sincerely, throwing her off guard as they set off down one of the side streets leading away from Hanna House.


	3. Chapter 3

The air feels thick and heavy as the man she knows to be Ben stands before her. He's older now, by several years in fact but he looks the same as he did on that rooftop all those years ago. Han is looking between them curiously, his brows quirked in a playfully mischievous manner as he settles on his son who is looking a mix of shocked, panicked and stunned all at the same time.

"It's…" Ben starts, his voice soft and full of childlike wonder as a smile quirks his lips and he points at her.

"Rey," she says and she's sure she's blushing now, lost in this surreal moment as his dark eyes take her in. His tie is black she observes, it's loosened as if he's been working at it anxiously. His mouth, those full kissable lips move as if to speak but he falls short and Rey finds she likes this level of light fluster about him.

"Yeah… I remember." he finally says shaking his head in a moment of bewilderment only to be drawn from it by his father.

Han is clearly amused by the interaction, Rey can feel as he shifts back against the wheelchair, his shoulders bumping her hands, "And here I was thinking this was about me," he jokes. Ben looks ashamed, suddenly suppressing his smile as he focuses on his father. The lack of attention is disappointing and yet a relief at the same time. Rey feels like she can breathe now that his eyes aren't holding her in her place.

"Dad, shit, yeah. You ok?" Ben asks, stuffing his hands into his pockets, "Where's mom?"

"In the room asleep, you didn't bring her a change of clothes?" Han asks sharply as he looks around his son to see the only item he carries is the light blazer draped across his forearm. "Kid, come on now."

It's at that moment the hurried flutter of feet sound from down the hallway. When Rey turns she sees Maz and a rush of interns at her heels. Cade and Harper are back looking quite sheepish as Kaydel stops alongside Doctor Kanata. "Ben, it's good to see you," she says pleasantly, "I suggest we all go have a seat in Han's room I have some things we need to discuss."

Han mutters, "Well that's never good," as Kaydel tries to scoop the wheelchair away from Rey. It's pointless though as Rey pushes forward indicating with a nod of her head which door is Han's so Ben can hold it open. As she brushes passed, he smiles at her in a way that makes her cheeks flush and her heart flutter. It's been a long time since a man has made her feel such a state of unease and the unprofessionalism of it makes it even worse.

The bustling wakes Leia up, her dark eyes laden with sleep as she shifts out of the bed to make room for Han. Maz is muttering with the interns Han calls 'Ding and Dong' which Rey finds rather amusing and Ben has his mother wrapped in a deep hug before draping his jacket over the back of a chair. Rey, unsure what to do with herself fills the idle time organizing Han's wires and tucking away equipment that is no longer needed. She's extra in the room, unneeded for this part but Maz tells her she needs her to stay so she does.

It's an odd family picture, Han and his wondrous stare sitting in a hospital bed as his wife stands by utterly dwarfed by their tall and very handsome son. She has her glasses pushed up on the top of her head, her dark eyes lined with exhaustion and worry as Maz begins to explain what the scans have shown. Han has had another series of small heart attacks, like spasms in the muscle. The problem is his pacemaker is now starting to malfunction on top of a rather dangerous blockage that appears to have formed. He's lucky he's even upright at this point.

"You're a stubborn old man Han, this time it may have saved your life." Maz quips trying to keep the conversation light despite the seriousness of the situation. He'll need surgery and the sooner the better. Maz wants to address the blockage and see how bad the damage is which will mean a bypass surgery and replacing the pacemaker. The worry is the damage done to the heart due to the minor spasms. She won't know until she's in but she's hoping there won't be a need for more work than that

The room is still, even Han has to take a moment to process the information. His joking smile is gone as he stares at Maz his mouth agape, "So, this is serious," he says finally.

Leia looks mortified, Ben a stonewall of unreadable harsh lines. Rey finds her mind slowly tracing over the fine detail of his profile, focusing on those incredible lips. When he looks up to see her staring those lips quirk in a quiet knowing smile which causes her to flush and quickly look away. She hasn't heard much of what is being said but apparently, they're talking to her because everyone in the room now, not just Ben is looking at her.

Han says, "What do you say kiddo?" as she flounders and looks between him and Doctor Kanata. Only Ben looks briefly amused, chuckling softly to himself only to catch an elbow to the gut from his mother.

"I'm so sorry I missed that completely," she says with an apologetic grin.

Maz gives her a look she's starting to recognize as fond irritation, "Are you ok if I steal you from Emergency for the next few days? I'll run it by Holdo of course but you're one of the few nurses with cardiac rehabilitation training and the family already knows you."

Rey is stunned by the request, her face betraying her emotions as she gives a curt nod, swallowing hard as she agrees, "Yeah, yeah that would be fine." she says easily enough.

Han looks pleased, even Leia smiles softly. Maz continues to explain her plan outlining projected timelines and essential needs. It's going to mean a bit of a stay in the hospital and a jigging around of Rey's schedule but Maz exudes a confidence that puts everyone at ease.

When she opens the floor for questions, Han is the first to speak up, "Well I don't know about the procedure, I'll trust you there, what I really want to know is how Ben knows the kid here?"

Everything stops.

Rey's skin crawls as all the eyes on the room settle on her again. It's like that dream where you show up to school and realize you're in nothing but your underwear. Maz is starting to look irritated but Rey can't tell if it's at Han, the late hour or possibly Rey for her blatant unprofessionalism. Leia looks like she wants to say something, she's primed to give Han another swat for his joking but then turns her attention to Ben. It's Ben who gives them away, his deep whiskey-colored eyes staring at her with an intensity she's often seen in her dreams.

There's a secrecy in his smile that only she knows the truth of as he worries a hand through his hair pushing it back and out of his eyes. She wonders if he remembers if it was as meaningful to him as it had been for her. A moment longer and she's back there, on that roof, at that party and he's everywhere for her again as if years hadn't passed and they weren't two completely different people now.

Her phone vibrates in her pocket and sheer panic settles into her bones. She's falling through a series of emotions that are too large for her to comprehend in one untamed moment. Still, he's watching her, she wonders if he can sense her panic, the way the back of her neck heats up beneath his gaze.

Maz makes a noise of irritation which stirs Rey from her mindful wanderings and she's back in the room again. "As thrilling as that may be. I have procedures to schedule and a surgery to plan. Rey, I trust…" Doctor Kanata pins Rey beneath her knowing stare. She's searching for the truth of the matter as though suddenly now it means something or makes a difference. Rey steels her resolve and nods, "good," she checks her watch absently, waving Ding and Dong out of the room with a twirl of her finger, "You're off in…"

"At Seven," Rey clarifies.

Nodding Maz says something to Kaydel quietly and the intern is off quickly, "Come and touch base with me before you leave." She's pulling her phone from her pocket and thumbing through her messages, "alright, I have to go, they need me in the trenches. Han, you have my number?" it's Leia who confirms as Maz adjusts her glasses and then turns her attention back to Rey. "You get me if anything changes," she says firmly.

"And only you," Rey assures her, "You got it. Do you want me to round on a few other patients on this floor since I'm up here?" she asks, trying to be helpful, trying to seem like more than the flighty teenage girl she's starting to feel like, trying to give herself space from Ben Solo and his intensely intoxicating stare.

Maz is halfway to the door when she turns, "No, I have Cade and Harper running point on that," she says with a wicked grin, "interns need to learn." and she's gone before Rey can ask anything else.

The room is quiet, but the focus is back on her. She's making excuses to get blankets and offers to go and get Leia a coffee or something to eat when Han stops her dead, "No, I think we need to hear how you two know each other." he says with a grin.

Her phone vibrates again and she's thrown back into the reality of it all. He's not just a fantasy, the image of a boy who she met once and never saw again. He's here and there's so much tied to it that it makes her want to be sick. It's not just those lips or that smile. It's everything he means.

"We met at a party once," Ben informs them easily as if it was nothing. Maybe it was nothing to him or maybe he's trying to throw them off their search for meaning in something he's not ready to share with anyone else.

Leia is nodding slowly, she wants more information, she's not happy with the bare minimum but Ben is tight-lipped so she turns her attention onto Rey with a kind warming smile, "Is that all?" Does she see it? Can they hear her heartbeat hammering against her chest as she tries desperately to gain footing and process all of this information at once?

"What party?" Han asks roughly, "When was the last time you went to a party?" It sounds like he's accusing Ben of something. Like he's accusing him of having fun. The man she met knew fun, he was wild and free and reckless. This man, this dressed in a three-piece suit fellow, he doesn't have the same glow of life. He's subdued and quiet and by the set of his shoulders wound incredibly tight. "When was the last time you had time for anything fun?"

"Dad," Ben admonishes, "I have fun,"

"It was what, four years ago now? Five?" Rey offers casually, "Hanna House at the University of Chandrilla."

Han and Leia share a look but Rey is too focused on escaping this conversation to really process what it may have meant. "Some impression," Leia muses and Rey is pretty sure she can detect the faintest glimmer of a blush creeping up Ben's neck, the tips of his ears sticking out beneath his hair a faint crimson.

Ben laughs as he works his hand over the back of his neck, "Yeah that sounds about right. So you're a nurse now," his observational astuteness is astounding.

"Your father's nurse," she tells him, her lips pressed together as she nods her confirmation. Her phone vibrates against her hip again and she's about to try and excuse herself when the door starts to slide open slowly. Rey, sure it's one of the interns returning with equipment of some kind swoops in to hold the heavy metal slab open. It isn't an intern at all but a tall blonde woman, her arms laden with goods. She's devastatingly beautiful with cherubic cheeks and a sweet mouth. Her skin is fair in a way that makes her glow, her short asymmetrical hair curled in a retro sweep pinned against her head. Her makeup is flawless as is her dress, a simple black number that clings tightly to her frame ending mid-thigh and showing off miles worth of long legs.

She enters with a smile chirping a friendly, "Thanks love," as she sweeps into the room. Her lilting accent and perfumed aroma making Rey dizzy. In her arms, she carries a tray full of coffees with a brown bag perched in the middle, a black coat, a large teal handbag and a knapsack. "Cheers," she says by way of dismissing Rey as she starts divesting herself of the items bogging her down.

"Han, Leia!" she kisses Han on the cheek as he rumbles his hello and then she wraps Leia up in a warm hug. "I've brought you clothes, coffee and treats. I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner but we had the driver drop Ben off as soon as our flight got in." her words are a rush of accented apology as she finds herself at Ben's side. Her arm winding around his back as she presses her ruby red lips to his cheek and continues after muttering a 'hello darling,' into his ear. "I went and picked up some things and came as quick as I could.

Leia gives the woman arm a soft squeeze of thanks and smiles, "I appreciate that Gwen, how was your trip?"

"Oh delightful, all Ben did was work of course," she never seemed to stop talking, her voice like something out of a movie, the Sound of Music or Mary Poppins. Very Julie Andrews in nature. "I think we'll do Naboo again though." she says with a flourish, "But never mind that, have you seen a doctor yet? what's happening?"

Ben's voice is a low rumble, almost as if embarrassed as he speaks to this Gwen at his side. His words are directed at the blonde but his eyes linger surreptitiously towards Rey, "Dad needs surgery, his pacemakers not working properly and he has a blockage so they're going to fix it."

Rey feels confused and an odd pang of jealousy as she watches the blonde woman, rub her hand against Ben's back. She is comfortable here with their family and it makes Rey feel a rush of something she can't quite identify. Her phone is vibrating again causing her to cast her eyes to the clock in the corner. It's nearly one am. That deep-seated curious feeling melts into a state of panic as she realizes this isn't the first time her phone has gone off in the last few minutes. She feels trapped, needing to check the incoming texts but stuck in this strange void of emotional hell. Ben looks awkwardly uneasy as Gwen and Leia fall into conversation, Han accenting the discussion with witty remarks and comments of annoyance.

When she shifts at the corner of the room wondering if she can slip out unnoticed, her movement draws Gwen's attention and she finds herself pinned beneath icy blue eyes lined with masterfully drawn dark eyeliner. Rey could never get her makeup to look like that, not with all the youtube tutorials in the world. She'd end up looking like a drag queen and not a good one. "Oh hello there," Gwen purrs sweetly, "I'm sorry dear, I didn't see you there, and who are you?"

It's Han who perks up, his grin broad and full of mischief as he says, "That's the kid," his tone is full of a fondness that's heartwarming and despite the irritation at not being acknowledged by her name, Rey likes the way 'kid' sounds when Han says it.

"Surely she has a name." Gwen chastises Han.

"Rey," Ben says a little too quickly, Leia is casting him a careful glance but Gwen is breezing passed the way Rey's name sounds on his lips, "Her name is Rey."

Another vibration, longer this time, an incoming call. She knows this can't be good, she has to leave the room and quickly so that she can answer the phone but doesn't want to seem rude. She's torn between professional pride and personal duty.

Once the conversation veers away from her again she excuses herself but not before making eye contact with Ben one last time. She doesn't have time to contemplate the level of emotion swelling within those curiously dark eyes as she darts out of the room. There's a series of comments, voices curious and raised as she slips out into the alcove but Ben is at her back before she has time to pull her phone out of her pocket. He probably thinks she's upset about the gorgeous blonde but she can't even bring herself to mull over those thoughts as her phone vibrates again, it's only seconds from the last call. Panic is setting in making her chest heave, her breaths falling in labored pants.

He's there and he sees her, his eyes roving over her the way they had four years ago. He's all around her, his form large and imposing as he cocks his head to the side trying to gauge her reaction. He's looking for answers where there are none. He was a lovely fantasy but his presence if nothing more then an oversized complication that she needs to escape.

Then he looks hurt, "You never called me," he says as if she's owed him that. As if he'd been thinking about that fact for the past four years. She hates it and him because it's something she has thought about too. When she allows herself a moment to dwell on the past and all that has brought her to who she is now. He wants answers from her, she can see it in his eyes but she isn't sure what she's suppose to say to him.

"I tried," her voice sounds hollow even to her own ears but it's not him she's upset about. "I didn't know anything about you and you just disappeared." she tries to reinforce the steel in her voice like she's over this, beyond that now. "Life moves on Ben," she tells him sadly. "You knew where I was."

Ben looks hurt, maybe remorseful, "I came back a year later and you weren't there." he tells her now and her heart bleeds warmth into her soul, broken and raw. She can't do this now. Her phone vibrates again and she's pushing away from him.

"I moved," is all she offers him, "I called you twice. The first time no one answered the second time the number as out of service. What were you doing anyway, slumming with the college kids?"

He opens his mouth to explain when one of Maz's interns appears at the end of the hallway. He looks frightened, wide-eyed and he's moving towards them quickly. His large green eyes dart away from her as though he's afraid. Of what she isn't sure but when he stops in front of them he doesn't make eye contact with Ben. He's looking at her as if he doesn't want to say what he's come here to saw. The bottom drops out of her world, she's trying to hold herself upright and without thinking she grabs onto Ben, her fingers groping at the flesh of his forearm.

"Holdo," the intern says and Rey feels her heart shatter, she can't see correctly, the world is spinning on its axis. Her phone isn't vibrating anymore, it's silent against her hip telling her what she already knows.  
"Where?" Rey demands, "Where?" She says again, her voice stricken with unbridled panic. Ben's hand is at her back in a way that is far too intimate, his touch hot even through her sweater and scrub top.

Harper is reaching out for her but he's afraid to touch her, "They're in trauma right now, you… you really need to go." he says. He's not afraid to touch her, he's just afraid she realizes.

Warm hot claws are dragging over her insides shredding her lungs and throat as she tries to steady her breathing. "You'll stay with them?" She asks and Harper nods.

"Doctor Kanata is with them too and Doctor Kalonia."

She's repeating the names in her head, "Holdo, Kanata, and Kalonia?" The intern nods, his eyes urging her to go. "Poe and Finn?" she asks, forgetting that Harper likely had no idea who her two roommates were.

"There are two men yes, and…"

"Fuck," Rey cries and her knees buckle, Ben has her by the elbow but she's pulling away, "Fuck fuck fuck," her voice shakes and she has to will herself to be strong. There's a question on Ben's face and somewhere in the back of her mind, she can see Gwen opening the door wide, Leia at her side looking into the hallway questioningly.

She doesn't know when she started to move, just that her legs are carrying her away faster then she thought possible. She's running down the hallway, dodging nurses with carts and interns who aren't paying attention. When she comes to a stop in front of the elevator she presses the button. Once, Twice, three times. She's stabbing her finger at it repeatedly as she takes a step back to look at the metal box's progress. It's slow and her heartbeat is thumping against her chest with such ferocity that she feels sick. It's either that or the stress or maybe the fear. She presses the button again and again but the number is stuck on three and she needs to get to the main floor.

Frustration mingles with panic and she beats her palms against the metal doors as if it's going to change something. A nurse comes out from one of the rooms and tells her to keep it down or they're calling security. Rey merely curses and throws herself down the hallway, her sneakers squeaking loudly as she rounds a corner and finds the stairwell. She takes the stairs two and three at a time, vaulting down them with her hand steadied on the railing. Her feet slip out from underneath her once and she curses as her knees collide with the floor. It's hard and painful but she can't stop to think about that. Her phone vibrates again and she can't think to answer it now because nothing matters more than getting to the main level. She has to get to trauma.

When she hits the bottom, she throws herself against the doors and bursts through. She's near the nurse's station where Jyn looks up at her questioningly. She says something but Rey can't hear her over the force of blood pumping in her ears, adrenaline coursing through her like a live wire. She takes off, brushing passed Kaydel and Beaumont who are talking heatedly. One says something but it doesn't matter.

Trauma is a sea of faces all swirling around before her. Some lookup hoping that they're to be called next. She looks like every other nurse in the department, black scrubs, hair pulled up in a messy sort of bun. It's a pretty standard look and someone is asking her when it's going be their turn. She looks at them wide-eyed as they approach her. She sees their mouth moving but the buzzing sound in her head is too loud. The triage nurse comes out from behind her sliding glass partition and sees, Rey. It's Jannah, her brilliant face a grim line as she approaches on nimble feet and sweeps her away from the patient who won't stop talking. Jannah has her by the biceps and she's leading her through the doors to the far west. Of course, they wouldn't be in the waiting area, not with Luke as sick as he was. The doctors would have him out back in one of the trauma bays, probably nine, it's the largest and furthest away from prying eyes. Her friend is speaking softly, trying to instruct her, fill her in on what has happened but all she catches are words like, high temperature and seizure and Rey's body can't handle anymore of it.

Shock is beginning to set in, her limbs feel numb and useless like she's floating now. Everything is happening far too quickly but people are moving slow. The hallway is long and never-ending but still her feet glide across the floor. Her phone falls out of her pocket at one point and Jannah hurries back to pick it up, stuffing it in the deep recesses of Rey's front scrub pockets.

Further down she can see Poe and Finn, they're standing in the hallway outside of a room staring in. Poe has his hand covering his mouth while Finn stands hugging himself. His arms wrapped awkwardly around his torso. They're both wearing flannel pajama pants, Poe's are speckled with something wet and pale. Her friends are the only thing in focus now, Poe's brown leather jacket in stark contrast with his blue and white plaid while Finn is sporting an old soccer jersey, thick-necked cardigan and black and grey plaid pants. When they see her, the world around her erupts. She's being pulled and pushed all at once. Finn is demanding to know why she hasn't answered her phone, his voice ringing with a panic that matches her rising need to vomit. Poe is telling him to calm down and let her breathe but all Rey can ask is, "Where is he?"

Jannah is gone, Rey doesn't know when she left but Poe and Finn have her held between them as Poe gives her the rational facts. She only half hears them her eyes wide and searching.

From the room beyond them she hears someone holler, "He's seizing again," and her legs give out, She's on the floor and Finn is calling for help. The ground beneath her is cold compared to the heat rising off of her skin. She feels like she's on fire and the world around her is bleeding with colors and lights. She can hear Doctor Kanata speaking softly to her, trying to get her to focus. She knows she needs to be strong but she doesn't know if she has it in her. She feels guilty and weak and all she wants to do is wrap her arms around him and know that he'll be ok.

Maz is saying her name, her small hands are on Rey's face. They've gotten her into a chair in the hallway. Had that always been there? Finn is at the open doorway and Rey can see movement inside. She hears Doctor Holdo ordering people around. Interns swim in and out of the room like bees around a hive and Rey wants to scream at them to get away from him, let the doctors do their job.

She's angry with herself and so she's angry at everyone. They had better not be using him as a teaching tool. This was not a god damn teaching moment. She wants to say so but the words won't come out of her mouth. She can feel Maz's hands again, she's snapping her fingers in front of Rey's face the sound echoing as though it were coming from an empty hallway.

"Focus girl, focus." she's telling her softly. "They have this, you need to breathe."

Right breathing is important. She can feel her body relax as she steadies the intake of air coming into her body. She must have been holding her breath. Hyperventilating maybe?

"I need to be with him." she cries softly, raising her head to see a short bald man with large glasses and a strange little beard walk into the room. It takes her a moment before she recognizes Doctor Akbar their head of neurology and she's looking to Maz with a renewed sort of panic.

"He's seizing, we thought it was febrile at first, we're trying to get his temperature down but we don't think it's the fever causing it." Maz's voice is like cotton, some of the words sound crisp while others are far away, too distant from her comprehension. "We just want to be sure but we can't do an MRI until he stops and we have him stable."

Poe is at her side, he has her hand in his. It's warm and soft from years of wearing gloves at work. It's comforting and still making her realize how cold and clammy her own feel, "His fever spiked and he started to vomit again," that's the mess on his pants Rey realizes, "We called 911 and when they loaded him in the ambulance he started to seize."

Her heart feels like its being choked, squeezed through a vice until she can't breathe. "I need to see him," she says softly, her voice less a whimper now, and more of a desperate plea.

Maz says something about looking into it while Poe slides his arm around her. He's rubbing her back with a relentless firmness that is both comforting and sure. Looking for Maz she can see Finn starting to pace. He's not good in hospitals, he hates them as a rule and this experience is likely the nail in that coffin.

"There are too many people in there," he complains as another intern comes out. They seem to be emptying the room now, slipping away like wisps of smoke avoiding eye contact with Rey and her friends. The interns are skittish little lambs most days but this is sheer terror, none of them have been prepared on how to handle emotional family interactions yet and they have to work with Rey, the golden girl, the doctor's favorite.

When Maz returns she takes Rey's hands in her own. They're small and dark against Rey's tanned flesh. The contrast is a distraction but Doctor Kanata is saying her name softly, again, begging her to look up, to focus on her. "We're moving him to a room," she says quietly, looking over her shoulder as Amilyn Holdo makes her approach. Her pink scrubs are bright and cheery, they make Rey laugh in an awkward way that makes her chest ache. She doesn't deal with stress of this nature well and her first reaction is to giggle.

"Rey…" Holdo says softly, "I need you to prepare yourself, Akbar has him in a medically induced coma to stop the seizures, We're going to take him to a room and let his stats stabilize and then get him down to imagine ok?" Holdo is a kind woman but her tall form is blocking Rey's view of the door. Maybe it's intentional, maybe it's not but she can see people exiting as the end of a hospital bed starts to emerge from the doorway

She's on her feet quickly pushing the doctors aside with more force than may have been necessary. Doctor Kalonia is at his side her fingers through his hair as they break through the threshold and make their way down the hall. Rey wants to swat her away, she wants to slap the woman and tell her to get her hands off him.

Luke is small and pale, his body dwarfed by the large bed and it's stark white sheets. His hair is plastered against his forehead, sweaty and hot. They've put in an endotracheal tube which looks twisted and grotesque as it protrudes from his smallmouth. "His airways started to close up, we had to intubate him. Did he eat anything? Does he have any allergies?"

"I already told you all," Finn says, he's gesturing with his hands as he talks, "He has no allergies that we're aware of."

Kalonia is a sweet woman with a kind disposition, she was made for pediatrics but the parents she has a harder time dealing with. Rey doesn't know her well because she avoids working in the children's unit, it's too hard for her despite the need for patient and kind nurses. She sees the look though, the one they get all the time when the three of them stand together in the park or go out to dinner. It's appraising and curious as they try to unravel the mystery of genetics. Paternity is so important to everyone except for them, it's never been an issue or a concern. They say it takes a village…

"Which one of you is… the father?" She asks carefully, eyeing Finn and his dark complexion before her eyes fall on Poe who is delightfully sun-kissed. Luke is pale, but his coloring favors Rey's so that part is evident but people always stumble over who the father could be.

"Neither," Finn says with a level of finality that brokers further discussion. "Not biologically anyway, think of us as the fun uncles."

Rey knows how this is going to go, fun Uncles aren't allowed the all-access pass that direct family is. Kalonia is about to shut them down when Rey barks, "They both are, as good as anyway. He doesn't know anyone else." Both men swell a little at the compliment, "Look I get there's a policy here but I'm going with my son. I'm not fucking around with this anymore, sorry Doctor but they come too." Kalonia looks thoroughly admonished, turning to Holdo for some modicum of support.

"Sorry Harter, they're a family, we don't get to say what shape it takes."

Rey smiles at Amilyn as she pushes passed, her feet skipping as she tries to keep up with the moving bed. When they're settled and in a room, people bustle around getting Luke more comfortable. Rey finds herself seated in an old plush armchair at his bedside, cradling his little hand within her own. She forces down the tears that choke off in her throat as she watches her heart beating outside of her body.


	4. Chapter 4

Rey has never felt a rush like this before, not even when Luke agreed to let her take apart his old Chevy pick up. That had been a thrill sure, tinkering with the engine, figuring out its parts and how things fit together. Luke was no good with cars but his friend Biggs was a brilliant mechanic. The two would sit around having a beer while Rey disconnected and pried rusted parts away spending hours cleaning them off with a toothbrush and elbow grease. Biggs would help with the bigger pieces and she was sure he'd tinker a bit when she wasn't around but the old beast was hers and that had been one of the greatest things to happen in her life to date.

One of.

This man's hand in hers and the rush of cool air in her lungs as they run is now taking first. She knows she should be frightened, any sane person would be but the gentle feeling of his palm in hers is a comfort the likes of which she's never experienced before. His legs are longer and therefore he's much faster then she is but he's careful as he laughs and tugs her along after him. It's like being fourteen again and Bobby Carmichael has just pulled her into the back room at the school dance and kissed her for the first time. Only Bobby Carmichael wasn't some tall, dark, beautiful stranger and his hands had been clammy. The thrill is similar though, the anticipation of something new and foreign and delightfully explicit. Kissing at fourteen after all had been quite a big deal for Rey.

This man however, has an air about him that is both dangerous and exciting. He laughs at the idea of being chased down, calling after her as he takes street corner after street corner zigging and zagging away from Hanna House and its angry inhabitants. It takes everything in her to take in the streets and dark scenery before them. Her chest burns, as the cold air claws at her lungs, her thighs crying beneath the exertion. Her body screams for her to stop but her mind is alight with the thrill of possibilities.

She isn't prepared for it when he stops suddenly. Her chest colliding with his back causing him to lurch forward but his feet remain securely planted in place.

"Do you hear that?" he asks with the elation of a child hearing Santa for the first time. He's straining to listen but Rey can hear nothing other than cool air and silence. He looks around, his eyes wide in wonder as he turns to face her, curious excitement lighting his features.

Rey strains to listen, holding her breath but the only sound she can hear is the hammering of her own beating heart. He turns so that he faces her, stepping a hair closer, his toes bumping against hers. He hovers there, peering down at her through dark eyes lined with dark lashes. The streetlights in the distance illuminating the beauty mark on his cheek and smattering of moles and freckles that litter his face in a constellation like mask. He's listening intently to something she can't quite hear. Whatever it is makes him smile in a way that makes her want to trace the curves of his lips with her thumb. It's broad and genuine and utterly infectious.

"This way," he mutters as he tugs her along. His footsteps are slower this time his ear to the wind as he follows the mystery sound. As they move slowly Rey is finally able to take in their surroundings and find her bearings. They are quite a distance from the university but nowhere near her apartment. He's taken them towards the downtown core whether he'd meant to or not. She's pretty sure there's a late-night cafe just two blocks over that often has live music on weekends. Beside it is a record store that somehow manages to keep itself afloat, a dog groomers and a candy store that Rey isn't even a little ashamed to admit she's been to several times. They bring in sweets from other countries and cities that she has always been keen to try.

Their footsteps fall soft against the pavement, a hushed whisper of their approach as her companion pulls her along with sure intent. She can see the light from the busy street as the smell of roasted coffee stirs her senses in a dizzying array of chocolate and spices. He's pulling her towards the sound of a man's voice and the light hum of guitar strings. How he'd heard it from a block away is beyond her but he's pulling her along with purpose. They weave between two buildings crammed close together, emerging onto a brightly lit street beside the busy coffee house. The cafe is alight with fairy lights winding along the banisters of the open patio. Patrons sit at small tables and on plush patio furniture as a man with a guitar sits perched on a stool to the far back of the structure. His voice is low and melodic as his fingers strum along his guitar's strings with practiced ease. He's playing a cover of a song Rey only half knows his voice a whisper of promised love and time spent together.

Her eyes settle on her new friend as he watches with rapt interest. As though he's never seen a man or a guitar before. Maybe he hasn't but she finds that very unlikely. The street is void of vehicles leaving space for them to move around if they want to. Rey waits to see if they are going to continue on but the dark-haired fellow who keeps her hand treasured within his own makes no move to leave. His dark eyes twinkle beneath the strings of lights and when the man with the guitar stops playing her companion drops her hand and begins to clap with the rest.

The cool air feels strange as it embraces her palm and she finds herself rubbing her hand against her leg, worrying at the odd sensation of being left. The man with the guitar, a lanky fellow wearing a plaid shirt, jeans and a slouchy beanie thanks the audience as he takes a drink from a bottle of water. He sits with casual ease, one foot planted on the ground while the heel of the other hitches on the rung of his stool. His guitar is a black acoustic with fine gold leaf work decorating it's front. He adjusts the mic, changing it's angle some as he prattles on about the next song, asking for suggestions from the crowd. A number of women off to the side chime in with romantic ballads while someone else asked for a cover of LMFAO's 'I'm Sexy and I Know It' which earns a chuckle from the musician.

Rey feels awkward standing in the street the way they are. Her eyes flickering from the performer to her new friend and his set posture. He's digging in his pockets in search of something when he draws out his pack of cigarettes, pausing only when the musician starts to strum at his guitar strings again.

His shoulders slump and he smiles in a way that isn't bright and broad but sweet and subtly breathtaking. When he turns to her, it's quick, the movement catching her off guard as he stuffs his cigarettes back into his pocket and grabs her around the middle. Pressed against him like this she can smell the lingering scent of tobacco mingling with the heady aroma of sandalwood and something faintly spicy. Not habanero spice but cinnamon and cloves. He hovers over her as his hands slide to her waist and she finds herself at a loss for what to do. She's never experienced anything quite like him before. He's unpredictable and vibrant in a way that takes her breath away.

He captures her stare as the words of the song drifted over her, 'I met you in the dark, you lit me up,' how oddly appropriate, 'you made me feel as though I was enough'. It's like the musician is singing directly into her soul. Her companion seizes one of her hands as he allows his other to linger on her waistline. His eyes speak without words as he pushes forward and she falls back a step. It's awkward and jarring at first but she soon picks up on his intent. Her free hand raises to graze his bicep and he's spinning her around. His feet are quick but his steps are easy as she leans into him and allows him to wind her around.

The world around them melts away, the lights and sounds a distant memory as she keeps her focus on him and only him. The voice of the performer is soft and low and sweet but she barely registers the words as she finds herself swept away by this dark-haired man and his intoxicating presence. He pushes her back a step and then draws her forward. There's space between them and then he's so tight against her she can feel the contours of his chest and stomach beneath his shirt. He smiles as they move, his eyes never wavering from her own, as though his world is nothing but her.

As her attention falls to his mouth broad, lush and utterly kissable she finds herself subconsciously drawing her tongue across her lower lip. He chuckles softly, a breathy sound that she wants to swallow whole, tasting the pleasure of it. Another step back and there is space between them again, his hand drawing away but then he's twirling her. It's freeing and wonderful as he pulls her back against his body and her cheek nuzzles into his shoulder. She clings to him as his large hand slips over the hallow of her low back and they are swaying back and forth in a smooth easy movement. His nose presses against her ear and she feels him breathe her in. It's one of the sexiest things she's ever experienced before.

Her fingers grope at the thick leather of his jacket and his hips lead her in a smooth gyrating back and forth. Normally when she dances she feels awkward and bumbling but his lead was easy to follow and his movements are practiced and slow. When he pulls back a little he stoops so that their foreheads brush and she can see the mischievous delight in his eyes. He spins them again, holding tighter as they loop once and then twice, using their hips pressed together as a focal point through the movements. It's a little faster, dizzying and wondrous bringing a giggle up from her chest as she clings to him tighter.

He's like magic, and the draw she feels to him is inexplicable. She's lost herself in thoughts as to whether or not he might feel it too or maybe it's just a rapid influx of oxytocin caused by the close proximity of their bodies. Her cheeks flush and she finds herself wistfully hoping that he will close to distance between them and seal his mouth to hers with a kiss. She's sure he'll taste like tobacco and promises of forever. When he presses his forehead against hers again she lets out a soft whimpering sigh which does not go unnoticed by her counterpart. He's dipping and twirling her, the heat of his palm against her back a constant.

The song has ended the man with the guitar is now strumming the strings in an absent-minded fashion. It's as though he's playing for them and them alone, not wanting to stop for fear that the dancing will end. He hums a little here and there as he deliberates on what song to sing next but he could sing Happy Birthday for all that Rey cares. All that matters is the way this beautiful strangers thighs bumped against hers as he sways them back and forth.

His nose is in her hair again, his lips brushing the outer shell of her ear. The sensation is electric as he hums gently against her, "You smell amazing," he tells her and she feels her cheeks flush heavily. She presses her face into the cool leather of his jacket, clinging to him as he chuckles, "I bet you taste amazing too."

Heat blooms within her chest as his words caress an inner part of her long since ignored. His words are meant to tease and a deep part of her she knows that, but she loves them all the same. Her fingers grope at his shoulder a little tighter as he squeezes her hand within his own. Their bodies speak in hushed promises as the performer's voice starts again, a song she recognizes this time. His words are softer and smoother, the hypnotic strum of the guitar strings matched by the easy sway of her companion's hips 'Your heart is glowing' the artist purrs, 'and I'm crashing into you, baby kiss me,'

God yes please kiss me, her mind screams. She's never felt so desperate for anything in her life. The need to feel him closer is like her need for air. She can feel the pillowy softness of his lower lip as it lingers along the shell of her ear. His breath hot against the exposed flesh. Rey feels silly and dizzy and wild and then his movements stop. He holds her close but their legs are no longer working in rhythm against one another. "Which way to your place?" he breaths against her and she feels the thrill of the question vibrate through her entire being.

The implications are thick as the singer continues his crooning and Rey draws back to look at her dance partner. His cheeks are flushed, his smile devilishly handsome but there's something else too. A creeping clammer that's erupting into their bubble of self-imposed intimacy.

A voice cries out in the distance, "Is that him there?" And Rey knows the question is not one asked out of a need to deepen their connection but a need to hide from their pursuers. They had stopped and enjoyed a private moment that admittedly made her a little weak in the knees and the drunkards from the party have now found them.

"I knew it was a good idea to split up." Another voice calls and before Rey can register it, she's being pulled away again. The air around them is cold now that she no longer has the heat from his body to warm her and she gasps as he ducks through an alleyway and down a side street. She follows him, her hand back clasped within his as she pants directions to her apartment.

She couldn't get a good look at how many there were but by the sound of the footfalls clambering behind them she can assume maybe two. Their voices a rush of curses and promises of pain as they make their way down passed an old churchyard. He seems to decide on a split second to veer into the graveyard at its back. The building itself is tall and white, glowing against the moonlight like a beacon in the dark. He pulls her back against the building pressing her into the white stone surface. Their breaths come in heavy pants as he presses against her, the long lean form of his body contouring to her small frame. His lips are there, right there, hovering above hers as he leans in with a wicked grin. He shifts and his knee presses between her legs, nudging them apart so that he can get just a little closer. All she can breath is him. His hands are in her hair, holding her cheeks, warm and sure as he searches her eyes for an answer to a question he hasn't asked.

Her heartbeat hammers within her ears as he holds her still pinning her to him in a way that's almost predatory but not entirely unpleasant. They seem to be playing some curious game of cat and mouse with one another and Rey is only now starting to understand the rules. He doesn't kiss her but draws close enough that he can lick the lower pout of her lip. It's slow and deliberate, the faintest touch of tongue to flesh as he smiles. Their mouths are open when they finally met and he's kissing her the way she'd always dreamed of being kissed. His mouth moving in a fierce yet slow dance against hers as he inhales sharply and she presses her thigh to the apex of his groin. He smiles softly against her mouth as he presses forward in gentle urging stokes groaning into the warmth of her. She swallows the sound of it wrapping her arms around his neck eagerly. She hops and he's lifting her up, using the church wall as support to hold her against his waist. Her legs wrap around him fervently as his hands grope at her backside. Large palms supporting the globes of her ass as he pushes against her, grinding into the space between her legs.

His groan becomes a growl as he pulls away just a moment catching his breath, "God I want to fuck you," he says and her heart erupts in an elated sense of panic. His mouth is pressed against her cheek next and she's making noises she didn't know she could make. It's a low soft keening sound as he runs his tongue along her neck following the column of muscle that jumps out as she arches into his touch.

When she doesn't say anything he clears his throat, shaking the lusty rumble from his vocal cords to apologize for his forward declaration. He's want and need rolled into a respectable sweetness that makes her want to explore every inch he'll allow. "Sorry," he chuckles softly, and his mouth good god, his mouth is everything she's ever dreamed of, "I don't think I've ever been that forward before," he laughs softly, his nose nuzzling against that delicious little spot right below her ear lobe. "I just," he's breathing hard almost panting and Rey knows because she feels it too. "Fuck, you're just..." there's that growl again and it's impossible how deep the need to know the truths he's trying to express is.

It isn't that easy, it can't be that easy because the voices return and they're closer. Without realizing what she's doing she kisses him again, holding her lips firmly to his. The act rough and sloppy but he responds with eager intent. Their eyes meet when she pulls away and he smiles softly as she whispers, "I'm Rey."

His laugh is so loud and intense she feels it through her entire body, "I'm Ben." He chuckles to himself adding, "I don't normally do this,"

"Make out with girls you just met against a church?" she asks.

Ben has to think a moment, "Yeah, that and well a lot of this really."

She doesn't have time to dwell on his words because suddenly they're no longer alone. The surly forms of two men are slipping from the shadows, their steps crunching against the gravel walkway as they make their approach. They aren't big, or necessarily intimidating but they're loud and they're angry.

Ben sets her down, pressing his back against her to shield her from their view. "Where's you're little pussy cat?" one of the men asks. Rey isn't sure if it's the shadows, the alcohol or Ben's large form but they don't seem to realize she's there. Not yet anyway.

"You guys are making a huge mistake," Ben's voice comes across as a low rumble. Maybe he's annoyed that he has been pursued this far or maybe he's agitated because they've been so rudely interrupted but Rey is suddenly very nervous. She doesn't want him to move away from her, to break the contact and approach these ghouls but he's there one minute and gone the next. The taller of the two men comes at Ben hard but Ben lunges and catches him across the throat with his forearm. The tall man lets out a choked cry as he's jerked back against the impact finding himself on his back staring up at the sky. Ben only has the upper hand for a split second because the other attacker is at his back. He has his arms wound through Ben's pinning them behind his back.

Together they struggle against the awkwardness of the position a little before Ben lurches forward tossing his attacker over his shoulder and into his friend. Both men grumble as the taller, a dark-haired fellow with a broad nose that looks like he's had it broken before brings his fists up readying for another attack. He ducks as Ben throws a punch, only to land his own against Ben's jaw. The shock of the hit tosses Ben's head to the side just slightly. He comes at him fast and hard with a second onslaught of fists, jabbing and swinging at Ben as Ben dances away with the agile footing of someone half his size. The other man is getting to his feet but he hangs back hollering insults and egging his larger friend on

Rey's afraid to move. She doesn't want to draw attention to herself but when Ben is struck with a particularly aggressive blow to the ribs she can't help the squeak that slips out. "Oh hello pussy cat," the smaller man growls as he turns his attention on Rey.

His approach is slow, edging from side to side as she turns and darts trying to find an escape route passed him. When Ben manages to look in her direction she's sure she sees something snap. His dark eyes are furious as he swings around his larger opponent to throw himself bodily at the man who stalks towards her. She watches as Ben's shoulder strikes the man from behind and they struggle, tumbling to the ground. Ben is on top of him in a flash, doling fist after fist into her assailant's face. He has his knees pinned on either side of the struggling man's chest, one knee effectively holding an arm to the ground.

Strike after strike land against the man's face until his friend tackles Ben and is pulling him off. They're wrestling on the ground, limbs groping for limbs, fists lashing out as they battle for dominance. At one point the tall man with the damaged nose has Ben around the throat by his forearm, using his body weight to control Ben's movement. Ben's eyes are wide as he claws at the offending forearm. His opponent is talking a big game, narrowing his focus on Rey as he grumbles into Ben's ear. It's without warning that Ben rears his head forward and then slams it into his attacker's nose.

The arms around his throat lessen and he scrambles forwards drawing up to his full height with a slight hop. The smaller man is hovering on his feet, unstable but upright as he moves forward and Ben strikes him again, this time in the side of the head. The jarring motion sends the man to the ground and Rey is sure he won't be getting up again for a while. That leaves the bulkier of the two. He's like a bull, singularly focused on one target, determined to take it down at all costs. Ben ducks and weaves, keeping his fists tight to his chest but when the hulking form of his attacker pushes forward Ben lets loose. He strikes the man sidelong in the mouth with one fist, while the other swings up to clip him beneath the chin. Ben hits and hits until the man he's fighting against is bloody and refuses to get up.

Frozen in fear Rey finds her voice and she cries out, throwing herself into Ben in order to pull him back and away. He's frenzied as he strikes, again and again until the man's face makes the disturbing squelching crack and Rey knows his nose is broken.

Ben's hands are bloody and his hair disheveled as he turns on her, losing one of his mitts within her hair. He's searching her over, looking for any sign of damage but all he finds is fear there. She recoils from him slightly and he frowns. "Fuck," he mutters and he's pulling away from her as quickly as he found her.

"We should get going in case there are more," she tells him softly. She knows she ought to be but she can't find it within her to be afraid of him. He's timid when she grabs his shoulder pulling him to face her once more, "My place isn't far, I'll get you cleaned up, dress that hand." she tells him and he nods.

He doesn't touch her this time as they walk side by side. He keeps his distance which Rey finds almost painful. The need to reach out and take his hand is strong but she's afraid she might hurt him and so allows her hands to fidget restlessly at her side.

The apartment she shares with Finn and Rose will be empty. Finn and Poe always stay at Poe's place, they've been after Rey to move in there for ages but Rey doesn't want to leave Rose. Rose will likely go home with Jannah, who lives much closer to Hanna House. It's an easier walk when alcohol is involved. That will leave their apartment blissfully empty. She doesn't want to have to explain any of this to her friends, she isn't even sure that she could.

As their footsteps carry them silently through the graveyard she finds herself drawn to Ben's strong dark profile. He looks serious and contemplative as they walk. After a while his hand moves into his pocket and he withdraws his pack of smokes. As he takes one of the small sticks in his mouth his feet stop and he ducks against cupped hands lighting the cigarette with a sharp inhale. His hand looks swollen she notes ruefully as they continue their sullen path. The smell of tobacco is strong and burns her lungs but she leaves him to his vice.

It takes longer then she anticipated but they soon find themselves on the steps of the duplex she rents with her friends. Ben is on his second cigarette, a nervous tick perhaps but when Rey starts up the steps nodding towards the doors he tosses it to the ground and steps on it's glowing end. He takes the stairs carefully, she notes, favoring the side where he's been struck. Still he's careful not to touch her, keeping his distance as she pulls out a key she's had hidden on her person. The door is difficult to unlock, old and obnoxious so she has to jiggle the nob a little, pulling on the door to ease some of the tension on the deadbolt.

Once inside Rey feels a calming ease wash over her, she toes off her sneakers inviting Ben to do the same. She points him towards the couch just a few feet from the entrance, an old beat-up dark brown thing that's suspiciously comfortable while she disappears into the bathroom. Once inside she has to take a moment steadying herself against a shaky breath before she starts to rummage for the first aid kit.

When she returns to the open living space, a living room which bleeds into a kitchen separated only by a dining room table she finds Ben curiously peering over postered walls and pictures of smiling faces. There's an amusement to his features as he allows his eyes to rover over the images before him as if reading the story of their lives.

"You look happy," he says absently as she approaches him from behind. He's looking at one picture, in particular, one Luke had taken their final summer before they all left for university. Finn has his arms wound tightly around Rose and Rey's necks as he pulls them forward. They're at the beach, one of the few times Luke had agreed to any sort of wild outing. It was probably one of the best days of her life. The sun had been hot but the water had been so cold the thought of it makes her shiver even now. Luke always took joy from the simplicity in life so they never really went to amusement parks or movie theatres. It was expensive to drag that many kids around in general but he loved to be able to give them these moments, as fleeting as they may have been.

Beside that picture is one of Rey standing next to an old beat-up Chev. Its paint is a brilliant teal but it's smattered in rust. She's covered in grease and smiling broadly as she points a wrench at the camera, mouth half-open as if she's saying something. "You like cars?" Ben asks over his shoulder. In this light his features look worn and tired, his hands are still bloody and his jaw is starting to look a little bruised. His movements are hitched slightly, a mournful smile on his lips.

"Old past time," she comments upon her approach, the first aid kit clutched tightly to her chest. "My foster father let me pick away at his old truck when I was younger, I don't know if it ever ran properly again but it was fun." she's being modest, the damn thing ran just fine. She's not sure why she feels it necessary to hide that fact.

"You were a foster kid?" he asks softly, his voice kind as he finally finds a seat on the couch. His long legs look awkward as his rear end sinks into the cushions a little more then he's prepared for.

Rey makes a noise of acknowledgment as she finds herself sitting on their heavy thick oak coffee table across from him. She sets the kit to her side and pulls her sweater over her head. The room is warm and the drastic change in temperature was making her sweat. Underneath she's wearing a simple thin-strapped tank top that is long but tight fitting. She tries not to notice as his eyes rake her in, "Yeah, we all were." she tells him assuredly, "Finn, Rose, and I. There were others too, some aged out. We lost a few but Luke still has two with him now. He's my foster father. Take off your jacket."

He does as he's instructed while he listens, his movements hesitant and careful. She takes her time as she cleans his fists. The skin is cracked and some of the blood is in fact his own. His eyes watch her work with skillful fingers. When she's through with his hands and has checked out his swollen lip she sits back on the coffee table to appraise her work. "Good, now lift your shirt," she tells him with a confidence that sounds foreign.

He eyes her suspiciously, a wild sort of grin lingering on his lips, "Is that how you want it?"

She knows he's teasing her, that his words shouldn't do anything to her but they do. Goddamit they do. The heat of it erupts across her flesh in a light blush that starts across her cheeks but spreads down along her neck and across her collarbones. He can see it too she realizes with some mortification. She should have never taken her sweater off.

Still he doesn't reach out to touch her. His words are flirtatious but his actions are clipped. He removes his shirt with some difficulty a hand instinctually moving to his side as his breath hitches. Without thinking about it, Rey drops to her knees pushing herself between Ben's legs as he leans back against the couch for support. His cocky grin is gone as he watches her carefully, his eyes following her fingers as she draws them along the expanse of his milky pale skin. It's soft, so unbelievably soft beneath her fingers as she allows them to feather against his flesh. She pokes and palpates along the area where she saw him take the hit. Her brow drawn in concentration as she examines the skin that is starting to purple already. It feels hot beneath her touch, hard but not in the way some muscles do when they're tensed. It's boggy and swollen beneath the skin.

Ben sucks in a sharp breath as she moves her fingers around examining the outline of the injured area. "I'm going to get you some ice," she informs him quickly, prepared to stand when his large hand covers her own. His fingers are broad and warm. His skin a radiant white when put in contrast to her own glowing perpetually tanned flesh. His touch is gentle and yet insistent as he peers down at her with a look in his eyes similar to that in the churchyard. The look he'd given her before he'd kissed her. His lips, those full and utterly kissable pillows of flesh are quirked into a knowing smile and dammit, Rey knows she's in trouble now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs mentioned in this chapter are James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go and Beyonce - XO with special mention of Sexy and I Know it Acoustic cover. If you haven't heard this... you need to. Noah Guthrie... ugh it's a game changer!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick heads up, there's a lot of talk about kids being quite sick in this chapter, just in case that's an issue for anyone

The next few hours go by with a painful slowness that is utterly suffocating. She's refused the offer of a sedative, she needs to be awake, she needs to watch him, to see that he's still breathing. Any time spent with her eyes away from his small precious form is too much. She needs to know he's alive and still with her despite the fact that there is a machine breathing for him and was being kept asleep by drugs. Poe and Finn didn't go home either, they lingered in hallways and took turns holding Luke's hand when Rey had to go to the bathroom. They brought her coffee and blankets and spoke to the doctors when Rey simply didn't have the energy to draw in another stitch of information.

His little hand is warm, alive, he's alive and he's here and they are going to fix him. They just need to figure out what needs to be fixed. Doctor Akbar is a kind man but his social skills are desperately lacking. When he enters the room to check on Ben's progress he's loud and jostling, making Rey cringe every time he bumps into something or knocks something over. How such a bumbling mess could have become the Head of Neuro was beyond her but she knows his reputation and it's the only thing stopping her from flying off the handle.

Maz comes by every now and again as well, more than she likely ought to actually. She has surgeries to plan and a department to oversee. But still, she's there and she strokes Rey's forehead the way a mother might. The way she had Luke's just two nights prior when she read him a bedtime story. Like she should have tonight instead of working the damn overtime shift. Maz informs her that Han has been asking after her and comments lightly on the impression Rey has left on the older man. Leia too has shown great concern for Rey's well being and both hope she'll be back with them soon. Harper apparently has been a nightmare but Maz expected no less. Then there's Ben, he and his girlfriend left some time ago so thankfully everything has quiet on that front. There's a question there that Maz wants to ask but thankfully she leaves it alone.

Rey can't bring herself to dwell on those thoughts or the implications there. It's a path she knew she would have to walk down at some point but now was not that time. Now, when her baby boy lay unconscious less than a foot away was not the moment to think about past trysts.

Eventually Luke's stats make it to where the doctors are comfortable and miraculously he starts to breathe on his own again. The reason for his airways closing up will likely remain a mystery but there are much larger issues at hand. Akbar wants to get Luke to imagining as quickly as possible while the boy is still under, ideally they would monitor him until he seized again and map his brain to find the cause but with a child of Luke's age Akbar wants to cover all his bases. Ruling things out at this point is just as important as checking off boxes.

It takes both Finn and Poe to restrain Rey when they wheel Luke off. She's a parent now, not a hospital employee and parents aren't allowed in diagnostic imaging. So instead she sits and she cries. She cries and she cries until her lungs ache and she struggles and gasps for air. She cries until her eyes burn and she can't see and then she cries some more. Poe holds her against his body as she sobs into his shoulder while Finn rubs at her back in soft soothing circles. When that sensation subsides Rey pleads with them to let her take a walk. She needs to move, to do something that isn't just sitting there waiting. Waiting is always the worst in these situations, she sees it first hand and depending on what sort of scans Akbar wants and what he finds it would likely be a while before Luke is returned to his room. In the meantime she can get something to eat maybe or grab the charts which she has been woefully neglecting.

While Poe thinks it's a good idea, Finn argues the fact wanting to stay right where Luke will be returned. Despite standing his ground, Poe and Rey win out. Poe agrees to take Rey down to the nurse's station to get a few things while Finn waits in Luke's room. Finn has always hated hospitals so he's happy to stay and be there when the doctors return their boy eliminating the need to wander through the halls.

On shaky legs Rey walks the corridors with Poe at her side, his arm around her in a warm embrace of support. Her steps are shuffled and slow but it feels good to move. She has snacks in her locker and the files she wants are at the nurse's station so that's the direction they head in. The two areas are close enough that the trip will be quick but it will still give her enough time to distract her from her spiraling thoughts. Working in Emergency means she sees far too much of the bad. It's hard to school her raging imagination when it tries to tug her down into the dark side where rationalization becomes difficult and only the worst can happen. Luke has never had seizures before but it's possible this was simply him showing signs of being epileptic. It isn't ideal but there are far worse things when children are concerned. Maybe there is an imbalance in his sodium levels, or worse maybe he's had a stroke. She shakes her head pushing away those thoughts as they dance to the surface. She can't allow herself to go there, she needs to be positive. He needs her to be positive.

When she finds herself at the nurse's station it's close to shift change. Jannah is filling out paperwork sitting at a far computer when Rey approaches but Poe shakes his head halting their friend from her approach. Part of her is grateful for this protective side of Poe, she doesn't have it in her to answer questions and she absolutely doesn't have the strength to pretend she's ok.

Slipping away from Poe she ducks into the nurse's locker room and grabs her purse along with a handful of snacks she keeps hidden there. There's a notebook too, and a change of clothes which she decides to take as well, shoving it all into her oversized bag. It's a simple black sack she thinks ruefully, her mind drifting back on the large teal leather purse Gwen had when she brushed into Han's room. It's a strange thought, one she doesn't have time to ruminate on. Instead she shoulders the door and finds herself back out in the open. All eyes fall on her as she clings to the strap of her back, looking for Poe and the silent protection he provides.

"I'm sorry, I know you aren't supposed to say but I just want to know that she's ok." a voice pleads, drawing her attention away from her search. There's a small woman standing at the desk opposite Jyn who is looking thoroughly annoyed by this point. Rey can't see the woman's face but her hair was pulled back in a loose bun at the nape of her neck.

Jyn's response is robotic, one they have all rehearsed time and time again, "I'm sorry we aren't able to provide you with that information." Rey watches as Jyn rolls her eyes, leaning heavily against the desk in front of her.

Poe is at Rey's side quickly his arms laden with vending machine snack food. He snakes an arm around her shoulder as he presses his lips against her temple, "You got what you need?" He asks ready to steer her away and back to Luke's room where they will fall back into their waiting game.

At this point the idea of words has become a concept too difficult for Rey to manage so she simply nods her answer and prepares to slip away. That's the woman at the desk turns, her face drawn in lines of frustration. She has her dark-tinted glasses drawn up on top of her head, her lips pursed together as she huffs in irritation. Leia. She's flustered, visibly so but when her eyes fall on Rey her features soften considerably.

Rey quickly dabs at the corners of her eyes which now she realizes are still wet as Leia approaches. Jyn makes a move to say something even going so far as to rise to her feet but Rey raises a hand to tell Jyn that she's ok.

"Rey," Leia says as though she's shocked to see her, "Are you ok?"

She knows Doctor Kanata has given Leia and Han a generic answer but still the older woman has felt it necessary to seek out more information on her own. Rey doesn't know if she finds this heart-warming or incredibly frustrating but Leia's here and she's concerned. The irony of the situation would be funny if she could find any joy left in her body. "Yeah…" Rey responds quickly but Poe casts her a sharp and questioning stare which encourages the truth, "Well, no. I'm not. I mean I am but no." she's rambling and Leia looks sympathetic.

"Your family member who's sick?" She asks knowingly.

Poe says nothing but his hand is at her back, he's there to support her in any way he can but he doesn't know this woman or the situation so he stays quiet. He's always been this big brother sort of figure for her which she clings to now like a lifeline. "Yeah… yes," she says softly nodding her head as Leia takes a step towards her.

"I'm so sorry dear," she says and Leia's arms are around Rey faster then Rey has time to process. The feeling is warm and comforting the way a hug should be but it cracks something within Rey that she has been mentally trying to mend since she stopped crying. The tears come back hard and fast as Rey gasps for air. Leia is shushing her in a soft motherly tone, rubbing Rey's back as Rey leans into the embrace. Everything about this is so odd, so fractured. There's a bubbling need welling up within that Rey can't quite make herself understand but before she can say something she'll regret Poe's phone is ringing.

She stills as she listens to his smooth voice whispering into the mouthpiece. Jyn is to her feet voice raised instructing him that's not allowed back here but Rey snaps for her to shut up. She's pulling away from Leia who looks confused and concerned. It's nice to know she cares but that makes this odd feeling a little worse.

Without warning Poe's hand is at her elbow and he's pulling her away. "I'm sorry," he tells Leia genially before turning to Rey, "He's back in the room and they need us there now."

Her mind reels trying to comprehend the gravity of Poe's words. It could mean anything, "Is he awake?" she finds herself asking but when he shakes his head she feels her world shifting again. "Did they…" she chokes, "Did they find something?"

Poe's lack of response is response enough. They didn't say which means there is something to discuss. That means either they didn't find anything and they want to explore further or they found something and it's not good. She's not sure which is better but the reality of it steals the breath from her lungs.

"They want to wake him up they just want to talk to you first," he tells her but that's almost worse. She feels her legs quiver and Poe is at her side holding her up, "I'm sorry Peanut," he doesn't call her that often, it's a nickname she's been given by Finn. Poe usually thinks such things are foolish but the way he says it just now is like a bandaid on a lacerated artery. It won't fix a damn thing but the thought is sweet all the same.

Jyn and Jannah are at Rey's side quickly, the senior nurse has her hand on Rey's arm in a manner which is comforting but foreign, "You're off the schedule for the next few days, I have you covered," she assures Rey while Jannah says nothing but swoops in for a hug. It's arm and kind and filled with affection that Rey can't return at this moment but Jannah understands as she whispers, "Text me if you need anything," She's looking at Poe as she pulls away.

She knows they need to go but it's like her body doesn't know how to move on its own. Poe is tugging at her gently as Leia says, "If you need anything, please let us know."

It's a strange thought, just hours before she was their nurse and now she and her husband are concerned about her as though they've known her forever. It's odd to think that strangers can have such an impact on one another but there's something else too. There's the deep gut-wrenching ache that settles heavily into her core. There's Ben and his smile, that smile that causes her chest to warm and the attraction that's not simply chemical but utterly visceral the way it had been all those years ago.

When she returns to Luke's room it's full of people again. Luke's small body is laying in his bed, his dark hair in stark contrast to the white pillow his head sits atop. He almost looks like her little boy again, just sleeping. She wants to kiss his sweet little face but people are talking to her now. She knows she's supposed to be listening but their words sound like hallow noise in an empty room and she's too far away to make it out.

Holdo is present, she's standing in front of Rey bent so that they're making eye contact now. Her face is stern and serious as she says Rey's name over and over again drawing her from the image of her sleeping child, "Rey, we need you to listen. Rey! come on Rey."

She can feel Finn, his hand on her shoulder while Poe stands sentinel at her other side. They're an odd little family unit but they're her world. Their presence makes her feel stronger and she's able to focus on what the doctors are saying. Holdo was off an hour ago Rey realizes but she's stuck around for this. She's been helping Akbar as he runs scans, making sure that Luke isn't alone.

The Neurosurgeon is talking away unaware of Rey's inability to focus. He says something about needing to wake Luke up and Rey shakes her head knocking the cobwebs loose. "I'm sorry," she says softly, "Can you repeat that?" Everyone looks so serious it's hard not to panic but she reaches for Finn's hand and he squeezes hers tightly.

Akbar looks mildly affronted but starts again, he's explaining that they've found a build-up of pressure around Luke's brain stem caused by severe swelling. It seemed oddly idiopathic until Holdo started to list off his other symptoms. What appeared as the common flu triggered a spiraling search for something greater. There is an elevated level of white blood cells in Luke's body which is indicative of a body fighting off an infection but they did a full-body scan to be safe and found Luke's liver is enlarged.

She's lining up the points trying desperately to connect the dots when Akbar then asks if she's willing to allow them to take a sample of bone marrow. The request has Rey thrown off as she looks from Akbar to Holdo and then back to Akbar. Bone marrow? Why did they need bone marrow? He's also talking about a Doctor Cassian Andor from Scarif who is supposed to be visiting within the next few days. Andor is an oncologist who specializes in pediatric cases.

Why is this important?

"Wait… wait." Rey says rather sharply, halting Akbar in his tracks, "Do you - you think this could be cancer?"

Akbar looks uncomfortable, he hates to be wrong and Rey knows its too soon to tell anything. There are more tests to be run, they have to monitor Luke's white blood cell count, "The good news is it's not meningitis!" Akbar chirps rather awkwardly. Rey wants to punch him, even Holdo looks annoyed.

"We've taken samples of the fluid building up around Luke's brainstem in all likelihood Rey we need to be prepared. A bone marrow biopsy is our best bet to determine…" Holdo looks sweetly sympathetic.

"Say it," Rey seethes, "It's not real unless you say it Amilyn, I need to hear you say it."

Poe and Finn look confused but Rey knows the words that are going to come next, "We think there's a strong likelihood this is leukemia and if it's in his cerebral spinal fluid we need to act quickly."

The words hit her like a punch to the gut. She refuses to cry but there is a strong chance she might start to scream. Rey knows she needs to be strong, she knows she needs to be rational but it's hard when you're faced with the one thing a parent fears the most in the world. The thought of losing a child. Her mind spins and she readies herself to fight, she's going to punch Akbar right in his goofy looking face.

The emotions build like the pressure in a blocked steam vent. Her cheeks are flushed, her chest is hot and ready to explode and then there's nothing. She's cool and calm and eerily still. She's not looking at them but passed them, her eyes settling on the sleeping form of her son. He's still and pale but he's always been pale. He never inherited her rich sun-kissed coloring. In fact, there's a lot about his appearance that doesn't match with her own DNA. The long smooth face, the full lips, the goofy ears. The shape of his eyes are hers, and the color of his hair but even that may change over time. His eyes are dark like hers but in some lights they look almost like vibrantly hazel. His dimples, those are definitely from her, but it's possible they came from his father she can't quite remember. He's the sweetest kid she's ever seen, his shaggy hair dusting his forehead as it falls in choppy lengths around his obvious ears.

Her job, the only job in her life that matters in any capacity is to keep him safe. If she falls apart if she cries until she's hoarse it's not going to do him any good. Her job is to protect him and she will do that at any cost.

"Do it," she says surely, "Pull the marrow, run the tests. Do it now." she's barking orders like she's in charge but no one's about to step in and tell her any differently. "I want a meeting with Doctor Andor too, can you make that happen?" she asks Doctor Holdo, her voice is firm and determined. She knows she's a nurse, she knows she's low on the pecking order but she works hard and that has to count for something right?

Holdo's smile is sad but knowing as she nods once and tells Rey she'll get on that before she leaves the hospital for the night and with that she leaves the room. Akbar however hasn't moved. He's eyeing Poe and Finn with careful deliberation. For once in all the time Rey has known him, Akbar seems to be trying to choose his words wisely, "It would help if we had a family history,"

Oh, this again. The game of who's the daddy. Luke is painfully pale, Rey has the flesh tone of someone who's lived in the sunlight, Finn's coloring is a deliciously dark umber like smooth rich chocolate and Poe favors a warm soft tawny coloring that's just a little different from Rey's own. None of them glow as Luke does

"Doctor Akbar that's going to be difficult," Rey says evenly, this is a road they've walked many times, people's curiosity is a funny thing. It's why Rey stays away from social media, "I grew up in foster care, I have no idea what's in my history."

Akbar nods his head knowingly, "We can run a DNA test and look for markers, what about the father?" He has the foresight to keep his eyes on Rey now, not bothering to look at either of her companions. Smart man.

The question causes Rey to start, it's not the first time she's been asked this but it spikes something in her she needs to process and quickly, "We have no contact," she says slowly, too slowly drawing Finn's attention.

If Akbar has an opinion on the matter he doesn't share it nor does he seem to withhold any judgment. He simply nods in understanding and then shoves his hands into the pockets of his lab coat. "I'll get ready to draw the marrow, I don't like to do it when the patient is out but I assume I have your consent?"

Rey nods in affirmation "Then can we wake him up?" She needs to hear his voice, she needs to tell him that she loves him. She needs him to know that she won't let anything happen to him, that she'll fight with everything she has.

"I'd like to," Akbar says "The seizures were likely caused by the pressure on his brain stem, now that that pressure has been lessened he should be ok."

She knows he can't talk in definite's but in her heart she is desperate for him to tell her that everything will be ok. It's childish and it's unrealistic but at that moment she would have given anything to hear it said out loud.

When Akbar leaves it's just their little family left. She can hear the interns skirting around the door, people lingering in the hallway wanting to stop in and ask if Luke's ok. They all know him here, Poe and Finn take him in to say hello to the nurses frequently. He's a favorite amongst the staff with his love of hugs and telling tall tales made from utter nonsense. He's a bright light, he's her bright light. The one thing in life she never knew she needed until it was placed in her hands. Now his presence is as essential as the air in her lungs and she doesn't think she will survive if he does not.

Finn has called in sick and Poe is off anyway so they promise to stay at the hospital with Luke if she wants to go home and shower. She's decidedly against the idea saying that she'll use the doctor's shower in the doctor's lounge, but what she really needs is sleep. Night shifts are hard but she's usually able to crash after getting Luke off to daycare for the morning. It's now going on three hours post-shift, a time when she would normally be curled up in her bed snoozing away, instead she's waiting for Doctor Akbar to return with a very large needle.

The procedure goes quickly, as clumsy as Akbar appears to be with his day to day his hands are the steadiest she has ever seen. He has a skill that could rival Doctor Kanata but she would never tell Maz that. Akbar is quick, but Rey has to press her face into Finn's side as he extracts the marrow. She needs to be strong for Luke but the kid isn't awake and she doesn't want to watch this. When Akbar is finished he pulls off his gloves and takes a moment to watch Rey closely. Finn is rubbing gentle circles along her spine again. Poe however has left to get a coffee. He doesn't like needles so this part is a little too much for him.

"Ms. Niima," the doctor says with a softness that makes Rey shudder, "You're a wonderful nurse," he tells her awkwardly, "I have no doubt you're a marvelous mother and I want you to know, you are not alone in this fight." he gives her a quick sad smile, "Luke should come out of the coma in a matter of hours, the drugs will be wearing off now.

When he's gone Rey lets out a ragged sigh. Finn hugs her again, he's not sure what else to do in this situation and he hates hospitals desperately. They stand, holding one another, clinging to each other for support when Poe ambles back in. He has a trey of coffees, in one hand and a brown bag of treats in the other but sets them down quickly when he sees the embrace. His arms are around them in a matter of seconds and they stand like this curled around one another for what feels like forever.

"We should call Luke…" Finn says finally and Rey's heart aches at the thought. She can't face telling her foster father and child's namesake right now.

"I want to wait until I know for sure what we're dealing with, I don't want him to panic," Rey says softly.

Poe is handing out the drinks, a tea of camomile and honey for Rey when he adds, "He'd be on the next flight out here, I think Rey's right."

Finn can't help but agree with that but as takes a sip of his coffee he fixes Rey with a gaze that is both suspicious and knowing. She can feel those dark eyes of his as he tries to read her face, her emotions, her silences.

"I saw that lady again," Poe says conversationally as he pulls a bagel from the bag and examines its toppings. When he realizes it's cream cheese he hands it to Finn and delves back into the brown paper sack, "The one who was looking for you at the nurse's station?"

Rey exhales sharply into her tea as she looks at Poe, "Leia?"

The face he makes tells her he can't confirm the name, "The one who hugged you." he explains, "She was with some guy."

"Probably her husband Han," she says without thinking. She's too busy watching Luke and enjoying the warm embrace of the tea.

Poe barks a laugh and smiles as he pulls out a muffin. The bag is set on a table and Poe is in a chair with his heels on the foot of Luke's bed, "Good for her if that's her husband, tallllllll dark and handsome!" he chirps, elongating the tall for emphasis.

Finn casts him a sharp look as though telling Poe to smarten up but all Poe can do is laugh as he takes a bite out of his muffin.

Rey's attention snaps to Poe, "No…" she says slowly, "Was he a tall guy, well dressed? dark hair about yay long." she holds a hand out just above her shoulder and Poe nods.

"That's the fella."

That damn heat is back and she feels the flutter of something in her gut as she looks away quickly. Not fast enough though because both Poe and Finn have picked up on the fluster settling into her cheeks. "Ben," she says softly.

"Ben," Finn mocks in a breathy sort of girly tone. "Got the hots for your patient's son?"

She kicks Finn hard knocking her toe sharply into his shin but doesn't argue. She doesn't say anything in fact, she just watches Luke as his small chest raises and lowers with every slow and sleepy breath. She needs him to wake up, she's willing him to open his eyes while Poe and Finn discuss the very attractive man who they speculate Rey may be very attracted to. It's infuriating to listen to but it's mindless enough. She wants to tell them the truth of the matter but the words are stuck in the back of her throat and she can't bring herself to utter them aloud just yet.

They're still discussing him when Luke's lashes flutter. Poe is talking about how no one has the right to have hair like that and Rey is laughing softly when she catches it. Unsure whether what she's seeing is real she shifts forward and watches carefully as Luke's eyes do it again, like hummingbirds wings they shudder and his eyes roll within their lids.

"Luke." Rey urges and Poe stops teasing Finn about running away with the attractive Mr. Ben. They're all silent when Luke's eyes open slightly and then close again. It's brief but it's there and then he's moaning, whimpering softly as his eyes shudder again, open for a split second and then close.

There's a long drawn out "Mmmmm" sound as Luke's brow furrows and his nose twitches. It takes a moment but when his eyes finally open again they stay that way. He's clawing at his throat and whimpering softly. Rey drops her tea and throws herself forward. She has him drawn against her body quickly, trying to be gentle but incapable of wrestling with her joy. His small form shakes slightly and Rey pulls back, her hands are in his hair and over his face drinking in the sight of him like a cool glass of lemonade on a hot day. "Momma?" his little voice croaks and the pressure in her chest erupts.

She's laughing and crying at the same time, her dark lashes lit with glittering tears, "Hey buddy," she says with a soft sweetness saved only for him, "Hey, how are you feeling?"

Luke swallows hard once, then again before he says, "Mah 'ead 'urts" and he's nuzzling his nose against her shoulder. "Am I at the 'optial?" he asks softly, missing the h sounds on his words. Normally she'd repeat his sentence back to him in the form of a question to demonstrate the proper pronunciation but she can't even think about that now. Her mind is filled with him and his glowing brown eyes and then way his little hands burry into her sweater.

"Yeah buddy, you gave us a bit of a scare," Poe says as he leans forward a bit, reaching out to place his hand on Luke's shin. He gives the boys leg a gentle squeeze and Rey can see the tears of relief welling up within his eyes.

"Momma, you workin?" Luke asks and Rey shakes her head, pressing her nose into Luke's hair. He smells like antiseptic and hospital but there's the faintest hint of fresh air and chemically manufactured strawberry scent from his shampoo. His hair tickles her nose but she can't help but cling to him as she whispers no. "Can we nuggle?"

"Yeah buddy, we can snuggle," she tells him softly and crawls up into the bed with him. She's not an overly large human being so they fit in the hospital bed nicely, his little arms curl into her as she rolls onto her side and wraps herself around him. One arm under her head as the over pulls him tight against her. He's groggy and she can feel sleep settling over her. His little fists are groping at her sweater, holding her tight as if afraid she's going to leave him. He's scared though she doubts he'll admit it.

When she closes her eyes she can hear Finn cleaning up the spilled tea while Poe shifts and starts talking to Luke softly. It isn't long before she's out, the warm little body and his steady heartbeat like a lullaby for her emotionally wrecked soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this ages ago and I've been fiddling with it ever since. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it with all the crazy things going on and I'll be honest some of it was a bit hard because I was trying to wrap my head around how I as a parent would react if my son were sick. That being said, my son has never been sick like this so I have I could only write from the hypothetical. I have some medical knowledge but it's not doctor level by any stretch of the imagination so please forgive any inconsistencies or inaccuracies I'm trying to keep it as true to fact as I can.   
> We will see a lot more of Ben in the next coming chapters don't worry!  
> Thank you to everyone kind enough to leave a review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just... well it's 97% smut. Enjoy!  
> I re-wrote it it because it was dulled down a lot for another site. It's a little more... sexy now? Maybe?

If he keeps looking at her like that, Rey just might lose her mind. There’s a hunger in Ben’s eyes that is almost frightening as he pulls her down against him on the couch. She falls gracelessly but lands with a smooth thump against his lap. If he's bothered by the impact he doesn’t show it because his hands are everywhere. Tangled in her hair, caressing her cheek, roving down over her back. He’s like a child experiencing something soft for the first time, marvelling at the texture of her skin. His need to touch and feel so strong as he carefully avoids anything too intimate. 

His fingertips are painstakingly soft in their exploration. Across her shoulders, his hand so large against her that it cups her entire neck before he lazily draws it along her arm. Like he's mapping out her body making note of all his favourite spots, spots he wants to revisit over and over. It makes her gasp just slightly, shifting her hips to find just how intense his need to know her goes. He doesn’t seem embarrassed though as he tugs her legs so that she’s straddled over top of him giving her the upper hand. From this position she can feel the swell of him pressing a hard line against her. His jeans strained against an arousal begging for attention. How uncomfortable it must be and how desperate she feels, the need to ease that distress. 

As his hands crawl up the fleshy column of her neck again she turns her head, her mouth catching his thumb. He allows it to drag across the bottom of her lip softly plucking at it like the string of a guitar. Without thought, her tongue darts out to meet it, one slow swipe and a smile. Ben’s eyes go wide but only for a moment as he regains his composure but now she’s desperate to do it again. When she does, the broad centre of her tongue drawing across the pad of his thumb Ben inhales sharply through his nose. He lets his hand linger, his thumb dancing across her teeth before dragging the wet flesh across her neck, painting her in her own saliva. 

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” he whispers, his voice almost hoarse as she shifts her hips against him. The movement causes him to gasp, his eyes becoming unconscionably darker as he groans a soft, “Fuck…” and surges forward, pushing against the angle of their position until their lips meet and he’s devouring her. Warm full lips that she’s obsessed over all evening press kiss after kiss against her mouth as his tongue slowly drags itself across her bottom lip begging entrance. When her mouth opens, their teeth clack together and Ben laughs, soft and breathy before his tongue sweeps inside. It’s warm and wet and his tongue tastes like tobacco. She should hate it, any other time she probably would but this is Ben the beautiful stranger she’s tripped herself up in and goddamnit she can’t help but need more. His hand is at the back of her neck like he’s holding her there with a light and encouraging pressure. She hates being controlled in these types of situations, she usually bucks against it but he’s not forcing her to do anything at all. Instead he holds her, his tongue slowly tasting, encouraging hers to dance. 

After a moment or two he nips at her lower lip softly, “Fuck, Rey,” he pants against her mouth, groaning as his nose nuzzles against hers, “Tell me,” he purrs, “Tell me I can fuck you,” It’s less like asking permission and more like begging, his nose sliding against her cheek as he peppers kisses against the side of her mouth, her jaw, her cheek, “I’ve thought about it all night,” he rumbles, almost rambling. She can feel his eyes close, the soft flutter of lashes against her cheek as her hips unintentionally shift, “Tell me you want me to,” And god does she want him to but her brain can’t formulate the words to tell him and he’s back at it again, worshipping at the altar of her body in search of his permission. 

His mouth is on her neck, hands beneath her shirt, fingertips trailing across her skin as he hitches the fabric up inch by inch. She wants to tell him yes, she wants him to know how badly she wants him but all she can do is moan. His nose brushes against her ear lobe softly as his teeth drag along the pulse point just beneath it. It’s hard to think, it’s hard to do anything other than feel because Ben is relentless. Kissing has never been such a turn on but there’s something in the way his lips move like he wants to know every last inch of her body. 

“Tell me, Rey,” He encourages, her name like a prayer on her lips, he says it with such reverence. His voice is soft nothing more than a growl against her ear as his hands slide awkwardly up her front, “Tell me I can touch you,” he whispers and all she can do is nod. His palms pressing against her tightened belly, his fingertips dancing just below the curve of her breast. He’s so close that she aches for it, those blunt fingers tracing the underside of her chest as he mouths at her neck. A rumbling groan rattles through him the moment he discovers she’s not wearing a bra, his fingertips ghosting against her nipple, “I want to taste you,” he says deeply, his tongue warm against the column of muscle along her neck that pops out as she angles her head, “I bet you taste so fucking sweet.” 

The breathy rasp that escapes her seems to be answer enough because Ben’s fingertips trip along the swell of her breast before tweaking her nipple between two fingers. It feels like she could die right then and there, her body on high alert beneath his attention. He’s careful with his affection, a sweeping thumb, a cupped palm, and then without warning his hands have her shirt lifting up and over her head. The cool air of the apartment bites at her flesh as she sits before him bare now from the waist up. Ben takes a moment, drawing back to take her in, his eyes dragging over her like a starving man savouring a feast. 

She’s been told before that her chest is too small, her hips too bony and flat, and she wonders if any of those things cross Ben’s mind. She knows her mouth is broad and all teeth when she smiles, that her arse is round, her thighs are a little thicker then someone of her petite form. Then he smiles that crooked and devious smile and all insecurities slip from her mind like whispers on the wind. She doesn’t worry that he might think she looks too much like a little boy because he’s busy placing sloppy open-mouthed kisses along her sternum. She doesn’t ask if he's unhappy with what he sees because his hands have found her hips and he’s holding them so very tight that they may bruise. His tongue slides along the curve of her breast before he grumbles and mouths at it wholly. She can feel his teeth as they graze the peddled flesh of her nipple, his hands rocking her against him, holding on as though she’s tethering him to this world. She’s never felt so perfect in all her life, as though she were specifically made for him. 

He makes that noise again, that rumbling growl and the sound shivers down her smile erupting in a desperate heat between her legs. She loves the way he nuzzles his face against her, his nose trailing between her breasts as he pulls her tight, as though simply cannot get enough of her. 

It’s intoxicating the level of confidence his attention bolsters and suddenly she feels that deep need to touch him too. His mouth is everywhere groaning against her flesh, her name, soft praise, deliciously explicit things like _perfect tits_ , _want to taste your sweet cunt_ , _want to make you come all over my tongue_. And he’s all soft lips, warm tongue and sweet blinding stars when he drags his teeth across her skin she feels like she could explode. Goosebumps erupt over her body as he rambles on, “Fuck I could worship your tits all night,” he tells her and she knows he’s being truthful because she can feel the way his cock twitches in his pants with a need that matches her own. 

Her hands claw at his chest, blunt nails leaving soft red marks as her fingers hit his nipple and he gasps. It’s the sweetest of rewards that pushes her to do it again. His pecs are hard and broad beneath her hands and good god how is anyone this effortlessly toned. He has the body of someone who doesn’t try but just is. Smooth lines that are edged just a little as her fingers drag down over his abdominals careful to skirt around the area he’s been hurt. His pale skin already blooming purple. She loses sight of her hands, as his mouth continues to worship her chest, her cheek pressing against a crown of dark hair. 

The angle is awkward but she knows she’s not far from her desired target because she can feel the way his stomach folds just a little. Then there’s the faintest smattering of hair just below his belly button that she can’t help but tease her fingers through. When her fingers tug at the waist of his pants Ben stops. It’s not the end, but a soft pause as Ben’s breath falls ragged against her sternum. His lips pressed against the hollow between her breasts as she toys with the button on his jeans. “ _Careful_ ,” He warns breathlessly, and Rey can’t help but smile as she kisses the top of his head. 

“What happened to ‘ _I want to fuck you, please tell me I can'_ ,” she purrs in teasing and Ben makes a noise that doesn’t even sound human. His hands slip under her backside supporting her thighs as he shifts forward. The sudden movement causing her arms to wrap around his neck for support and suddenly they’re standing. Or rather, Ben is standing and she’s hovering in the air her knees hooked at his hips. Rey gasps and then giggles as his hands adjust their hold on her thighs encouraging her to wrap her legs around him. She can feel the muscles of his stomach go taut as he leans in and nips the corner of her mouth. 

“Bedroom,” he growls and it’s all Rey can do to give him directions, He bumps into the wall as he kisses her mouth, pressing her back against the hard surface as he grinds his hips into her. His mouth is on her throat, behind her ear, across her cheek when he finds her mouth again he pauses a moment, He’s so close his features are blurred around the edges as he gives her a quick peck and then pulls back just a little. He’s smiling, like the cat that got the cream, his grin broad and infectious, “You’re perfect,” he tells her and it steals her breath away, no one has ever spoken to her like this before “You’re… ” he continues between kisses, “God. Want you. So. _Bad_.” 

She can’t help the breathy laugh that escapes her lips because this is too good to be true. It’s the way he fits against her, the way his hands search and grip until they’ve mapped out her entire being. She would never have believed words like this before but when they fall from Ben’s tongue she eats them up like honeyed treasures. 

His hips move in a slow and sweet rhythm as he dry fucks her against the wall. It’s like being seventeen again sneaking around when Luke and the others were out for dinner. Her high school crush Jake Johnson hand snuck in through the window and they’d fooled around until Luke came home and Jake had to crawl back out the way he came. Jake hadn’t been particularly big on foreplay but then again what teenage boys ever is. He did however, love pressing her against the wall as though he were some kind of manly man who simply took what he wanted. Ben was nothing like Jake. Ben who’s hands were larger and warmer and far more skilled. Who’s mouth says such marvellously wicked things that make her cunt throb with a need to be filled. Who's need for her is so strong it makes her teeth chatter because Ben is there and he is everything. Breathing in her ear all of the things he wants to do to her, all the things he’s going do to her, for her. That coupled with the slight pressure of him rocking against her has Rey worried she’s going to come apart before they even get started. 

“Fuck,” he mutters and the way he says it is delicious and sinful, “I can feel how wet you are,” which is no surprise she’s only wearing a thin pair of leggings. He’s pulling her away from the wall, filled with a renewed vigour that threatens to snap her in two, “I bet you’re tight too,” he whispers against her ear, “are you tight Rey? Do you need something to fill you up?”

And how does she even answer a question like that? She wants to say yes, but what if she isn’t? She’s not a virgin but that doesn’t seem to be what he’s asking her. In the end it doesn’t matter because he’s brought them to her bedroom and before she knows it she’s being tossed onto her bed as though she weighs nothing at all. There’s a damp spot on the front of his jeans and she’s flooded with embarrassment as he looks down at the area approvingly, “So fucking hot,” he says almost absently before he’s over her all over again. Hovering on knuckles that are bitting into the mattress on either side of her head. He’s so large and she’s so small and fuck if _that_ isn’t a turn-on in and of itself. 

“Do you want this Rey?” He asks her softly, as one hand takes the brunt of his weight, the other slipping between her legs. His fingers trace the dampness between her thighs slowly, marvelling at the way she gasps when he applies the slightest pressure, “You feel like you want this,” He all but groans, “But you can tell me to stop right now and I will. I promise you I will.” 

Her lashes flutter and all she can see is his face as he hovers over hers, hidden within a curtain of dark hair. She doesn’t know if she could deny him anything at this point. Her body feels like it’s on fire and good god does she wants this. She nods, eyes wide and bright in the low light of her bedroom

A nod doesn’t seem to be enough, “Tell me,” Ben whispers practically begging to hear her say it. Drunk on his need to know he’s wanted, that she’s right there with him. 

Swallowing hard she raises her hands to trail over the lower region of his stomach again. The hitch in his breath is obvious as he bites down on his lower lip. The button is hard to undo with one hand and it takes a little longer then she’d like. She manages though, once open and spread her fingers tremble as the slide beneath the waistline of his jeans before tugging at the band of his underwear, “I want this,” she says, words coming in short puffed whispers, “I want you” she tells him and her fingers dip lower grazing the swollen head of his cock already damp and leaking. Gentle she massages his glans, her fingers slipping through precum until they slide with ease down over his flared head and along the rigid length of his shaft. He feels… there’s no way he’s that big, “God, Ben I want you so bad,” she whimpers as Ben’s fingers stutter against her. 

His breathing is heavy as he looks down at where her hand has disappeared into his pants. The angle of her wrist is funny but she’s determined as her fingers wrap around the velvety flesh to give a few short pumps. “Fuck,” Ben grunts, his fingers pressing a little harder. She’s saturated at this point and the leggings are starting to become uncomfortable, “I need to see you,” he grounds out, his fingers hooked into the band of her pants as he gives an experimental tug. "Can I see all of you Rey?" His hands feel like they might be shaking and it’s strange to think that a man who speaks in such a sinful way might actually be nervous. 

If she’s being honest though, she’s nervous too.

With a nod of approval Ben is back on his knees, her hand dislodged from his pants. His hands trace a line down her body, caressing her sides adoringly. In this position all Rey can think about is how her tits practically disappear leaving her with the chest of a twelve-year-old boy who really enjoys cake. Ben seems to think otherwise. He worships her body as though she were the second coming and that look, that hot needy look he gives her. It’s enough to make her cunt pulse and flutter around nothing but an idea. 

His first tug is experimental, a question post-approval just to make sure. When Rey’s hips bounce in acceptance, her leggings slide down over her body effortlessly leaving her bare and exposed. He takes his time as he extracts one leg, placing soft kisses at her inner ankle, then the inside of her knee before repeating the process all over again with the other side. When he finally has her laid out before him, bare and ready Ben just watches. His eyes rover over her, taking in every scrap of flesh he can. Small pert breasts, slim waist, sharp-angled hip bones and tented knees that part just so with an unspoken invitation. “Are you…? Is this… ok?” His fingertips traipse along the landscape of her inner thigh, thumbs massaging just below where she needs him most. 

The laugh that escapes Rey’s lips is light and airy, “You’re sweet,” she tells him softly, “I’m not…” but adjectives fail her as his fingers slide against her clit before spreading her folds dipping through them in a slow and easy way. She’s not a lot of things and she wants to tell him as much but the words disappear from her tongue as she watches him gather up her wetness and then bring his fingers to his lips. Rey feels flushed and warm and embarrassed because that might be one of the sexiest things she’s ever seen. And Ben, Ben looks at her now with the eyes of a man who’s struggling desperately to maintain his composure. He makes a show of it too, god damn him. 

Hastily she moves to cover herself, for lack of anything better and then Ben’s hands are there swatting hers away, “Don’t,” He whispers, “Don’t do that,” He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing which makes her want to reach out and touch it. Makes her want to trace it with her mouth but Ben is so still it’s almost scary. He’s holding her hands, his fingers looped through hers, “You’re so, so _beautiful_ ,” he tells her, giving her hands a light squeeze, “I — you — fuck…” 

“If you want,” she jokes lightly, moving their hands back and forth a little between them, “Or we can lay here and talk about the inevitable economical collapse of our society.”

Ben looks confused at this, then brings one of her hands to his mouth to kiss at the back of her wrist. He does the same to the other before letting her hands go, “You’ve never had anyone worship you before,” he says it like its obvious like he’s appalled that no one has thought to bring her grapes and rub her feet. It’s funny to think but Ben finds no humour in it. His palms cup her hips, thumbs rubbing soft circles against the dip of her pelvic bones. They jut out at obvious angles and have been a burden in the passed. She’s had partners complain about how her hips dig into them while they fuck her, “You deserve to be worshipped,” he tells her as he disappears down between her legs, tugging her thighs until they’re up and over his shoulders. 

He's so close like this, his breath a warm puff of air that makes her shudder as his fingers slowly slide through her folds. The broad feeling makes her squirm before he dips them inside. It’s slow and soft at first his fingers crooking just so as he places a kiss against her inner thigh. 

The angle is awkward but she can see him watching as his fingers disappear inside her, mesmerized but the way her cunt swallows them up. 

“You’re so wet,” he mumbles, pushing his fingers further, deeper now, hooking them as though he’s searching. Rey whimpers softly as he moves starts to move them, slow at first, testing, his thumb bumping against her clit every time he pushes deep, “So beautiful, and you smell…” if he describes how she smells, she feels like she just might die from mortification, “So sweet,” No one has ever said _that_ before, no one has ever been interested enough to spend this much time in such close proximity, “I can’t fucking wait to taste you, would you like that Rey?” 

Pushing herself up on her elbows she looks down at him, his face hovering just inches from where she needs it. He’s smiling and it’s predatory as he licks his lips and quirks his fingers just so causing her to gasp. It’s loud and throaty, her head falling back against her shoulders as he chuckles, “Does that feel good Rey?”

She doesn’t know if she can answer but there’s a coiling heat bubbling beneath her skin demanding more. She nods but it isn’t good enough, his teeth nipping softly along the apex of her thigh, “Use your words, I want to hear you,” he groans before blowing softly on her clit. 

“I — I ... yes…” she starts, her insides fluttering around his fingers giving him more than her words ever could. 

“You what Rey…” he asks coyly, “Is there something you want?” he grins when her hands grope at her sheets, “something you _need?_ ” 

Rey lets out a shaky breath as she watches him again, “Yes,” she whimpers.

“Tell me Rey, tell me what you need.” He drives his fingers deep, wiggling them back and forth until he hits something, something sweet and hot and so blissfully perfect that it makes her back arch. 

“That,” she cries out, as he does it again his thumb edging around her clit like he knows exactly what she needs but he needs her to say it. 

“Is that all?” he’s hums, she’s never been so turned on in all her life. The sounds coming from between her legs are lewd and magical as Ben’s mouth hovers over just waiting, waiting for her to break and tell him. 

She’s never been particularly vocal during sex, then again maybe she’s never had sex worth being vocal for. Ben isn’t even inside her yet and already she’s made more noise then she thinks she's ever had before. “Tell me Rey,” the words are spoken directly into her cunt, the ghost of his breath lingering, “You’re so fucking wet right now, you should see the way you swallow up my fingers, that’s two, do you think you can take another?” She feels him scissor his fingers, her calves trembling against his shoulders, “You’re getting so tight,” she can feel her inner walls fluttering again as though spurred on by praise, “I bet you sound so pretty when you come, I want you to come, Rey, you just need to tell me what you need.”

Collapsing back on the bed she cries out again as his tongue dips against her clip. It’s warm broad stroke like a match being struck off her spine. It sizzles and sparks something deep inside, “Is that what you want?” Ben chuckles and it’s all she can do to nod.

“Please.” 

He doesn’t need to be told twice, with a soft groan of approval Ben’s fingers slip out. At first the loss is disappointing but then Ben flattens his tongue to drag up the length of her, sweeping over her clit gently before he sucks it into his mouth. Her hips tilt instinctively, her fingers lacing through his hair and it’s soft, so soft beneath her fingers. He groans as she tugs it, not hard, but enough to encourage him to continue. His lips move in a sloppy pattern as he mouths at her gently, lips tugging softly at her labia.   


Her body tenses all over as his fingers return to her entrance, her mouth open in a soft gasp when he eases back inside. His tongue laps heavily as his fingers curl inside and he’s there again, right there only this time he’s pulling her to the edge of something explosive. 

His fingers move at a lazy pace as drawing it out for as long as he can. “Can you come for me like this?” he mutters. 

“I — ahhhhh there — there— do that again.” she wines as Ben pushes in deep and sucks her clit between his lips. It’s electric the tingle it sends down her spine leaving her breathless as her hips start to move of their own accord. “I’ve never—“ she tells him and when she looks down to find him between her legs she could swear he's smiling. He holds her gaze as he nuzzles closer, her tongue wiggling against her until it’s joined his fingers drinking from the source. 

When she moans, he chases it, the room around them filled with wet sounds and desperate cries because it just feels _so_ good. He’s strokes her steadily, his fingers finding that place inside her easier now, the one that makes her whimper and gasp. The one that makes her inner walls tighten around his fingers threatening to pull her under. 

It’s there, the beginnings of something deep, the building of a heat that’s been simmering beneath the surface from the moment he first kissed her. It starts in her toes creeping through her veins like heroin because she needs more of this, more of _him_. Shamelessly she angles her hips against his mouth and Ben uses that to his advantage moving his tongue against her in a heavy spiral. There’s a tension in her belly, thick and heavy that makes her muscles sing every time Ben wiggles his fingers and pulls on her clit. 

She’s so close now it’s almost painful the way her body pulls taut like a bowstring. Her back arches into it and it’s just the right angle, “Ohhh oh god.” she preens, “fuck — fuck— Ben.” 

“Soon,” he quips back with a dark chuckle as he coaxes her on, “That’s it,” he urges, “Come for me sweetheart, come all over my tongue.” 

She gasps again and its, “ _Ben, Ben, Ben_ ,” falling from her lips and he knows, Ben knows she’s right there because his fingers quirk and tug and it’s nothing but white lights and a warm wave of euphoria that swallows her whole followed by a soft gush of fluid. Rey groans because _that_ has never happened before but Ben groans against her cunt lapping at her like she’s given him a gift. 

His fingers don’t stop until the tremors that rock her body subside, pulling her along, drawing out her orgasm until she’s boneless and struggling for air. Ben’s lips smile against her thigh as he kisses her softly. The touch makes her shudder, her skin sensitive in the wake of her orgasm. Ben chuckles softly, as he pulls his fingers out of her and slowly, oh so slowly licks them clean, “You taste so sweet,’ he tells her as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “Have you ever done that before… come like that?”

Her cheeks pink beneath his gaze as he crawls up her body. She shakes her head and he smiles his crooked smile that makes her heartbeat flutter, “Never?” she shakes her head again as he ducks his face in close to her neck, nuzzling his nose against her jawline, “It was so fucking hot,” he tells her smoothly kissing her cheek, then her mouth, his tongue drawing along the plumped surface of her lower lip, “God you are beautiful,” he says softly, like its a secret, “I can’t wait to do that again.” 

Again, as though once wasn’t enough but she knows, she knows as well as she knows she needs air to survive that once would never be enough. Her mind tumbles over the possibility of feeling that again but he’s there, right there and he’s warm and his lips are on hers and she can taste herself. It takes her a minute to process what is happening, her brain still useless goop that sloshes around in her head when she moves. Her body feels blissfully numb but Ben is still partially clothed and she is basking what might very well be the best orgasm she’s ever had. 

Her hands swipe lazily at his chest, more noodle the useful, like a child pawing at a toy just out of reach. She needs to feel him though, the planes of his chest and abs hard beneath her hands as she whimpers and mumbles, “You,” her fingertips tripping on his belt loops as she tugs and pushes and tries to make him understand what she wants. Words don’t work because his tongue is in her mouth and she’s barely able to get out the word “off,” when he starts to chuckle against her lips. Her fingers feel twice the size, clumsy and useless as she shimmies the heavy material of his jeans against his hips, “Off, off, _off_ ,” she breaths into his mouth, mumbling into the kiss as her hands delve into his back pockets pushing them down over his ass, “All of it,” she whines but the angle is awkward and her limbs still don’t work right.

Thankfully Ben takes pity on her shimmying out of his jeans and boxer briefs, kicking them away with the eagerness of a man who’s about to get exactly what he wants. Repositioning itself over top of her she can feel the weight of him fall against her thigh. She can’t see, she wants to but Ben is there and he’s kissing her but she can feel it as he ruts against her hip. 

It doesn’t take much before he’s sliding against her, slipping through her wet folds, through the mess he's made of her. She makes a breathy sound when he hitches against her, the head of his cock bumping against her clit. 

When she sicks in a breath he pulls away and gazes at her through half-lidded eyes. He’s smiling but his eyes are dark and unreadably as he tosses his head to rid himself of the fringe that has fallen into his face. Rey giggles and runs her hands through it a few times, pushing it back the way she’s seen him do it so many times tonight. She can’t help but think about how his hands must be sore but he’s leaning on his elbows, fingers stroking her cheek making it hard to focus on anything beyond his touch. Her mind is a muddy mess of feelings and sensations and he’s right there, so close, so close and yet not quite there. 

Her hips shift and she can feel the way he dips inside, his eyes closing as he worries his bottom lip between his teeth. Part of her wonders what’s stopping him, part of her screams for him to take her but the deepest part of her can’t get enough of those eyes. 

Ben says her name softly, sweetly as he traces the line of her jaw. It’s tender in a way that’s sort of surreal. “I’m going to — can I?” He’s lost in a way that seems strange after all his explicit teasing but she nods and he smiles and that mouth of his makes her want so much more, “Fuck,” the word is jarring as he mumbles and then starts to pull back, “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.” 

She grabs at his forearm, desperate not to let him get away as panic wells within her, “What’s wrong, have I — Did I do something?”

Ben looks almost pained as he turns his attention back onto her. His smile is sad but wanting, “I — I don’t have a condom,”he tells her ruefully as though he’s letting her down. The wight of him lightens above her and Rey misses the warmth of his body against hers. 

Her mind reels, spinning through thoughts and realizations. She’s had sex without condoms before but doesn’t like to make it a habit. Still, she’s been tested recently and she knows she’s clean, “Are you…” she starts, but the question dies on her tongue. She’s embarrassed to ask despite everything he’s already done to her. It’s a perfectly logical question, one that should have gone over before this point, “I mean… I’m ok.” He looks at her curiously, “On the pill I mean and I’m clean… if you are?” Ben blinks as though he’s unable to understand, “Are you _clean_ Ben?”

His nod is sharp, his lips parted as his tongue darts out over them quickly, “Ye-yeah I mean, Yes. I’ve never actually had sex without a condom before,” the admission os breathy and a little endearing. Safe sex is important to him, that’s a good sign right? 

Is she wrong for her to encourage sex without one? “I mean, Finn might have condoms in his room… I could go check… if you wanted?” She offers though the idea of getting up is not one she welcomes. 

Ben’s response comes out in a low growl, “Don’t you move,” he tells her, the authority in his voice making her quiver, “Are you ok if we… without one?” She nods and he grins like a child at Christmas, “I’ll stop… if you want me to. you just have to say.” 

“No… no, I want to feel all of you,” not entirely sure where such a thought has come from she turns her face into his neck, “Please… please,” she doesn’t care that she’s whining, she just needs to feel him. Her cunt flutters around nothing leaving her feeling so empty when just moments ago he had her feeling full. 

Lining himself up Ben allows himself a moment catching her eyes as his cock nudges between her legs. When he enters her, it's slow, the stretch burning so sweetly as he starts to sink inside. He takes his time, as though savouring this first moment, memorizing every sensation as her cunt swallows him up. 

Nothing has ever fit so well, he’s everywhere and there is no room left for anything but him. It takes a moment before he finally pushes passed that final little bit of resistance, that piece that pinches just so. It’s like a paper cut that bleeds into warm and thick and heat and eyes that watch so curiously. He lowers his lips to hers and the kiss is tender making her whimper into his mouth. Her arms wind around his neck pulling him down against her so that there no space left between them.

Nothing, she thinks could ever feel better than this… and then he starts to move. 

He’s nuzzling his nose against her cheek when he begins to pull out, slow, agonizingly so at first. His cock dragging from inside her before he pushes back in again. “Fuck, you feel…” he mutters, but she’s angling her hips and Ben’s words die away with a soft hiss as he buries his face against her neck. 

“Yeah?” she pants as he starts to move, so slow, too slow, too careful, “ _Ben_.”

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles, mouthing at her neck, his teeth scraping as he nips and sucks and marks her. “Hurt you.” he grits out, “You’re so fucking tight. So perfect. So nghhh _perfect_.” 

“Ben,” he shudders when she says his name and it makes her feel powerful, “Ben I need…”

“Tell me,” his hips snap this time as he pushes back in, harder, quicker, just shy of how she needs it. 

“Fuck me. Harder. Please.” Propping himself up he stares down at her, his eyes nearly black as his hips pick up their rhythm. For a moment he ducks his head, peering at the place where he disappears inside her, mesmerized by how their bodies join, the wet sound of bodies colliding enough to make her toes curl. “ _Please_ ,” she whines no longer embarrassed by how needy it sounds because Ben _promised_ her this. 

He growls, licking his lips as he rocks into her. Rey’s hands slide from around his neck, fingertips trailing against his flank. His muscles move and shift as she kneads her fingertips into his obliques and his hips strike harder this time making her gasp, “Yes,” she cries, her head thrown back. “Yes, fuck, please.” 

Pressing the advantage Ben lowers his mouth to her neck tasting her flash as his hips roll and shift into her. His pace is quick, his hands moving to grab her hip so he can drive into her with more force. Her pelvis rocks against him taking her breath away as she gasps and moans and Ben curses. 

“Want to— fuck — ruin you for nnnhg anyone else.” he groans against her skin before pulling away. She chases after him trying to catch his lips in a kiss but their foreheads bang together causing Ben to slow down just a little. The glide of him is easy, as he laughs and kisses her nose, “Maybe not like that.” he says softly. 

He’s so careful and sweet the way his thumb rubs in a soothing circle at her hip before dragging her down the bed closer to him. He has one of her legs up on his shoulders as he continues to push into her, his pace picking up. He doesn’t ask if it's ok anymore, he just watches. His eyes absorbed on the way her body swallows him, “Fuck I wish you could see this,” he tells her kissing her leg as it bounces on his shoulder, “You’re so pretty here, so pink and perfect, spread around me.” his thumb stumbles against her clit as his other hand hugs her thigh until he’s applying pressure over her pelvis. It seems strange at first until it’s just _there_ and that liquid heat begins to simmer in her veins again. It’s like being held over the edge of a blissfully deep chasm and any moment she’s going to tumble over the edge. It coils and snakes its way through her limbs as Ben holds her still, his pressure steady as he groans.

His head falls back as he strokes into her over and over, and there, just _there_ he’s hitting the spot inside her again. The one that made her body sing. The pressure of his palm pushes him into it as his hips start to stutter, “Need to feel you come,” he grunts. “Come for me Rey.” A wish, a command, a _plea_. 

Her mind is a swell of sensations pulling her in all directions as his hips drive her into the mattress. Ben, lost to the sensation burbles on in a filthy arc of expletives that shouldn’t turn her on but she can’t seem to get enough of. He’s losing his composure as he pushes harder and without warning it’s there, her head dizzy as her thighs shudder. Ben’s movements slow as it builds a soft tremor at first, “Ben… Ben… _Ben..._ ” her voice sounds high and breathy, a warning, a promise and there's the fluttering of something gentle, “there, _there_ ,” her voice breaks, “I’m going to… _I’m going to…_ ” and it erupts in a convulsion, her back arching as he drops her leg and holds her thighs against his hips. 

Rey locks her ankles as Ben lets go, pushing her through it as she gasps and whines and mewls beneath him. He whispers soft praise, _so sweet, so tight, so wet, so good for him_. Things she never thought she would like to hear but they make her toes curl. 

His pace is brutal as he slams into her, her arms curling around his shoulders to claw at his back. He’s close, she can tell by the way he swells inside her, the way words tumble out of his mouth with no sense to them at all. “Can I come inside?” he manages his hips working so hard her hips lift off the bed. 

One of his knees props up her thigh as he pushes, “Inside,” she manages softly as the remnants of her orgasm flutter through her. His mouth is on her neck again, as she nibbles on his shoulder. She’s never really understood the fascination with biting during sex but Ben tastes like salt and sex and when he moans into her neck she thinks she kind of understands. His hips lose their rhythm as he draws back his face hovering over her before he kisses her again. Her body feels like a live wire, sparking and sensitive beneath him as his tongue slips between her lips.

He’s getting sloppy, but it’s fierce, the pace he sets dragging her back towards the edge with him. She's never come three times before, _ever_ but she’s too on edge, her body still too responsive to his touch. Rey clings to him this time, her body trembling beneath his. His movements are erratic, his groan loud against her mouth, their teeth clacking together pitifully. None of that matters though because her name is on his lips as he comes, loud and aggressive. She can feel his entire body shake as his cock pulses and he pushes deeper. There’s a flood of warmth she hadn't been expecting but she’s gasping for air, her lashes fluttering against the need to keep her eyes open. 

Ben is trying to catch his breath when he leans up on his elbows. His eyes glassy as he searches her face before peppering it with kisses. She pants and giggles as his nose nuzzles against hers, her fingers pushing a few strands of sweat-damp hair across his forehead. He doesn’t move at first, his cock softening inside her while he tells her how beautiful she looks when she comes, how sweet she tastes. Ben talks far too much while he fucks and afterwards it seems is no different. 

The praise makes her feel awkward but truthfully she’s never felt more beautiful then she has at this very moment. Her skin slick with sweat, her thighs sticky, her hair a mess and the most beautiful stranger she’s ever met still rooted within her. 

They lay like that for some time before Ben finally shifts, slipping out of her. The loss of that pressure leaves her feeling empty and sore. Her muscles scream from abuse, areas aching she didn’t know it was possible to have ache. It’s all worth it though, as Ben pulls her flush against him. On their sides like this he pulls her thigh up over his hip before dragging her duvet over their bodies. “We,” he pants softly, pressing a kiss to her nose as his fingers push fly away hairs behind her ear, “Are doing that again,” Rey doesn’t know if she has it in her but Ben has her wrapped in his embrace, her head tucked away against his chest. Her heartbeat flutters as he presses a kiss against her forehead, as though they’ve always done it this way. As though this is their norm, this frantic fucking followed but such a sweet embrace. Like they’ve known each other forever and it’s then that she knows he’s right. 

It’s funny how lying naked with someone after having sex can be more intimate than the sex itself. Ben’s attention is hyper-focused now, his fingertips trailing soft lines down her arms, across her shoulders, up her neck. “Won’t your friends be worried about you?” Rey asks, the haze of their fornication lifting enough for her to see small glittering pieces of rational thought. 

Ben smiles a soft, "Naw," as he pulls her closer. She can hear his heartbeat as it hammers against his sternum worn from wear and activity. "I should probably plug my phone in though. I think it's dead."

Rey goes to move, "I'll get you a charger," she offers but Ben is grumbling as he pulls her back against him trapping her within his bear-like embrace.

"You don't have sex like that and then just get up and act like it never happened," He tells her calmly his eyes a lighter shade of hazel now in his postcoital bliss. "My friends will be fine and right now you are needed right here."

The giggle is soft and sweet and it seems to make Ben smile as his fingers trace the outer shell of her ear, "I'm needed am I?" she teases. It seems strange though but she likes the way it makes her feel. She's needed. She knows it's not serious and she shouldn't put the weight into it that she does but the warmth that blossoms beneath his words feel nice and so she holds onto them just a little longer.

Inside her room, in her bed, in their little sex bubble, she's allowed to feel good about this. "I've never needed anything more in my life," he says softly and part of her wonders if something like that could even be true. "I want you to know, I've never done this before…"

"You said…" she starts but there's a look in Ben's eyes that stills her.

"I meant it," she wants to believe him, part of her even does, what reason does he have to lie after the fact? Truthfully though she's not sure if that even matters now. She's had one night stands before, she's had fuck buddies and a hand full of boyfriends too but nothing as transcendent as this. "I'm not saying I'm a virgin,"

"Obviously not," she giggles.

Ben's smile is sweet and gone is the man with the filthy mouth and the cock that ruins women for all other men and here is someone different. Here is someone who wants his truth to be known, to be understood. "I'm serious," he says with a slight flirtation. His mouth nips at her shoulder as he lazily sucks on the expanse of flesh and Rey doesn't even care if he leaves a mark, she even sort-of welcomes it "I've never pursued anyone like this before. I've never experienced… " his lips shift and his nose is against her ear, his words a soft breathy whisper against her skin, "You - You're like coming up for fresh air after living my life at the bottom of the ocean. I never knew I needed or wanted it until I realized I was missing it."

His words are too heavy, too real. They're terrifying, they're life-altering and Rey doesn't ever want him to stop. "You don't know me, Ben," She tells him patiently but that doesn't seem to matter.

"But I want to is the scary thing." He tells her as he rolls onto his back and pulls her onto of him. She's laying so she's straddling his hips and she can feel the spent remnants of his erection stirring beneath her. She's sure he's aware but he doesn't say anything nor does he draw attention to it in any way. Instead, he pulls the blankets over them so that the cold air at her back is replaced with a warm duvet and massive hands that hold her close. Rey rests her head against his chest and he kisses the top of her head in a moment that seems too pure to be real. He's huge as he lays beneath her. Broad hips she can barely sit astride, a chest that she can rest against like a lizard sunbathing on a rock. His arms make her feel safe and treasured and it's all she's ever wanted. "I'll be honest I came out tonight to forget someone,"

The truth of it doesn't settle well and when she stiffens Ben holds her closer, "No, don't do that… don't." he chides as she hides her face against his sternum, her cheek pressed against the hard bone beneath pale wonderfully warm skin. "Hear me out,"

And so he tells her, he explains the bad break up, the stalker girlfriend and the threats of self-harm and restraining orders. He tells her of broken people and the lengths they'll go to to keep something they know is unhealthy for them. Ben explains in more detail then she deserves how his friends encouraged him to get away for his reading break and how he managed to stumble into the Hannah House frat party. He'd never been a smoker until recently and now it was his worst vice. He blames stress but knows he needs to take responsibility for his own choices. It's the most intimate and vulnerable thing she's ever experienced. Riding out her post-orgasm high while getting to know the soul of a person. He asks her questions too and to her surprise, she answers honestly. She tells him about being in foster care and how she lives with her foster brother and sister whom she couldn't imagine life without. She tells him about Luke and how he changed her life and all the ways in which she is thankful.

She even admits that while this may be his first time going home with a stranger he is not hers but he's now ruined her for any other man. They laugh and they chat and they fuck. Good god do they fuck. Ben has the stamina of a man in his sexual prime and he's giving too, so unbelievably giving. They don't fall asleep until her legs are sore and her body feels like one raw nerve ending. At some point, they manage to roll out of bed and grab a slice of cold day-old pizza. Ben plugs his phone in but promptly ignores all the messages flashing on the screen in favour of burying his face between her legs again.

She doesn't ask though she knows she should have, where he's from or when she'll see him again because the truth of that scares her. It's easier to think of him at the moment as they are because tomorrows and the next days are future plans and while she wants to have those with him the reality of such a connection is terrifying.

They fall asleep, Ben on his back while Rey uses him as a pillow. He's holding her hand as she drifts off but when she wakes he's gone. Her bed is cold and empty and it leaves a strange pang of sadness that seems totally unjustified. There is however a note with a number and a lovely paragraph that she holds close savouring the memory of his touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going for cute and awkward while being... sexy? I don't know. I must hone my smut writing ability!  
> I like the idea of a mid 20's Ben being a mix of obscene confidence but also totally lost. Anyway, there it is. Let me know what you think lovelies! xo


	7. Chapter 7

When she wakes up Luke is sitting upright, his legs crossed awkwardly at the ankle as he and Finn drive dinky cars up and down the sheets. Luke is giggling as Finn makes strange car sounds, his lips vibrating in a soft raspberry.

"Dat not 'ow dey do it!" Luke cries jovially and Finn makes a face of mock shock and horror acting the part of affronted of appalled. He switches up making 'putt-putt' noises instead in a way that squeezes at Rey's heart a little.

Closing her eyes tightly she can almost pretend they're at home, she's asleep on the couch and Finn and Luke are playing on the car mat. Finn's better at kid's games, Poe is better at storytimes and boo-boos. They're both utterly perfect and Rey honestly doesn't know how she could manage without the two of them. It was weird at first, finding out she was pregnant. Having a baby, watching her best friends become fathers without a second glance or even an ounce of hesitation. Rey doesn't know what she ever did to deserve them but she covets their love like sand dollars found on a beach. Rare and fragile but steady against the waves.

"Fiiiiiiiiiinn." Luke whines in a way that means he wants something. Finn is a sucker for those puppy dog eyes and broad full smile. Luke knows it too, he only turns on the charm when he thinks he has Finn alone, "Wheres P-oe?" Poe's name comes in two parts, stuttered and sweet.

Finn simply continues making his car noises when Rey opens her eyes. Luke has his back to her but Finn has her in his line of sight, "Poe went to talk to the doctor for a minute, he'll be back soon though." he assures the little boy, the deeper meaning to his words, however, hit Rey square in the gut.

Luke seems to consider Finn's words carefully as he says, "Doctor kitty cat?"

It's impossible not to laugh, the sound falls from Rey's lips in a rushed outburst of air that starts breathy but ends in a chuckle. The sound of it draws Luke's attention, he's wheeling around on her quickly giving her no time to sit up before his arms wrap themselves around Rey's neck. "Momma!" he cries as she struggles against his affection. He's holding her steady as she tries to shift positions, sliding him along the bed with her.

She feels his forehead and then his cheeks with the back of her hand, glancing at Finn. He's idly toying with his little red pick-up truck running it along the bumpy sheets when she nods in his direction, "His fever feels like it's come down," she says to Finn lightly, eager for some form of good news.

"Yeah, an intern came by earlier to give him some more meds, they perked him right up," Finn tells her calmly but there's more that he's not saying.

"Which intern?" she asks as she slides Luke's little body up hers so that they're both sitting upright. Rey is sitting with her legs stretched out in front of her, her body curved around Luke's while the little boy settles onto her lap happily.

"Doctor Kitty Cat called 'im Ding!" Luke cries joyfully as he runs his little blue car roughly into Finn's truck and then squeals happily. He proceeds to chase Finn's truck around with reckless abandon as he takes over control of it too playing away happily with his toys.

"Kanata is still here?" Rey finds herself asking, Maz should have been off hours ago if the clock on the wall is correct. She's bouncing her knees a little so that Luke jostles on top of them, her hands winding idly through his thick, dark tresses. All she wants to do is touch him, to hold him, to keep him within reach. He's so happy it's hard to remember how sick he may actually be.

It's when Poe returns with Doctor Kanata in toe, reality does it's funny topsy-turvey thing and Rey feels the panic start to settle into her bones. Maz looks exhausted, as though she's been running a marathon that just isn't over yet. There's a pang of guilt there mixed with an odd sort of gratitude for the Cardio surgeons acute attention to her son's case despite everything else.

Luke is scrambling to his feet but Rey catches him around the middle. He's flailing against her hold groping madly for Poe as Poe approaches. It's a hard pill to swallow, watching him dive for someone else but as Poe gets close enough Rey lets Luke go and the little boy is swooped up in Poe's arms, clinging to the man greedily. In the end it's ok, Rey needs the opportunity to get up and stretch her legs. She's stiff from the hospital bed and the few hours of sleep she's managed to snatch from the day. Still her mind throbs, her eyes aching like someone is sitting in her orbital socket trying to push them out.

The fluorescent lighting is hard to take but she adapts quickly, grabbing at Luke's toes as he chatters away to Poe asking when he's going to get a snack and if they can go and check out the train down in the basement. The train isn't in the basement, it's a small set up at the nurse's station in the pediatric wing but Poe likes to take him there when they stop in to say hi. Poe bounces Luke around, sweeping him in wide circles as they lean their heads close together conspiratorially. It's nice to see, them so happy.

"Rey…" Maz says softly, her hand is at Rey's elbow as she leads her out into the hallway, "He seems… good?" the small woman asks softly. Her large luminous eyes look tired and worn as she pulls her glasses up to sit on top of her head.

"They gave him something to get his temperature down," Rey explained quietly as she rolls the sleeves of her sweater up her forearms bunching them at the elbows. She's speaking to Maz but her eyes keep flickering back to where the little boy and her two best friends settle into a game of dinkies.

Maz makes a noise of understanding as she nods softly, "And you?"

Rey knows she can't lie, not to Doctor Kanata. The older woman has a strange way about her, some say it's the gift of sight, some say she's just creepy but Rey has seen it in action too many times to discount its validity. Those deep hazel eyes flecked with a smattering of different colors like mossy marble dug up from deep within the earth.

Rey looses a sigh that causes her limbs to tremble just a little, "How am I suppose to be?" She asks with a rueful smile. Still Maz observes her, and Rey can feel it like the woman is reading her soul. It's intimate the way those eyes rove over her, see through her to the heart of her pain. "I'm so lost right now…" Rey says finally. Her back's against the wall as her feet slip out from under her. Maz doesn't shift, she merely treats Rey to a soft knowing smile as she lets Rey continue, "I feel so much right now and then there's this deep part of me that feels nothing at all like everything I'm feeling is cursory. I've watched this happen so many times I feel like that's all this is. Like it can't possibly be my kid that's sick…"

"Has Ackbar been back to talk to you about the marrow results?" Maz asks softly, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her lab coat as she watches through the open door. Rey knows she must be watching Luke, she can hear the way he laughs as Poe calls him a cheater. She can see it without having to use her eyes, the way Poe likely has Luke wrapped up in his arms like he's the most precious thing in the world.

Shaking her head Rey draws her knees to her chest and allows her chin to rest there a moment, "He may have been back but I've been asleep…" she admits softly, "I imagine he'd wake me up for something that important." Maz makes a noise of agreement as she continues to watch through the open door. Rey is surprised she can see anything with her glasses on top of her head like that but Maz is if nothing if not a wonder.

There's something there in the corner of her gaze, a glint of something curious. Like a knowing of the truth that makes Rey's blood run cold. She can't speak though she wants to. She can't ask what it is that Doctor Katana sees there because the truth of it may just well break her. It's frightening to feel so naked, to be so vulnerable when your truth is so much greater then the sum of it's more obvious parts. She wants to ask what Maz sees but instead she finds herself asking, "Hows… Han?" Pulling Maz's attention back to Rey's crumpled form sitting on the floor.

The soft smile shifts replaced by a half quirked grin and a grumble as she says, "Stubborn old goat, he's going to be the death of me." The fondness there is undeniable as Maz lets a soft sigh free, "I'm worried if we don't do the surgery soon we're going to end up with more complications. As it is his heart structure is mildly abnormal. Nothing too concerning but there's an extra artery going into one of the chambers and with the strain on his heart he seems to have developed an aneurysm." Rey nods. She knows in all likelihood it's information Doctor Kanata shouldn't be sharing with her but Maz is known to talk through a situation in order to better understand it properly. Like getting a second set of eyes to look over the problem only the second mind is still hers, she's just observing it from a different angle.

"And Leia?" Rey asks, pulling Maz from her mental focus, "She sought me out you know, found my at the nurse's station."

That gets Maz's full attention, "Did she now?" if she's upset she doesn't show it. Instead she seems to consider the implication, "She was rather worried about you. Ben too now that I think about it. You know him from before this?"

Ben's name brings a flush to her face Rey desperate to suppress. Happy to keep her face buried against her knees she looks up at Maz who is still looking passed the doorway and into Luke's room. The older doctor shifts on her feet some as she slips her thick-rimmed glasses back down against her nose, quirking her lips to the side.

Rey's response is a soft, "Y-uh Yeah - yes we met a long time ago." The offered information falls on ears that are only half-listening as Max tilts her head to the side. Nervous, Rey scrambles to her feet, moving to stand beside the doctor as she watches Poe holding onto Luke on outstretched arms. The little boy is laughing as Poe twirls him in circles while Luke lays across Poe's arms. He's flying him around the room like an airplane as Finn grabs at Luke's feet every time the little boy swoops passed. A peel of laughter fills the room with a giggle that sends a bolt of warmth flooding through every vein in Rey's body. It's a sound she has memorized, a sound that she holds onto closely, coveting the way it makes her feel and the comfort it brings.

"How long ago did you say?" Maz asks distantly and it takes everything in Rey not to react.

"I met him at a party in university," Rey offers but she's watching Maz who won't stop staring at her family. There's a feeling of uncertainty and fear what wavers through her because she can see the way Maz is taking apart all of the information presented. She wonders if the doctor has picked up on the boy's features that are almost too big for his face or the way his ears poke out just so beneath his shaggy mop of hair that is just a little too dark to have come from Rey.

There's a flicker of panic that sets in as Poe makes his way over to the doorway. Luke, still stretched out over Poe's arms as he zooms Luke up to Rey's face and the little boy giggles as he kisses his mother with a resounding smack of his lips. "Moooooommma." Luke chimes happily as Poe shifts him so he's sitting on Poe's hip in his johnny shirt and a pair of sleep shorts, "Can I 'ave icecreaaaaam?" He asks sweetly.

Poe of course ever the instigator chimes in with his own pleading, "Yeah can weeeee?"

Rey looks to Maz as the woman drinks in Luke's pale features and smiles. When she turns her attention on Rey she seems to realize it's her as the doctor who has been left to decide, "I don't see the harm, but I'm not his doctor," Maz quickly affirms raising her hands in the air, "I'll say yes," she says conspiratorially as she leans in close to Luke. Maz is a short woman who barely comes up to Poe's chest but Luke leans in as though they're blossom buddies about to share a secret, "But, only if you promise to bring me back some."

When Luke smiles, Rey's heart breaks into a million pieces. He's laughing as he throws his arms into the air in triumph, "Yeah! Momma want some too?" he asks as Poe bounces the boy on his hip the way he used to when Luke was just a baby.

"Please and thank you," Rey says softly, "I'd love strawberry."

Luke scrunches his nose, "Chocolates bet-er," he grumbles, "Doctor Kitty-kat, what kind you want?" ever the little gentleman, his hand holding tightly to his dinkies. Rey wants to tell him to wrap his arms around Poe's neck. He's so much bigger then he used to be when they'd carry him around this much but Poe gives her a soft smile and she backs down a little. Poe can handle it, if anyone can it's Poe.

"Why chocolate of course!" Kanata cries as she grabs Luke's toes lightly, "You might want to get some shoes on though, Poe can't possibly carry you AND the ice-cream!"

Luke seems to ponder on the merit of Maz's words before he grumbles, "Got no shoes," as though this is the most disappointing fact of all.

In a moment of genius Rey flits back into Luke's room to where her purse sits. It's not shoes but she does have a pair of socks in there that have been in there for weeks now. When she brings them to Luke. Maz helps shift them onto his feet easily as Rey disappears this time to find a pair of hospital slippers. It's not shoes but it'll do in a pinch. "You listen to Poe and come straight back here." Poe nods as he lets Luke slide to the floor and holds out his hand for the little boy to take. Poe isn't a large man, if anything he's resoundingly average but with Luke at his side he seems a giant. The little boy's hand is swallowed up as Poe tugs him along off and down the hallway.

As they disappear Rey realizes she has a hand clutching at her chest pulling on the fabric of her sweater. It's hard to let go of the tension, hard to let go of the apprehensive fear that settles in as she watches her heart walk out of sight. Maz has her pinned, eyes wide and curious as she says, "This would be easier with a family history you know," her words filled with a wise cadence that makes Rey incredibly uncomfortable.

"I know," Rey breathes out, "But, I don't know my background, the plight of a foster kid and Luke's father isn't in the picture."

Maz offers her a gentle smile when she asks, "No contact at all?" there's a softness in her voice that Rey only just recognizes. A knowing that is buried beneath a need to remain professional lined ever so delicately with the warmth of someone who truly cares. After a moment of silence and Rey tumbling through a myriad of emotions far too complex for her to pick apart Maz says, "It's none of my business," and Rey stiffens, here it comes, "I just want to say, things like this are often easier dealt with when there is family around."

"My family is around," Rey offers, her voice shaking just a little.

"Your family, yes," Maz reaches out and touches Rey's forearm. Her hands are soft but wrinkled as she gives Rey a gentle squeeze, "But not all of his. There is a good chance that little boy is very sick and you don't have to go through that alone. He should feel love, as much love as can be given him…" When her voice dies away Rey can see all that has been left unsaid and she shivers beneath the weight to it before Maz chirps, "But what do I know!" and gives Rey a harsh slap on the shoulder. "I have to go make sure my idiot interns haven't killed any of my patients, I'll be back in a bit to check-in."

"But, you're ice-cream," Rey offers.

When Maz smiles Rey can see nothing but mischievous intent lined on her aging features, "Oh yes! Tell Luke he'll have to eat it for me," offering Rey a playful wink and a wave over her shoulders Rey watches as Doctor Kanata too heads off towards the elevators.

Entering Luke's room she finds Finn asleep, his shoulders slouched, head hanging back with his ankles folded against the foot of Luke's bed. She can't blame him really, this whole thing has been exhausting and Finn and Poe have been saints through it all. Finn won't be able to take another day off work, she knows that and the thought of him not being there stings a little but she'll make due. Quietly she curls up on Luke's bed again, tucked in tightly on her side her hand pressed against the mattress that smells like hospital and the faint tinge of strawberries. The smell suffocates her pulling her into a soft blissfully empty sleep. When she wakes up, it's to her toes being tickled and the softest of giggles as Luke and Poe stand at the foot of the bed.

What happens next happens too quickly, one minute Luke is pulling at her toes and the next he's falling to the ground his body shaking uncontrollably. Finn is to his feet hurriedly as Poe manages to catch the little boy before he hits the ground and automatically takes control of the situation. Rey knows she's supposed to do something just now but she can't quite think of what exactly she's meant to do. It's one thing when a patient is coding and another altogether when it's own child laying on the ground seizing. She hears a groan that may have in fact have come from her own mouth, she's not entirely sure because everything that follows seems to flow in its own strained version of compressed time. Nurses fill the room all hovering around Poe who barks at them to back up, to move away. There's nothing they can do when Luke's seizing like this. Instead they have to wait for him to ride it out. One nurse a girl Rey knows as Aubrey is off like a lightning bolt the minute Poe raises his voice but when she returns Doctor Saunders is at her side.

Saunders isn't a kind man, nor is he a patient one so when he bumbles his way through the crowd he doesn't take kindly to Poe's making demands. Poe has Luke stabilized on his size as he continues to check his watch, the room around them growing stiff. Doctor Saunders is growling something about checking to see if Ackbar is still in the hospital but no one moves. Saunders isn't a doctor who Rey particularly enjoys working with, she would even go so far as to say she avoids him. He's notoriously condescending and has a god complex the likes of which Rey has never seen before. He also hates to be ignored so when no one takes heed he grabs Rey and hollers, "I shouldn't have to ask twice, go get doctor Ackbar!" She's not even sure when exactly she'd got to her feet.

Rey just stares at him, his hands are like cold steel as his dark eyes make demands she simply cannot comprehend. Poe looks wild but his position at Luke's side can't be compromised so it's Finn who reacts. Finn who doesn't trust doctors and hates hospitals. Finn who has been firmly protective of her since ninth grade.

"Get your fucking hands off her," Finn growls as he pushes himself between Saunders and Rey. Rey only barely registers the doctor's touch, her focus intently on Poe.

"How long Poe?" she says in a voice that's too small, and too weak to be her own.

"Minute thirty," he replies and it's all she can do to inhale sharply.

Saunders's hand is still on her and Finn looks utterly murderous by this point, "It's her kid you cunt, take your hands off her now," Saunders at least has the wherewithal to look ashamed of his actions as he draws away from Rey without an apology. The room is still and suffocating except for the rustle of Luke's body against the floor. When the movement finally stills, Luke's body quiet Poe's eyes go wide. He has his fingers on the boy's carotid and suddenly the room feels very small and very tight. She can't move, her body feels like lead and everything that happens around her is in slow motion. Saunders is pushing Poe out of the way as he calls out orders and the nurses move like dervishes. Finn has her pulled into his arms as she slumps down against the bed and Poe moves to join them.

When Ackbar enters Saunders starts to explain what happening. Poe pipes in giving what little information he can provide and then its Ackbar firing orders to his interns. Someone is talking to Rey about what they plan on doing. They're asking her if she needs anything if they can get her anything but the only thing she wants is her baby boy in her arms. That however is the one thing no one can provide.

Doctor Saunders lingers behind some, standing in the hallway with his hand braced on his neck. He looks almost sorry as Ackbar trails off after his interns and the unconscious little boy. Was he breathing? Did they get him breathing? Was he dead? He couldn't be dead… Rey's mind reels as Saunders enters the room looking oddly morose.

"Ms. Niima," he says with the air of a man who's found himself in the wrong, "I'm so sorry, I didn't…"

Finn doesn't let him finish. He's not a large man nor is he a particularly intimidating one on the best of days but Finn is fierce when it comes to his family. "You need to leave," He instructs pointedly as his eyes flit back over to where Rey and Poe are huddled together in a pile. Rey can feel the way Poe's arms shake just a little. He's muttering that he's sorry, they shouldn't have gone. He's blaming himself for this and it's all just too much.

When Saunders doesn't move, Finn shifts so he's standing between his family huddle and the doctor. Rey can see the way his shoulders are set in a line of determination, "You want to help," he seethes, "Go take care of our kid." Rey can't see Saunders's reaction, frankly, she doesn't care because none of this really makes any sense. Poe is rocking her, a hand in her hair as he shushes her softly. She knows she's not crying, her cheeks are bone dry but is that her making that noise? There's a soft keening sound that almost reminds Rey of the noise their foster father Luke's cats make when they can't find one another.

Time goes by in random spurts and still Poe holds her on the floor. Finn's nerves are shot so he's pacing wearing a rut in the tile. They don't force her to move they just let her be. This is unchartered territory for all of them so each moment is taken in stride.

Finally an intern returns, fresh-faced and hopeful. Either it's good news or they'd just been allowed to scrub in on something. Rey can't find it in her to play that guessing game. The intern, Landsberg explains that Luke experienced a build-up of pressure around his brain stem again. Ackbar had him sedated but wanted to make sure he would be ok so they waited until Luke came back around. They're bringing him down. Luke is awake and very confused so they need to be as calm as possible.

Rey wants to punch Landsberg but it's good news at least.

Or not, she doesn't know.

So they wait. Interns are notoriously useless at answering questions at this stage in the game. They parrot what they've been told but don't hold any of the real information. That's for the residents or attendings.

When Ackbar comes around the corner he's talking to Luke slowly and easily. Asking the young boy about his favorite color and what kind of ice-cream he likes. Luke is in a wheelchair that looks far too large for him but he is awake albeit a little groggy.

The ice-cream. Rey's heart drops when she realizes Luke had been looking forward to the frozen treat and the nurses must have scooped it up and thrown it out in the hurry. In retrospect it's trivial but for some reason that's all Rey can focus on. "His ice-cream," She breaths out softly, "I need to get him more ice-cream."

"Wooooah woah now," Poe says calmly as he urges Rey back down against the bed.

She's nearly frantic as her eyes jump from Poe to Finn, why don't they understand? Why can't they understand?

Ackbar is at her side as one of the interns settles Luke back into his bed. They're hooking him up to a monitor which Luke protests lightly but Poe is there to make him see reason. Finn is helping her out into the hallway but she can't reason what for. All she wants is to be with him, to see him, to touch him. Why is Finn taking her away?

When she turns sharply she's face to face with a man she's never seen before. He has soft boyish features, a nose that's only slightly crooked as though it's been broken once before. His facial hair is neatly kept framing his mouth and stumbly against his cheeks, "Ms. Niima," he says softly, his voice accented and sweet as his dark eyes view her with a calm and patient look. "I'm Doctor Andor."

Pieces start to fall into place as Ackbar finds himself at their side and there's a soft click of Luke's door closing. Poe is with him thankfully with one of Ackbar's interns leaving Finn and Rey alone in the hallway with the doctors. Doctor Andor is kind, Rey can see that in the way his eyes soften as they take her in.

It takes a moment before Rey is able to compile her thoughts coherently enough form sentences but Ackbar and Andor are patient with her, "I wasn't expecting to meet you so quickly." she offers in a sort of half-hearted smile as she offers him her hand.

Cassian takes with a kind shake as he says, "Can we maybe talk in Doctor Ackbar's office?"

In the dark recesses of her mind something growls awake crying out not to leave her child. It's wild and primal and claws at her insides like a crazed beast but Finn's hand finds hers and gives it a little squeeze. "Poe's got him," he assures her and together they follow the pair in their lab coats.

The hospital is buzzing with life as nurses slip in and out of rooms on quick and expedient footing. No one stops them, but Rey can feel their eyes on her back as she moves. She's one of them and whether or not she's worked in their department or on the same floor there's a sad solidarity there that wraps around her like a blanket. Ackbar's office is close to imaging, it's filled with pictures of his family and certificates noting him for his many achievements. On his desk is a strangely painted bowl filled with an assortment of golden wrapped candies and an ancient dipping bird that Rey can't help but focus on as she sits. Ackbar takes a back seat to the conversation hiding behind his desk as Doctor Andor pulls a seat up in front of Rey. Finn takes his place at her back with his hands on her shoulders. The act of comfort is as much for him as it is for her, Finn hates hospitals.

Doctor Ackbar starts right away, no preamble or easing into it. It's quick and dirty and it makes Rey's head spin. He explains the same things he's gone over already. The build-up of pressure and how it's causing the seizures. When he mentions the bone marrow Doctor Andor takes point. It's like listening to someone talk underwater. The words sound garbled and awkward as Cassian explains their findings and what they mean. Luke does in fact have Leukaemia it appears to be early stages but the swelling in the brainstem area is cause for some concern. They want to start him on a high dose of Chemotherapy right away to halt to the progression of the disease and then they'll phase him down to an outpatient chemo treatment. The trick is tailoring the treatment to Luke's specific case. If the disease is in his nervous system that may complicate things but the build-up may be coming from somewhere else. It would really help if they had a more comprehensive background history.

Rey groans, this is going to be an ongoing theme throughout all of this but her own medical history is a blank slate. She was left at a fire station when she was four years old. The only memory she has of her mother is a mass of dark brown curls walking away from her after telling her she was sorry. After that it was foster homes and shelters. She'd run away a few times before she ended up with Luke Skywalker and her life changed for the better. Luke wouldn't be of any help though unless he miraculously had some way of digging up her mother's records. She doesn't even know the woman's name.

Luke's father on the other hand…

Finn squeezes her shoulder lightly while Doctor Andor outlines a treatment plan and his approach. He's seen a lot of kids bounce back from this there's no reason to think that Luke can't too. They want to start him as soon as possible on a regime of Chemo treatments with the possibility of radiation later on but they'll delve into that a little later. For now he'll need to stay in the hospital to be monitored through the first phase. It's often hard on parents to leave their child but Doctor Andor assures her sleeping in her own bed will be good for her peace of mind. If she has family around she should reach out this isn't going to be easy but they'll make it as painless as possible.

When they leave Doctor Ackbar's office Rey feels dangerously numb. Her mind tingles as it processes all of the information they've just shoved into the very limited space she's had left. Finn encourages her to get back to Luke's room and maybe call Skywalker to fill him in. Rey doesn't have to heart to call their foster father. Instead she convinces Finn to go for coffee and pick up ice-cream so that Luke has something small to look forward to.

Chemo is going to kill his tastebuds and make everything taste like cardboard so she wants him to enjoy the good stuff while he still can. Her heart aches for the little boy who can't even tie his own shoes yet and has only recently been able to go all night without wetting the bed. He's barely had a taste of what life has to offer and now they need to pump him full of chemicals….

But, it's to prolong his life. It's a short term pain for a long term pay off. She needs to think of the long game here.

Finn leads her outside to a coffee cart telling her she needs some fresh air and he needs a caffeine stat. While Finn occupies himself in the lineup Rey finds a seat nearby on one of the cement blocks that line the hospital's communal garden space. People mill about; patients, nurses, doctors and visitors alike all enjoying the bright sunshine and the surprisingly calm spring day. The sun feels good against her skin, and Rey can't help but raise her face towards it's brilliant embrace. She sighs and leans back braced on her palms as she allowed the words of Cassian Andor to really sink in. She's stuck between obsessing over every minute detail and chastising herself for not acting more like a concerned parent when she hears someone call her name.

It's deep but soft in a way that crawls along her spine like feather-light kisses. She know's him immediately, her heartbeat singing in her ears as she opens her eyes to take him in. He's in jeans today but looks just as immaculate as he had the night before. His hair is swept back just so out of his face, a few pieces tucked behind his ear accentuating the way they stick out adorably. His coloring is all dark blues except for the button-down that folds over his dark v-neck. The button down is a vibrant but deep blue which lightens his otherwise dark ensemble. Over one arm he carries a deep grey wool coat with flecks of black woven through it while in the other hand he carries a tray full of coffees.

"Oh… Hey Ben," She offers lamely. Her voice sounds scratchy and raw in her ears as she clears her throat trying to push away the excessive emotion that's been welling up beneath the surface. From his position at the coffee truck Rey can see Finn peering cautiously. There's been too much today to deal with any extra drama and yet Rey doesn't necessarily want Ben to walk away either. "How's your dad?" she offers lightly sitting up some.

Ben makes a flustered sound, like blowing out air but groaning at the same time, "Driving everyone nuts," he says with an air of lightness to his voice, "He doesn't get how serious this is…"

Rey's lips quirk in a smile as she thinks back to Han and the boisterous way he approaches life. She's seen it many times before and often it doesn't mean what the friends and family think it does, "I think he does," Rey offers kindly, "I think he does more than anyone but he doesn't want you to worry so he makes light of everything."

Her words seem to hit home for Ben because he's soon smiling at her, his lips drawn wide in a grin that accents his dimples. Dimples she knows too well. "You're probably right," he says with a kind smile, "Will we see you today? Doctor Kanata said she didn't think you'd be back but you're here…?" there's a hopeful note in his voice that causes Rey's world to shift just a little. She's pinned beneath those whiskey-colored eyes that seem flecked with gold in the light of the sun. There's so much there to sift through, it's like rubble on a mountain path preventing her from climbing any higher.

"No... no," she offers and at the moment she sees him take her in, truly take her in. She must look a state because his eyes soften to a degree that's nearly suffocating. Self consciously she readjusts her messy bun and flattens out her scrub pants. The same scrub pants she was wearing the day before. In the same sweater, he'd seen her in less than twenty-four hours ago.

"You haven't been home yet," he says softly and the concern there piercing her to the quick, "Are you - is everything ok?"

One minute she's there and the next she's at a frat party and there's this stranger there who's eyes keep following her. Who's touch is like quicksand and who's mouth says such deliciously sweet but explicit things it makes her need to stop and catch her breath.

But she's not that girl anymore and gone is the young man in ripped jeans and black doc martens who just wants to hold her and dance. The years have been good to Ben, his features are strong but more or less the same. His rounded cheeks have thinned and his build is thicker now if the way he's filling out his sweater is any indication. He's a lawyer too, that's new or maybe it's not she wouldn't know because they didn't talk about things like that. It was all hands and curious exploration and mind-blowing orgasms that left her toes curled and legs like jelly.

Lost in her thoughts she doesn't notice as Finn joins them. He too now has a trey of coffees in hand and is eyeing Ben up with a skepticism that Rey knows she should love him for.

"I'll be fine," she lies easily enough but Ben doesn't seem to believe her.

"You don't look fine, you look like you've barely slept." he offers and suddenly she feels so very exposed. He shouldn't see her this well. She's sure she doesn't look that bad, her face doesn't feel puffy anymore and Finn would never allow her to go out looking like an escaped psychiatric patient.

Finn however just watches Ben. Rey can see the way Finn's eyes take in the taller gentleman. Ben's sharp features, his coloring, the way his ears poke out from beneath his hair just so. He's reading Ben like a book he may have heard about before. Like a novel he's sort of skimmed through a few times but never actually read cover to cover. To his credit, Finn doesn't say anything, he just cocks his head and allows his eyes to take this newcomer in.

"Well tell Han and Leia I said hello," Rey offers as she moves to stand up. Ben however doesn't budge forcing her to stand toe to toe with him. He smells like sandalwood and cloves with the underlying hint of something sweet, but fresh. It fills her head and makes her dizzy.

Still he doesn't move, he looms over her like a tree firmly planted, rooted in its place, "Rey…" He says almost pleading and she can't do this now, she doesn't have it in her. His eyes are like molten caramel as they stare at her questioning and maybe even a little desperate, "Can we talk sometime? I'd really like to sit and chat. Maybe over coffee," he offers, then says a little more quietly, "or dinner?"

Rey's eyes widen, "Don't," she says with a tone a little harsher than intended. Ben's blonde girlfriend is there in the back of her mind with her kind accent and her douting daughter in law ways. "You're in a relationship Ben and it was a long time ago, don't worry I don't hold it against you."

Ben looks affronted, Finn however looks curious as he says, "You ok Peanut?"

Finn's voice causes Ben to jump as he turns to view the man who just can't stop staring. "Sorry, who's this?" Ben's tone is awkward and filled with something Rey might almost think was jealousy. But Ben can't be jealous, not when he's the one with the gorgeously leggy significant other that looks like she could double in as She-ra. Not when he never called her back and disappeared from her life. It wasn't how Rey had wanted it to go down but it's what had happened. She played her hand as best she could and there are no take-backs in this game. She made the best of the situation and she moved on. Sure she thought about him more than might be healthy but a connection like that with another human being will do that to a person.…

"Ben this is Finn," she chokes out softly, "He's one of my housemates," she explains but that tinge of something deep and angry is still there beneath Ben's dark stare.

"Nice to meet you, Finn," Ben offers curtly before turning his attention back to Rey, "It's just dinner Rey, I'm not asking…" his voice dies off on the implication as his cheeks flush scarlet, "Gwen would be fine with dinner, I'd like to catch up."

She doesn't need to catch up, she needs to forget. She needs to stop torturing herself with the memory of the first and only man who's ever made her feel alive and cherished. She needs to forget the way his hands felt when he touched her or his arms as he held her. She needs to let go of the way his lips felt when he kissed her… all the places he kissed her. Rey's mind screams for her to say yes but she can't. There is no way she's so much as leaving the hospital until Luke gets discharged.

Luke.

That's when the panic sets in. She can't be near Ben with his knowing stare and his soft sinful mouth. She can't be close to him and his kind eyes and all the unfulfilled promises and torture they bring. "I can't do this Ben," she says but her voice is soft and strained as she slips passed him brushing against his chest as she forces herself between him and Finn. When Ben turns to move after her Rey can hear Finn step up.

"Leave her mate, today's not the day to pursue that particular fantasy," Finn says before turning to catch up to Rey leaving Ben awestruck in the hospital's open garden structure.

Neither says a thing as they make their way back into the hospital. Rey is on a mission to bring ice-cream back for Luke so she's not paying attention when Finn says her name. He practically has to holler it to get her attention causing her to swing around and look at him wide-eyed.

"Who was that?" Finn asks carefully. He's approaching her like she's an injured deer in a meadow that he just wants to help. She's wide-eyed and afraid and Finn knows if he acts too quickly she'll spook.

"Han and Leia's son, that's the Ben Poe was talking about, handsome Ben" she offers with a shakey smile, rubbing at her eyes as though she 's been crying. She knows Finn won't be happy with the answer, he's seen too much, he knows there's more to the story. His dark eyes are tracing her features as though trying to figure out which plan of approach would be best when Rey lets out a soft and steady sigh.

"Who is he to you?" Finn offers, trying a different angle.

"Just a guy I met at a party years ago, no one important." She's trying to wiggle out from beneath Finn's knowing gaze. He's leaving her bare before him and it's unsettling in a way that leaves her raw and far too emotional.

"Hanna House party?" Finn offers and Rey's eyes go wild. She panics, shaking her head and backing away from Finn as though he's about to attack her. "That's him isn't it?" Finn finally asks and Rey knows exactly what Finn means. He'd been the first home that morning, the first she'd told about everything that had happened. He hadn't believed her at first, it wasn't a Rey thing to do but the marks Ben had left on her body were irrefutable proof of some serious bedroom magic.

Rey is shaking her head but her words are stuck in her throat. Finn doesn't seem mad though, just sad, concern edges his features as he reaches out and squeezes Rey's shoulder. "Peanut, I've looked at that little boys face every day for the past four years. I know him, I love him. That man, Ben…?" Rey's mind is screaming, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, "He's Luke's father isn't he?"

Everything stops. One minute she's shaking her head, close to hyperventilating and ready to run, the next the world is black. She can smell the rich scent of dark roast, the faint tinge of something musky and warm. There are hands, warm hands and they're picking her up. People around are making so much noise that it rattles around inside her head and she just can't pick through it all. Finn's voice is calling to her, telling someone to back away, encouraging people to get a nurse, Holdo, Kanata, D'acy. A doctor they know, a doctor who knows. But there's a warm body holding her, wrapping her up in arms that are strong and caring and it's everything she needs at that moment. The feeling of being loved, being cared for and taken care of. The body holding her is speaking, she can feel the rumble of it through their chest and then it's just simply gone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy... oh my... GUYS  
> You are all so amazing, thank you so much for your kind words and just over all amazingness. You're gonna girl your girl a big head here!  
> I'm still quite new to this whole HTML world of AO3 so bare with me but the Marvelous Skimmers made me a motherboard and its amazing and perfect and so so so brilliant, please check it out. [HERE](https://ibb.co/S086xtV)  
> I promise I'll get better at this as I go. I'm super pumped Gwen was added, I can't waiiiiiit to get her more involved in the story. 
> 
> I think at this point its pretty obvious that there is going to be a lot of talk about sick kids in this story so this is will be my last warning about it. Im really happy with how this one came together, I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. I pulled some things that I had outlined in later chapters into this one, ie the conversation with Han. Enjoyyyyyyy <3

There's this insipid buzzing sound that won't stop. It's grating and vibrates like a lightbulb that's not screwed in properly or a plug not quite connected. It's met with a brightness, a brilliance that is all-encompassing and suffocating. Can light suffocate?

And the heat. What is that heat that has it itself coiled around her hand like a small space heater while the rest of her body is so unbelievably cold?

The last thing she remembers is Finn and brown eyes and 'He's Luke's father isn't he?' Those words bounce around her head stripping her down until she's bare and panting and where is she?

Her eyes feel heavy and they won't open on their own. Her mouth feels dry but she can't seem to make it work either. Like she's paralyzed between sleep and wakefulness. The heat at her hand becomes a pressure, a soft stroking of flesh against flesh that is familiar if only she could just place it. Like a pattern or a heartbeat…

"Come on Peanut…" Oh hey, she knows that voice!

Why does her hand itch so much and what is that noise?

When her eyes finally deign to work the world comes into focus in pieces. Fuzzy edges and blurred lines but the warmth is there to soothe her. A flutter of touch against the back of her hand that tells her things will be ok. She smiles despite herself as the lights overhead bleed into focus and she knows exactly where she is. There are hushed voices and hurried footsteps and a horrendous beeping that rattles around in her skull like a gong. These are the noises from the emergency room. People coughing, asking questions, someone sobbing and then there's Finn. His face is calm and impassive as he looks between her and something offside. She can't see what it is, her focus is hazy at best so she keeps her eyes trained on Finn. The bright light casts his face in shadow as he brushes his fingertips across her forehead and swoops in to press a kiss there.

"Hey baby girl," he coos softly, she can't remember the last time he's called her that. When she was… oh, wait.

The world comes crashing down on her all at once. The itching in her hand, the strange chill in her arm, the warm stroking of…

"Ben…?" her voice sounds strained and distant as though it belongs to someone else. The warmth squeezes and Rey can see Finn's eyes narrow before she has a chance to turn her head.

His voice is cool and smooth like whiskey poured over ice, "Hey, you scared the shit out of us." Us, as if there is an us.

"Ben was coming in to see his Dad, you kind of fainted…"

"Stalker," Rey quips lightly, a diversion tactic that fails horribly.

His soft chuckle might be the greatest thing she's ever heard. It reminds her of dancing with a stranger who held her close and whispered dangerously beautiful things in her ear. When she casts her gaze in his direction she can almost see that boy. His hair a little longer. His grin a little brighter. His mouth so full of promises and sweet kisses that set her nerves on fire.

"I told him he didn't have to," Finn cuts in harshly, her valiant protector, "Holdo says you're dehydrated. Rey you need to…"

"I know, I know," she groans as she tries to sit up. There's a tug on her arm as Ben helps her up. His grasp on her hand almost biting as she topples forward just a little, bumping something hard and… oh it's his chest.

How delightful.

Finn's phone must go off because he jumps and then pulls it from his pocket, "It's Poe."

Rey nods as Ben's hands, his large beautiful hands steady her. He's gentle, a soft palm running down her bicep as he cocks his head and leans in a little trying to catch her attention, "You ok?" he mumbles and all Rey can do is nod. Her body feels woozy and a little disoriented causing her to grasp Ben's forearm for support. They stay like that a moment, forearms clasped while his free hand moves to meet her back, to steady her.

"This Andor guy is a big deal, Poe just looked him up."

"Cassian Andor?" a sharp accented voice calls.

It takes a moment but when Rey looks up, Jyn is standing at the end of her cot with a glass of ice chips and a muffin in her hand looking mildly scandalized, "Yeah, he's here doing a lecture on stem cells and something cancer-y or something to that effect… Shit Rey this guy has done TED talks and everything."

"He's won awards. He's one of the best in his field," Almost as if she's just now remembered her purpose in descending into the pit Jyn awkwardly offers Rey the dixie cup and baked good, "I heard you'd passed out, you should go home. What are you still doing here?"

Jyn's eyes flit from Finn, whom she knows tp Ben whom she does not. Ben who has his hands on Rey's body as though he knows her. Like he knows her intimately if the way Rey is leaning into him is any indicator. At one point Rey may even have cared how this sort of thing might look to the casual observer. At one point. But not now, not at this very moment. Now she doesn't have it in her to really care. She simply takes the proffered items with a grateful nod and pops an ice chip into her mouth

"Can't." her speech hindered by the crunching of the ice seems to make Ben wince a little.

"Shit, is Luke still here? Is he…" She stops wide-eyed. Jyn has never been one for intense levels of emotion that aren't of the agitation or annoyance variety so to see her shaken is… odd. Heartwarming, maybe endearing but still deeply strange, "He's… have you.." she looks at Finn who catches her eye as he looks up from the TED talk loading on his screen. "Have you met with Cassian?"

"Do you know him?" Rey asks around a mouthful of banana chocolate chip. Her favorite.

When Jyn nods softly her eyes shift from intent questioning to the dawning of a solemn understanding. "Oh Rey," the softness in her voice threatens to crack Rey wide open again, "No… no please don't tell me." A hand over her mouth Jyn's eyes glitter with what looks like the budding of emotion she's not entirely sure what to do with. She's not an affectionate person by nature, she's not even an overly nice person so when she pulls Rey into a hug. Rey isn't quite sure what to do.

"Are you?"

"Still processing," Rey affirms as Jyn pulls away. Ben's hand is still there holding hers, squeezing lightly, his eyes curious but quiet. Still Rey can see Finn watching Ben closer then he's watching anyone else.

"Ok well, come see me we'll go over the details of your leave, in the meantime I'll start your paperwork," right, work. She hadn't even thought about what she was going to do on that front, "Don't worry this is the least of your concerns. Cassian is… he's brilliant, really. You're in good hands." There's something quite left unsaid as Jyn squeezes Rey's arm and then rather awkwardly slips off.

"So… the wicked witch knows the handsome doctor, interesting." Finn muses but Rey can't bring herself around to think about that strange interaction. Not with the way Ben is staring at her, not with the way her stomach grumbles in protest.

Avoidance is the best policy in situations like this so instead of facing Ben head-on, Rey takes another bite of her muffin and stares off over his shoulder. She can pretend he's not there. That he's not this unmovable warmth that at this very moment is making her feel so safe and so cared for... Yeah she can do that...

The next few minutes are… strange.

Finn refuses to leave to go check on Luke, Poe is with him he'll be fine. Instead he sits on a chair opposite with his arms folded against his chest and just stares. At her. At Ben. At the strange stain on the ceiling she'd never noticed before. Mostly at her and Ben. Mostly at Ben really and where his hand seems to rub slow circles on her lower back.

She knows she should tell him to go away, that he shouldn't be touching her but all she can manage is a soft, "You should go be with your family."

"I'm fine right here, Dad's having scans and mums popped home for a little, she'll be back later." As if it's that simple.

"Where's Gwen?" She was here with him last night. She's part of his world, his life, his family. It stands to reason she would have returned with him today... right?

Ben's touch stutters, "Work couldn't risk both of us out, we have a new client coming on so it's all hands on deck."

"Sounds important," Finn quips, "What are you doing mate?"

Ben doesn't seem to realize that Finn is talking to him until Finn is standing directly across from him. He's quite a bit shorter then Ben, like a corgi picking a fight with a great dane but Rey knows Finn's bite can be just as bad as his bark.

"Is this a thing for you, show up all Mr. Nice Guy and then fucking disappear?" Rey groans, closing her eyes. Her head is pounding and now she has to listen to whatever this is. Male posturing?

But it's not is it? This is Finn doing the only thing he knows how to do in a crisis. Protect Rey. Part of it might not even have to do with Ben. Only it does because this is about Luke and his life without a father and the fact that he's sick and they can't do anything about it. This is the hostility of trying to be strong and just being so fed up because Finn feels helpless, like he can't do anything. It's a struggle to grasp onto control because this is so hard and he's just so angry.

"Do you have some White Knight Complex? What?"

Ben looks lost, Finn looks furious and Rey? That insatiable urge to cry is bubbling up from deep within again and there's nothing she can do about it.

Finn however doesn't give Ben any time to answer, he's back on him again his agitation flaring to the point of unstable, "Why are you here? Why?"

Ben's hand stills, it's a warm weight at her back that radiates through her sweater and scrub top like a small sun, "I was fucking worried ok?" it's not there, that wavering in his voice, that broken fear of loss. It's not. Only it is. It's subtle and barely noticeable unless you're looking for it but it's the truth.

A truth Finn does not see. "You were worried? You… worried." Finn scoffs and Rey has no time to stop him because he's bubbling over like a kettle left not he stove too long. Nearly five years too long to be exact. "You're fucking five years too late." Finn bites.

"And what do you know?" The tone in Ben's voice is harsh but settled. He's seething but not yelling, keeping his tone at an indoor level unlike Finn who's voice is now a little too loud. Who's mannerism are a little too erratic as he starts to weave about anxiously.

When Finn stops, Rey's honestly not sure what he's going to do. His hands are shaking before he points an agitated finger in Ben's face. "I know a fuck of a lot more then you do. You should leave before you fucking destroy everything... all over again."

No... No... He can't, he can't go there.

"Finn…" Rey can feel Ben's hand as it trembles at her low back as though he wants to respond but is trying very, very hard to control himself. Like he would love nothing more then to punch Finn square in the nose. Rey has seen Ben do worse.

"No," there's panic in his tone as he reels, "Rey, I can't, I won't…" His hands are in the air as he backs away, "Peanut I need to take a walk before I say something you hate me for."

"Finn…" she pleads again but he's backing away, digging his hands into his pockets, "And I'm calling Skywalker, he'll want to be here for his grandson."

"Finn!"

But, Finn is out the door and into the sunlight before Rey can do much else. Frustration, anger, confusion, fear and so many other emotions war within Rey's mind as she lets out a ragged cry of hostility. She's pulling at the IV's in her hand leaving the tubing to bleed clear liquid onto the floor. Ben is trying to say something, or he is saying something it's just his voice isn't quite loud enough to drown out the intense buzzing in her head and panic that swells up within her chest.

Suddenly she's hyperventilating, her breath coming in short ragged puffs of air as the world around her starts to spin and she has to grope the cot to hold herself steady. There are tears in her eyes, bubbling her vision but no sobs. Just ragged breaths and rivers of salty sadness. When Ben's hand leaves her back she's almost relieved to be rid of the pressure but a hand cups her face and its altogether too much. The sensation of his skin, soft against the heat or hers, warm. The tentative sweet way his thumb slides across her cheek wiping away the tears as if it's his job, his right to do so.

She's on him like an animal on its prey.

She can only imagine what she must look like, eyes wide and glittering with moisture. Tears that she's cried over and over and over again for a man who said such pretty things and then disappeared once he'd had his fill. She wanted to believe he wasn't like all the others. Those men she avoided with their notched bedposts and their need to dominate. "What. Are you. Doing?" Her mind rages as Ben's eyes widen and it seems all he can do is stare at her.

"I… "

"You what?" she cries, actual, real tears that he's trying to brush away again. As if he knows her as if he sees her.

He knows nothing.

"You never called."

Excuses!

"But. I. Did." She hates the way her voice shakes, the way he looks at her as though he wants to fix it. As if he can fix it. Anything he touches is only going to be further damned. He's that little extra salt in an open wound. The flaunting of something she'd wanted for so long but she knows she can't have when she's already so down. She can't focus on him or his hurt expression. His eyes so soft, so sweetly dark like gold buried in crystallized earth. He looks… confused, maybe even hurt.

Good.

Let him feel a fraction of what it was she felt. What she feels, because honestly has it ever really gone away?

They don't need him. She doesn't need him. Luke…

Luke.

Luke might need him. Her body trembles beneath the weight of that realization and he's on her like he cares. He's trying to hold her but she's pushing him away. Her hands scraping over the soft fabric of his sweater in a feeble attempt to put space between them. She's stronger than this, but she doesn't have the energy to really fight him. She can't meet his eye either. Why won't he just leave?

He'd done it before, Why now does he want to stick around?

"Ben I… I told you I can't do this, whatever you… whatever this…" she sighs, "It was one night, a long time ago. Yes, I will admit I thought it was something more then it was but…"

"It was…" he offers softly and that little fissure of fear that's spit open within her cracks open just a little further.

"Ben," she pleads, "Please," and her voice sounds more like she's whining then pleading, "We've grown up. You have Gwen and I have…" She has what? A child? Their child? "People who need me."

She can see Finn pacing outside the doors. He's on the phone, probably with Luke telling him everything. Telling him things he should be hearing come from her mouth not Finns. It takes more strength then she'd like to admit to pull away from Ben but she manages and to his credit, he doesn't follow after her. She's sitting at the end of the cot, her feet dangling off as if ready to take a plunge that is far more then the foot and a half off the ground it actually is.

"I was a random girl at a party who helped you forget a little, remember?"

"I don't remember a random girl," his voice almost sounds hollow as she finds her feet, using the cot to lean against for a moment before she straightens herself up, "I remember this fierce lonely girl... woman who made me feel like I could breathe again. Who reminded me what it was like to feel alive."

"You're glorifying a one night stand, Ben," and she says nothing else on the matter. She doesn't even look back at him, just pushes away, ignoring the huff from Jannah who was coming by to check on her or the pleas from Holdo to get back and rest a little. If they want her they know where they can find her. Upstairs with the only person in the world who matters right now.

Finn is coming back in, an eye cast in Ben's direction as he slips an arm around Rey's shoulder and leans in to kiss her on the forehead. He mumbles something about Luke catching the first convenient flight out here. Wicket and Dee are going to stay with Luke's friend Mara while he visits. Finn figures Luke can stay in Luke's room.

"No, give him my bed. I don't imagine I'll be home much," she says as they make their way to the elevators. Once again without ice-cream. "And if by some miracle I do end up home I'll sleep in Luke's bed. How did he handle it?"

"He's upset but you know Luke… apparently his sister lives in the area and her Husband has to have heart surgery so he figures it's high time for a visit."

Luke is coming… Luke will make everything better. Or he'll try in that loving way he always does.

It's three days before Luke can get a flight out. There's an issue with his first flight and then Dee gets into some trouble at school and ends up suspended. Rey almost tells him not to worry but they'll be starting chemo soon and Rey isn't sure how she's going to handle it. She wants her father here. She wants to hear him laugh and tell her everything is going to be alright in the end. Even if it's not true. Especially if it's not true.

She doesn't see Ben again, not that she expected too. She avoids him as best she can but goes to visit Han the night before Luke's arrival. It's late when she stumbles by. Luke is asleep and Poe has stopped in to stay for a bit. To give her a break. She half expects Han to be asleep when she pokes her head into his room but he's propped up on his bed reading a book. Leia is home, Han told her to get some sleep in her own bed for once and begrudgingly she listened.  
He's quiet, far more subdued then he is when he has a full audience. Inviting her to sit on the edge of his bed like he's known her forever. It's strange, this pull to a man, to a family she knows nothing about. By all rights she shouldn't have come but there's this burning need to know them. To know the family that… Ben comes from.

"How you doing, kid?" Han offers as he slides a pair of reading glasses off his nose. He's calm and understanding and almost reminds her of Luke in a way, Skywalker that is not the little boy asleep downstairs.

"Been better," she offers with a coy cock of her head. She doesn't meet his eye, she can't meet his eye that would be too much too telling. She's here to check on him, not for comfort but Han makes an agreeable noise and nods as though he gets it. "You'd do anything for them you know, and when you can't… you just feel so helpless…"

Han's eyes are soft and understanding as he reaches out and takes Rey's hand. It's oddly intimate making her skin bleed warmth, "You got a sick kid huh?" Like he knows.

He knows.

She just nods.

There's a silence that falls over the room, Han's radio in the corner crackles a little as it plays something by Bowie. She doesn't quite recognize the song but the voice is familiar. Luke use to listen to him a lot when she was younger. When Han finally speaks his voice is quiet, filled with a warm understanding that settles around her like a blanket or a hug, "Did you know Ben was a twin?"

"What?"

"I guess how would you, a hook up at a party isn't an invitation into a deep family history." There must be something to the look on Rey's face because Han chuckles, "Don't worry kid, I know you and Benny-boy boned. He never said anything, he never would but he doesn't form attachments easily and well… you're under his skin."

Whatever that means, it's hard to process that information when there are so many other things she wants to know, "Ben was a twin?"

"Yeah, they run in Leia's family. She has a twin brother, Luke." her heart bleeds warmth at the subtle reminder of the little boy who's about to embark on the fight of his life, "He lives in… Takodana I think, we don't see him much. They were separated at birth, they found each other when they were… god in their twenties. They aren't as close as they'd like but… anyway that doesn't matter." Warning bells are sounding in Rey's mind, little bits of information that are staking up like Tetris blocks coming down too quickly to organize. The information should be important, it's all important isn't it? In some way or another. A family history is something she lacks and here she is being offered it up piece by delicate piece even though she has no real right to it. She does though doesn't she? Maybe?

But not like this.

It's wrong, it's underhanded and sneaky and she can't stop. It's impossible to stop him once she's been gifted this small measure of information

But she doesn't want to hear about Luke and Leia, she wants to hear about Ben, about his twin… "Ben was the easier one of the two, he was quieter, slept better, didn't sass back. Kylo… he was full of something else. He had to know everything, see everything, do everything. He was Benny's rock. Ben would get these nightmares and he'd crawl into Kylo's bed. Sometimes it was like they didn't need us at all."

"Kylo was eight when he got sick, we didn't know what was wrong at first but after a few weeks, we got the cancer diagnosis. It's hard… like a kick in the gut with a steel-toed boot while someone pours scalding water into your veins. Don't suppose I need to tell you."

Rey simply shakes her head, focusing on a spot on Han's blanket by his toes. It looks like a small cigarette burn but likely came from the industrial washing machines they use to clean the sheets.

"What's your kid's diagnosis? Nothing so insidious I hope."

"Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia," Rey says with a deep sigh.

Han simply nods, "Kylo too, good recovery rate. They catch it early?"

"We think so, they're worried there's some neurological involvement, he keeps having seizures. Idiopathic swelling on the brainstem," she explains ruefully.

"No shit, Kylo too, turns out he had an issue with benign tumor growth, they weren't sure where it came from but it seemed to stop with the chemo and radiation There's a condition, I don't remember the name of but they thought it was possible he might have it. We never really got that far."

Having this conversation feels oddly backhanded in a way. As though she's lying to Han through omission. Part of her wants to tell him while the more rational part of her, or maybe the more practical part tells her it's not the time for quiet confessions, "He… he didn't survive?" She's not sure she wants to know the answer but she asks all the same.

"The cancer? Oh he kicked its ass, unfortunately, the chemo kicked Kylo's ass. He got pneumonia, that was bad but he survived it. There was a pulmonary embolism that weakened his lungs and his heart. He just sort of stayed sick after that. I honestly don't know what was worse, losing him or watching him waste away. It really messed Ben up. He didn't speak at all for almost a month, might have been more. To be honest I don't remember much. I …" With the sheepish way Han looks away she's pretty sure she knows where this is going, "I was drinking a lot. Leia and I actually separated for almost a year. Ben spiraled hard. They were so close, he and Kylo. Identical in nearly every way. Benny has a mole on his cheek that's a little more obvious, Kylo, he had one just over his left eyebrow. It's honestly the only way I could tell them apart." his chuckle is soft and sweet still mourning the loss of a child even nearly twenty years after the fact. "It never goes away… It just evolves into something different. Not alright but a little less empty because you have more memories of their life than their death.

"What's his name?"

It's with a fond smile Rey responds, "Luke," holding Han's gaze as if she can will the truth into his mind.

"Good name."

"After my father," She tells him, "He gave me everything and so much more in this life, it just made sense."

"You're lucky, kid. Your dad, he here?"

"No, he flies in tomorrow. There were some issues with my younger brothers. One got suspended so he wanted to deal with that before getting on a plane. I'm obviously the golden child."

Han barks a good-natured laugh, "I have no doubt."

Rey smiles softly, "I should get back, you need anything?"

"Naw kid, I'm good, you worry about yourself. You stop up again if you're feeling restless, it doesn't look like I'll be going anywhere for a while."

"You have surgery coming up soon though don't you? It won't be long after that before you're discharged."

The look on Han's face is curious and deeply pensive, as though he's resigned himself to a truth that no one else can see, "Kanata is good at her job but something's bothering her. My money's on a replacement."

"You have to be more optimistic than that," Rey says as she stands, stretching her arms up high over her head as she does, "You're young and healthy other than the heart thing."

"I am being optimistic! Transplants better than dead." he chuckles, "Seriously kid, I'll be fine. I have too many people left to bother yet." With a soft smile Rey reaches out and gives his hand a light squeeze before heading back towards the door. "Ben will be by tomorrow afternoon." Han says as she pauses to wave, "If you wanted to see him. I haven't seen him this wound up in years. Five to be exact." he says with a wink and Rey simply cannot unload that statement right now. She needs to get back to Luke, to crawl in bed with him and wrap her arms as tight around him as she can without waking him.

She's armed with more knowledge then she had an hour ago, a loose family history, an idea of a path. It's not much but it's something. A knowledge that it wasn't cancer that had killed Kylo but complications. Complications they could avoid or they knew how to avoid as best they can. Sometimes things happen but for now Rey chooses to focus on the positive and the unlikely friendship that she has forming between her and Han Solo.

Luke's arrival is almost bittersweet. Finn picks him up before he heads into the office. He's been working half days and trying to do spread himself between work and their family life as much as he can. Rey hasn't been home yet. The boys have managed to bring her a few changes of clothing and she's stolen a shower or two in the Doctor's lounge. Kanata all but forcing it on her. It feels good to be clean and more like a person. The hospital is spotless but there's a film of something stagnant that layers on your skin when you spend too much time there. Like you become one with the concept of illness.

They've explained to Luke all the can with the help of Doctor Andor and Doctor D'acy who will be taking over Luke's treatments when Cassian goes back. If he goes back it seems. There have been rumors that Aldera-Royal is trying to poach him from Bespin. Rumors only fuelled by Doctor Andor's persistent presence in the hallways. Rey likes him though so she isn't disappointed when he rounds on Luke with Doctor D'Acy. He's handsome too which helps she's sure when there are sick kids and panicked mothers who just need someone to hold their hand.

She's seen it, the way parents form attachments to their kid's physicians. So, when Cassian asks her to coffee sometime she's reluctant to say yes. In the end he's given her no reason to think his intentions breech anything remotely unprofessional so she agrees. Not now, not tomorrow but after Luke's chemo has started she'll let him spirit her away for a small break.

It's the middle of the afternoon when Skywalker pokes his head in. His eyes are lined with joy that' just bright enough it almost masks his worry. Finn is behind him dressed a fine pair of pressed slacks and a lovely pastel pink button-down. He doesn't stay long but promises he'll be back and he'll bring supper with him when he does.

"Grampa!" Luke's little legs can't get him out of bed fast enough. He's been granted pajama privileges, wearing his favorite fleecy button-downs that he says make him look like Poe. "Did you t'ome to see me?" he cries as he scrambles into Luke's arms like a bear cup climbing a tree.

Luke barely has time to set down his bags before he has the little boy wound in a bear hug, "I did kiddo," he cries happily, his voice scratching and lined with emotion. Rey takes her time but Luke is beckoning her closer, his grandson's arms wound tightly around his neck before he pulls her tight against him, kissing her temple as he does, "Hey," he mumbles, his hand rubbing the back of her head. The, 'how are you?' is implied as his brilliant blue eyes search her face.

Her hands in her back pockets she swallows her tears and nods stiffly, "Hey Dad," She's not entirely sure when she stopped calling Luke, Luke and shifted into calling him, Dad. It just sort of happened. Maybe after he had to pick her up from school because she'd gotten into a fight with a boy twice her size for calling her a worthless scavenger. Or maybe after he caught her trying to sneak out her window to run away. He'd brought her to the front door, given her fifty bucks and told her his door was always open. She'd made it a block before she came back. He had hot chocolate waiting for her and had just let her sit and cry for the rest of the night. He made it ok that her mother didn't want her. He made it ok that she'd been a scrappy little runt of a kid who bit and hit and screamed when she was angry. He made her insecurities safe and her heart feel loved with no judgment or ill words. He just let her exist within a safe environment and nurtured the good that he had known dwelled within her all along.

"Grampa, did momma tell you I'm sick?" Luke's little voice is so matter of fact that it makes Rey's chest flutter and her throat burn. She has to turn away, her hand covering her mouth to avoid responding too violently but as always, Skywalker has her back.

"She did buddy," he doesn't put the little boy down though, he only cradles him in his arms, a hand resting on the back of Luke's dark head, "But it'll be ok, I'm here, mommy's here, Finn and Poe, they're here too. We got you, don't worry."

With a shaky hand, Rey rubs a line across Luke's shoulders encouraging him out of his grandfather's arms and back into her own, "Let's let Grampa take his jacket off ok, then maybe you can show him the trains"

The little boy nods as he nuzzles his nose against Rey's shoulder. He didn't sleep well the night before. After she'd gotten back from visiting Han she'd spent the rest of the evening traipsing the hallways, Luke in her arms as she bounced him and rocked him like she had when he was a baby. He's cried a little, fell asleep and was up within hours ready to restart the process all over again. Rey didn't mind though, she' never begrudge him the love and comfort he so desperately needed. She ignored the gnawing void it clawed into her own soul to fill him up so completely leaving no room for her own deep level of terror and need.

"Oh, I like trains…" She hears Luke say as he drops his coat onto the back of a chair. There's a rustle fabric and Luke is at her side pulling the little boy out of her arms. He clings to her, his little fingers grasping at her shoulders like she's the only thing tethering him to this world. His little face roots against her neck, his chin at her shoulder as his grasp remains unrelenting. "Buddy, let's give mommy a break for a minute. She looks tired."

As though spurred on by the mention of his mother's exhaustion, Luke pulls away, his hands grasping Rey's cheeks. His dark eyes boring into her own, "You otay mommy?"

Rey nods and presses her nose against his before kissing him on the cheek. She doesn't mind, not really. She'd never mind this, holding him so close she can feel the faint flutter of his heartbeat. She knows he'll survive, she can't allow any other thought to worm its way into her mind. She will be strong, she will be sure but in the back of her mind she knows she's squirreling away these moments. These 'just in case' times for when she needs them. For when the darkness that's roiling beneath the surface of her smile becomes too much for even her to handle. She's collecting memories and touches and sounds and smells like a hoarder because one day she might not have this. Even if… when he survives, one day he won't be little anymore. One day he won't need her but she, she will always need him.

This chapter guys... this chapter hit me a little harder than the others. I hadn't intended to have Han and Rey interact like this at first but then it sort of felt... right. I'm really happy with the way it came together. It took pieces from future ideas I'd had and melded them into something much more coherent. Not to sit and gush about my own work hahaha sorry! Let me know what you think, I'd really really like to hear your opinions on this chapter. Hope everyone is being safe out there! xoxo


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up friends, there's a lot of back and forth about pregnancy and termination and choices in this chapter. I'm making this known in case these are triggers for anyone. You've all been amazing with your comments and thoughts thus far so I'm sure it won't be an issue but I want to say full stop. This is not an invitation to start a pro-life or pro-choice battle of any kind. I've been thinking about this chapter for a while now and it's always been an important one. I wanted to make sure I got it right and after some tweaking and much re reading I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

5 Years Ago

Rey has missed class a total of three times all year. Once she had Strep throat which actually counted for two of the missed days and the second time Finn had convinced her to go to a midnight release of the new Avengers film. That's three times with three very good excuses so when she wakes up feeling like death and decides she's not going to go to class, she knows there's something wrong.

Her body just feels… off. Not bad necessarily but, yeah ok bad.

She's tired and groggy and cranky. Sweet Jesus is she cranky. She can hear Rose getting ready down the hallway singing along to T. Swift who Rey doesn't hate but doesn't exactly love either. And, all she wants to do is yell at Rose to shut. The Fuck. Up. It would be rude though and Rose is generally a really happy person and Rey loves Rose so she rides it out. It won't be long before the house is thrust back into peace and quiet and Rey can sleep off this… whatever this is.

Only she doesn't. Sleep that is.

Well she does, fits of it here and there punctuated by an intense need to vomit that never comes to fruition. Her body hates her, that's the only reason she can find for this utter mutiny that's happening right now. She wants food, toast maybe, crackers. Something easy on the stomach but each time she thinks about standing her body does this funny thing. It's hilarious really. It makes the room spin! Awesome right?

No, decidedly not awesome. Neither is the nausea, or the headache or the body ache for that matter. Why the hell do her boobs hurt so much anyway? What kind of symptom is… that…

Why do her boobs hurt?

Bolting upright is decidedly a very very bad idea but it's the only thing that's gotten her out of bed in the last ohhhh twelve hours so bolting upright works. Her feet hit the hardwood and her body rejects the idea of being vertical. It screams in protest as she makes her way to the bathroom on fawn-like legs. The light is bright and horrible and when was the last time she'd had her period again?

She bled last month she knows she did. It wasn't a lot, not as much as her usual complete bodily evacuation of at least a quart of blood that she normally experiences but it was there. She'd gotten Finn to pick her up tampons. Checking the drawer next to the toilet, the one they reserve for things like ladies' items and condoms because that's a thing now apparently. Rey notices her pack of tampons, the one she usually blows through easily is still mostly full.

Well… Ok.

That doesn't necessarily mean anything. Just that her period was light and her boobs hurt so maybe she's ovulating now? Giving the offending mass is tissue an experimental poke Rey quickly finds the action to be ill-advised. They're tender and achy like a muscle after it's been worked out and they haven't been worked out since… since…

Ben.

Goddammit she'd managed almost thirteen hours without thinking about him. Granted she was asleep for the majority but that's the longest she's gone since she woke up to an empty bed two, was it two? Yes two and a half months ago.

It hadn't been a big deal at first. She'd texted the number he left her, no big deal. She thought she was being casual, playing it cool. She'd given it a while almost forty-eight hours before reaching out. Careful to avoid coming across as clingy or crazy or obsessed. After everything, he'd told her about his ex she was a little worried about saying hello at first. Writing him to tell him she had a really good time had seemed lame too. What kind of text does one send after having the most amazing sex of their life? All night… and into the next morning.

Finn almost didn't believe that it had happened. Ben couldn't be real, no man has the fortitude to get a girl off more than five times in one night. But he'd left a note and there was a phone number attached to it. A number Finn didn't recognize in handwriting that far too neat to be made up.

But there was nothing, no response, no call, nothing. It was as if it never happened. Only it obviously did happen. She had the marks on her body to prove it. He'd been careful thankfully but Rey's torso and thighs were a map to all the places Ben had visited, the noticeable depth in color a sign of how long he stayed there. She didn't show Finn all of them but it was very apparent that Rey was incapable of sucking on her own upper thigh.

With a groan Rey relives her bladder quickly and then stumbles back into her bedroom to curl up under her duvet which only recently stopped smelling like him. Her mind reels and spins as she massages at the tender flesh of her side boob. Not the correct terminology but it's a general approximation for the area in which Rey has now found herself rubbing soft circles.

She knows she's been diligent with her birth control, that's never been a question. She's the most responsible person in the world about it. Her friends make fun of her for it for christ's sake. Ironic that she never gets laid and yet obsesses over… yada yada yada.

Still the pill is not one hundred percent effective and they did fuck a lot. By the time they were done Rey was shocked that Ben had anything left to give in terms of fluids. His retention was… low. Hers however apparently had been quite high, saturated even. Was it possible that her birth control just sort of said fuck it after the last load had been delivered directly against her cervix? He wasn't exactly small either so it would have been a little like an angry mushroom banging on a squishy door intent on delivering his warm salty treats to all those that wanted a taste.

Well now that's a thought.

She kind of feels like she's losing it.

Having sore boobs doesn't mean your pregnant though. She could google early symptoms of pregnancy but the idea is mildly insulting. She's studying to be a nurse for god sake and she's female. It's one of those things by a certain age she should really know.

Grabbing her phone she pulls up google all the same.

Top symptoms, sore or tender breasts, uuuh yup.

The list goes on: Fatigue, yep. Nausea, double yep. Heartburn, that's a big yep, that's been a persistent bitch for over a week now. Frequent urination… any more than usual? If she's being honest that's probably a yep too. Difficulty sleeping? as of today, yes. The only thing she doesn't have is.

Then it hits her, it's fast and urgent and dear god… Bolting to the bathroom her feet skid out from underneath her as she just barely makes it in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Luckily there's not much to be had as the idea of food has been incredibly off-putting as of late but Morning sickness has just made it to her list.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck… well that's technically how this happened.

After a few more rounds of ab crunching, vomiting Rey wanders slowly back to the kitchen to grab herself a glass of water and a handful of tums. Her body is hot, prickly with sweat and aching all over and now all she wants to do is cry.

She's alone and she's scared and she quite frankly isn't sure what she's supposed to do. It's entirely possible that she may be just coming down with the flu. There's only one real way to be certain but the idea of leaving the house looking like the swamp monster is entirely unappealing. She's also not sure she trusts herself on the two-block walk it'll take to get there. She could call Rose, this is the type of thing girls do for one another right? Pick up pregnancy tests and cry about their problems.

Thing is, Rose wouldn't know how to make her feel better. She'd be nice and sweet and hold her while she cried but what she really needed was someone who could talk her through all this rationally.

Settling back into bed she fires Finn a quick text message.

R: Hey, Did you go to class today or are you playing hooky at Poes?

A few minutes go by with no response and Rey starts to panic. She's very much not a panic over nothing type of person. When she'd fallen out of Luke's second-story window and broken her arm. It was an accident. She screamed a little and then calmly walked through the front door and asked if he could take her to the hospital. That had brought child services down on Luke pretty fast and while he wasn't mad he did have to sit down and explain to Rey that it was ok to make a big deal of things sometimes.

After another few minutes sheer terror starts to ramp up. Her hands shake and for the first time in a very long time Rey starts to cry. It's uncertain if its the hormones or the panic or the uncertainty of it all but she cries and she cries hard.

That's when she makes the snap decision to do something she's been telling herself she wouldn't do. She calls the number Ben left her. It's logged into her phone as Ben with a question mark and she doesn't even hesitate to hit dial.

Her hands tremble as she holds the phone next to her ear and listens as the phone rings and rings and rings. When the other end finally clicks, Rey's heart feels like it's going to explode in her chest. Instead of the lovely deep baritone she so desperately wants to hear though, it's a woman telling her that the voicemail for the person you are trying to reach is full and encouraging her to try back another time.

Fuck.

Should she text him? Would it be desperate?

What guy in their right might would be pumped to receive the text, 'Hey remember me? We fucked a few months ago. Well, you were the best I ever had but it turns out you left something behind… inside me… surprise!'

No, that wouldn't be a good text to send. Instead she crafts a carefully worded.

R: Hey, it's Rey from the Hanna House party. Please give me a text or a call when you can

There, easy, done. No need to keep crying. Why then was she still crying?

F: Hey Peanut, late class today, Poe's taking me there now. Whats up?

F: Are you texting in class? you rebel!

R: I need a favor, big one

F: Sure, anything.

Rey takes a deep breath, she isn't sure how exactly she should ask or what she should ask. Does she ask or does she just come out and say she thinks she's pregnant?

R: I need you to get me a pregnancy test, like now

It takes about point five seconds before Rey's phone starts ringing. God bless Finn and his need to get straight to the heart of the matter.

When she answers she hopes her voice isn't shaking when deep down she knows it is. She can feel the drag of disuse clawing at her vocal cords as she clears her throat to offer a soft, "Hey Finn."

"Don't you Hey Finn me, are you serious because this is not something we joke about?" In the background Rey can hear Poe telling Finn the calm down. His voice is distant and it sounds like they're in Poe's car. Poe's because Finn doesn't own one.

"I wish I was kidding. Can you please just come home. Please." There's a quaver there, an edge that's chipping off ready to snap but Rey is desperately trying to hold it together.

"Ok, ok. Yeah. Gay man buying a pregnancy test. No big deal."

"No one's going to know you're gay Finn." Rey snaps.

"Right, yes. Right." After a heartbeat, maybe two Finn finally asks, "You ok?"

"Not in the slightest." It would do no good to lie at this point.

"Any idea who might… who.. who's it is." Rey doesn't say anything, of course, she knows who's it is and if Finn would think for a second, "Ben…" the name comes out in a rush as if it suddenly just dawned on him, "Oh Peanut, it's Ben's isn't it."

Rey doesn't trust herself to speak. Her palms are sweaty and the phone keeps slipping out of her grasp. Her eyes are hot and sticky and feel like someone's poking small cocktail forks into them. She doesn't want to say yes, she can't say yes but yes is the only answer there is because Ben has been the only person she's slept with in almost a year. Maybe even more.

"Oh honey, honey. Ok. I'll get you your pee stick and we'll grab you a few things. You need anything?"

No words follow, just the sound of Rey snuffing back her tears. Finn lets her, he lets her cry soft and sad and he listens as though he has nothing better to do in the world. When Rey finally has a grasp on life, albeit a tenuous one she says, "Just you," in a voice that is far too small to be ok.

Sometime between hanging up the phone and Finn walking through the door Rey falls asleep again. Her mind a blank slate for forty-five blissfully minutes before the sound of cabinet doors stirs her from her slumber. That deep ache is still there, as well as the sticky, hot mess around her eyes. Her belly grumbles desperate for food but the thought of eating anything still leaves her feeling gross and pukey.

Finn and Poe, she can hear them now as her eyes adjust to the lighting in her room. There on her nightstand is a small box decorated in pink and blue. Finn must have slipped it inside while she was sleeping not wanting to disturb her. Their voices are hushed and sweet. Poe is asking where he can find their cutting board while Finn asks him what veggies need to be left out. When Rey finally pokes her head out her bedroom door, box of pregnancy tests (there are two in the pack) clutched to her chest her friends still immediately. Poe looks like Poe always does. Handsome smile, kind eyes and a sassy mouth.

"If you want me to leave babe, you just let me know," he tells her as he goes back to chopping veggies.

Finn on the other hand is on her in an instant. His hands on her shoulders, rubbing her arms, trying to get her to look him in the eye. They grew up together the way siblings do. Only instead of fighting and not appreciating one another Finn and Rey became close. They were both kids of the system, kids who got bumped around a lot and had a hard time fitting in. They were both runners too which made finding a suitable permanent situation more difficult. But, Luke found them, he gave them a home and a family and hope. He gave them each other and Rose and all the other kids who came and went. Truthfully they had plenty of foster brothers and sisters but Finn was the only one who Rey considered forever hers.

"Hey baby girl," Finn says before pulling Rey into a hug. They're the same height, have been since they were sixteen. Finn's hugs have always been the best, second maybe only to Luke. They hold each other for what feels like forever, Rey's chin on Finn's shoulder while Finn's rests on Rey's. His hands are rubbing her back before he pulls away and they find her face. His palms feel warm and a little clammy as he catches her eye and says with the most sincere clarity, "Everything will be ok." And for the first time in twenty-four hours Rey believes it.

Turns out peeing on a stick is a lot more complicated than just peeing on a stick. According to the directions she's supposed to wait until her first pee of the day and catch the urine midstream. She is not waiting until tomorrow. She can't. She won't. At this point just peeing on it feels more like a formality but she's doing it all the same. Poe and Finn try and coax her out of the bathroom telling her it will do her no good to sit and wait. Turns out these things are rather quick because in no time there it is. That little plus sign that has signed her fate screaming congratulations you have just won one fertilized egg!

"Birth control is not one hundred percent effective." she hears Poe whisper from the other side of the door. Finn must have said something about her being on the pill. There's a question about condoms and part of her is terrified they're going to ask her to her face but at this point it seems moot.

They're on her the minute she opens the door, two mother hens waiting to see the status of her egg. She doesn't have it in her to say, so she simply holds the stick in the air for both of them to see. Not entirely sure what happens next Rey pushes passed her friends and finds herself sitting on their living room couch. She feels the cushion dip as Finn takes a place at her side while Poe returns to his task of making… whatever it is he's making. It smells good at any rate.

Finn's eyes rest on her, giving her a moment to let all of this sink in. So she's pregnant. That's a thing that happened. Is happening. She should be a little happy right? Women all over the world struggle with fertility issues every day and here she's been gifted a baby. She should be happy. Why isn't she happy?

"You're allowed to not be ok" Finn says evenly, his hand on her knee as she closes her eyes and tries to disappear into herself, "You're allowed to be scared and angry. You can be happy too if you want. You have lots of options. There are… lots of options, Peanut."

Options. Like dropping out of university with one year left until she graduates with her nursing degree? Options like going through with the pregnancy and then giving the baby up for adoption because she's just not ready? Options. Her throat constricts. Like terminating the pregnancy before she gets too far in and that is no longer a viable option anymore?

It feels like such a man thing to say. You have options. As though there is no emotional attachment or fall out to anything she might choose. She knows that isn't what Finn means. She knows that isn't even how it sounds but right now it's easier to be angry at the one with the penis and complete lack of a uterus because he will never have to worry about this.

Her mind tumbles through her list of options. She'd volunteered at a women's clinic for the past few summers, she knows the speech pretty well at this point. She knows the stigma and the rights and the 'it's your body' mindset. She'd always thought she knew exactly what she would do when faced with a situation like this. It was easy. Terminate early so she doesn't form attachments and then drink until she can't feel anymore.

She could never give a kid up. That wasn't even remotely an option. While one might argue Luke gave her a good home. He showed her the good that can come of being placed with the right people. There was a world of people before Luke that proved the total opposite to be glaringly true. Sure the people who adopt babies bring them into their homes intending to make them there own. What happens if that isn't the case? Do they get sent back? Sorry, this baby isn't for us, do you have another we could try? One with bluer eyes that doesn't cry quite as much?

There's a small part of her that thinks giving a baby to a family who wants nothing more than to be parents would be a beautiful thing. A small part. There's a big part of her that remembers the foster homes where the older kids beat the shit out of you for looking the wrong way. Or the homes that she learned to stay away from Uncle Joe because he gets a little handsy when he's feeling happy. Or the families where they forgot to feed her for three days and the school had to call child protective services again. There's too much damage, too much water under that particular bridge. Being left with a group of strangers at the age of four it turns out can mess you up pretty bad. Being used as an ashtray or pit against other kids for supper. Well. That makes you tough and gives you an interesting set of coping mechanisms

Is termination any better though? Instead of tossing a helpless infant into a group of rabid strangers, is it better to simply not allow the life a chance to exist at all?

It's been a thought she's struggled with morally for a long time. Rey as a woman, as a person has always been pro-choice. A woman should have a right to do with her body what she feels is the safest and healthiest choice for her; physically, mentally and emotionally. No one can know what that thing is but the person experiencing it. What if her mother had decided to terminate instead of leaving her with those firefighters? Rey wouldn't exist. Her life may have been hard but it was hers and no one else's. She was given the blessing of free will and an opportunity to make mistakes. To find love, to know love. To struggle and to survive all because the woman who abandoned her had made the choice that her life was worth something. Or so Rey likes to think.

Does the quality of life overthrow the right to light itself?

"What are you thinking there Peanut?" Finn's voice is like honey over snow pulling at her emotions as he tries to give her space.

"I - I don't know," she wishes she didn't sound so defeated but this time it feels like the powers at be may have won. Like they're been lobbing pitch after pitch in her direction and while she's missed a few she's gotten her fair share of home runs too. Now though it feels like they caught her walking to home.

"Finn sweetheart, let her be for a minute." Poe chides from his position cutting onions. Rey knows it's onions because the smell has crawled inside her nose and is currently living there. As though she's eaten a whole onion raw and is using its scraps to rub against her skin like perfume.

Finn just scowls in Poe's direction. He doesn't like being told what to do, particularly when he knows that person is right. "Want me to call him?" he finally asks after a moment of silence. Rey doesn't need to ask which him Finn is referring to. She knows. And Finn knows it's the one thing that might ease the anguish of a very short moment. To hear from him to hear his voice. To know she's not alone and left to a decision, a life choice as large and heavy as this one.

"I already did," she tells him in a voice that's soft and even. She's trying to keep herself in check. She's trying to act sane and rational when all she wants to do is scream and cry and throw up. Maybe not in that order but absolutely those three things.

When Finn hugs her she feels her world slide a little off its axis. She doesn't want to be touched, her body feels sticky and heavy and gross. When Finn pulls her close however she finds being held is all she's ever wanted. She can feel Finn moving, he's doing something with his hand but it doesn't much matter. He smells like cloves and cinnamon, like baked pumpkin bread and sweet vanilla. He smells like home, her home. Like comfort and love and a promise that she'll never be alone again. The couch dips beneath the weight of another as Poe settles in at her back. She likes Poe, though she didn't always. At one point she'd thought him arrogant and egotistical and rude. Then she got to know him.

Poe is funny, and sweet and sure he's cocky in a way that seems unwarranted but in the end its a part of his charm. He's doesn't actually think he's better but he holds himself to a higher standard of existence. He sees people at their best and encourages and nurtures that in them. When Rey came to understand that it was hard not to love him, just a little. Or well, a whole lot.

That's why she doesn't mind it when he wraps his arms around her and sinks into their little cuddle puddle with whispered promises that it'll be ok. They sit there for what could be hours, or maybe simply seconds, wrapped around one another. Poe is rubbing her back in slow soft circles as he kisses Finn's hand. Finn has pulled her so her head is now against his chest, his shirt damp beneath her cheek. If he cares he doesn't say, he simply shushes her broken heart and strokes her hair pressing kisses to her temple every now and again.

"I'm going to get back to making the soup." Poe whispers softly, his fingers pulling through her hair as he leans in to press a kiss on the back of her head, "You need something easy on the stomach. It's my Abula's recipe. It's magic I promise."

All Rey can manage is a stiff nod as she nuzzles further into Finn's chest. He speaks softly as he tells her it'll be ok, she'll be ok. She's strong, she's amazing and more importantly, they have her back.

It's not that she never wanted kids. She did in fact, she does. There has always been a deep need to love and be loved that Rey has never been able to shake. As a kid who was abandoned at a young age Rey has always found herself filled with a deep-seated need to prove that she can be better and will be better than the women who left her behind. This however is not how she imaged it going down. Alone, raising a child without a father or a partner. She always thought she'd meet someone, get swept off her feet and they would love her, really love her. It wouldn't be a right away thing the having a baby. They'd live together maybe get a cat or a house plant first. When she found out she'd tell him in a special way like those girls on youtube. A surprise that he would be more than happy to receive. Not this. Never did she imagine this. Then again, who does?

The need to be a mother slowly begins to swallow her, pulling her under a tide of images. Adorable baby toes, a face full of freckles and dark hair like hers. A nose that's sharp but soft. A girl, or a boy, would it really matter along as they're healthy and happy and safe? But she'd definitely have a girl. A little girl who looks just like her, with her laugh and his smile or the soft almond shape of his eyes. Would it matter if the baby looked like him? A constant reminder of his one role in her life?

She feels it already this attachment to something barely formed. An idea of life that's barely more than a heartbeat at this moment. Still it's there, that flickering of life that warms her belly. She could be a mom, she's going to be a mom.

Suddenly nothing else matters. Not school or Ben and his stupid not answering her. Not even her own self-pity. There's life there, buried within her barely taking form but so real and so present that the mere idea of it is enough to take her breath away. '

Finn's talking she realizes, it sounds like he has been for a while now. Soft promises and declarations that she fears he may not understand the gravity of. "I'll be here Peanut, if that's what you want. I'll hold your hand, I'll help you raise it. Er, Him or her. Who needs a dad when you have the coolest uncle ever?"

"Finn… stop." Poe says calmly.

"Or if you need I'll take you to the clinic myself and I'll hold your hand through that too. Whatever you need." the sudden thought of it, Of the hospital walls and the doctors calming tone telling her that she's ok and that she's not alone is too much. The idea of not feeling that little baby move, or watching her belly grow is like drowning at sea in total darkness. Finn is saying something about not having to make her mind up right away. But her mind, she thinks, has already been made up. It's a piece of her, a piece of him and if she can't have all of him then at least she'll have that. A memory of a moment that was special, that changed her life in so many ways. She could figure out school, she could defer her last year. The baby shouldn't be due until July or August so she has time to finish her third year at least. She can figure the rest out as she goes.

"I…" she starts, pulling away a little while Finn pulls her back, "I'm going to have a baby," she says into his chest instead.

He doesn't say anything right away, he's still and quiet as though allowing those words to really settle in his mind. As though allowing the weight of them to fill him up. "Yeah Peanut, I guess you are." There's a smile there, she can hear it in his voice as he nuzzles his nose against the side of her head, "And I'll be here, I'll help you raise him or her"

"Or them," Poe chirps playfully. There's the clink of metal hitting metal as Poe settles a top on the pot he's been stirring on the stove. "I hope you know no one is shutting me out of this. You're stuck with me, I'm a member of this family now too."

"Are you now?" Finn jabs and Rey can't help but chuckle into his chest. She sniffs to clear her sinuses as she pulls back to look up at the handsome Mr. Dameron. Poe does a good job looking thoroughly affronted by the idea he might in fact not be a part of this little dynamic but they all know he's not going anywhere.

"The way I see it," Poe says as he comes to sit on the back of the couch hovering over Finn and Rey. "Finn and I would likely have asked you to surrogate for us at some point anyway." He's chewing casually on a carrot stick while Finn seems to find this to be a relatively new revelation.

"Would we now?"

"Oh stop it. You know this is for keeps with me, You're it, I'm done and we both want kids. It was a logical jump."

"What if Rey said no?" Finn asks, fighting for the honor of her womb. She can't say it's necessary. They both know she would have done it in a heartbeat but Finn is merely struggling for control. "You don't get to lay claim to my friend's uterus."

"She's my friend too," Poe pouts, "besides, it doesn't matter. She's having a baby and we can help raise it." Suddenly Poe looks very sheepish as though he's just now realized he's been incredibly presumptuous. "I mean… if you want us to. It's your baby. It's just…"

Rey reaches out taking her friend's hand before he topples down his ever-growing hole and into wonderland. His eyes soften as they meet hers and she nods, "I want that," she tells him and she's sincere in saying it too. She wants nothing more then to have them help raise her child, "I don't know if you guys really get what you're asking though." She'd never hold it against them, wanting a life separate from an infant. A life of sleeping in and lounging around their home naked if they wished. A life without the wailing of a baby, or sleepless nights or worrying about whether or not they should formula feed or use cloth diapers. They didn't knock her up, it's not their responsibility...

Still, with the way Poe is looking at her she can't help but feel he might actually mean it. "All in Peanut," he says with a brilliance that only Poe Dameron can exude.

"This isn't some foray into polyamory…is it?" she says with a slight skepticism. "I mean, if you want a third you should ask Rose…"

Finn stiffens, peering down at Rey cautiously as she laughs and wipes her cheeks dry, "Even if I were into women, I could never… would never…"

"I know," she giggles.

"I mean, I'd be down," comes Poe's fly by the seat of his pants response. When they both turn to look at him he has his hands in the air in defense of his position, "What? if we were you know, not us."

"What does that even mean?" Clearly this is a side of his partner Finn has never seen before. Rey isn't sure if Finn is upset or just thinks Poe is being an idiot. Both are very likely options at this point in the game. Poe however does nothing more than laugh.

"I mean, we don't fit that way, our dynamic. You and Rey are total sister wives material and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find Rey attractive."

"Digging a hole here Poe." Rey groans.

"All I'm saying is if I had to pick two people to spend the rest of my life with, it would be the two of you. That's all. Nothing weird." Poe takes another bite of his carrot stick and waggles his eyebrows at Finn. He's teasing, or maybe he is serious it's hard to tell but there is a truth to what he's saying. They've never invited her into their relationship but they've never made her feel like a third wheel either. It's strange, how functional it all works and now it seems baby makes four.

There's a moment of silence that passes by like a heartbeat. It's smooth and easy and almost comfortable now. She's not going to fight it, she's just going to lean into it. She's going to make this work because that is what this baby deserves. That and so, so much more.

"Well… this is happening," Finn says softly.

The only thing Rey can think to say in response is, "Yep."

A minute maybe two and the house is beginning to smell like chicken stew making Rey's belly grumble in protest.

"So… When do you tell Luke?"

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure friends. Updates will be a little slower. Long and short I ended up being put on medication for a cough and it's killing me slowly. It's drowning my brain in super fog so I'm a little more sluggish with my writing then I'd like. I'm a-ok, just a little more stunned than usual (which is pretty stunned)  
> You're comments and thoughts have been like crack for my muse so thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. <3 <3 <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chemo it turns out is harder on Rey then it is on Luke in the beginning. After a week of routine steroids, meant to help kill some of the leukemia cells and give Doctor Andor and Doctor D'acy time to plan out proper treatment it's off to the races...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally a behemoth soooo I cut it in half and instead of a monster of a chapter you'll be getting two smaller chapters closer together. I just finished editing this one and I'll be moving onto the next one soon so expect it in the next few hours <3

Chemo it turns out is harder on Rey then it is on Luke in the beginning. After a week of routine steroids, meant to help kill some of the leukemia cells and give Doctor Andor and Doctor D'acy time to plan out proper treatment it's off to the races.

Watching her little boy as the nurses truss him up with an IV and blankets and a bag of putrid looking yellow poison meant to kill everything in his body is heartwrenching. He takes it like a trooper, all the same, chatting animatedly with the others who share the small room filled with chairs and monitors and sick. They're all in various stages of the disease, some look pale, some are in caps covering their hair loss, some look no different than anyone else. It's strange to think they're all in the same boat, just different variations of something so dark and scary.

Luke befriends a little boy named Spencer who's nearing the end of his first course of chemo. His cancer is a little different his mother explains to Luke who isn't entirely sure he understands to the full extent what this cancer thing really is. Spencer's cancer is in his brain and he has a really cool looking scar on the back of his head which he's all too happy to show Luke. Spencer is about two years older but he thinks Luke's a cool kid so they can be cancer friends. They talk about Minecraft which Luke knows very little about and how Spencer's mom agreed to let him get a dog. The hospital has therapy dogs that come in sometimes and it's awesome according to Spencer. It isn't long before Luke is asking for one too.

Spencer's mom, Jessika is kind but worn so very thin. She and Rey chat some while the boys giggle and share stories about what their home like is life. Their interests and every possible favorite they can think to share. Spencer's favorite color is orange because it's bright and happy and he has an orange cat named George whom he loves. Luke's is purple but that's mostly because that's Rey's favorite color.

After exchanging numbers and a lot more animated conversation Spencer's chemo finishes up leaving Rey and Luke alone in a room filled with middle-aged humans all engrossed in their own books or quietly napping.

"Will I woose my hair wike Spencer, Mommy?" Luke's little voice calls over the settled quiet. The question brings her back into herself, focusing her mind which is steadily starting to spiral. He's concerned she realizes quickly. She can tell by the way he subconsciously pulls at the little tails of his sideburns that have grown down over his cheeks effectively blocking ears that Rey hopes one day he will grow into. Likely not if his father's appearance is any indicator but she doesn't let herself go down that path.

Instead she offers him a soft smile and a, "I'm not sure buddy, I'll ask Doctor Andor what he thinks, how's that?"

Luke only nods once, a look of concentration on his face. He's worried about losing his hair. Kids his age shouldn't have to worry about losing their hair it's not fair that Luke needs to shoulder that concern. It seems silly really, to focus on something so trivial but part of Rey wonders if he's able to understand anything beyond that. That one simple thought that he may go bald. Go bald and have his ears exposed and then the realization hits her like a ton of bricks. Luke's not concerned about being bald so much as he's concerned about the way his ears stick out. He's four, almost five sure but he's still too young to be worried about that. His ears have been a bit of a sore spot for the past year or so. Ever since one of the boys in his preschool class had brought attention to the way they stick out. Luke, carefree, kind and funny little Luke was worried about losing his hair and having his ears exposed. It's heartbreaking and cruel because no kid should have to worry about something like that.

It's a part of him, an integral part of his makeup and something she loves fiercely about his appearance. Luke on the other hand and all the other kids his age see them more as a target making Luke the center of some rather unpleasant attention. It's just kids being kids but that makes it no less upsetting.

It's the first thing she asks Doctor Andor when he comes by to check on Luke's progress. It seems a vain concern in the grand scheme of things. The loss of hair so insignificant to the loss of life but Luke is concerned and so Rey is concerned. That's how all of this works.

Cassian is kind enough to explain that there is a strong likelihood that Luke will in fact experience hair loss but it's normal. He plays it off as though it's a superpower of sorts like it makes Luke powerful or strong following it up with, "Plus you can start collecting really cool hats, do you have any favorites?"

Luke likes Cassian, he's drawn to his warmth like a moth to a flame. He listens carefully when Doctor Andor explains things to him and nods emphatically when the Doctor asks if Luke can do something for him. It's usually something banal like making sure he drinks all his milk or making sure he finishes his lunch and yes that does mean his crust too. Which Luke does and does happily because Doctor Andor told him too.

A few hours after they're settled back into Luke's room. Skywalker, Poe, and Finn are all waiting patiently. Poe looks tired having just come off a backshift, still dressed in his dark cargo-style pants and a dark button-down. He's pulled on a hoodie but his hair looks disheveled and he's having a hard time suppressing a yawn. She'd told them of course that they didn't need to be here. They could stay home and she'd call them and let them know how it went. Finn blatantly ignored her while Poe told her to stop being stupid. Luke on the other hand just smiled at her and told her he'd see her when they were through. He stuck close by but gave her the space she needed until she didn't need it anymore. He knew her so well it was eery. The way he'd disappear from time to time and return with baked goods from Beaumont's coffee cart down outside the easter hall. Or just happened to find a book that Rey had been talking about picking up sometime down the road. Skywalker was everything a parent should be even now after Rey had aged out of his care.

"Cassian says I'm gonna wose my 'air." Luke says to Poe who's ruffling the little boy's dark tresses as he climbs into his bed. Poe makes a face, a cross between disappointment and pity, his lips curled but pressed together as he pretends to mope.

"That's a bummer buddy, looks like Grampa is going to have to shave his head like he promised." Poe gives Skywalker a side-eye as though challenging him to argue.

Luke merely nods, "Promise is a promise," he says and it's all she could ever want or need at that moment. Family surrounding them in this difficult time as they step into an unknown that Rey truthfully isn't sure she's ready for.

"We'll get you some really cool hats buddy, it'll be ok," Finn tells Luke with a soft smile, "I think we have some of Poe's old beanies kicking around the house, I'll bring them by tomorrow."

Luke nods happily as Rey settles in next to him stretching her legs out on the bed as she does. Her back is pressed awkwardly against the headboard of the bed so that Luke can curl into her which he does almost greedily. He clings to her as he chats, telling his uncles and his grandfather about Spencer and how Spencer's mom Jessika is getting him a dog. An idea he runs passed Poe and Finn before turning his attention back on his mother with big doe eyes. It's not that she's against the idea, Rey loves animals but she doesn't have time to focus on a puppy and a sick kid so she promises they'll discuss it later.

After an hour or two Luke's speech becomes less enthusiastic and his color drops drastically. Poe and Finn duck out to hunt down some food and coffee for the adults while Skywalker and Rey stay behind and keep the little boy company. He has his arms wound around his mother's waist, his head resting against her hip when he starts to whine about not feeling good. Luke isn't a kid who complains much. If he has something to say it's usually calmly and with limited drama. He's prone to exaggeration as many children his age are but he's never been known to embellish when feeling under the weather. Luke, makes Poe's reaction to getting a cold look childish in comparison so when Luke whimpers and tells them he doesn't feel well Rey knows to take it seriously.

Skywalker is too his feet in an instance as Rey helps Luke get upright. He's not seated more than three minutes before the vomiting starts. It rips through his body in torrents of agonizing muscle contraction doubling him over as he helplessly empties his stomach contents onto his sheets. With nothing to do but rub his back Rey reaches for a nearby garbage can quickly before another wave of nausea hits. Luke is panting, his face pale and sweaty as he cries and begs for his mother to help him. To make it stop. He cries out asking why this is happening to him and what he did wrong and why won't it stop because it's not. It simply keeps coming.

His little body is bent, the vomit saturating the sheets as Rey holds the garbage can in front of him with one hand and tries comforting him with the other. When Luke returns he has Jannah in tow. Jannah usually works the emergency department with Rey but Jyn had worked some magic and had her transferred to Luke's floor for the time being so that the little boy had a familiar face around. No one argued when Jyn made the request and it was pushed through quickly without so much as a word on the matter.

Jannah is a wonder, she has the sheets stripped quickly and another set ready before taking over for Rey with the garbage can. Luke heaves and gasps and cries, until his eyes are puffy and swollen and he complains that his body aches. When it seems safe to put down the garbage can Jannah ducks out of the room quickly in search of something cleaner to throw up in and a heated blanket. She returns with two for good measure wrapping one around Luke's shoulders while tucking the other around his legs. Still the little boy shivers against her, his hands are cold despite the fact that his forehead feels like he's been laying in the sun.

Giving him a few minutes Skywalker climbs onto the bed opposite Rey and together he and Ray wrapped him up in their embrace. Rey snuggles Luke close, resting her chin against his crown while Skywalker snuggles into the little boy's left and rests his cheek against Rey's crown. Together they cross their arms over Luke's body forearms clasped against him as the fell into a strange sort of silence.

That is how Finn and Poe find them, Luke's cheeks still pink from the effort of emptying his stomach. His eyes are puffy from tears. When the little boy finally falls asleep neither Rey nor Luke move from their position. Finn and Poe are in and out talking to nurses and Doctor Andor when he sweeps in to check on everyone. Cassian has been adamant that he wants to make sure both his patient and his patient's mother are ok. The first round of chemo can be a lot for everyone involved but Poe had kindly asks him to leave as Luke is only just now getting some rest.

The next few days are hell, vomiting and crying and exhaustion are the three integral parts to their days as Luke begs and begs for it all to stop. His stomach is sore, he doesn't feel like eating and all he wants to do was sleep. It's impossible to watch and remain sane at the same time as Rey is quickly finding out. Cassian stops in a lot, a kind hello, an inquiry after his patient, sometimes with a coffee and muffin in hand for Rey which she takes happily and with thanks.

It's an evening two days post chemo when Doctor Andor shows up at Luke's room and Rey thinks maybe he's there for more than just asking after her son. Luke has just fallen asleep to the sound of his grandfather reading him the 'Velveteen Rabbit'. Rey curled up in a large rolling recliner that one of the on-call nurses stole from outpatient procedures claiming they wouldn't miss it. She has a sneaking suspicion that Doctor Kanata is behind it so she doesn't bother trying to argue. The door is left open a crack so the nurses can flit in and out checking on Luke's vitals without waking the little one up. So, it's easy for Doctor Andor to just poke his head in.

The first thing Rey notices was his distinct lack of lab coat. His hair is a bit messy as though he'd run his hands through it a few times. He looks almost nervous when he treats her to one of his kind smiles. He doesn't say anything at first but nods to Luke's sleeping form curled up against Skywalker instead of Rey for a change. Luke wanted his mother desperately but Skywalker insisted that it was his turn for snuggles. Rey felt bad at first for feeling so grateful to have a moment to herself even if it was still in the room, still present. Having Luke in her arms is one of the greatest feelings of her life but it's starting wearing on her to feel him shake and shudder in his sleep. To feel him whimper or moan as though his body just can't let him rest. She loves him too much for this, too much to allow this. Every time his little body quivers Rey finds herself wishing it was her who was sick instead of him.

Her mind frequently runs the gauntlet of 'if only I could take this pain for him'. A tortured rerun of self-inflicted pain that takes over when the background noise relents. She can't escape it, any of it. Her mind is all cancer all the time and it's becoming utterly suffocating.

So when Cassian shows up, a bag of food in his hand from Artu's down the street Rey almost feels relieved. There's guilt too, so much guilt at leaving Luke behind but also a relief to feel like a human being with human needs like an adult conversation that doesn't cycle around the illness she's afraid will steal her child away from her. Conversation with someone who sees her as a person and not simply the mother of a sick child. Cassian is good at that, encouraging her to be more, letting her know it's ok to relinquish control a little. The problem is she's horrible at actually doing it.

"Go…" Luke whispers, nodding to the door and the handsome doctor who offers her a moment's reprieve. "I'll text if he wakes up," He won't. Rey knows that she knows Luke will stay quiet unless it was dire. He can handle getting his grandson back to sleep he'd done it countless times before but even still the knowledge of that leaves guilt gnawing at her insides.

Cassian doesn't have his own office, not yet. There's still talk of him staying at Aldera Royal and part of her hopes it's true. He's a kind man who understands children the way the other doctors don't quite get. Even the head of pediatrics Dr. Harter has a soft spot for Cassian's newer approaches and Kalonia Harter is as old school as they come. Instead, they hover around the nurse's station chopsticks in hand as they pick away at the assortment of sushi that Cassian apparently ordered on a whim.

"I remembered you saying how much you enjoyed it," Cassian says after a mouth full of spicy tuna, "I didn't think I'd like it but I thought why not? I'm always interested in trying new things," There's something left unsaid beneath his words, a tone or a meaning that Rey isn't entirely sure she has the mental capacity to wade through.

"You've never had sushi before?"

"Never," and that becomes evident quite quickly as she watches him struggle with his chopsticks. It's like watching a kid trying to hold too many sticks in one hand at once.

"Stop, stop," laughing at his distress Rey takes her own and demonstrates slowly placing the wooden pieces individually between each finger before using her thumb to stabilize. When she has them secure she pinches a yam roll and plops it in her mouth with practiced ease. The yam is sweet and the tempura is crunchy with the delicious give of the rice that splits apart in her mouth in an explosion of flavor. When Cassian tries as is demonstrated and fails Rey takes his chopsticks in hand and guides him through it. His hands are warm and soft, thicker but not much larger than her own. When he finally gets the hang of it Cassian almost looks embarrassed, a soft rouge settling against his cheeks. With a nod he reaches for a piece of salmon sashimi and tests the weight of it against his wooden utensils before dipping it in the soy sauce experimentally.

"There you go," Rey chides as though she were talking to a child. Cassian however doesn't seem to mind, in fact he even seems to enjoy the attention. Rey even thinks she catches him looking up at her beneath fetching brown eyes. Like a teenager stealing glances at a girl he has a crush on.

They chat amiably about nothing and everything. Cassian it turns out is a very interesting fellow. Outside of being a doctor he loves Rugby and still plays on occasion, enjoys water polo which Rey admits she often thought was a made-up sport. He makes his own wine, has been trying his hand at making his own vodkas and has a strangely endearing affection for goats. A love he inherited from his mother who currently raises goats and makes a variety of soaps and other products from their milk. He asks about her life too, questions like why she went into nursing, to begin with and what life was like in the foster system. He asks her about Skywalker and Finn and Poe and life. As though at that moment nothing would have made him happier than to simply know her.

As their conversation flows and their sushi platter grows smaller and smaller. He asks her questions about her childhood and doesn't flinch when she skirts over the bad stuff. He doesn't press either, he just lets the conversation flow organically which is refreshing and frightening. It's strange but for a whole forty-five minutes Rey doesn't think about cancer once. Not until a particular lull in the conversation when she realizes she's been gone or a while.

"Luke is fine," Cassian tells her softly as he catches her looking over her shoulder. "Your father has him, he'll call you." Right, call her. Glancing down at her phone she's shocked to see that not only does she have no missed calls or texts but a whole hour and a half has actually gone by. "Help me finish the rest of this," he encourages gesturing to the few rolls leftover on the platter.

When Rey nods and picks away at the last dynamite roll as Cassian brings their conversation home, "Have you ever thought of," he says around a rather chewy piece of what looked like a clam, "A stem cell transplant?"

When Rey looks up, she sees he's looking at her. Quiet eyes making an assessment of something she cannot see. "Is it necessary? Would it help?"

Swallowing Cassian nods, looking down at the tray as though trying to avoid Rey's gaze, "Right now, no but we won't know until we see how Luke responds to chemo. With his possible neurological involvement it's more and more likely that we will need to look into it," Rey opens her mouth to speak but Cassian's hand is held up effectively stopping her in her tracks, "It may help, yes but there are risks involved too. We would need to extract healthy stem cells from a donor who matches Luke's genetic needs, there's a chance." with a pause Cassian matches Rey's gaze. His eyes are soft, understanding and yet pleading at the same time, "There's a chance the donor's immune cells could attack Luke's. There's are anti-rejection drugs we would give him of course but with this type of procedure I've seen a lot of success."

"When? How? What do we do?" her mouth can't get around the words fast enough as they fall from her lips. This man has given her hope time and time again. He's shown her kindness and compassion in the face of the worst situation she's ever had to face in her life and there have been some bad times.

Cassian merely smiles, "Slow down." He tells her with a soft laugh, "It works best when the donor is family of course, so yourself or Luke's father would be ideal candidates but you say he's not in the picture?"

Rey allows a sharp nod as she swallows hard, "When can we test me? Tomorrow? can we do this tomorrow?" she barrels forward, her mind racing like a horse released from its paddock, "If I'm not can we test others? Is there any chance that Poe of Finn could match? My foster father Luke?"

Her hand is suddenly swept up in Cassian's and it feels nice as he cocoons her right hand between both of his. "Slow down," he urges, "We'll test you yes. It's not a pleasant test but yes. And if Finn and Poe consent we can test them too. It's better to know we have the option then scramble when it's needed." With a soft squeeze Cassian lowers his voice drastically, "If there is any way to get in contact with Luke's father, I encourage you to do so Rey." he knows he's overstepping. The guilt radiates off him in waves and yet still he pushes as though compelled by his convictions, "It's not my place and I'm saying this as a person and not your doctor. If I…" his pause is almost painful, "I know if I had a kid out there… if I were Luke's father, I would want a chance to help. To know him. That's all."

They're words from a man who knows regret. A passionate plea from a man who has been denied something in his life. Something more than just an inability to go to the school of his choice or maybe marry the woman of his dreams. Cassian speaks as a man who's lost an opportunity with family or who has wanted a family of his own but never found the love needed. It's hard to say exactly where his words derive from but they're lined and littered with a regret that Rey can almost understand. Almost.

She doesn't respond, she just nods as he takes her hand to his mouth and places a kiss against her knuckle. It's soft and sweet much like the man himself leaving far too much left unsaid. So she leaves it. She leaves it all alone and they continue their conversation about goats and wine and the beach. It's pleasant and comfortable but there is something changed between them now, a layer of something extra that's been added onto their relationship. Be it professional or personal it's shifted and heavier now then it had been before. Not enough that she minds, or enough that she's even concerned but enough that it's obvious. It's there in the way he looks at her, or the way he laughs. Something in their exchange has altered and what's most curious about it is that Rey doesn't find that she necessarily minds it either.

They do the bone marrow biopsy the next day. It's unpleasant as Cassian had said. A deep painful pinch that she feels even though she's had the IV sedation. Doctor Ackbar does the procedure while Cassian slips in to hold her hand. It's not something that's usually done but as always exceptions are made when Rey is involved. Doctor Andor sit's with her afterward too, rubbing small circles around her mid bad as she lays cradling her head against her hand. She cries, not because of the pain but because she hasn't allowed herself to do so in days. It's a lot to take in, a lot to process and the battle is just beginning. Cassian allows her to weep, his hands warm as they stroke her hair and down her shoulders. After an hour he helps her to her feet and slips out of the room so she can get dressed on her own. He's there on the other side of the door when she's ready though and walks her back to Luke's room with a hand around her waist scolding her for not accepting the wheelchair.

She's not a match but Finn and Poe and Skywalker all agree to be tested too. It's bittersweet because in the back of her mind she knows who she needs to ask...

It's about two days before Luke's next chemo treatment before he starts to feel like himself again. He's had visitors pouring in from all over the hospital, nurses and doctors alike stopping by on their breaks to say hello or making excuses to stop in on their rounds. A doctor's version of, 'I was in the neighborhood'. Rey hasn't been up to see Han and it feels odd like she's avoiding him even though she's quite certain logically she isn't. Maybe on a subconscious level? Still, she knows she needs to make the trek upstairs, his surgery will be happening any day now and it's important she stops in to say hello before he goes under.

Luke's concern about his hair loss has met with a mass outpouring of support. First Poe's beanie, then a crocheted hat Jannah made with puppy dog ears on it. Even Jyn, cold-hearted, mercurial Jyn makes Luke a tuque with a puffy pom-pom on top. She has Jannah deliver it stating she's too busy to come by herself but will stop in on one of her evening shits. There are rumors going around now that Jyn knows Doctor Andor on a personal level and that's why she's avoiding Luke's floor but Rey never put much stalk in scuttlebutt like that.

Despite being away from his bed and his toys and all of his friends Luke is oddly ok with living in the hospital. The staff make him into a local celebrity of sorts to make up for the mint-colored walls and uncomfortable bed. He has visitors from all over stopping in, some of his preschool classmate's parents have even reached out expressing their concern and asking how they can help. While the doctors think it best not to overtax Luke with a handful of busy five-year-olds his preschool teacher sets up a video chat and when Luke is feeling up to it he's able to Skype in and say hello to everyone. It isn't home and it isn't normal but it's better than bad.

Skywalker, despite having Rey's bed to sleep in doesn't leave the hospital much either. He goes home from time to time, their home and eats dinner with Finn and he's gone to visit Rose who works in Coruscant a few hours away. He never stays away from the hospital long though. He always comes back with food or some little trinket for Luke and books, so many books. That has always been Skywalker's thing with Luke, stories. By the time Luke was four his Grampa had read him The Hobbit not once, but three different times. He'd even gifted Luke a signed copy for his fourth birthday. Rey cursed and packed the thing away for safekeeping because who gifts a four-year-old a signed copy of The Hobbit and expects it to stay in good condition? He reads lots of things that are probably too advanced for a child of Luke's age but Luke always sits quietly and always, always asked for more.

Luke visits his sister a lot too, a nameless woman that Luke is immensely fond of despite years apart. He brings up the idea of introducing her to Luke a few times but always remains incredibly understanding about the whole thing, 'when you're ready' he often says or, 'when you think he's up to it'. He never pushes or plays the guilt card he just remains present and calm as he always has. Luke Skywalker, for all his oddities and weird little foibles is Rey's rock. Her safe port in a storm. He worries about her and she knows that. She hates to think she's caused him such concern. He jokes about dragging her home himself but she knows he'd never actually take her away just like he knows she'd never leave. So they sit at an impasse and Luke simply encourages her to go and be when she's a little overwhelmed.

Cassian is around a lot more too, popping in to say hello always with treats as though he feels it's his job to make sure Rey is eating at least once a day. It's not that she doesn't eat, she does. She just rarely has an appetite these days. Stress it seems reeks havoc on your desire to consume anything remotely nutritious and Rey loves food. It's why they worry, she knows that. It would, of course, be easier to just... eat. But the mere thought of food makes Rey's stomach roil traitorously. One day she'll enjoy food again, just like one day Luke will be well. Like anything else they just need to give it time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise we're getting to the good stuff! Someone finds out soon and it won't be long before Ben is in the know. I have it written two ways. One they meet and she tells him civilly, another when he finds out accidentally. I have a pretty good idea how I want it to happen but what are your thoughts my darlings? Part of me wants to limit drama because a sick kid is drama enough but another part of me loveeeees some good angst before they get to the good stuff. I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you here to see Luke?" 
> 
> Wait, what did Cassian just ask him?"
> 
> "My uncle?" Ben looks confused, "No, I'm here to see my Father, Han Solo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I meant to get this up last night. My son has insomnia so sleep has been precious and I crashed hard. I love hearing what you guys think should happen with Ben. This has been unbeta'd so it's a lot of self-correction and bouncing ideas off myself. I have a very strong idea where I want this to go but it's nice to hear what other people think. It helps and adds another layer. Plus you're all so wonderful and I feed off your feedback like an addict haha.

The minute Luke says he wants ice-cream Rey is prepared to move heaven on earth to make it happen for him. It's the first time in days he's shown any interest in anything that even resembles food. They've been forced to feeding him Boost and other meal replacement shakes to make sure he doesn't waste away. Cassian was kind enough to give them the go-ahead for a quick walk around the hospital as long as they're careful not to overtax him and keep a wheelchair on hand in case he gets tired Luke is adamant he can walk himself and does well until they reach the cafeteria doors. He pulled on Poe's slouchy beanie which is far too large even for Luke's sizeable five-year-old noggin. Poe told him it was magic and would help him get strong and fight this thing. Luke calls it cancer but he doesn't quite understand what that meant so instead they talk about it like it's a monster inside his body. One his body is trying to fight off with the help of a magic potion. It makes the chemo tolerable if only a little. In the end it's not much different than the idea that cells are multiplying beyond a healthy rate within his body really.

The cafeteria is relatively quiet when they enter, it's the middle of the afternoon just after the late lunch rush so the cafeteria workers are busy preparing for supper. There's still plenty of food to be had and more importantly Rey knows there's an abundance of ice-cream stocked in the freezers. After procuring a rather wide assortment of flavors Rey wheels Luke over to a table before grabbing herself a coffee and a banana to soothe her own aching tummy.

And, there they sit, Lukes belly struggles against the dairy at first. The lack of food in his system making it difficult for his body to adjust but he is nothing if not determined. They're only small tubs, the kind you eat with a stick but it still takes Luke twice as long to get through them. It's ok though, being out is nice. The cafeteria at Alderaa Royal boasts walls made of tall thick windows allowing for the sun to shine in on days like today. It's almost cozy to let the sun beat on her face as she casually sips her coffee. That is until someone bumps roughly into the back of her chair. The impact is sudden and jarring causing Rey's coffee to slosh onto the table making a rather large mess in the process. Poor Luke shrieks with a start as he starts throwing napkins on it like it's a grease fire looking around wildly as he does so.

"Oh, goodness, I'm so…" A soft lilting accent starts before, "Rey?" is added to the rambling apology. The familiarity of the voice startles her from her task as she hastily mops up the river of coffee that has now started to pool in the middle of the table. "It is Rey right?" the voice asks kindly.

There's a voice in the back of Rey's head that screams at her to run. Another one that tells her to keep her eyes peeled on the crowd, to keep them safe… Then Rey looks up and who does she see looking back at her but Gwen. She's just as beautiful as Rey remembers her. Eyes the deepest shade of blue she's ever seen, blonde hair left down to curl around her chin, skin of porcelain so smooth and clear that it makes the red of her lips look almost otherworldly. It's almost unfair that someone this beautiful exists in the world. Gwen, Ben's Gwen with her bright smile and her sweet disposition, leaning in to help clean up the mess she so carelessly helped to cause.

Rey is at a complete loss as to what she should do in this exact moment. She's frozen between shock and panic because Gwen seems nice, kind, sweet and where Gwen is… Rey's eyes go wide, her first instinct not to greet the woman but to search the floor around her. It's an act that could very well be misconstrued as a desperate woman's blatant infatuation but there are too many layers to that particular onion for Rey to peel back.

Instead, when Rey doesn't answer, the blonde pushes kindly, "Gwen Phasma, we met in Han's room. I'm Ben's partner." Not his girlfriend, his partner, it's such a grown-up way to put it, so calm and adult-like it makes Rey feel a little bit like a child.

"Yes… yes, I'm so sorry I was distracted. Of course, I'm sorry. It's really lovely to see you again," She finds herself rambling. Be nice, play nice. Gwen has done nothing to you, she's been kind, she is being kind. Rey really just needs to keep her mouth shut but Luke, he has no such qualms.

"You're weally tall," He says, his eyes full of wonder as Gwen continues to sweep up the napkins into a pile. It's a kind gesture emphasized by the fact that Gwen is standing there head to toe in white. All white. White pants with broad legs that seem light and airy as she moves. A white waistcoat which on anyone else Rey would likely think looked ridiculous. On Gwen it only makes her look like she belongs on a catwalk. Its buttons are large and ornate gold things that match the buttons on her white dress coat which she's currently wearing open. Who wears this much white ever? If Rey were to ever try it she'd look like an orderly for the psychiatric unit from some horror movie. Still despite the risk of stains Gwen sweeps in with her manicured hand and collects up the mess just as easily as she caused it.

"I know, it's crazy isn't it," Gwen chimes happily, "I think my mother was half-giant, what do you think?"

Luke's soft whiskey-colored eyes go wide as he nods emphatically, his mouth dropped open. He's gaping, actually gaping as she laughs softly. It's hard not to be bothered by it, this primal urge to keep this woman away from her son. It's a fear of sorts that like his father Luke too will prefer the gorgeous blonde who basically just admitted to the child that she may in fact be magical.

To distract herself from that thought Rey does one more quick glance around, surveying their surroundings for anyone who might look remotely Ben like. When she notices this Gwen treats her with a soft smile and says, "Ben's not here. I mean he is here in the hospital. He's just not with me at this moment. He's upstairs with his parents. I guess his uncle is visiting from away and he's only met him a handful of times. I slipped away for a quick nip, I'm utterly famished."

God, when she talks all Rey wants to do is listen. Her voice is smooth as glass and lilting in a way that sounds like she's reading you a bedtime story. "Oh," Rey starts, unsure what it is she should say in return, "Ben said you've been working really hard. Something about a new client? or…" What was she doing? Why was she saying this? Why was she giving Gwen any reason to think that Rey and Ben spoke regularly? They weren't friends, none of them were. Maybe they could have been once upon a time. Maybe Rey even wishes that could be the case now. Maybe. Someday they'll have to be, if not friends then at least civil to one another as parents of children who aren't together often do. But Gwen is Ben's partner and Rey is… well she's just Rey. Some girl Ben met and never called back. Gwen won without realizing she'd even been playing as women like Gwen often do.

"Mmm, Yes," Gwen nods thoughtfully utterly unperturbed by Rey or her existence in Ben's life it seems, "He's a bit of a prat really," even when insulting someone she sounds lovely, like Julie Andrews. Her accent sweet and lilting like a song. Sure, Rey has an accent, she's had one as long as she's been able to think about it but hers isn't like Gwen's. Hers sounds almost wrong after listening to Gwen speak. "Ben's the only one who can make him see reason and of course with Han in the hospital…" there's a dismissive wave of her beautiful hand and she's dropping the subject altogether. As though such matters are trivial and of no consequence. Instead she drops into a crouch standing across from Luke. "No matter," she says happily, "Now, who is this handsome devil? Is this your son Rey?"

"I'm Wuke Niima, it's a pweasure," Luke says firmly as he extends his hand in Gwen's direction. His body bounces a little in his seat as he swings his legs viciously under the table.

Gwen, as though thoroughly impressed gives the little boys fingers a firm shake, "The pleasure is all mine sir," she chimes sweetly, "What a charming little fellow you are."

Rey wants to hate her, with every fiber of her being Rey wants to hate Gwen Phasma. It's desperate and panic-inducing the way she wants to hate this woman but with every passing moment it seems less and less possible. Gwen it seems is a good person. Luke has always been her litmus test for trusting and liking people. She isn't one to judge or discriminate and more often then not chooses to formulate her own opinion of people rather than to follow blindly what other people might feed her. That doesn't always mean she'll like them, just that she simply won't avoid them. It's how they treat Luke that will win her over or push her away every time. Their actions regarding him will dictate how she in turn feel about them. It's a pretty simple concept really and here is Gwen, tall, beautiful, dating Ben Gwen, looking Luke straight in the eye as she chats with him. Asking him who he's wearing on his pajamas, Asking him what he's doing in the hospital. She's talking to him like he's a person instead of sidestepping Luke altogether and asking Rey which would be far easier and far more direct. Instead she's treating Luke he's his own person like he exists outside of Rey's existence as a people with his own thoughts and feelings and emotions. It's…. refreshing.

"Don't 'ave a Daddy," she hears Luke say and suddenly Rey realizes that she should have been paying far closer attention to the conversation. Gwen's eyes turn on Rey for a breath of a second before her focus falls back on Luke and it's suddenly like her little secret may have been discovered. "I 'ave a Finn and a Poe," he continues, "They wive wit us. Poe is a paradedic," Stumbling over his words Rey mouths 'paramedic' to which Gwen gives a knowing nod, "Finn is a… what is he again mommy?"

"An editor buddy, Finn's an editor."

"Yeah dat! What do you do?" Luke thinks just a moment before he suddenly blurts, "Do you 'ave a beanstalk?"

When Gwen laughs, it's light and airy like mother goose. It's friendly and warm and sweet. She even does this little thing where she places her hand over her chest as she does it. It's so ladylike and proper. Rey hates it. Rey hates it and yet she wants to wrap her arms around Gwen and hug her anyway. "No, no I do not," she says rather morosely, "I do however live in a very, very tall building," straightening back into a stand Gwen adjusts her purse. It's a large black leather sack today with some ludicrously expensive label on it. "I should be going." she almost sounds regretful, as though talking to Luke has been the absolute highlight of her day, "It was lovely to meet you Luke Niima. I hope we see each other again sometime soon." Luke nods enthusiastically and then goes back to finishing up his icecream, sucking the melted substance down with a loud and exuberant slurp.

Gwen continues to smile as she watches the little boy sitting with his dark hair covered in Poe's slouchy beanie. "I'll tell Ben I saw you shall I?" She says politely. It's more of a statement than a question really, "Did he ever ask you out to dinner?" She adds almost as an afterthought, "I told him he really should. You don't share an evening like that and not reminisce."

Rey can feel her cheeks hear up, surely Ben wouldn't have told her… "He told you about the Hanna House Party?"

"Of course," Gwen offers easily, "After I met you, that first night. It was quite obvious you two knew each other. I just can't imagine Ben getting into a fight like that. Thank goodness you were there to help him. He said you took good care of him and even let him crash at your place?" It's said like a question, as though Rey is supposed to confirm the details of a story she's fairly certain Gwen doesn't know all the plot twists of.

Of course he had to tell her something, they hadn't exactly hidden it well, the shock of running into one another again. And, why would Ben tell his girlfriend… partner, all the details surrounding that night. It's not exactly a conversation you want to have with the person you love. What was he supposed to say? 'Oh, yeah, I know the nurse. She and I fucked all night long and then I ghosted her. No big deal though, it didn't mean anything.' "Oh… yeah. Yeah."

She almost misses the way Gwen's bottom lip pouts just so before she presses both together. Her eyes follow Rey almost suspiciously as though it's just now that she's realizing that something about the story may not quite be as it seems. Those fathomless blue eyes take Rey in, scrutinize her and then turn on Luke, "Unless it was more than that," Gwen offers softly, taking Luke in as he scrapes the bottom of his ice-cream cup with rapt enthusiasm. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to find the similarities, like one of those pictures that boasts, 'find the five differences' when in reality there are only really three.

She doesn't push however, she just watches, like she knows there's something there but just can't quite pick it up. Maybe it's Luke's presence that's stopping her from asking the big questions. Talking about things that children have no need to hear. Or maybe she sees it in the way Luke smiles, the way his dimples pop, or the slope of his nose, far too long and strong to inherit it from his mother. Thank god for Poe's slouchy beanie hiding Luke's dark hair and his ears. The ears would be a dead give away. "No, I mean, we danced outside a cafe?" Rey offers demurely, "That's all I can really think of."

It seems enough to throw Gwen off the scent so to speak, the idea of Ben dancing appears to be far more interesting than a four year old with largish features and a goofy grin. "Ben danced?" she laughs loudly, her head thrown back exposing the long, pale, graceful column of her neck.

It's hard not to chuckle softly along with her, as though spurred on by Gwen's joy and entertainment. The memory of it though, is anything but funny, "Yeah, right in the middle of the street."

"Well, I'm going to have to ask him about that. I can't get him to go dancing for the life of me. " It's small, insignificant really but it almost feels like it could be a win. A part of Ben that Rey can keep to herself, hold onto and pull into her heart to cherish and know that Gwen will never be able to touch it. It's childish and it's fleeting and in the end, it really doesn't make her feel any better because as it turns out Gwen is a good person.

Rey wasn't counting on Gwen being a good person.

When Gwen takes her leave Luke is a flurry of questions. Mostly about giants and beanstalks and the probability of their existence but he's animated in a way that Rey has missed seeing. He finishes his ice-cream and they head back to his room where Luke is curled up reading a book. Little Luke greets him with unbridled enthusiasm and soon the two are talking about monsters and giants and golden eggs laid by geese that are far too large to be real.

It's one day before Luke's next chemo treatment when Doctor Andor swoops in to check on Luke's progress. Luke tells him he's feeling better and he thinks he's beaten the cancer monster so it's definitely time to go home now. He's disappointed to find out that Cassian does not agree with that statement and Luke will in fact be staying for several more weeks.

Well, it starts as disappointment but quickly spirals into something akin to devastation. Luke cries nearly sobbing his displeasure. He tells them he's tired of being sick and he just wants to go home. He misses his bed and his friends and he's supposed to start school in September. Will he be better by September? Kind-hearted Cassian does his best to field his questions and assure Luke they're doing everything they can but it's Skywalker who swoops and saves the day. He tickles Luke's sides and tells him that now is the perfect time to pick out a new book series to read before spouting off titles and authors like the old pro that he is.

While Luke provides is grandson with novel option after novel option, Cassian turns to Rey with a small yet eager smile, "How about a coffee?" He offers warmly. It's the first time he's invited her away while Luke is still away awake and Rey isn't quite sure she's up for it.

After settling on the Big Friendly Giant, Luke pipes up from his seat in bed, "I'll be ok mommy," he chimes, "Grampa is going to read me a book about giants!" of course he is, wherever would he get that idea from. Petulantly Rey's mind flits back to perfect Gwen and her perfect face.

"Go on Rey," Skywalker adds with a grin, "Go and be a person for five minutes, get some fresh air, we're ok here." Damn Luke and his ability to see her, really see her. It's nerve-wracking and suffocating while being utterly liberating all at the same time. It's such a confusing state to be in like some sort of squirrel who survives solely upon caffeine and nuts.

It feels wrong to leave like she's abandoning him but in the end she takes Doctor Andor's offered hand and walks with him into the hallway. The touch is momentary but nice, as though maybe she's the one he's concerned with on this trip, as though he cares. As though he more then cares, as if he likes spending time with her. She tries not to dwell on the idea of it too much. It's dangerous territory to tread with your kids' doctor and a man who may have had a relationship with your superior. Well… she never could do things easy.

Cassian has never given her any indication that his intentions are more than plutonic. Or... has he? It's hard to find to tell, Rey's mind is a mottled mess of Caner and Luke and Ben and Cancer and Ben and Luke, Luke, Luke. Always Luke. Forever Luke. Whether or not Cassian is interested in her is inconsequential. It's meaningless when put against Luke's needs because that's all that matters. Luke. Besides, there is no indication that Cassian's intent was any more than coffee and pastry anyway. None what so ever. Except maybe the way his knuckles keep bumping against hers as they walk. Then again, that may be pure coincidence.

It's nice talking to another adult unguarded once and a while. There's no preconceived notions or expectations beyond the ability to hold up her end of the conversation and eat her muffin. She's so comfortable in fact she decides to throw caution to the wind an order a second to which Cassian simply laughs and waves his hand inviting her to have her fill.

He's kind in a way that most people can't achieve. Not in his gestures exactly but in how he listens, really listens when Rey speaks. She doesn't have to repeat herself or explain things repetitively. He doesn't interrupt when she rambles and if he does he apologizes and encourages her to continue. He listens and he smiles and… this is why people fall for their kid's doctors.

This right here.

Here, Doctor Andor is encouraging her to be kinder to herself, to take better care of herself and she's suddenly fawning over him like a doe-eyed school girl. Still, he doesn't seem to mind or even really notice. Instead, his attention becomes hyper-focused, his posture more open. His hand grazes hers as she toys with a small packet of creamer and he smiles at her when it does. He's trying to put her at ease and she's becoming no more than a jittering mess of nerves.

"Rey," and no one has said her name like that in a very, very long time. It's soft and almost breathy as if he's astonished by her presence or just trying to drink her in. It makes her spine prickle and her palms sweat and, strangely, she doesn't hate it.

He's older then her, quite a bit in fact if she actually listens to the scuttlebutt. But that doesn't quite matter because his hand hasn't moved from hers for the last minute or so and that's kind of ok. They're sitting side by side in the open air of the hospital garden space. Tucked away at one of the cement tables towards the side doors. An area used mostly by hospital staff and people who enjoy Beau's homemade baked goods. Beaumont is a local hero of sorts. Once a lawyer, one of those in high priced suits with no life and little joy in his life. He quit and started a business making coffee and selling pastries. It doesn't pay as well but he often says he's happier now then he's ever been. He's a hospital treasure, a best-kept secret of sorts. He's also known for making one of the best macchiatos this side of Coruscant. In truth, he's one of Rey's favorite people and the reason she's been able to make it through so many double shifts without murdering anyone.

Cassian's hand is warm as it cups over her own. His thumb drawing idle zigzags over the back of her knuckles softly. When he says her name again she realizes how quiet she's been. How lost in thought and oddly comfortable she feels just sitting with him.

"Sorry," she mumbles, more to herself than anything else. Still his touch does not waver. His eyes are warm and kind as he leans in, just a little in order to capture her attention fully. For a minute she wonders if he might kiss her. Wonders, maybe hopes? It's hard to tell through the exhaustion and emotion that are raging through her. She's had to be strong, she's chosen to be strong but to have someone look at her like they really see her. To look at her as if to say it's ok. To let someone else shoulder the burden a little, it can muddy the waters of intent

"You have to be one of the strongest women I have ever met." He says it like it's a fact. Like there is no greater truth on this earth. She wants it to be true but she can't see through to the reality of it. It sounds like something you say when you know someone is struggling. Like whispered words and promises spoken over bare flesh. When she laughs almost bitterly Cassian shakes his head and gives her hand a soft squeeze.

"You are not the first parent I've seen through this Rey, and you won't be the last. I've done this so many times now I've lost count." Done what exactly? Walked parents through Chemo? Helped sick children? Held the hands of devastated mothers while their children are in your care? Looked at them like you want to kiss them?

After a moment or two sitting beneath Cassian's intense brown stare Rey isn't entirely sure she's made the whole thing up. The way he looks at her, the way his eyes drift to her lips. It's easy to look for things when you know you're safe from the actuality of it. "Why…" she finally starts but her voice breaks off, emotions cracking in her throat making her hate herself just a little, "Why do you do it then?" All of it, any of it, "The sick kids, the devastated parents, the… the loss?"

"Because," He states simply, "Someone needs to do it." as if it was that easy. Nothing more to it, "I've been given a gift, I have a skill and if I can help people it's my responsibility to do so. Children are these incredible little creatures so full of life. They're braver and more resilient than most adults. They love with impunity, they don't judge and while yes, the losses are hard the wins? They're incredible."

With a heavy sigh, Cassian pulls back in his seat, his cheeks are flushed a soft pink as he peers at Rey with a carefully guarded grin. "I have to confess," he starts, taking a sip of his coffee and Rey follows suit, her eyes following Doctor Andor and his careful motions. He stays close but not too close. As though he's trying to give her space and be respectful but he's overcome with a need to close the gap. His hand still cradles hers as though he's afraid she might slip away or break beneath the weight of it all

Or maybe that's the sick kid, handsome, understanding doctor, and ages without a man's affection talking.

Still, she's curious as to what he feels he needs to confess. Maybe he secretly steals the kid's lollipops. Maybe he moonlights as a Chippendales when he leaves the hospital on Friday nights. Maybe… Maybe...

"Rey?" Fuck, she knows that voice. She knows when she looks up who is bound to be standing over her. Eyes focused intently upon her until she speaks because apparently, he's patient now. He hadn't been so patient before.

It's with slow reluctance she looks away from Doctor Andor and there he is, wool coat slung over his arm while his other hand remains locked in the embrace of… Gwen. Oh good she's here too because this couldn't get any more awkward.

"Hello Ben," her voice is more clipped then she may have liked but she really isn't in the mood for this. Ben however doesn't seem phased in the slightest by her tone. His eyes are fixated on the small space between Rey and Doctor Andor. On the way Cassian has her hand cradled in his. Ben watches and he looks… angry? No, not angry. Sad possibly or upset in some way. No, it's hurt, he looks hurt as though she's betrayed him and isn't that a laugh because…

"Are you here to see Luke?" Cassian asks in a friendly way, his thumb running a soft line against the back of Rey's hand as he seems totally unphased by Ben. Ben who looks like he's about to throw a massive hissy fit. Ben who's holding Gwen's hand as a partner should.

Wait, what did Cassian just ask him?"

"My uncle?" Ben looks confused, "No, I'm here to see my Father, Han Solo."

Now its Cassian's turn to look unsure while Gwen looks deeply pensive. She's in jeans today which seems odd and makes Rey wonder what day of the week it is. The days have been blending together, sleep being allowed at odd intervals, pulling her under only when the exhaustion has mounted to an insurmountable degree. When Cassian looks at Rey she realizes he is not alone. All three of them seem to be staring at her making her increasingly more uncomfortable. "My apologies," Doctor Andor breezes on, "I mistook you for someone else."

Ben offers a stiff nod as though he gets that a lot, "Ben, sweetheart we need to get going. We have a meeting at four I cannot miss and your father goes in for his surgery tomorrow." The emphasis Gwen puts on I is not lost on Rey almost as though she was bitter. As though she felt Ben wasn't pulling his weight. Maybe it was a work issue, maybe a problem with their relationship but that was too much for Rey to dwell on.

"Han's surgery is tomorrow?" Rey asks suddenly, shocking everyone including herself at the briskness of her tone.

"Yeah, he goes in early, Doctor Kanata figures it should be pretty straight forward." Ben says while Gwen swings their clasped hands back and soft slightly, "We're having a thing tonight, you should stop by his room if you're around."

All she can do is nod as Ben smiles at her before he and Gwen disappear into the side door.

Cassian is still, so still Rey has to check to see if he's still breathing. He is thankfully but he looks deeply pensive. He looks like he's trying to work through advanced calculus in his head or figure the trajectory needed to land a space shuttle on Mars because he doesn't say a thing. For a minute Rey's not sure he's going to. "I'm so sorry." He says, it's a gentle admission laced with regret but still, he doesn't look at her, "I assumed… I thought… After our conversation the other night I thought maybe you'd reached out to Luke's father." ah… that's what he thought. Obviously. "He just looks…"

"He is," She blurts out with a sigh, "He is and it's so complicated."

"He doesn't know."

"I haven't seen him in almost 5 years, I was his father's nurse when he was admitted…" Cassian's eyes widen, "Like I said it's complicated."

"Are you going to…?"

"I know I have to," She offers but it doesn't matter because she's terrified.

When Cassian pulls her into a hug it's sudden and warm and kind. His arms wrap around her tugging her tight against his body which is warm and smalls like sunlight and cinnamon. It's the kind of hug that makes you feel like things might actually be ok in the end. The kind that makes you feel seen and... loved. His hand is at the back of her head as he strokes her hair for just a moment. A kiss on the cheek when he pulls away, "This isn't about you," he tells her almost regretfully, "It's about Luke. I stand by what I said the other night Rey. I cannot tell you what you should do but Rey... he's right there, you could reach out and touch him. I know you have your family, and they are wonderful, truly but there are things, so many things that..." when he stops his eyes soften and he's kissing the back of her knuckles again in a way that makes her heart race, "Is he a bad man?"

She can't help but shake her head. It seems presumptive, because how can she know? One night five years ago, but he's been so kind and so warm and so... present. Even when she pushed him away he was there, like he's afraid he might lose her again. Maybe he's just a spoiled man child who hates not getting his own way. The way he clings to Gwen but looks at Rey as though she's hung the sun in the sky seems rather 'have your cake and eat it too'. Or, maybe it's more complicated than all that. Things usually are. But, he seems good, and kind, and sweet. "I can't even hate him for disappearing," she whispers.

Cassian's hand squeezes hers, she can't look at him, those eyes so deep and knowing. He's smiling softly, she can see it in her periphery, the way his lips twitch up to one side. "You don't want to share Luke."

Eyes wide her head jerks in Cassian's direction, "I... "

"You've never had to before. Ben...? was that his name?" Rey nods, "Ben may want shared custody, or to work towards that once Luke knows him better." The idea hits Rey square in the chest. It was a thought she'd had sure, idle and passing. Not a worry or this now deep fear of 'what if'? Hearing it said aloud makes the possibility real, a solid thing she has to face with other people's emotions connected to it. "Your whole identity has been Luke's mother. When was the last time you saw yourself as something more than that?"

"I'm a nurse..."

"Sure, and a good one too from what I hear. But Rey, that's your job, a career sure but it's not an identity. It can be, for some it is sure, but not for you. Nurse, friend, muffin addict, champion line dancer, these are all just things that sort of stick to you." Rey chuckles softly, the idea of her line dancing with her two left feet is amusing, "my point," he says, his index finger crooked tracing a line along her jaw before he lets it rest under her chin, "When your child gets sick, especially sick like this that identity becomes all-consuming. Your control is stripped and you flounder trying to find ground beneath your feet you because you feel like you have to save him. When you add Ben to the mix I can see why you might be afraid. But, what if he wants to support you? What if he wants to be there for you and for Luke? To help you take on some of this burden so you're not suffocating in it? Is that such a bad thing?"

There are tears in her eyes sticking to her lashes and burning in her throat. They're soft and slow, and Cassian's thumb is wiping them away. "I don't mean to make you cry hermosa," he says softly, his voice a silky purr as he tries to catch her attention. A swoop of his head and he's forcing eye contact that she finds herself inexplicably drawn to, "It's unfair of me to make assumptions and it's really none of my business," she wants to tell him it's really not but she also doesn't want him to stop talking, "I... care about you Rey, and Luke and I know this is overstepping. You would be well within your rights to report me at this point because I'm clearly violating so many hospital rules. Professional rules that are in place for a reason but I hate to see you hurting. So. You know my opinion and if I can help in any way, please let me,"

There is so much there to unload Rey doesn't even know where to begin. She's angry but touched and wants to scream and tell him it's none of his damn business. But. Cassian's only goal in all of this, despite the hand-holding and the looking at her lips like he wants to kiss her has always been Luke's well being. Everything thing he's said, everything he's done has seemed so carefully calculated. Sure he's taken care of her in some strange way, but by extension it's also benefited, Luke. Keeping her sane, reminding her to take care of herself, it helps her to better help her son.

With a nod she excuses herself. Cassian smiles in understanding, taking her hand in his again and placing a kiss against the back of her knuckles one last time. It's such a strange action, one far too intimate but also innocent, the way his lips linger, warm and sweet before he gives her hand a squeeze and she slips off. Her mind a swell of half-formed ideas and explanations, her heart beating heavy in her chest. She just needs to hold him, to see him, to know that he's ok and her world will right itself.

Cassian has left her with so much to think about but in her heart she knows what she has to do and it needs to be soon. Luke has his next round of chemo tomorrow. It seems odd and cruel to tell Ben then. Would he want to meet Luke right away? Why wouldn't he? Would it be too much for the little boy to handle? Would it be too much for Ben to handle? For her to handle?

She's half running by the time she gets to the elevator which takes far too long between floors. The need to hold her child is all-consuming as if her arms are the only thing that will make him better, as though she's spent too much time away. In reality she's using him to assuage her own guilt. To right her consciousness but how can that be wrong when the result is her arms around her son?

As the elevator doors open she can hear Skywalker talking to someone. His voice is low and easy but he's not in the room with Luke. Rey's heart explodes in a state of panic as she starts into a run coming around the corner to stop face to face with Luke talking to a woman. A woman who is standing with her back to Rey, who's voice sounds enchantingly familiar.

"We're having a thing tonight for Han before he goes in for surgery tomorrow, it would be nice if you could stop by…"

It's then she feels as though her heart is about to explode out of her chest because Rey knows that voice. She knows it because she knows the woman it belongs to and suddenly all the pieces start to fall into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gasp! who could it be?  
> Ben is just around the corner guys I promise! She's gonna mommy up and do the right thing. Also, take pity on me, my Spanish is... poor to nearly nonexistent but I thought Cassian calling Rey something sweet would be... nice? I don't know but don't hate me for Cassian, he just started being all sweet and I went with it. Cheers darlings xoxox


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Anything you have to say you wait, it does not get said in front of him. You can say what you want to me, but it does not get said in front of the child."
> 
> "Rey, what…" 
> 
> "I'll explain it all, you'll see. Just…" She takes a deep breath in, closing her eyes as she readies herself. It's like going into battle, readying herself for a fight because she's not entirely sure this won't turn into one. A reaction of some kind is inevitable and it's hard to say which direction this whole thing will go in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real talk friends. You're comments and support mean the world to me. This chapter is a little rocky, I've been having a rough time writing but I've felt compelled to do so at the same time. A pick me up I guess, so I picked through this. The small community I live in was rocked hard today by something so senseless and cruel. These times are hard, so very hard and for some it's harder than others. Hug those you can, tell those you can't that you love them because my god life is too short not to let them know. <3

"Rey?" Luke's voice carries through the hallway like it's coming from outer space. He's right there, so close she can see the way his eyebrows furrow just slightly the way they often do when he's confused. He's looking at her curiously, as though he's afraid to move on the off chance he might spook her. Funny how he automatically reverts back to his teenage handling skills but he knows her well enough to know that some habits are hard to break. He knows the look she gets when she's about to bolt. She was a runner, she'd been a runner long before she came to live with him and was a runner long after the fact. He'd helped her though, he was always there for her encouraging her to try running towards something instead of away. He was always careful, never pushed, never told her what to do or how to do it.

He was there the first time she'd tried running towards something, her nursing degree. Like her own personal cheerleader he sat on the sidelines and shook his pompoms and told her how amazing she was and how proud of her he was. He was there the first time she'd tried running towards another person too. A man who she thought was something more than a frantic lay. A man who avoided her calls and never got back to her. A man whose mother was standing right there beside Luke looking as though she too had no idea what to say or do.

"Rey, this is my sister Leia." Luke offers softly, his hand held out to encourage Rey forward, "Finn's with Luke, he's fine." Skywalker offers lightly, his tone is soothing, caressing her fried nerve endings as Rey takes one step and then another. Her feet feel like lead, dragging her down to the ground, a sign she should stop, a sign this isn't a good idea.

"We've met," Leia offers with a soft understanding smile, "Though I had no idea you were Luke's Rey at the time. How are you dear?"

Words, she's supposed to say them, they're supposed to come out of her mouth now. Someone is talking to her, someone has asked her a question. It's rude not to respond. It's rude not to reply but what is she suppose to say? What can she say really? It's a struggle to find the words to match their current situation. It's hard to figure out what it is she's supposed to say to this woman, Luke's sister.

Leia is Luke's sister

That means… Fuck.

Panic, wide-eyed terror rips through her in an instant freezing her in her place. Luke is there, his hand at her elbow and he's saying something about introducing Leia to Luke if Rey is up for it.

_Luke, Luke, Luke._

She wants to shake her head but has no real reason to say no other than the fact that she's a coward. She's a coward and she's lied to all of them. She's lied to Skywalker the one person in the world she owes the most to and the thought of that tears at her insides. She didn't know though, how could she have known? It's not as though Luke had ever given Rey his sister's name. He barely spoke of her until recently. They'd been estranged nearly their whole lives, separated at birth beneath tragic circumstances that were far outside of their control.

Now he was trying, trying to be there, to be a brother, to be a family and Rey held the linchpin that could truly bring them all together. Was that what they wanted? Was it what they needed? Her mind scrambles over thoughts and ideas and faces and titles as though she can make sense of any of it. It's all a jumble in her head, half thought through ideas and forced answers that really didn't make any sense. She has to tell Leia the truth, they're so close to it, just on the cusp of teetering over into something that might in fact be the greatest gift Rey could ever ask for.

Or, it could blow up in her face. It could implode beneath the long line of bad decisions and weeks of keeping the truth from everyone. It was selfish, she knows that, a desperate act by a desperate woman who only wants her little boy to be ok. If she could be guaranteed that Luke would walk out of this alive and well if only she lied she would have gladly done so and contented to do so.

Cassian's words flutter back into her mind as she stares at Leia. Hazel eyes that she's memorized, that are seared into her memory. A monumental moment in her life that changed the shape of it forever. The way Ben looked at her with those eyes, those soft glittering whiskey-colored eyes as he tucked hair behind her ear, as he kissed her, as he entered her so torturously slow. Leia has those same eyes, eyes she's seen in another, eyes she knows and loves and _craves_. Family, _family_ could be the key to all of this, to Luke's survival and the freedom she craves from the small box she's forced herself to live inside.

Rey nods softly, swallowing harsh dry gulps of air as she offers Leia a soft smile, "Not great," she says, no need to hide the truth of it. No need to sugar coat her reality. Han surely told her, Luke surely filled her in on their many visits with one another. She has a sick child, a very sick child, she is anything but ok and now there's a weight pressing down on her pushing her under. Now she has to struggle to breathe because this may be the second hardest thing she's ever had to do. Harder than giving birth, harder than going to school and raising an infant. She hadn't been alone then, she had others holding her hand. Others helping her out. This time, this moment, this truth is hers and hers alone.

"It's hard," Leia says with a nod because she knows, she's lived it. Her soul is recked with the scars of a loss no parent should ever have to face. A loss Rey finds herself obsessing over in the late evening hours when Luke is asleep and she's left alone with her thoughts. "From what Luke says you have a lot of support though. He sounds like an amazing little boy Rey." She's trying to be helpful, supportive and kind. She's trying to show Rey that she understands and that it's ok to not be ok. "I would love to meet him sometime if you would be comfortable with that."

She finds herself nodding as she looks to Luke. His eyes are kind blue spheres filled with affection. He pulls her close and presses a kiss to Rey's forehead, an action he's repeated so many times before but this time, this time it's chased by her own pang of regret and sorrow. This time Rey's emotions turn it into something dark and unnatural. Luke's intention is pure and kind and loving but Rey's betrayal carves itself into his sweet gesture and settles in her chest heavy and suffocating. "I…" She begins, and she can feel the tears welling at the corners of her eyes. The words are there, she knows how to say them, she knows that she should say them but she can't make her lips work. Her vocal cords are paralyzed, stiff and traitorous.

"Oh, sweetheart," Leia croons, "It doesn't need to be now, I don't… I didn't mean to imply. If you aren't…"

"Stop." The firmness in her voice startles her, Luke too by the way he's looking at her now, "Please, stop," Rey whispers before she turns to face her father, pulling back from him as though she's afraid she might hurt him by her mere presence. "I…" she starts again and Luke has her hand in his. He's squeezing it telling her that it's ok he'll love her no matter what. That anything less simply isn't possible, "I'm sorry."

"For what Kiddo?" always Kiddo, never Rey, never her name because that's too impersonal. She's always been kiddo or kid or little mouse. His little mouse who knew how to survive and scavenge and live but had to be taught how to _love_. "You're scaring me here Rey. What's going on?"

Her name sounds funny coming from his mouth, a foreign thing that he's used only a hand full of times in just as many years, "I, to both of you, I'm so very sorry." When she looks at Leia she feels her heart crack ever so slightly, a warm tear, ripping into the muscle allowing her emotions to leak out like a dam ready to burst. It's funny really, the heart being such a metaphor for affection when all affection really is, is a surplus of oxytocin and dopamine flooding the body. Odd that her chest hurts so much when it's her mind that becomes flooded with neurotransmitters and cortisol. The physical response versus the emotional and mental response has always been rather fascinating…

"Why are you sorry dear?" Leia asks. Leia, who she should have confided in from the start.

How could she have though? Luke was sick, Luke is sick and confessing his origins was not on the top of her priority list, not even close. Still, she should have, she knows it was wrong but maybe Leia will understand? Maybe she won't hate her?

"I…" she can't, her brain won't let the words come out, it holds them hostage as a protective mechanism. It's her fight or flight telling her she needs to protect herself but from what? The possibility of more family? Would it really be so bad?

"I need you to know I didn't know who you were." she tells Leia, "Not until recently, and things were so… well they weren't good," she rambles, pulling Luke and Leia further and further into her sea of confusion, "I never meant to hurt anyone." She confesses and Luke drops her hand. The sudden loss of his touch hits her like a brick as Luke shifts so he's shoulder to shoulder with his sister.

"Kid this isn't funny, I know you're going through a lot right now but I don't like this."

Neither does she. She wants to scream, to cry and even though tears are trailing down her cheeks she's somehow managed to stay calm. It's like falling out of Luke's second-story window all over again, the placid tone in her voice as she tries desperately to explain a situation that is so beyond words at this point it may be better just to show them. "I'm going to introduce you to Luke," She tells Leia, "But I have a condition."

"Alright," nodding Leia rubs her palms against her pant legs as though preparing herself for… _something_.

"Anything you have to say you wait, it does not get said in front of him. You can say what you want to me, but it does not get said in front of the child."

"Rey, what…" Luke starts but she cuts him off with a look.

"I'll explain it all, you'll see. Just…" She takes a deep breath in, closing her eyes as she readies herself. It's like going into battle, readying herself for a fight because she's not entirely sure this won't turn into one. A reaction of some kind is inevitable and it's hard to say which direction this whole thing will go in.

Wiping the tears from her eyes carefully she blots her eyes dry with the hem of her shirt. Luke can't see her upset. He doesn't like to see her upset and this isn't about her, none of this is. It's about him. It's about giving him a family he deserves and people who love him, who will love him. It's about giving him a village and a chance for a better life. More people to love him, to hold him, to care for him. That is all that matters now and all that will ever matter because he is her world and all of her decisions from the moment he was born have been in his best interest. She shouldn't feel guilty, she tried to reach out to Ben, several times in fact but he was a ghost on the wind and she was a mother who had better things to do than chase down a man who didn't seem to want to be found.

They follow her to the door, Luke and Leia at her back as she peeks in. Luke is on the bed playing dinky trucks with Finn. He's not wearing Poe's beanie anymore, good, that will help. When Finn looks up he cocks his head to the side in question, Luke is too engrossed in the vehicles to notice. "Promise me," she says with her hand up suddenly, "Promise me now you won't say a thing in front of him."

Leia nods emphatically, "I don't know what I could possibly say but I promise. If it's that important I promise."

"You'll see," She all but whispers as she schools her features and throws on a smile calling out, "Hey buddy, I'm back."

Luke whips around quickly, his eyes large and bright, the color of whiskey lined with gold. "Mommy!" he cries as he stands up. Finn is pulling him back down onto his bum, wrestling him into a hug which Luke struggles against laughing. His energy is back momentarily and it's uplifting to see. She doesn't turn to see Leia or Luke, she merely walks further into the room, leaning in to place a kiss on the little boy's nose as he giggles and pretends he doesn't like it. "Mommy, don't," he giggles as Finn lets him go and he rockets forward into her, his arms around her neck in an instant.

She scoops him up nuzzling her nose against his cheek. She just needs a moment, one pure and sweet moment before she turns around and allows their world as she knows it to become blown wide open. "Love you buddy," she whispers as she kisses his temple and cuddles him against her. He's a big kid for his age, all limbs, and torso, long like his father she imagines. When she turns to face Luke and Leia, Luke is standing there beaming.

"Grampa! you're back!" Luke cries.

"I am, I told you I wouldn't be long."

Luke seems pleased as Skywalker moves to sit in one of the less comfortable guest chairs leaving the rolling recliner open for Leia, "And this is Grampa's sister." Rey tells Luke, "Leia, this is Luke," the little boy now realizing they aren't alone snuggles his face into the crook of Rey's neck as Leia stands wide-eyed.

It may not be obvious in the beginning, maybe a familiarity here or there but Rey watches as the truth dawns on Leia. It comes like a sunrise, creeping recognition mixed with a curious uncertainty. Her eyes drink him in, from his head to his toes. She reaches out as though she wants to touch him, then looks at Rey, eyes pleading for the truth. When Rey nods in confirmation Leia seems after there's a noise that follows. It's a soft gasp, maybe a whimper as her eyes lift in joy, then crash into fear only to be picked up again looking desperate and pure. She knows this face, she's seen this face many times before, many years ago. Different in some ways Rey is sure but she knows how he looks and who he looks like.

"Sweetheart can you say hello?" Rey encourages and Luke shakes his head peering out from Rey's neck as he fiddles with his truck. She takes a seat at the edge of the bed. Finn's hand is at her back immediately, a reaffirming presence encouraging her along. A quite reassurance that this was the right thing to do no matter how hard it is. "Ohhh don't be shy," Rey encourages, "Why don't you show her your truck, I bet Leia would love to see your truck."

"I would," Leia confirms with a soft nod, "What color is it?"

Trying to turn him some in her lap Luke protests the adjustment and clings to Rey fervently, "Red," he whispers, just barely loud enough for them to hear as he holds it out but keeps his head turned away.

Finn's fingers tickle and prod along Luke's side trying to coax the shyness out of him. They know it's an act, Luke has never been one to shy away from an opportunity to show off before. He giggles and wiggles in Rey's arm, twitching and thrashing against Finn's prodding before he slides off Rey's lap and onto the floor in a puddle of four-year-old goo. After standing against Rey's knees a moment Luke rubs at his nose with his toy free hand before presenting the small object to Leia as though he were showing her the royal jewels, "Poe gave it to me, 'e said if I was good I could pick out another one." The little boy yammers on, "I 'ave to get more medicine tomorrow. I don't wike it, it makes me feel gross and I throwed up wast time."

Leia's eyes are brimming with tears as she takes the truck from Luke's hands. Skywalker at her side watches with avid curiosity not quite understanding what is happening. He looks from his sister to Rey and then Luke. When his eyes fall back on Rey there's a question there, the lingering of something he needs to know, an important need to understand but they promised not in front of Luke.

"You sound like a very brave boy," Leia says softly, her voice hedged with something raw. She doesn't look at anyone but Luke and part of Rey is so deeply grateful for that fact. She doesn't know if she could handle Leia's gaze right now, not if she tried. The conversation that comes next will be difficult and emotional but for now it's about Luke. It will always be about Luke no matter what the outcome may be.

"Momma says that a wot." Luke says casually and Leia laughs.

"Well it must be true, your momma seems like a very smart lady." Rey isn't quite paying attention when Leia says it, she's looking at Skywalker who's sitting with his legs crossed casually on the chair beside Leia. When Rey finally meets Leia's gaze however there's something there that looks almost like understanding. She had braced herself for anger, for hostility and damning questions but all she's getting is that kind motherly smile and something that makes her chest warm and fluttery.

"She's the best," Luke cries with a glance over his shoulder, "She woves me more than anything, she tells me all the time."

Leia chuckles, "I bet she does."

When Finn shifts closer he slips an arm around Rey's shoulder hugging her tight against his body. His lips find her temple as he kisses her softly, she can feel his smile against her skin. She knows his meaning, the silent acceptance of her choices. He's there, he supports her, in any and every way she needs. "I'm proud of you Peanut," he whispers and it makes her feel good, warm even knowing that he approves, knowing she's doing the right thing.

Luke and Leia chatter amongst themselves, Leia asking him question after question about his life and his friends. She asks him all his favorites and drinks in the answers like a woman starving for information. She takes everything she's given, every blessed moment of Luke's rambling explanations. He's inherited to his mother's ability to tell five different stories all at once. Like a round-robin of information that tears through him as he regales her with stories of Poe's cooking and how Finn can't even make grill cheese. He tells her that he loves chocolate but not white chocolate because it's gross. He tells her that he gets in trouble all the time for taking things apart when he knows he's not supposed to. Skywalker, of course, interjects with his own tales of a little girl who was oddly similar in her penchant for the destruction of property when she was younger.

Luke tells Leia about his pet rock and how Poe said they could get a dog, they just needed to wear down Finn and mommy a bit first. He tells her that when he's well again they're going to go on a trip. News to Rey's ears, and that Grampa promised to shave his head too if he loses all his hair. He asks questions too, nonsensical things that four-year-olds want to know. What color her car is if she's ever climbed a mountain. Does she believe in ghosts? Logical and important questions that only a child would think to ask. Then Luke asks the big one, one that no one had been expecting him to ask, "Do you 'ave any kids?"

Leia smiles softly when she tells him yes, she has a boy who is an adult now. She doesn't tell him about Kylo, she doesn't mention that that boy had started his life a twin. Luke is too young to understand that, to hear stories of how for eight blissful years Leia had been the mother of two.

"Is 'e your son wike I'm mommy's son? Or is 'e your son wike Finn is Grampa's son?"

Leia seems lost on his meaning a moment, looking from Luke to Rey and then back again. "I'm Finn," says Finn at Rey's side, holding his hand up in greeting, "Rey and I grew up together. He means is Ben your son or your foster son."

Rey knows Leia has not said Ben's name so there's a moment of silence where everyone is sort of quiet. Skywalker is starting to boil over with questions, his foot bouncing incessantly against his knee as he watches this strange familial meeting. Leia on the other hand takes it in stride, "You know Ben…" she says softly.

"I've met him, once," he confirms, "I don't know that I left a good impression. Too much water and all that."

"So, are you two…" Leia nods between Rey and Finn who are sitting pressed close enough together that they might meld into one human being. Finn's arm is still draped over Rey's shoulder in a protective embrace when he seems to pick up on Leia's intended question.

"No," Finn offers quickly, "No, no," he shakes his head and presses a kiss to Rey's temple before shifting away, "Poe is my partner, Rey is my sister. We've helped Rey raise Luke since he was born. We're family just not like that."

"Ahh…" It's left unsaid but there's an underlying note of, we stepped up when your son didn't which Leia seems to grasp. "You're all so lucky to have one another. Family is… it's important in times like this." There's a soft sad smile that lingers before Leia returns all of her focus on Luke, "Ben is my son, my baby boy like you are your mommy's baby boy."

"If you 'ave a son, do you 'ave grandkids?" Luke asks curiously. He's leaning against Leia's leg now, his knees on the floor as he uses her lap as a table driving his truck along her thigh aimlessly.

Leia's eyes shift, they're hard and unreadable at first before she looks to Rey, "I hope so... someday soon," she says softly but not weakly. Rey follows her meaning with a nod before leaning in to pull Luke back onto her lap.

"Alright buddy, mommy, and Grampa are going to have a chat with Leia for just a minute and when I come back maybe we'll find a movie to watch?"

"Yeah," Luke cries with joy, "Finn can we watch dragons?"

Rey doesn't hear Finn's answer as Luke climbs off her lap and into Finn's embrace. Skywalker is the first to stand, cautiously holding his arm out to encourage Leia and Rey to take their leave first. The last one out he shuts the door with an audible click before wheeling around on Rey who already feels like she might shatter into a million pieces. Outside the room she feels like she can breathe again, her chest rising and falling as she gasps repeatedly for air trying hard to keep from hyperventilating. She did it, it happened and now came the hardest part. The part she had to do alone because she owed both Luke and Leia an explanation.

"He's Ben's." Without missing a beat, Leia jumps right in leaving Luke flabbergasted.

"What? What do you mean? Ben… that was the name of that guy Finn kept trying to find." Rey watches as the pieces fall in place, "Ben, your son Ben… Luke is…" wide blue eyes jump from Rey to Leia as he finally catches up. "Ben was the guy… my nephew."

No matter how much air she takes in it doesn't seem like it's enough. Her chest heaves as Leia places a hand at her back and rubs slow methodical circles. "Breath dear," she coos but no amount of air is enough. Rey is verging on an anxiety attack teetering on the edge of losing consciousness as she gasps and groans. Her throat feels thick and tight like something is slowly squeezing it restricting movement and airflow. Her hands claw at the pale scape of her neck when Luke takes control. He's seen this before, they've been down this road many times. Leveling her with his stare he forces her to look at him. It's hard because her eyes jump from one thing to the next but when they finally find Luke he's there and he's not moving. His hands are holding her upper arms, she registers the sensation of heat as his fingertips bite into her flesh. It's not painful but enough to remind her he's there. To anchor her to something.

When he speaks his voice is calm, soothing in a way that is reassuring and wraps around her heart like a hug, "You're ok," he tells her, "focus on my breathing," He takes over-exaggerated breaths, in and out, in and out nodding his head in encouragement as she tries to follow along. She's gasping but slower now as she pushes the air out through pursed lips, "That's it kiddo, focus on me," she's nodding softly as Luke's eyes pull her in, his words like a lullaby easing her racing mind. "You're doing good, I've got you." he tells her and she knows it to be true, "That's right, deep breaths, good."

The gasping turns to tears as she steadies herself and then sobs. Not loud or hard, just soft whimpering sounds like a wounded animal. He pulls her close, tucking her forehead against his shoulder as he shushes her and tells her to let it out. "You did so good kid… that couldn't have been easy."

Rey cries softly into his shoulder before she sniffs, "I'm so, so, sorry." She tells Luke as he holds her, as he rocks her, as he strokes the back of her head the way he use to when she was a child.

"Kid, the way I see it you have nothing to be sorry for." Rey can feel him move, maybe he's looking at Leia because his next words are clearly directed at her, "Right Leia?" It comes out almost as a challenge, maybe harsher then he intended to but Rey is his kid. He promised he would always protect her.

When he rocks back giving her space his hands cup her face. He's smiling but there are tears in his brilliant blue eyes. "I wish I'd known. I feel like this could have been avoided."

"No," Rey sobs against him, her hands clawing at his shoulders to pull him back against her. Needing just a little more, a little longer the comfort of his embrace.

This time when Rey pulls back it's Leia who's there. Leia whose hands are shaking, who looks like she's been crying, Leia with a head full of questions. "What a burden to carry," she whispers, "I'm going to hug you now ok?" When Rey nods Leia pulls her in tight. She hugs like Luke does, with her whole body and every ounce of her soul. She pulls Rey down against her in a way that is foreign outside their small circle as she whispers, "You've given me a gift."

The weight of her words settle into Rey's chest, not aggressive but sad. "I'm so sorry," Rey whispers, again and again, the words coming out in choked sobs as Leia shushes her and Luke squeezes her shoulder.

When all is said and done they're all crying, eyes puffy and red, chests heaving beneath the weight of their newfound ties. "Ben doesn't know, does he?" Leia asks as she dabs at the corner of her eye with the sleeve of her sweater.

"No, I don't know how to tell him."

"Leia I honestly can't even tell you the number of times she reached out to him," God bless Luke, always at her back, "We tried to find him. The number he gave was disconnected after a while."

"I called him I texted him and all I got was radio silence. I didn't know his last name to look him up. I didn't know his friend's names. He was a ghost." She hates the way her voice trembles, how it makes her seem so weak, "I…" She starts, swallowing her words, they burn like acid, "I didn't _want_ …" Luke has her hand, his fingers twined into his, "I didn't _want_ to keep him from his son." she says, her voice faltering beneath the weight of her emotion, "I didn't… I didn't want to raise my… our son on my own." Still the tears fall, slow and steady rivers of warm sadness, "Now he's sick," she sobs, "Now he's sick and how do I tell Ben that? How do I tell him he has a son who has cancer? That's not fair…"

"None of it's fair," With a fierceness Rey has only seen in mother lions on the discovery channel Leia cuts in. It's startling, there's a sharpness in her voice but it's not rude, it's not uncaring either it's just very to the point, "It's not fair that you've been forced to raise a child without a father. It's not fair that my son has missed out on almost five years of his son's life. It's not fair that Luke has to get pumped full of poison on the chance it might save him. None of this is fair." With a soft sigh Leia's tone shifts, "But it's what we have and it's more than most get. I can't tell you how Ben is going to react. What I can tell you is he's been different since you popped up in his life again. He's been… more awake. I don't know what you two shared, maybe it was just a one night stand." mumbling under her breath Leia adds, ' _though I taught him better than that_ ' "or maybe it was more and you're both just victims of circumstance. I don't know but what I do know is you have an obligation to that little boy to give him every chance you can. If a mysterious family member had fallen into our laps when Kylo was sick I would have moved heaven on earth to exhaust that option."

The mention of Kylo makes Rey feel exceedingly guilty. She'd been going through this with her head down letting her nose bump into all the different possible _what-ifs_ instead of looking around to see the forest for the trees. She'd done everything she could to find Ben, everything humanly possible. Luke had even looked into his contacts in the foster system despite Rey's hesitance. The same contacts he'd used to look into Rey's mother, both searches yielded fruitless results but he had tried and really that was all that had mattered. Knowing she had someone who cared enough to try. Now, she was faced with the possibility of helping her son should the transplant be necessary. She has a whole other gene pool at his disposal if they were willing and that in and of itself is reason to bolster hope.

Leia it turns out is a force of nature, the female role model Rey had always hoped for in her life. Not that Luke's friend Mara wasn't amazing and maternal but she always seemed to keep Luke's kids at a distance. It was hard in the beginning, with Rey and Rose and Finn and Paige. When Paige had passed away Mara had become a ghost in their lives. Rey overheard them one night, talking, or arguing about it really. Luke and Mara had been close, so close that most of her earlier memories were peppered with Mara's presence. It was too hard on her, losing them. They would age out and disappear. They weren't _their_ kids. The kid's Mara could never give him. Rey hadn't thought much about it at the time, she was young and selfish and coveted Luke's attention like the greedy little loveless creature she had been. Part of her had been glad not to have to share Luke with Mara but it was impossible not to notice how Luke's eyes got a little bit darker after that. He loved his kids without hesitance. He took in kids who needed homes for a few weeks or a few months. There was no shortage of noise and laugher and love in their house, but there was a shortage of motherly warmth.

Rey didn't realize how much she missed out on until this very moment. The moment Leia locked eyes with her and made her feel both chastised and pep talked all at once. She absolutely radiates maternal warmth and acceptance. Even now in this strange setting filled with uncertainty and boundless questions she simply smilies at Rey as though she's never been happier to know someone.

If Luke had taught her how to be loved, Leia was teaching how to love, and love with everything in her soul. In these past few minutes Leia has shown her the true meaning of selflessness. Rey robbed her of five prime Gramma years, of baby snuggles and that sweet newborn scent. Unintentional as it may have been she'd lost out on that and instead of being angry she swallowed Rey up in her boundless kindness. If she could manage to be half the woman, a quarter or the woman Leia is, Rey would be a better person for it.

"I'm not sure what to say to him, how to tell him," Rey offers

With a wry smile Leia says, "First you have to get him away from Gwen."

And then there's that, Gwen, perfect beautiful Gwen with her lilting laugh and her kind smile. Wait… does Leia not like Gwen?

"Don't even know why they're together," Leia merely continues, "Oh don't look at me like that." She snaps to Luke who throws his hands in the air in defense, "You met her the once, sure she's pretty and she's smart too, too smart manipulative even. She's just not right for him."

"A common complaint of mothers-in-law everywhere," Luke's sarcasm pulls Rey from her dwindling state of self-pity. His sentiments mimic her own. From all Rey has seen Gwen looks ever the part of perfect partner and daughter in law.

"Gwen Phasma is a great many things and she will make someone very happy someday. Someone who likes being put in their place and who doesn't mind a woman with ambition."

"She was great with Luke when we met her the other day?" Rey muses aloud.

"She's met, Luke?" There's something in Leia's tone that sill's Rey's heart. Like being dunked into cold water and held under for just a little too long. Her mind reels going over and over Gwen's interaction with Luke. Her tone, her smile, the way she'd laughed. It had all seemed friendly, congenial even. Rey always prided herself on being an observant human being, overprotective even when it came to her son. Was there something she had missed about Gwen? Was there malice masked there in her Julie Andrews ways? "Should I be worried?"

The moment it takes Leia to ponder is nerve-wracking, with a hesitant, "No…" Rey looses a breath, reflexively clenching and unclenching her fists in agitation, "I doubt she's bothered to look at any of Ben's baby pictures. If she had then… well I don't know." Before she goes too far Leia seems to stop herself, maybe she's picked up on Rey's mounting worry, maybe she's merely ruminating, "Oh Duckie," she coo's softly, "Gwen would never go out of her way to be horrible to the boy. She's not _evil._ "

"You certainly make her sound that way," Luke quips helplessly.

"Oh shut it," she swats at Luke who swats back childishly, "The woman likes control."

"Like someone else I know…"

"If you know what's good for you Luke Skywalker you'll watch your mouth," Leia points a ringed finger at her brother as she narrows her eyes. Luke it seems loves to antagonize his sister as much as he loves teasing everyone else, "You need to talk with Ben alone, let him meet Luke," picking up on Rey's mounting anxiety Leia adds, "And soon, but without Gwen present. If I know Gwen Phasma she'll keep Ben away from Luke until she has found some way to work him to her advantage."

"She told Ben to ask me out to dinner though."

"Did she now…" Leia looks almost impressed, "A power play by Phasma, she doesn't think he'll do it," She explains, "That's your opportunity there. Take him up on it, go out and have a nice meal and tell him than without the blonde harpy hovering over your shoulder."

Rey has to stifle a laugh as Leia waves her hand airily, "If you think…"

"I don't think darling, I know." Switching gears quickly, "Luke are you coming up tonight? Han thinks he's throwing a party and Kanata is going along with it. It's dangerous indulging that man's whims." Leia chuckles to herself as though she would never dream of doing such a thing.

"I was planning on it, Rey why don't you come up with me? You can have a quick chat with Ben?"

The idea of leaving Luke alone so she can go and rub elbows with Han and the rest doesn't settle well with her. Especially not with tomorrow being Luke's next chemo session. Then again, maybe she _should_ go specifically for that reason. Lord knows when she'll feel comfortable leaving his side again after this round of chemo. Or how his body will react this time…

Dinner with Ben, while it sounds nice, is more of a fallacy than anything else. Rey won't leave the hospital for long enough to get cleaned up and go out. How can they even think it's a good idea when it means time away from the hospital and away from Luke. Yes, she owes Ben the truth but she owes Luke more than a mother who rushes off at the first opportunity to dine with… with… A man like _Ben_.

But, just what kind of man is he, truly? Dinner would allow her to learn more about him but it seems too informal a place for something as personal as finding out you have a child you've never known about. It's a nice idea but in the end, she finds herself dwelling on its merits practically

"No…" Rey offers softly. She finds the idea of avoiding Ben and Gwen more appealing than it likely should be. The way Ben looks at her is off-putting, the way he doesn't even bother to hide it from Gwen is worse. "I'm going to tuck in and watch a movie with Finn and Luke, I think Poe's off shift around seven so he's going to stop in too."

Taking Rey's hand in her own Leia gives it a light squeeze, "I understand but please reconsider coming up later." There's a question lingering in Leia's deep eyes as she allows her lips to quirk in a soft albeit kind smile, "It would be nice if you could tell Han."

"Before his surgery?"

"Show him Luke's picture, tell Han about him, please?"

Rey struggles against the idea. Leia is already one person more then should know before Ben. How would he react if he knew she told both his parents before him?

It's hard to say no though when Leia is looking at her like this like Rey holds the key to Han making it his surgery. Like She holds the key to all of it, their future and their happily ever after.

"Consider it,"

Rey nods, of course, she'll think about it, no harm ever came from consideration. They exchange numbers, Leia promising she'll pass Rey's on to Ben and get him to reach out so they can arrange a dinner date. _Date_ being Leia's presumptuous term. Rey would have been happy to have dinner in the cafeteria but a conversation of this nature requires far more privacy than her place of work filled with coworkers and her son's doctors. With a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek Leia takes her leave. Luke promises he'll be up a bit later and that he'll cancel the strippers. Leia simply groans and swats at her brother before bidding them a fond goodbye.

When it's just Luke and Rey left in the hallway Skywalker turns on her with eyes clouded and heavy. "I wish I'd known," he tells her solemnly, no accusation, no pretense, just a fathers wish that he could have done more. Rey doesn't tell him he's doesn't need to be sorry, she doesn't tell him it's not his fault. These are things he knows things logically he is already aware of. All she does is hug him. Hug him and whisper her thanks because Luke is the one who taught her what love means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you again to everyone who's left a comment or a Kudos or taken the time to read.   
> Ben's revelation is coming and your comments have really helped to solidify my direction.
> 
> If you liked it, let me know!   
> <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You- You mean we’re cousins?” he almost whispers as he peers around to make sure no one can overhear them. His eyes are wild and filled with panic, glittering beneath the ambient hospital lighting, “Fuck,” oh there’s the Ben Solo she knows, “Fuck,” he mutters again running a hand through his hair, “Dad, he… oh, Jesus, Dad put two and two together. He knows we slept together.”
> 
> “Several times,” She offers unhelpfully and Ben makes a noise that almost sounds like he’s whimpering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're ALMOST there, promise, next chapter it's happening. Don't be too upset with our girl, she's struggling hard with this...

About half an hour into How to Train Your Dragon Luke is out like a light. He’s curled into Poe who managed to arrive just in time for the movie to start. They’d brought in a little flat screen from home and hooked up a DVD player in the corner so Luke could watch some of his favorites on those days he’s trapped in bed with nothing to do but vomit and sleep and cry.

Once he’s out Poe pulls his little body closer for some well-earned snuggles. While all this has been vicious on Rey she never actually sat back to consider how hard it must be for Poe and Finn. While she’s able to take time off for compassionate care leave Finn and Poe have no such rights. They’re forced to take vacation or continue their lives as though nothing has changed. It’s a joke really because nothing it seems will ever be quite the same again. 

Poe’s shifts are long and hard but sometimes they take him by the hospital. While he’s not technically supposed to go visiting when he has a moment he usually stops in dragging his partner Snap along with him. Snap and his wife Quorra have been friends of theirs for years so he doesn’t say much when they linger a little longer than necessary.

Finn has his computer sitting on his lap, his ear pods plugged in as he hammers away at his keyboard. He looks up from time to time catching something on the tv that makes him smile but it's short-lived. Despite everything that's going on, Finn still has deadlines to meet. It would be easier to finish up at the house but he finds it too quiet, too empty when half of his family spends most of their time at the hospital.

Rey hasn’t told either of them yet that she plans on confessing to Ben. They’ll support her, it isn’t even a question but there are some conversations she’s just not ready to have quite yet. She only briefly mentions slipping out to say hello to Han before his surgery. Skywalker left a little earlier, just before Luke started to fall asleep with a promise to text Rey when Ben was gone for the night. 

The text comes in closer to nine. Poe has himself wrapped around Luke’s sleeping body slowly drifting off as Finn closes the lid on his laptop. 

“I’ll stay until you get back,” he mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. He’s tired, they all are… It feels like an eternity since they’ve had any idea of what normal should look like for their family. “Poe can come get me in the morning.”

No one has slept under the same roof in weeks. Rey hasn’t actually left the hospital in just as long. It’s strange and unnatural and maybe they’re right about her getting out? 

She has the path to Han’s room memorized now. There have been several sleepless nights she’s walked the halls with no intended destination to find herself lingering outside his room. It’s a little creepy when she thinks about it but maybe there’s more to it than that. This pull she feels to Ben, maybe it extends to Han and Leia as well. A need for _family_ her subconscious has been playing on repeat since she met them. 

Her phone chimes as she steps onto the elevator. It’s a number she doesn’t recognize but the three little words that follow ignite in her veins like sparking wildfire.

_ <Unknown: Hey, it’s Ben> _

All she can do is stand and stare, her thumb hovering over the screen unsure whether to not she should swipe or ignore. It’s not a shock, at least it shouldn’t be, she knew it was coming. She should have been prepared for this and she was. She just wasn’t prepared for the strange bubbling of joy that erupts in her chest when the text lights up her screen. Joy that distracts her when the elevator doors open and her feet slip onto tiled flooring again bringing her crashing into a rather broad, rather firm chest. 

She's startled from her strange elation as the impact of the collision causes her to both stumble back and lose her phone at the same time. Shock brings her back into her body as she blinks once, twice, three times taking in the brick wall of a body she’s just bumped into. Tall, with dark tousled hair that looks like someone’s been running their hairs through it endlessly. Dark eyes, full mouth, toothy grin… _Ben._

“I’m so…” he starts, clearly not realizing who she is as he bends to pick up her phone for her. His message is still hovering traitorously on the screen above another that’s clearly only just come in. 

_< Luke: Ben came back, maybe wait a minute>_

“Rey,” he offers softly, his lips upturned in a sweet sort of smile, “You avoiding me?” Ben asks with a chuckle as he hands the phone back over to her. He doesn’t seem upset by the idea, but more of less amused.

Rey However has no idea how to respond because yes, truthfully she was avoiding him. She was avoiding both him and Gwen and any awkward sort of situation that might follow that meeting. She’s maxed out on drama and emotional confusion for one day. For one week really and _why_ is he looking at her like that?

“Is that your son?” He asks casually, nodding to the phone she has closed tightly in her grasp. On the screen behind the text message is a picture of Luke that she took at the Zoo in Coruscant just a week before he had been admitted to the hospital. There’s a monkey taking fruit from his hand as he laughs, his smile broad and bright and lined with impossibly sweet dimples. She knows this because she’s seen the picture hundreds of times. She has the image etched into her brain, the way Luke’s eyes light up with wonder as the small creature interacts with him. Thankfully the text messages obscure Ben’s view of Luke’s face showing only the top of a dark mop of hair and the rest of him from the neck down. Still, the idea of being outed without warning makes her nervous.

“Uh… yeah. yeah, we were at the Zoo in Coruscant,” she offers, “About a month or so ago with my sister Rose,” One of their monthly visits that they try hard to keep up with. 

Ben nods as though he understands, what exactly it is he understands she’s not entirely sure. It seems more an idle gesture than anything else but he’s moving on quickly, “So, How do you know Luke?” 

It doesn’t even occur to her how it might come across as the answer falls from her lips as simple as, “Oh, uh, he’s my father?” offering him the truth of the matter. 

“What?!” The level of shock in Ben’s voice seems entirely unwarranted until Rey realizes the implications of what she's just said. Then it just seems funny. 

“I guess you should have answered my texts,” she quips lightly, trying not to enjoy this too much. Ben however is not enjoying this at all. His face has dropped and he almost looks pale, his chest heaving as he tugs nervously at the knot of his tie still hanging from the collar of his deep blue button-down. She hadn’t realized before but he looks like he may have come straight to the hospital from work. Maybe he had a meeting like Gwen, or… well, it doesn’t really matter because whatever the reason he looks good. Really good, even though it also looks like he may have a stoke at any minute. 

“You- You mean we’re cousins?” he almost whispers as he peers around to make sure no one can overhear them. His eyes are wild and filled with panic, glittering beneath the ambient hospital lighting, “Fuck,” oh _there’s_ the Ben Solo she knows, “Fuck,” he mutters again running a hand through his hair, “Dad, he… oh, _Jesus_ , Dad put two and two together. He knows we slept together.”

“Several times,” She offers unhelpfully and Ben makes a noise that almost sounds like he’s whimpering. 

“Oh god… so… so… we’re cousins?” Yep, he looks like he’s going to be sick, “I didn’t get any text messages, I told you that already. I didn’t get anything at all, no calls, no messages. I went back looking for you but I couldn’t find you. I went to your apartment and there was someone else living there. I asked my friends if they knew you…”

She really is getting too much enjoyment out of this, it’s almost cruel watching Ben completely come on done over the issue, “Is that why you wouldn’t go out to dinner with me?”

While part of her wants to allow this to go on, the rational and kind part of her wins out, “Oh, stop it,” she chides with a soft smile, “Luke is my foster father. We don’t share DNA so it’s only weird if you let it be.” 

Ben lets out so shuddered breath that sounds a little like, “ _Fuuuuuuuuuck me_ ,” as he fiddles with his tie trying to set himself to rights. Rey can’t help but snicker as Ben looks away from her trying to regain his composure. She had him and while it may have been cruel it was also quite amusing. Even Ben seems to find the humor in it after he manages to settle himself, “That was mean,” he chuckles as he quirks a brow. “Why didn’t you want to go to dinner then?”

This, this right here is exactly what she wanted to avoid, Ben and his penetrating stare, his full mouth and the undeniable pull she feels towards him. “It didn’t seem like a good idea,” Rey mumbles.

“And now?”

“It still doesn’t,” she admits.

“But you’ve reconsidered?” 

“I have.” 

“So… are you free tomorrow night?”

Tomorrow night, he doesn’t waste time does he? “I… can’t…”

Ben makes a face that's half disbelief half impatient acceptance, “Right…” 

He doesn't need to look like that like she’s just told him his suit looks hideous. It doesn’t, it makes him look like a proper gentleman the way it clings to his body in all the right places. If Rey’s honest with herself it’s making it very difficult to keep her hands to herself. Not that she has a deep-seated urge to manhandle him. Just… run her hands over the lapels of his jacket and straighten his tie that he has thoroughly messed up. 

“No, I do want to, it’s just,” _tell him the truth Rey_ , her mind whispers, he’s going to find out soon enough, “My son has his second round of chemo tomorrow,” the words sound traitorous coming from her mouth, “He didn’t respond well to the first round so I just… I want to be here tomorrow night.” 

Ben’s eyes soften his mouth slackening as he wets his lips subconsciously, his mouth hanging agape. He obviously hadn’t expected that as an answer, “I…” his voice trembles just a little, “I’m so sorry. Are you ok?” 

Rey can see Luke poke his head out of Han’s doorway only to quickly duck back in. He doesn’t want to get involved, he won’t get involved and he’ll keep Leia at bay. Tie her to a chair if he needs to. “No,” she’s not about to lie, not when they’re so close to the truth but her voice shakes and her chest feels heavy. A deep part of her wants him to hug her, wants him to hold her. 

Because she's so desperately worried about her son, _their_ son… Luke. 

Suddenly she ’s never felt so surrounded by people and yet so utterly _alone._

“I could… bring something in,” Ben offers softly, “We could eat here if you wanted,” There’s that cautious boy again, the one who said such beautiful things, who touched her so tenderly. The one who broke her heart. 

“I appreciate it but no,” she can’t risk him seeing Luke before she has a chance to tell him. She can’t risk his reaction, risk Luke’s reaction, “Going out would be nice, I haven’t actually left the hospital… well at all.”

“You’ve been staying here?”

Rey nods, “I have your number now though, I can text you after Luke’s chemo?” It’s an olive branch that she hopes he’ll take.

“Yeah, absolutely, definitely, whatever works for you,” the rambling is sweet as Ben fidgets again with his tie, “So Luke… the Doctor you were with,”  


“Cassian, Doctor Andor, he’s my son’s doctor.”

“Luke’s doctor…”

“Yes, he’s one of them anyway.”

Ben mutters something about _servicing_ the mother's needs as well that Rey almost misses, “He thought I was there to see your son?” 

Rey has to think a moment, so much has happened in such a short period of time. They’d only gone for coffee earlier in the day and already it feels like it was weeks ago, “Yes…” she says slowly, leaving out the part where he thought Ben was actually there to see _his_ son. 

“Ok, ok… Luke who you obviously named after your foster father who is also my uncle…” Rey wants to offer him a sticker for being able to follow along so well but leaves it alone. Sarcasm will do her no good in this situation. 

“Yes,”

“Strange to find out we’re so connected after all this time, it would have made it so much easier to find you.” When his voice dips off Ben looks at his feet, almost bashful, “I did try and find you,”

“Ben…” Rey warns, she doesn’t want to do this now. She doesn’t want to do it _ever_ if she’s being honest. Why he feels it necessary to bring all this up is infuriatingly painful. Then again, she did sort of start it, “You left a note, you disappeared…”

“My dad had a heart attack,” he blurts out suddenly. “My phone was dead, I plugged it in and then… well you know what happened. When I woke up the next morning… my phone had been on silent and I had so many missed calls and texts. My father had a heart attack that night and I was with _you_.” he almost sounds like he regrets it but he’s shaking his head, “I don’t… There are a lot of things I would do differently now. I’ve played that night over in my head so many times… Leaving you that morning was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I wanted to lay there and hold you for as long you'd let me. I wanted to wake you up…” his voice dies off, his cheeks tinged pink, “I’ve dreamt about waking you up with my head between your thighs, the taste of you on my tongue. I use to play back that night so I wouldn’t lose the sound of your voice or the feel of your lips. I shouldn’t, it shouldn’t mean so much to me, it was one night five years ago and yet I have you _tattooed_ under my skin. If you called then I’m sorry I was very preoccupied. Then my crazy ex started up again and… Baz stole my phone that’s why I never got your texts. I had to get a new number…” he’s rambling on now, embarrassed but spurred on by the truth.

Without thinking Rey reaches out to grab his hand. Her fingers slide across his palm as she encloses it in her grasp. “It’s _ok_ ,” she tells him even though it’s not. The urge to comfort him is strong and needles at her guilt and anger, “I’m sorry, I am. I didn’t mean to make it all about me,” When she brings his hand to her cheek she presses his knuckles against her skin for just a moment. He’s so warm, even this small piece of him and if she closes her eyes for just a moment she might be able to fool herself into thinking that this small piece of him is enough. 

The moment is fleeting, too precious, and yet too indecent to be held onto. Ben isn’t hers, she has no right to his hands, or his smile, or his affection. She’s simple feasting on the scraps he so carelessly gives like a feral cat so desperate for affection. 

“Rey…” he whispers.

And she smiles. It's too much, “Go home Ben. It was five years ago, we’re different people now. Go be with Gwen and I’ll text you tomorrow. I promise. Look, I’ll even text you back right now so we both know we have the right number.” Dropping his hand she unlocks her screen and types out a quick.

_ <Rey: Hi Ben, it’s Rey.”>_

When his phone chimes in his pocket and Ben smiles. “Alright then. Is it ok if I text you tomorrow to see how Luke’s chemo went?”

Her heart does a little jump in her chest, he’ll never quite understand what such a simple offer could mean to her but she smiles and nods and then she grins, “That would be nice,” she tells him earnestly, “And let me know how Han’s surgery goes?”

“Of course.” 

It almost feels like something has shifted when he pulls away, pressing the button on the elevator as though its the absolute last thing he wants to do. He smiles at her again as he slips into the metal cage and when he’s gone it feels a little like her heart might explode in her chest. These are dangerous feelings to have, this budding affection that truthfully has never really gone away. Like a sleeping dragon hoarding it's pile of gold it slumbered and now that it's awake all it wants is _more_.

Shaking herself as she prepares for the questions sure to come the minute she pushes into Hans's room. There are no questions though, just smiling faces and Han’s cheerful, “Hey kid! You made it.” as he beckons her over to the bed. Doctor Kanata is sitting in the corner with a glass of what looks like whiskey. She swirls the contents in the cup around as she holds it aloft in silent greeting. 

Luke is sitting in a chair by Han’s side while Leia perches on the side of the bed holding Han’s hand as Rey approaches. “Leia here tells me you have something you need to tell me, sounds serious,” 

“You didn’t…?”

“Not my story to tell.” Leia chirps softly giving Han’s hand a squeeze.

“Very ominous, whattya got to tell me kid?”

It almost feels like she’s being backed into a corner. It’s not that she doesn’t want to tell Han but she just had the opportunity to tell Ben and she didn’t, now she’s supposed to tell his father? It seems so backward and wrong to do it this way. Like she’s betraying Ben in some way. 

She’s really made a mess of things and all for what? 

Luke has his hand on her knee and he's smiling at her the way Luke often does. That soft encouraging grin that always seems to let her know everything is going to be ok in the end. 

“It doesn’t feel right,” she says softly, glancing at Luke. 

He gives her leg a soft squeeze and the nods, “It’s ok,” but it’s not and now it’s too far gone. 

Han chuckles awkwardly, “Well, now you gotta tell me,” 

The words die on her tongue as she tries to no avail to figure out how to tell him. To tell Han that he has a grandson he’s known nothing about. Saying the words out loud still seems far too difficult. Leia had been easier, the conversation came after the fact. Showing her had been a gamble but it had paid off in the end.

Showing him. That’s how she was going to do this.

Pulling her phone out quickly she swipes through her images until she finds a good picture of Luke. They’re all good, sweet, and funny and filled with memories but she needs one that shows off his face clearly. One that might accent his ears or the dimples that frame his mouth when he smiles. She finds one of him at the pool. It was his first time swimming on his own. He was proud of himself for going under and not being scared. His wet hair is slicked back of his face highlighting his ears while he grins at the camera. His eyes aren’t so obvious but they aren’t really the selling feature here. 

After a deep breath she hands the phone to Han who takes it carefully, “Leia, get my glasses will you?” he asks, holding the device away from his face as he tries to better focus on the screen. After he has his glasses perched atop his nose it takes a moment before he laughs again, “Shit, Leia, you see this?” he’s gesturing with the phone towards his wife, “This kid is the spitting image of Benny when he was a kid,” 

“That’s Luke,” Rey says softly. 

“Your kid Luke?” Rey nods once as Han slides his glasses off his face. He’s holding her phone like a torch in his hand as he mulls through the information, “Your kid… the one who…”

“Yeah, the one with Leukemia,” she offers.

Han looks to Leia and then back at Rey, he’s almost there he just seems like he’s tripping over the information. Like maybe he knows but he doesn’t want to admit it, he doesn’t want to get there, “He looks an awful lot like…” 

“Like his dad,” Rey says and Han nods softly.

“Like his dad,” he repeats. 

“Luke’s Ben’s son Han,” Leia confirms. 

“Ben’s son… Luke is… he’s Ben’s son.” his words come slow and careful as if he’s afraid he’s going to make a mistake. “What… Ho… Why didn’t you tell us?” 

“I was afraid,” she offers softly as Luke’s hand gives her knee another soft squeeze. “I was here and then he was sick and Ben… I …”

“Benny doesn’t know does he?” Han asks quickly.

Rey shakes her head, her eyes lined with tears again. How she has anything left is beyond her. Maybe something to do with the human body being made up of eighty percent water, “I’m going to tell him, I just need to get through tomorrow first.”

“Tomorrow.” Han parrots again.

“Luke has his second round of chemo. I need to see him through that first and then I’ll tell Ben. I want… I want Luke to be… I don’t want Ben to see him at the worst.”

“He’s seen it before kid,”

“Exactly, there will be plenty of opportunities for him to see Luke suffering but the first time he meets him… I’d… I’d like Luke to be… to look… I like Luke to be able to smile.” 

“You’re making a lot of calls for other people there kid,” Han doesn’t sound angry so much as he does upset. Maybe hurt. His tone is clipped as he hands back Rey’s phone, “I respect that you’re putting your kid first but all due respect my son deserves a chance to know his kid.”

“I know,” she offers with a sniffle, “I know he does, I want him to.”

“So… what are you waiting for? I don't mean to be crass but we've been down this road before and things can... well they can go wrong.”

“Han…”

“Don’t you Han me Leia. I've been through the heartbreak of losing a kid. How do you think Ben is going to feel if he meets his son only to lose him. I'm not saying an extra week is a long time but it's better than nothing. What would you give for just one more day with Kylo? If you thought it was a good idea to let her tell us before she told Ben you’re fooling yourself.”

“Han, give Rey a bit of a break will you?” Luke hedges.

“And how long did you know about this?” 

“Luke only found out today, I promise,” Rey offers trying desperately to appease Han’s agitation. It’s warranted but it feels no less harsh hearing her own thoughts spoken back to her. 

“Look, Kid, I like you, I do and I appreciate you telling me the truth, us the truth but you gotta tell Ben.” 

“I will,” she promises.

Maz’s voice cuts through the air like a firecracker as she barks at Han to back down. “That’s enough you old fool,” Doctor Kanata pushes away from her corner as she sets her empty glass down on the window cill, “She met you all, and found out her kid was sick on the same day, you might want to cut her some slack.”

“This is a family business Maz, keep your big nose out of this,” Han grumbles.

“You watch the way you talk to me Solo, I still outrank you,” she threatens, “I’m just saying, there’s no easy way through any of this and while Ben deserves to know and has his rights the only person in this situation that matters is Luke. So. Now you know. Once Ben knows then you all can rally around that little boy because he's going to need every last one of you for support.”

“I have a grandson,” He mutters carefully. His smile is quiet but grows as he looks at Leia, “We have a grandson,” 

“We do.”

“Alright, show us more pictures then.”

They pass the evening flicking through Rey’s phone going over details and telling stories. Rey learns a little bit about what Ben was like as a kid while she and Luke fill Leia and Han in one little Luke’s earlier years. They go through picture after picture talking about how much he looks like Ben but also picking out the areas Luke most resembles Rey as well. It’s nice being able to have this. She might not be their daughter in law but she at least has this and Luke will have them. 

It’s late when Rey and Luke head back downstairs. Luke walks with his arm around her telling her how proud he is. They bump hips as he kisses the side of her head. 

Poe and Finn are both out like a light by the time they get back. Poe is still curled around Luke peacefully while Finn snoozes in the recliner next to the bed. They look calm like this not overwhelmed or overtaxed as they have in the days before. 

“I think I’ll just crash in the room next door,” Rey tells Luke softly as she drapes a blanket across Finn’s sleeping form. He doesn’t stir at all as he mumbles in his sleep, “You should head back to the house and get some rest.”

“Come with me.” Luke urges and for a second she’s almost tempted. The idea of sleeping in her own bed sounds like a dream. A fantasy really. 

“I can’t, I have to be here for Luke.”

“He looks well taken care of. I’m writing a note and you’re coming home. You can get a shower, sleep in your own bed and I’ll take you back in the morning. 

“Finn…” she tries.

“Finn won’t mind believe me. He’ll be more than happy to hear you actually got a decent night's sleep for once. They have him Rey. They’ve had him his entire life,” Skywalker's eyes are wide and pleading as he takes her hand, “Rey… come on. Let me take care of you.” 

Reluctantly she nods. They write a quick note to the boys leaving it on Finn’s laptop. It’s the first place he’s sure to look when he opens his eyes. They promise to bring smoothies and treats for a healthy pre-chemo breakfast. A way to ease the guilt of leaving the hospital. 

It’s not late when they pull into the driveway. It’s barely passed ten-thirty actually but it feels like its two in the morning. Rey’s body aches as though the mere sight of their home reminds it of all the stress and hardship it’s endured. She takes a bath which is glorious while Luke grabs her a glass of wine. It seems indulgent but she barely finishes the merger offering before she’s falling asleep amidst the bubbles. 

Luke wakes her sometime later with a knock at the door. She doesn’t get to finish her glass but it doesn’t matter. It was less about the alcohol and more about the act of taking care of herself. 

Cassian would be proud if she told him. She should tell him. 

Without thinking she grabs her phone and takes a quick bathtub selfie before getting out. The bubbles waft around her chin and stick to her face a bit making her look like several years younger. There’s nothing lewd about the picture, if anything the bubbles sticking to her face make her look a little goofy. They draw away from the dark circles under her eyes and the obvious sleepless state. 

He’d given her his cell number the other day and would text her from time to time. Simple things like asking after Luke’s health or how she was feeling. There's a to of stuff there she needed to wade through but too much to unpack tonight. Instead she sends off the selfie without thinking of its possible implications. 

_ <Rey: Took a little time to myself, thought you'd be proud> _

That night she sleeps in her own bed, it's warm and familiar, and her pajamas feel like heaven. She ignores her phone for the first time in weeks, if it’s important they’ll call her, and sleep has never felt so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried really hard to keep this light and not so angsty, my headspace has been super off but I also didn't want EVERYONE giving Rey a break on this so lemme know what you think darlings xo  
> OH and I has [The Twitter](https://twitter.com/ABeautifulBrea1) now folks, come say hiiii


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s pacing before she can stop herself, her hands shaking as she clenches and unclenches her fists. Rip off the bandaid, her mind screams at her but she can’t just say it... Can she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry kats and kittens, writers block hit me hard. Too much ugly and I didn't want this to come out as one huge ball of angst. Which may have happened anyway. I'll let you all be the judge. I'm still iffy on this bit but... well read on darlings and let me know how you feel  
> On a more positive note, your comments! Oh my god thank you!! I know people are frustrated with Rey. Rey is frustrated with Rey at this point but I hope she will earn back your love and trust
> 
> Also, friends blissfully my knowledge and exposure to Cancer and treatments are limited so bare that in mind when you read <3

“Did you get me Zori’s?” Luke’s little voice chimes as she enters his room the next day. He’s animated and bright as he hops down out of his bed and throws his arms around his mother's waist. She accepts the embrace greedily handing off the trey of smoothies to Skywalker so she can scoop Luke up in her arms. 

He’s tiny and warm and smells like the sterile hospital cleaner but there’s something sweet underneath it all. Something inherently Luke. He’s perfect. He’s absolutely perfect. It takes everything in her not to squeeze him too tight. Her arms wrapping around him selfishly. She’ll never get enough of this, like an addict clinging to him for a fix. Some of that good stuff. A mix of her and Ben that somehow made this perfect little creature. 

There’s a pang of guilt there as she holds him, swinging him just a little, his legs hanging against her hip. Ben has never gotten to experience this, this euphoric sort of joy that one gets from holding their child. From smelling their hair. Rey used to do it when he was a baby, asleep in her arms so content she simply couldn’t fathom putting him down. She would press her nose into the crown of his head, let his soft wisps of dark hair tickle her nose, and just… breathe him in. 

Even now, almost five she presses her nose against the side of his head, kissing his temple as she allows his existence to wash over her. She robbed Ben of this, or… was that her fault she couldn’t find him? She’d tried hadn't she?

She had, that wasn’t her fault but the last few weeks… those were absolutely on her. She owed him that, those weeks back. That lost time she’d stolen like a confused thief. Her morals skewed, her fear guiding her.

Sleep it turns out was exactly what Rey needed because now she can see things clearly. Her mistakes highlighted in gaudy pink and yellow pointing out that fear didn’t give her the right to keep something so precious to herself. She needs to text Ben… He needs to know now, not later… or maybe… maybe she can just get through chemo first. Maybe they can talk while Luke naps after his body has been pumped full of chemicals. But, Ben deserves to see him now like this… happy and surrounded by loved ones, awake and alert and smiling. Her mind reels and bounces like a stone skipped over water. Each idea, each thought causing ripple after ripple. 

Today, it will happen _today._ She will walk into this with her head held high. She will do the right thing, for Luke, for Ben, for _everyone_.

A quick glance at the clock over Luke’s shoulder makes her mind up for her, there are only forty-five minutes before his next round of chemo, that’s not enough time. She’ll text him once Luke is settled and ask him to meet. 

She has a plan, a well-rested plan so now she can walk into this with clarity of mind totally unafraid. 

Well… maybe _mostly_ unafraid. 

“No fair mommy, you got to go ‘ome,” Luke pouts as he nuzzles into her neck for good measure. The thing about children is they say whatever is on their mind. Luke’s brain to mouth filter is utterly nonexistent and while it can be nerve-wracking at times she’d never change a thing about it. He has all the time in the world to grow up and learn when to say and not say certain things. For now, she’ll allow him his liberties. 

“Buuuut I brought you a smoothie,” she sings as Skywalker sets down the drinks at the side table and starts doling out the baked goods. They brought muffins, croissants, fluffy turnovers, and an assortment of other baked delights. Some filled with strawberry others with spiced apple. Zori, the owner of the bakery is a dear friend of Poe’s and when Rey walked in that morning Zori filled her bag with far more pastries then any one person should be in possession of. 

It’s a veritable cornucopia of sweets and treasures meant to uplift and fill with joy on a difficult morning like this, “Zori sends her love,” She shares with the group, a comment directed at not one and everyone simultaneously, “Finn, there’s a change of clothes for you in the backpack by the door,” she nods over her shoulder as she swoops Luke around in her arms. He laughs and grabs her face. His little hands pressed into her cheeks forcing her lips into a distorted sort of fish face as he swoops in for a kiss. It’s sloppy and wet and followed by a raspberry before he wiggles out of her arms leaving Rey to wipe away the access slobber. 

“Did she give you too many smoothies?” Poe asks offhandedly as he picks up a disturbingly green cup. Kale and several other far too healthy things make the color of his drink look more like mermaid puke then something edible. It’s hard not to turn up her nose at it as Poe takes a long drawn out slurp. 

“No, one’s for Cassian, he’s supposed to stop by before Luke’s session,” Rey explains casually. 

Poe and Finn share a look that does not go unnoticed while Skywalker offers Luke a chocolate-covered croissant adding, “Doctor Andor is a kind man,” and leaving it at that.

“Should Luke be having something so rich before chemo?” Finn has his dress shirt unbuttoned and pulled from the waist of his trousers. Luke, wide-eyed holds his treat away from Finn defiantly taking a bite as he stares Finn down, “Cheeky little brat,” he muses making quick work of changing his shirt, pulling on an old band tee that Rey brought him from home. 

“He’ll be ok, it’s not heavy.” A voice calls from the doorway, soft and accented, “Carbs are actually the best thing for him right now, yogurt too but a smoothie is also a good choice.” 

“Doctor Andor!” Luke cries, his face smeared with chocolate, his fingers sticky. Cassian doesn’t seem to care in the slightest as Luke’s little fingers tug at his pristine lab coat, “We gonna fight the monster today!” he cries as Cassian drops into a crouch next to him.

“We are, you think you got enough fight in you?” his eyes are large and dark like melted chocolate. Glittering with childlike enthusiasm as he uses a thumb to affectionately wipe away the trace of chocolate lining Luke’s bottom lip.

“I…” Luke stops, looking back to Rey, his joy muted just a moment. She can see the way his confidence wavers, as though the memory of days spent crying and vomiting have left their mark on his poor little body, “I think so,” he says but his eyes find hers and never leave. He needs her to tell him it’ll be ok, that he can do this because she is his mother and she knows all. She will protect him from this monster when his body is too weak to fight. She is his knight in shining armor.

“We got this,” she offers him with a nod. Cassian’s eyes are on her too now, a sweet almost affectionate smile on his lips as he raises to his feet.

“Maybe you should have another one just in case,” the Doctor says conspiratorially, “So you have your strength for this,” 

Luke nods eagerly, his little eyes wide as he searches the table strew with sweets. After deciding carefully on an apple turn over he climbs into his grandfather's lap to enjoy as Cassian gravitates to Rey’s side. 

Handing him a smoothie she takes a quick sip from her own. Cassian never responded to her text which was ok. She's almost glad he chose to ignore it. It was a silly decision, something foolishly done at the point of near exhaustion. Even if Cassian was interested in her in a way that was beyond the plutonic, sending him a bathtub selfie was a teenage move at best. She knows better and he is thankfully kind enough not to make an issue of it. Maybe he wasn’t interested in her after all, maybe she’d read the signs wrong? 

It didn’t matter anyway, this isn't about finding a life partner, she's here to help her son and Cassian is a solid part of that team. She can’t, no matter how his eyes find hers or how his touch lingers, let her desire for affection get in the way of her son's care. 

Yes, sleep was exactly what Rey needed. The whole world around her now glitters in sparkling clarity as Cassian accepts the smoothie with a very Cassian like grin. His fingers linger a moment, sliding alongside her own as he offers her a kind smile, and thanks. No… she will not get swept up in those eyes, she will not allow those dark eyes to swallow her…

She can see Poe and Finn watching from their position on Luke’s bed. Their expressions mirrored, brows quirked in question. It’s a little like being too seen but incredibly validating at the same time. They see it too, the way his smile softens, or how he brushes her hair off her shoulder. Hair that she’s left down for the first time in weeks because it’s clean and she wanted to feel like a person for once. She put jeans on too, not the skinny show off her assets kind but a pair of comfortable overalls with the legs rolled up, holes tattered in the knee. It was a compromise between comfortable leggings and jeans that match the need to feel a little more put together. They hug her hips sure but they don’t exactly scream sex appeal. It’s a win-win. 

Cassian’s fingers slide along her neck in a way that's almost too private for such a public setting like this. It’s soft and quick, not obvious, at least she doesn’t think it is, Poe and Finn aren’t watching anymore and Luke is bouncing in Skywalkers lap animatedly. The only one aware of the action seems to be Rey and Cassian too of course. 

“You ready for today?” he asks softly. He knows she means the chemo but there’s a darker part of her that wonders if his words might have some secret meaning. The back of his knuckle slides down her tricep before disappearing in an instant and what was it he was saying?

“Oh… yeah,I mean… I have no choice right?” she coughs to clear her throat hoping her voice sounds stronger then she feels. “I… I’m going to tell him,” she suddenly confesses, “Ben I mean… today. It… He…” She can feel Cassias fingers slide across her palm, the space between their bodies minimal as he gives her hand a soft reassuring squeeze, “It has to happen.”

“I think that’s a wise decision.” 

“Yeah… I mean I’m terrified,” she tells him with a bitter laugh, she’s only done this to herself. 

“Nothing worth doing is ever easy,” Cassian’s fingers slip away leaving her palm warm and her mind addled with confusion, “Do you need support? I mean… will you be ok?”

Rey swallows hard, this is her mess, “Oh, yeah no, I’ll be ok. I hope. I mean. As long as Ben doesn’t freak out. I know he has every right to be angry.” 

There’s a soft nod of Cassian’s head as he takes a sip from his straw, “Oh pomegranate,” he chimes delightedly, “You just say your piece, give him the facts. How he reacts is on him. You can only be honest and open and how Ben chooses to respond is his choice.” 

It doesn’t stop her from worrying, she’ll worry until it's done and then when it’s over she’ll find something else to worry about. There is a veritable smorgasbord of worries for her to sample from. So many little things she can throw herself headlong into that Ben suddenly becomes just one of a long litany of things. 

“You ready momma?” Cassian’s voice draws her from her spiral. He’s nodding to the clock. Only twenty minutes left before they need to be upstairs and even then it would be better to be early. Spencer will be there waiting. Rey and Jessika had been texting earlier in the week. It seems the boys are on the same schedule. Spencer, it  turns out has been rather adamant that he and Luke sit together today. They won’t be the only ones in the room but they'll likely be the only kids so it would be nice for them to have one another's company. 

Ten minutes later Luke is slurping down the last of his smoothie with an ever-broadening grin. He’s filled with that rattling nervous energy that he gets when he’s over-stimulated but there's a nervous energy there too. Flitting back and for between Finn and Skywalker, Luke jumps into their arms as he pinballs himself like a ragdoll.

It’s normally the type of behavior she would discourage but seeing the light in his eyes as Finn wraps him up in a bear hug… she can’t be the one to squash that. Not yet. 

Not now. 

_After_ , when he needs to rest. That will be time for quiet and snuggles but now is the time to hold on to what little pieces of joy they can. Luke bolts to his feet swinging his hand up to high five Doctor Andor rather aggressively, “We gonna get ‘im.” Luke nearly screams, like a battle cry or a call to arms. “Cancer monsters goin’ dowwwwwn” he flexes his muscles as he turns to Finn who mimics the gesture. Obviously an inside joke between them. Luke has his chest puffed out, his lips set in an imitation of a grimace, “Finn, you gotted my cape?”

Finn turns to Skywalker who’s been sitting in the rolling recliner this whole time periodically checking his phone. _Han_ , Rey realizes with a sudden jerk to her system. Han is in for surgery. Eyes glancing at the clock she realizes they’d be about an hour in now. Ben is likely somewhere in the hospital holding his mother's hand. He’s a good son like that. Or so she assumes. Maybe he’s at work, maybe he’s at a bar having a drink. There has to be one open and willing to serve alcohol before ten am on a weekday. 

“Leia ok?” Rey asks softly. Luke nods with a sad sort of smile before jolting out of his seat. 

“Oh, right right, the cape,” he mutters to himself as he dives for his messenger bag sitting at his side, “I brought that and a new book for us to read Luke, for when you’re done. I thought maybe we could lay in bed and read a chapter?” 

Luke’s eyes are bright, “Is it the _Big Friendly Giant_?” he asks gleefully. 

“I have that and _James and the Giant Peach_ since we’re halfway through the _Big Friendly Giant_.” It should come as no surprise that they've polished off so much of the first novel already despite the fact they only just started it. Skywalker tends to be a little overzealous with his reading and Luke laps it all up gladly.

Rey watches carefully as Luke pulls a folded piece of fabric from the messenger bag. It’s a vibrant blue with yellowy gold stars stitched all over it. The neck is done in a thick gold cord that loops through the fabric to be cinched as the wearer needs, “Leia made it,” Luke explains as he gives the garment a shake, “She started it before… well… She’s been working on it for a few days at least. She finished it up last night and wanted to make sure Luke had it for today.” 

It takes everything in her to suffocate the burning warmth that bleeds through her veins. Tears prick at her eyes as she swallows lung full of air after lung full of air as quietly as possible. A simple act that shouldn’t mean as much as it does is crushing her beneath the weight of its implication. Before she knew… she… 

Turning her back to the group she hastily wipes away the few stray tears that manage to escape. Cassian is looking at her curiously, his head caulked to the side ever so slightly in question, “I’ll explain later,” She offers shakily as he dabs at the corner of her eyes with the sleeve of his lab coat. 

When she turns around Luke is standing there in his Captain America pajamas. They’re the ones with the logo on the front that are made to look like his costume. Luke looks ecstatic. He’s making punching motions into Finn’s hands as Poe straightens his cape and holds it out behind Luke like it’s being blown in the wind. 

“Super Luke!” the little boy cries as Jannah rolls into the room with a wheelchair.

“We ready?” she offers though the doctor's presence seems to throw her for a loop , “Oh Doctor Andor, I didn’t…”

“It’s ok, I’ll take them up,” he offers with a smile taking the wheelchair from Jannah leaving her to stand in the doorway awkwardly.

“Oh… uh, yeah, sure.” She nods but not before Luke launches himself at her. 

“Jannah, Jannah, Jannah, Jannah,” the little boy chants from her leg as he holds tight to her thigh. 

“Oh wow, you look amazing little man,” she tells him with a pat to the head. Poe is standing behind him a mask to match the cap hanging in his grasp. “You gonna fight the monster today?”

“Gonna kick its ass!” Luke chimes as he peers up at her.

The room goes silent, stunned by Luke’s choice of words. Everyone it seems is on the same page trying to stifle a laugh. Poe in particular looking rather guilty as he looks to the ceiling, then the floor avoiding Rey’s gaze as best he can. 

“What do we say about adult words Luke…” She admonishes but her eyes do not leave Poe who is adamantly looking everywhere else.

“Sorry momma, Poe said…” Luke offers sadly as he pulls himself away from Jannah’s leg moving towards the man he’s just unknowingly thrown under a bus, “Right Poe?” 

Poe laughs awkwardly, “Y-yeah buddy but that's something adults say… you know your mom doesn’t like those words.”

“Swear jar?” Luke inquires.

“I think Poe owes payment,” Rey says pointedly, “Or maybe he’s on ice-cream duty later?”

Luke nods eagerly while Poe fits him with the mask. It's nothing more than a simple strip of blue fabric with eye holes cut out of it. Though those eye holes are lined with the same gold fabric that the stars were cut from and have a striking way of pulling the amber out in Luke's eyes. Maybe it's not such a simple thing after all but it ties easily behind Luke's head holding tight against his face. 

Luke loves it.

“Do I ‘ave to go in the wheelchair?” he asks sadly.

He hates to look sick, he hates to lose his freedom. Like the wheelchair is the first step to losing the fight. “If you sit in it we can pretend you’re flying…” Cassian offers with a smile, “Your cape can flap behind you… it would be pretty epic.” 

Luke’s eyes light up as he throws himself into the chair, “Yeah!” he cries happily, wiggling his little butt into the chair eagerly, “Doctor Andor you’re the best, right mommy?” 

Rey nods quietly, as Cassian lays a hand on her shoulder, “You have a sweater?” 

Grabbing Luke’s old knit cardigan from the back of the recliner she pulls her arms through the soft sleeves. Luke doesn’t seem to mind as he grabs her hand and gives it a soft squeeze, “We’ll all be here…” he tells her. 

“You should go see Leia.”

Luke just offers her a lazy shrug, “I’m no good there, Ben’s with her. I’m better off here keeping these two out of trouble.”

Poe and Finn chime in with their own, “Hey” of indignation but Rey can see it for what it is. Luke needs to be around his kids. His sister has her family and right now he needs his as much as they need him. Poe included. 

“She’s been texting me, don’t worry.”

Rey gives another nod pushing up the sleeves of the dark grey sweater. It’s a futile effort, Luke’s forearms are far thicker then her own and the fabric slides down covering part of her hands again. It smells like him, a comforting scent like pine and smoke mixed with something sweet. Luke has always smelled like he came straight from outside. Like he spends all his spare time wandering the foothills of Takodana. It reminds her of home for so many reasons as she pulls the fabric tight around her middle. 

“Let’s go mommy,” Luke calls from the hallway. He and Cassian are waiting eagerly to start their battle. They discuss strategy and tactics like old generals as she slips a quick hug from Finn and Poe in before disappearing. As always she finds herself in the middle of their embrace, like the cream at the center of an oreo. They hold her tight for one breath and then another, both of their foreheads pressed against her temples before they pull away. 

“Go fight the good fight,” Poe mutters against her hair before she finally joins the others in the hallway.

Luke and Cassian laugh like old buddies as Cassian zooms Luke down the hallway in the wheelchair. It’s quick, his feet moving swiftly down the open corridor while Luke laughs wildly. He should know better, a doctor like Andor and Rey’s sure he does. There’s something about the way he interacts with Luke though that makes her wonder if he cares for formality in this case. He's like a kid himself as they hurry down the hall but he’s careful too as he guides the wheelchair to a slow stop, Rey trailing behind them slowly. 

It’s worth it, the scolding they might get if Ackbar or D’acy or heaven forbid Kalonia were to discover Doctor Andor’s little indiscretion. Totally worth the squeals of delight that emit from Luke’s little body as he cries out, “Faster, faster, faster,” And the look on Cassian’s face as he grins and complies. 

Maybe he is interested in her, maybe he’s not. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is he’s invested in Luke and at the end of the day that’s all that counts.

Jessika and Spencer are waiting for them when they arrive. A nurse is rigging up Spencer's drip as Cassian wheels Luke into the room. Spencer’s eyes go wide when he sees Luke’s cape and pajamas. They two start talking about superheroes right away while Jessika folds and refolds a blanket she’s been crocheting from the foot of Spencer's seat

Doctor Andor is now forgotten in lew of a new friend as Luke climbs up into the oversized recliner. He's singularly focused, ignoring the off-colored poison that leeks into his friend's veins as they chat about who the strongest superhero might be and who they would want to fight beside. Luke has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s going off bits and pieces he’s overheard from Poe and Finn, some of it making no sense at all but Spencer doesn’t care in the slightest. He’s happy to talk and share all he knows.

Cassian slides the wheelchair behind Luke’s seat as he busies himself with the IV and fluids. There’s a tall metal pole at Luke’s chair-side which Cassian hangs two bags of liquid on. One, the same grotesque liquid dripping into Spencer’s IV, the other one clear, saline likely, just incase Luke gets dehydrated through the process. It’s not a necessity but a precaution that Cassian says he likes to take just to be on the safe side. 

“Just a pinch,” Cassian says softly, he’s holding Luke’s hand as he inserts a needle smoothly into the back of it before covering it carefully with tape. Luke wines and mumbles a soft ‘ _owe_ ’ but this isn’t Cassian’s first rodeo. He’s quick and efficient as he arranges the tubing and starts the chemo drip. 

They had a choice between the IV and a portacath. It was a hard decision but ultimately Luke has always been a bit of a digger and having the small device under his skin was not something Rey was sure he would be comfortable with. Cassian had advocated for the device but ultimately went along with her wishes. It was something they left open for discussion but he never really pushed the matter. Luke wasn’t necessarily ok with the IV but he toughed it out because Cassian was watching and he didn’t want Cassian to think he wasn’t strong enough to fight this. 

After getting Luke situated Cassian slips away citing other patients to look in on and a meeting with Kalonia and D’acy he’s been putting off. He bids Jessika and the boys a farewell before his hand grazes Rey’s shoulder again, “You let me know if you need anything yeah?”

She nods her appreciation as he slips off, his lab coat utterly coated in melted chocolate.

“Was that Cassian Andor?” Jessika asks softly. She’s adjusting her yarn as she sets in on her next row of stitches but her eyes are following the attractive doctor as he whirls out of the room like some sort of rock star.

“Huh? Oh.. Yeah… yeah, he’s been following Luke’s case.”

“I thought he was out of Scarif?” Jessika says lightly, eyes moving from her hands to Rey almost as though assessing the level of information she might be able to pry from her new friend,  “I contacted him after Spencer’s diagnosis. He was our second opinion but I never actually met the man.”

“Oh, yeah? He was here doing a talk I guess.” Rey offers casually not sure how much she wants to go into. She knows it looks like nepotism and she doesn’t want to alienate herself, “He’s… he’s been great. Luke really likes him.”

“Does he work here then?”

_That_ is the million-dollar question. Something Cassian doesn’t bring up even when they’re alone which admittedly is more than might be considered normal. He hasn’t given any indication one way or another what his plans are or what the hospital might be offering him in way of incentive to stay. Aldera is a larger hospital with newer equipment and more room to grow while Scarif… well she’s not sure what might be keeping Cassian there if anything. 

“I don’t know what’s happening,” Rey offers honestly.

“Right I forgot, you’re a nurse here aren’t you?” Rey nods, “I heard one of the nurses talking about you. Well about Luke… they all seem to know him here huh?”

“Yeah, Poe takes him in a lot.”

“Is that your husband?” Rey laughs softly. Spencer is showing Luke a book full over superheroes as Luke shifts in his seat to get a better look.

“No… no, Poe is… Poe’s one of my best friends, he…”

“Not Bio then,” Jess offers cryptically, eyeing the boys to make sure they aren’t listening in. 

“No no no, Poe and Finn are together, they’re my best friends. They helped raise Luke. Are helping… I should say,” she makes sure to correct herself. 

“Ahh, _no_ Bio then.” Jess wonders again, “I get it, I do. When Spence got sick…” She sighs as she stitches, eyeing her son with his bright eyes lined with heavy dark circles. He looks sick and Rey wonders if given a few weeks more Luke might look that way too. “Dryden just…” her voice trails off, “I get it I guess is what I’m saying.”

Rey nods awkwardly. She doesn’t feel like she deserves this woman's pity because… well honestly she doesn’t think Ben would do that. Then again, how could she ever know without telling him? 

Right… texting Ben that was something she was going to do. Pulling her phone from her pocket she notices she has several missed text messages. Luke has sent an update on Han, all going steady, no complications to note. Leia is tired but Ben hasn’t left her side. Good… that's good to know. There are text messages from Finn and Poe too, odd as it hasn’t been that long since they left. Finn has sent a series of pictures and selfies taken in the room. There's one of Poe stuffing his face with the caption, ‘ _can dress him up but can’t take him anywhere_ ,’ Poe’s texts are just a series of gifs. A strange pig in a gold jumpsuit dancing, a rooster in sneakers, two dogs hugging. 

These are her friends, her family… these are her people and they’re the greatest humans she’s ever known. 

“Hey,” Jessika looks up from her line of stitch, “Will you teach me?” Rey asks, nodding towards the blanket Jess is dutifully working away at. It’s a cascading piece of deep blues and blacks that spiral together and then come apart in arcing patterns. Rey would never be able to accomplish something so intricate but maybe she could make a hand towel or two. Really it’s an excuse to keep her hands and mind busy while Luke and Spencer chat.

They’ve moved passed superhero and Spencer is telling Luke about the puppies his mother took him to look at. Jessika shakes her head as though to say, ‘ _not happening_ ’ but Spencer continues on happily, “You know, I think I have a spare crochet hook in here, hold on.” Digging through her large hand-stitched bag Jessika pulls out a small metal object with a strangely hooked end, “It’s easy once you start, dishcloths are the easiest, here…” 

The rest of the session is spent in quiet conversation. The boys laugh to themselves while Jessika demonstrates how to properly cast on a stitch. Rey has tried knitting before but the needles were always hard to manage and she gave up quickly. She had wanted to be the type of mom who made baby blankets and booties. It turns out she was better at napping and snuggling. 

Some moms sew, others bake, Rey was a napper. Like a cat lounging in the sun she and Luke would sleep and snuggle and really, that was so much better than being able to knit a scarf. It seems however that learning is not outside the realm of Rey's talents. Jess works slowly looping and pulling pieces of yarn so that Rey can watch and mimic the motions.  It isn’t long before she’s gotten herself half a dishcloth which she holds up proudly when Jannah enters the room. 

After a swift high five her friend makes short work disconnecting Luke from the tubing. He and Spencer have both slowed down in their conversation. The second round seems to be hitting Luke a lot quicker than the first. Jessika promises to hold onto the cloth for her with a quiet ' _same time next week_ ' as Jannah and Rey wheel a groggy Luke away. 

The return to his room is much less eventful than their journey from. Luke is quiet and soft-spoken as he asks Jannah if he can have a glass of water when he gets back. With any luck they’ll get him into bed and he’ll be able to nap or maybe Skywalker will read him some more of the _Big Friendly Giant._ Something. Anything to lighten the mood and bring just a spark of Luke’s brilliant personality back. 

“Did I do good mommy?” He asks, sliding his mask back down over his eyes. He leans back as he looks up at her, a smile that’s too wide for such a little face plastering his features. 

“You did amazing buddy,” she tells him softly, reaching out for his hand as she walks alongside the wheelchair. Jannah is kind and moves slow leaning against the mutual handles as she walks. 

“I don’t think I kicked its ass…” he says softly and it hurts somewhere deep in her chest to hear. 

“It’s ok buddy, it’s a slow fight but we’ll win.”

“Yeah… Cassian said the medicine wouldn’t work right away.” 

Rey chokes on her emotions as she focuses on the hallway ahead, “No… but we’ll beat it.” 

Luke fiddles with the neck of his cape as he rubs the soft material against his cheek. It’s a comfort thing he used to do when he was smaller. Rubbing something soft, a teddy bear or a blanket against his face to help him fall asleep. He must be tired, really tired if he’s doing that now. Another pang of something deep and violent rips through her as she watches from the corner of her eye. She will not cry… she cannot cry…

“I know momma,” he mutters, “You won’t wet the cancer monster get me,” 

Jannah reaches out and grabs Rey’s shoulder. A silent ‘ _I got you_ ’ moment as her insides slowly begin to shred apart. She wants to tell him, of course, she won’t but she can’t because she doesn’t know if she _can_ protect him. She doesn’t want to lie to him, but is it lying if the intent is there? If she means the words when she says them? If she’d move heaven on earth just to protect him?

“I…” she starts, clearing her throat to steady her voice, “I won’t. I’ll keep you safe turkey.” she offers him and it takes everything in her to hold it together. 

Their walk back to his room feels more like a death march. Like something inside her has passed away leaving her cold and empty and terrified. Luke is talking to Jannah, telling her the storyline to the _Big Friendly Giant_ as Jannah asks questions in her soft sing-song way. It’s nice to have the weight lifted off a little bit giving her a chance to breathe without him knowing she’s breaking apart.

When they finally reach his hallway, Luke peers up at her through his mask. “Who’s that mommy?” he asks, pointing towards a man standing outside his door. A tall man, a broad man, a man with startling dark hair and the framework of a human fridge. 

When he turns to look at her she doesn’t have it in her to be surprised. Ben is standing there dressed more like a normal person then she’s ever seen him. He’s in plain dark wash jeans and a grey henley left open at the neck. In his hand he’s holding a reusable grocery bag and he looks... nervous almost panicked. 

“A friend of mommy's.” she tells Luke softly, “Jannah is going to get you settled in bed, get Grandpa to read you a story I’ll be in in a minute.” She gives his hand a little squeeze as Jannah pushes passed Ben. She’s subtle, Jannah, eyeing up the stranger as she glides passed. Yep, subtle like a brick to the skull

Inside the room Rey can hear a chorus of voices cheering. Finn and Poe without a doubt celebrating Luke’s long-awaited arrival. She wants, with everything in her to be with them in their joy, to celebrate another session down, one step closer to an inevitable end. Instead she squares herself up for a conversation she has been practicing with herself all morning.

“Rey…” Ben’s voice sounds shaken and strained as he flexes and releases his fists. She can see the way his forearms strain beneath the effort, his sleeves pulled up to his elbows. 

“Ben I’m so sorry I meant to text you I swear.” 

“No, no, it's ok. Really. I figured I would hear from you after.” he offers with a soft and shy grin.

“Why are you here then?” 

Ben seems to need a moment to think as if she’d just asked him to do long division in his head. His nervousness is contagious as he shifts from one foot to another before running his free hand through his hair He looks younger somehow, lost in thought before he holds out the bag like an offering, “I uh… I brought these…” he says, “for Luke. It’s just…” He seems almost relieved when she takes the bag from his hand. It’s awkwardly heavy. Uneven in weight as the contents shift to the side. “Luke said they read together a lot.” Ben offers. 

Inside the bag there are two books, worn and well-loved by the looks of them.A hardcover copy of _Alice in Wonderland_ and a thicker book that seems almost too big to be a children's novel. As she turns it over she sees the title written across the front in scrawling gold cursive. _The Chronicles of Narnia_. “They were mine,” Ben offers as she picks Narnia out with a soft smile. The spine is worn but otherwise, the book is in amazing condition, “I can’t tell you the number of times my mother read that to me as a kid. I thought… well…” he offers her a weak smile. 

There’s a lego set in the bag too, a rattling box with a fancy looking car on the front. Something Finn and Poe might try and snag. It’s new, unopened, meaning Ben went out to purchase it within the last twenty-four hours. It’s a strange mixture of gifts, personal, thoughtful… sweet. “You… you didn’t have to do that.” Rey offers with a watery smile, “Thank you Ben… really.” _tell him, tell him now_ , her mind screams, her smile faltering just slightly. 

Ben seems to notice all the same, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I came… I know… fuck.” he looks around quickly making sure there’s no one in earshot. 

It suddenly becomes very apparent where they are and what she’s about to do. This isn’t a conversation had in view of the public. It’s the middle of the day and Aldera is full of faces moving around like ants in an anthill. There’s no real place to get privacy aside from…

Jannah ducks out of Luke’s room cocking her head in Rey’s direction, “I’m going to get him some ice chips and water, you need anything?” she calls eyeing Ben up from behind. 

“No, thanks. We’re going to…” Rey nods in the direction of the empty room next door to Luke’s. It’s the best option they have at this moment because Rey needs to get this done... It needs to be said.

_Pull off the bandaid… Pull off the bandaid_ … 

Her cheeks feel flushed as she grabs Ben’s wrist and pulls him in the direction of the empty room. Once inside she shuts the door using the heavy wood for support as Ben wheels around on her. He’s there in an instant. His palms pressed against the door on either side of Rey’s head. He’s hovering over her looking hungry and confused. His eyes dark, pupils eating up the amber of his iris as he swallows. 

“ _I’m so sorry_ ,” he whispers, almost to himself and she can feel his breath as it ghosts across his cheek. “I have no idea what I’m doing but I can’t seem… I don’t…” 

Rey swallows hard, “Ben…”

He groans and she can see the muscles of his forearms contract beneath the strain of whatever it is he’s fighting. “When you sent me that picture,” he starts, “Fuck, I… Rey…” _picture?_ “Why did you send me that picture?” His voice comes out in a soft sort of wine as though he's struggling to maintain control. 

He babbles on about her face, her skin, how perfect she is while her mind jumps, and skitters trying to figure out what it is Ben could be talking… 

Oh… _Fuck._

The picture. The one she had meant to send to Cassian she must have… _Fuck._

“Ben.” she says sharply rallying him from his thoughts, “Ben, stop.” He pulls back as though he’s been burned, pacing the room as he worries his hand through his hair, “Ben… you’re with Gwen.” She tries. 

“I know!” it’s not rage in his voice but something equally potent, fury? no… frustration maybe. At Rey for being so foolish or maybe at himself for… well… she’s not sure what.

“I know I’m with Gwen. Fuck, nothing is more painfully obvious than that.” he sounds unhinged as he flops down on the empty bed. His eyes are wide and terrifying. Lost in a sea of confusion that Rey has so willingly pulled him out into and left him with no means of survival. “I'm with her and all I want to do is… fuck... _Rey_ …”

The words spill out of her before she can think, “It wasn’t mean for you.” She needs to stop him before he says something he regrets. Something they both regret. He’s too honest with her, too raw and available. You don’t do that when you’re in a relationship with someone else.

“Who was it meant for?” the tone in his voice is still as ice and somehow this seems worse. 

“A…” _more lies Rey_? when will you start telling him the truth? She owes him nothing personally. Nothing other than the simple truth that paints them both into a corner together. This, this right here, that stupid picture has nothing to do with things and here it is, a stupid choice coming back to bite her in the ass, “A friend,” she offers quietly.

“A _friend_ ,” Ben scoffs back.

“Yes Ben, a _friend_ , and that doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter.” _because you have Gwen_ goes left unsaid. A reminder that burns if the words fall from her lips again, “That isn’t why I brought you in here.” She sighs and knocks her head back against the door, her skull making aloud clunk as she closes her eyes and steadies her breathing.

Ben hasn’t said anything, he’s just looking at her, waiting. As though he has all the time in the world. He doesn’t. They don’t. He looks at her like he expects something, anything, _everything_ and it makes her insides feel hot and uncomfortable. It makes her skin crawl. 

She’s pacing before she can stop herself, her hands shaking as she clenches and unclenches her fists. _Rip off the bandaid_ , her mind screams at her but she can’t just say it... Can she? 

“You know, I tried to get a hold of you,” she offers weakly.

Its obviously the wrong starting point because Ben snaps, “Jesus Christ Rey, enough with this shit already. Yes. I know. Yes. It was a shitty situation but what could either of us have done about it?”

She tries not to look affected by his sudden outburst but his voice vibrates down her spine making her bones ache, “Yes… Yes exactly.” she says more to herself than to him. She’s gesturing with her hands in a way that makes her feel like she’s in high school. All wild and inarticulate. She can’t do it this way. She can’t be so cruel as to just blurt it out and leave him to suffer through the realization. She owes him her time, she owes him so much more than that but it starts here. It starts with an admission and an explanation and an allowance. He can react anyway he needs to because she owes him that right. 

Now, it's time for the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY haha I didn't expect the first bit to go so long and then I got into the groove of it and I didn't want to post a monster of a chapter. So the next chapter FOR SURE Ben finds out. I already have it mostly written.  
> How will he respond? Good? Bad? Ugly?  
> Let me know what you think!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I tried to get a hold of you for a reason, Ben,” he nods as he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing, “I was pregnant Ben. I tried… I tried so hard to find you because I had to tell you that… that… that we..”
> 
> The silence that swallows the room is deafening. Ben’s eyes search her face as though he’s waiting for the punch line. As though he expects her to suddenly scream ‘gotcha’! and it’s all going to be over. Some cruel joke.
> 
> It feels like a cruel joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I loved reading all your comments!!! You guys are so kind to me I hope I did this justice. She's a big one because there is a lot of dialogue. I feel like I'm obsessed with dialogue haha   
> I apologize for any mistakes in advance, I've been trying to edit but my son has had other plans for my 'quiet time'

Taking a seat next to him on the bed, Rey hitches her knee up so she’s facing his side. His profile is strong, the slope of his nose, the full swell of his lips. He’s a work of art, all harsh lines, and soft edges. The dark hair on his upper lip is relatively new, and from this angle she can see where it doesn’t connect to the patch growing on his chin. It makes him look like a teenager instead of making him look older. His ears are hidden beneath a length of dark hair and Rey can’t help but want to reach out and tuck it behind them. She doesn’t think he knows just how beautiful he is. 

Taking a deep breath in, Rey closes her eyes and tries as best she can to steady her heart and its traitorous beating. It’s steady and rampant like the wings of a hummingbird. He makes her nervous but this is so much more than just an idle attraction. This is the moment she smashes his world wide open. She can feel it in her face, the way her pulse makes her cheeks heat up, flushing them with a soft rouge. 

“Ben…” his name on her lips feels thick but sweet and she lets the weight of it linger there just a moment before, “I’m so sorry,” falls out of her in a shaky sort of whine. 

He turns his attention on her too quickly, eyes narrowed, lips pursed. He looks confused, his brow furrowed just a little causing his nose to turn up at the end. Little things she can see because they’re sitting so close and she can’t take her eyes away, “You didn’t…" He starts but decides last minute to simply ask, "Why?”

“I owe you so much Ben, so so very much,” His lips move like he’s going to speak again so she places two fingers over them softly. Anything to stop him from interrupting, “No… Ben listen to me, please,” it sounds like she’s begging and maybe she is, “I tried to…” his lips shift beneath her touch, “Stop… stop ok, let me speak. I have to say this.” He huffs out a breath against her fingers and turns a little more so that their bodies sit a mirror image of one another. 

“I tried to reach out to you, I tried and tried and tried ok. I was so scared and…” she can feel the tear that slips down over her cheek. A treacherous warm thing that shakes her resolve. It isn’t her right to be upset but it’s all she can do to stop herself from shaking.

“Rey…” her name comes out muffled by her own fingers.

“No. Ben. I don’t know what happened. It makes no sense but I guess nothing is foolproof…” 

“What are you talking about Rey?”

Her hand drops to the sheets hovering somewhere between their bodies as she traces idly patterns into the blankets. She has to will herself to meet his eyes. His eyes that just stare at her so filled with confusion and care. Like he wants to comfort her but he doesn’t know how and that… that’s too much. It hurts because she doesn’t deserve it, this care he openly offers, this need to reach out for her that he’s fighting against. 

“I tried to get a hold of you for a reason, Ben,” he nods as he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing, “I was pregnant Ben. I tried… I tried so hard to find you because I had to tell you that… that… that we..”

The silence that swallows the room is deafening. Ben’s eyes search her face as though he’s waiting for the punch line. As though he expects her to suddenly scream ‘gotcha’! and it’s all going to be over. Some cruel joke. 

It feels like a cruel joke.

He sits and just stares like he’s waiting for her to continue as if there’s more to the story then that. There is of course, that’s only the beginning but it’s the most important part and now the words have been said, tears trailing over her cheeks falling like warm Sunday rain. 

“You were pregnant,” he repeats, his voice soft and pensive. 

“I was.”

Another moment of silence lingers. Ben’s eyes are looking everywhere but he sees nothing. He’s trying to focus on her words, playing them over and over in his head like a record. Deconstructing them and putting them back together to make sure he hasn’t misheard her. She can see it, watch it as it happens like a computer screen loading before he cautiously asks, “Did…” a swallow, “Did you… did you have the baby?” his voice is quiet though by the look on his face she’s sure he’s already aware of the answer. Like he just has to ask, for clarity.

When she nods Ben shoots to his feet. His hands are scrubbing over his face before resting to cup his mouth. He’s at one side of the room and then back and it’s all she can do to watch, “I have…” he starts, “We have…” she nods again and suddenly Ben is looking a the wall that separates them from Luke. His eyes dark and heavy as he turns to her searching the white sheets of the hospital bed as though the answers are there spelled out in Gaelic. 

He takes a short breath in and it sounds like he’s been hit in the stomach. His shoulders hunch as he keeps his hands cupped over his mouth. He's spiraling and there is nothing she can do but watch and let it happen. She wants to reach out and take his hand, she wants to tell him a thousand times that she’s sorry but she can’t. Or… she won’t. He doesn’t need that from her. “I… “ he starts again, “I…” it's weaker this time as he huffs out a breath, dropping his hands to his side, “Why didn’t you tell me?” He doesn’t sound mad… just hurt. So incredibly hurt. 

A hurt she caused. A hurt she was solely responsible for. 

“I was scared,” She offers pathetically. She knows how it sounds but it’s the truth and she’s committed to telling him the truth. It takes everything in her not to cry. There are tears sure, her cheeks are stained with them but she will now allow herself to sob or whimper like she wants so desperately to do. 

She did this. This is her mess, she deserves to feel this way. But Ben… Ben looks so lost. He looks scared and lost, his mouth slack as he stands there processing. That feeling is there again, so present and real. Rey would give anything to reach out and touch him but it’s not her place. He’s not her Ben. He’ll never be her Ben. Even if there was no Gwen, even if it were just Rey and Ben and Luke… She’s broken something in him that she doesn’t deserve to touch ever again. She kept this from him… it’s her fault. Her fault. _Her fault_. 

“Am I such a monster?” he asks quietly and those words alone break her. They rip her open and pull her from the inside spreading her all across the floor. She feels as though she’s hemorrhaging, her insides flushed and hot as something peels away pieces of her insides bit by painstaking bit. 

“No!” she almost yells it, “God, no, no Ben… The night we met, the night I was your father's nurse? My phone kept going off, do you remember?” Ben nods but it’s an empty gesture,“Poe, he was calling me, my son… our son…” fuck it feels so strange to say it out loud, “He was rushed into the hospital. I couldn’t think. It was… I was…and he kept having these seizures and they had to keep him unconscious. We didn’t know what it was…”

“He’s sick,” Ben repeats, like his father it seems parroting back information is a way to handle stress. 

“Yes, yes he’s very sick and then I found out about Kylo…” 

At the mention of his brother's name, something in Ben’s face shifts, “Kylo…” he says his voice a little stronger now, that distant look of longing morphing into something erring on dangerous. 

“Yeah, your dad told me about Kylo. About how he had Leukemia too like Luke does and fuck… Ben… How was I supposed to tell you you have a son who’s sick. A son… a son who’s sick with the same god awful thing you had to watch your brother suffer through.” She’s trying to keep her voice calm but she can hear the way it trembles just so, “It just. It seemed so cruel.” 

“Crueler than not telling me I have a son?” 

“Ben… I didn’t… I wasn’t… I…”

“No… no Rey you made a lot of decisions and fuck…” Ben’s voice raises just a little. It’s hard not to recoil from him because the edge that’s there is vicious and sharp. “You… you kept this from me. You made decisions about this, decisions you had no right to make… You don’t get to chose what happens in my life based on what… a hunch? You don’t know me now Rey.” He’s just a notch below full-blown yelling now, “You didn’t know me then and you sure as fuck don’t know me now. We were strangers, we are strangers so thinking you know best is a piss poor practice.” 

“I wanted to know you…” she offers sadly but it’s the wrong thing to say. One of those too little too late sort of things. Ben makes a noise that sounds like a mix between a huff and a groan and he’s pulling back, he’s pacing. He has his back to her and for some fucked up reason she just wants him to look at her again. She wants him to see how sorry she is because she is sorry… so very very _sorry_. “Do you want to see a picture?” she offers. 

“No, Fuck. Jesus Christ Rey. No, I don’t want to see a fucking picture,” Ben snaps, “I want to meet him, I want to fucking see him with my own eyes.” His head notches back falling against his shoulders as he takes a breath, “I want to be able to hold him, to tell him that… that I'm fucking sorry.” One of his hands is pushing through his hair, once and then again immediately after, “Fuck,” he mutters before hollering, “Fuck!” again, louder this time.

“You need to be calm…” she starts but Ben cuts her off swiftly.

“You don’t get to tell me what I need to be,” He seethes. 

Part of her wants to cow down and hide when Ben raises his voice at her but there’s this buzzing in her ears that makes her stand instead. A buzzing that tones down his anger to an acceptable level so she can focus on what’s most important. He’s allowed to respond, yes. He’s allowed to respond negatively if he so chooses, that’s his right. She owes him an opportunity to air his grievances and be upset but in the end this isn’t about him. It’s about Luke. 

“I know what I did was wrong.”

“I have rights.”

“You do, of course you do. I never said you didn’t.”

“I know my rights,” he grits out, the edge of a threat lingering in his words, a reminder that he has his knowledge of the law on his side. 

“Ben,” she pleads, “I’m not trying to keep him from you. I promise I’m not. I will take you next door right now so you can meet him. You just need to be—“

“— don’t you dare say —“

“—Calm!” 

Ben roars, not like a lion but something more akin to a wounded animal. His hands are in fists as he raises them in the air. When he slams them against the wall she jumps, hissing his name but he’s too far gone to hear. Or maybe he’s ignoring her, that’s also a very real possibility. She’d deserve it too. 

“How the fuck am I suppose to stay calm Rey?” he demands, “Fuck.” he hollers for good measure, “Fuck fuck fucking fuck shit _Jesus fuck!_ ”

“You’re allowed to be angry with me.”

Ben scoffs at that, “I don’t even know how to describe how I feel about you right now.” 

“That’s fair…”

“Yeah no fucking shit.” he’s that boy at the party again, the one who was all fists and lips and passion. Lost to an anger that he’s trying to spool back in, floating in a sea of misery with no idea how to find land, “I’m so mad, I’m so so mad but I’m so much more than that. I feel crazy right now. Actually crazy like I’m losing touch with reality. I want to scream but I don’t think my body will let me…” When he turns back to face her he looks wrecked. His back pressed against the wall he slams his fist against it repeatedly, softer than before but still just on the side of too heavy. 

“That’s all valid and I can take it, I can but this isn’t about me and frankly it isn’t about you either,” her voice has that pleading tone again, the one that makes her sound like a puppy begging him for his attention, “This is about Luke.” _Woman up Rey_ put your big girl panties on and play the momma card. Show him you’re stronger then all of this, “Parents put their kids first Ben. Do you want to be his father?” 

Maybe it’s an unfair question, maybe it’s not but she doesn’t have the time to sit back and figure it out. In our out, it’s like standing in an open doorway in the middle of winter. Either get in or fuck off because you’re letting the heat out. Luke doesn’t deserve half-assed attempts and wannabe trials. It’s an in or an out and the sooner Ben sees she’s serious about this the better. 

He looks at her as though she’s just poured scalding water over his naked flesh, “Of course.”

“Then remove your ego from the equation. Be pissed off sure, as pissed or as angry as you need to be. I get it, cry if that helps… but Ben,” she stands slowly, her feet carrying her so that she’s standing in front of him. Up close like this she can see the small ways in which his jaw twitches. The way his nostrils flare as he inhales once sharply and then again a little slower. He looks like he wants to run or maybe he just wants to run from her. “You’re allowed to feel however you need to. Hate me. It’s ok. I have strong shoulders I can take it but Ben… this isn’t an offer for trial parenting. You’re in or you’re out there’s no in-between. 

“I don’t hate you,” he says softly, and he’s looking at her all of a sudden as though she’s something to be treasured, “I don’t know how exactly I feel about you right now,” he tells her honestly, “But, I don’t hate you. I hate that you had to raise him on your own. I hate that you got to raise him and I missed out on… on everything. I missed his first steps, I missed his first words. I missed potty training,”

“Yeah… be grateful you missed that one it… was not pretty.” 

Rey laughs softly but Ben does not find the humor in it in the slightest, “I missed birthdays and Halloween. God I fucking hate Halloween and all I can think is that I missed seeing him dressed up.” 

“There will be other birthday’s Ben, others Halloweens too…” She doesn’t say she hopes because that would be too cruel. 

“And you did it all… all on your own. And what was I doing? Fucking about on the corporate dollar?”

“Ben, you didn’t know… and I wasn’t alone,” His gaze snaps to her face and there’s something there that looks almost feral, “Luke was such a huge help. Finn and Poe too. I wouldn’t have been able to finish my last year,” Ben groans again, reminded now of how this pregnancy would have interrupted her education, “They’ve been…”

“Like fathers,” Ben offers bitterly. 

Rey cocks her head to the side as she ponders the implication of the word, “Sort of, maybe. He’s never called them Dad or anything. They’re just… Poe and Finn. We’re a family.” Ben looks utterly dejected all of a sudden, “Hey… hey you can be a part of that too… if you want.” She smiles as she cups his cheek in her palm, her fingers traipsing against his jaw and along the underside of his ear. His shiver is unmistakable, it’s meaning unreadable. The touch is meant as innocent and maybe ill-advised as he nuzzles his cheek into it, “You and your mom and your dad.” Rey offers, “Gwen too.”

Ben apparently hadn’t been thinking about her, “Fuck… Gwen.” 

“The only thing I ask,” her voice is stern as she continues, “No drama. No bullshit, Not fighting around Luke. We all need to be in this together. I can’t… I won’t allow anything to hinder his treatment. Promise me Ben.”

He nods, his cheek sliding against her hand, “Promise me Ben. Say it. I need to hear you say it.” 

“I promise,” he says in a rush, a soft breath of words uttered like a secret. “For him… for Luke. No drama. I promise.” Luke’s name on his lips causes Ben to smile, “I… I have a kid.” 

“You do.”

“What’s he like?” Ben asks suddenly, his eyes wide and alight with wonder. They’re standing so close that his breath falls across her cheek as he asks. 

He’s not her Ben, she needs to remind herself, allowing her hand to slip from his face. She needs to put space between them quickly to remind herself of the true goal here. “Do you… want to meet him?” she offers with a quirk of her head. It’s hard to hide the joy that creeps over her when she watches Ben stumbling over his newfound lot in life. 

“More then anything,” he mutters, grabbing her hands. His fingers lace through hers as though they were always meant to be there. As if it’s the most natural thing in the world to do.“I just… I… I need a minute.”

“I can respect that,” She says softly treating his hands to a firm squeeze.

Ben’s smile is soft, hesitant as he looks down at where their fingers blend together. His hands are so large when compared to hers it’s almost laughable but it’s sweet. Innocent even because, after all, he isn’t her Ben, “Tell me about him?” like a little boy asking for another bedtime story Ben asks. 

So, she tells him about Luke. About how brave, and sweet, and brilliant, and stubborn he is. She tells him about his favorite shows and his favorite books, and his favorite foods. She tells Ben about his first words. The obvious, ‘no’ and then how everyone in the house was gutted when he started to say ‘ _cat_ ’ instead of mommy or Poe or Finn. She tells him about when Luke started to test out sensations, how he used to shake his head all the time. How she thought he was broken because all he would do was bobble and shake. It’s embarrassing but sweet. She tells him how instead of saying truck he would say ‘ _chuch_ ’ much to Poe’s dismay. Poe had been hoping it would come out more like ‘ _fuck_ ’ like a lot of other kids Luke’s age. Rey lets him ask questions too, filling him in on nearly five years worth of information all in the span of a sweet twenty minutes. 

Ben is vibrating with unkept energy but he’s calm now at least. Rey can feel his hands shake as they hold hers. How sweaty they’ve gotten in the short amount of time they’ve been connected. Not once did he let go, not once did he pull away. Instead he held on to her tightly as though she were anchoring him to this plane of existence. 

“He’s going to be tired,” she warns him softly. 

“I remember,” there’s bitterness in his tone though this time she’s confident it’s not directed at her. This isn’t Ben’s first time walking this path. 

“He might even be asleep.”

“I just want to see him Rey… Please.” 

She nods, her hands slipping from his to slide up along his arms. Small fingertips dig into his biceps as she rubs gently against the fabric of his shirt. It’s meant to soothe, to calm but the loss of his fingers through hers leaves her feeling unsteady. It seems he was anchoring her too, holding her steady before they float into uncharted waters together.

She’s about to pull away when he grabs her hand again, “Rey… just… what am I to him?” 

She hadn’t thought that far in. He was Luke’s father but was Luke mature enough to understand that? They’d never lied to him about Ben, not really. They just never spoke of him because how do you explain that to a child so young?

“I…” she starts, “Maybe just Ben… just for today?” 

For just the briefest moment Ben looks like he might want to argue. It’s fleeting like a drop of water in a bucket. It’s ripple bouncing out in waves disrupting waters placid surface. He nods quickly though, agreeing to follow her lead as he gives her hand another firm squeeze.

“I want him to know you, I do. I promise. Let’s just… let’s see.” she doesn’t want to lie anymore either. “Chemo has been hell on him and it seems to have hit him harder this time… trust me?”

“I get it,” she hates that he sounds so defeated. It feels a little like she’s dangling a very tempting carrot in front of a starved bunny. It’s cruel and heartless but what matters is what’s best for Luke… right?

She pulls him towards the door grabbing the bag from where she’d left it on the bed. She holds it a minute before handing it back to Ben, “You give it to him,” she offers, reaching out to open the door. 

Ben’s movements are quick, sharp as he pulls her against him. One minute she’s ready to return to the world at large the next he has her wrapped in his arms. She stands there frozen as his body shakes and shudders. It feels like he’s crying or maybe he’s trying to control his breathing, she can’t be sure. It’s awkward in that it’s not awkward in the slightest. His mouth is pressed into her shoulder, his nose shifting against her neck just so. She’s sure he doesn’t mean anything by it. This is for comfort. For both of them.

When he finally pulls away his eyes are dark, his lashes lined with tears as he smiles ever so softly. A hand raises to her neck, covering it as his thumb traces along her jawline. For just a minute she’s afraid he might try and kiss her. This is what it feels like isn’t it? Before you get kissed. That rush of endorphins that leaves her feeling dizzy and wanting. When he swoops his head in her breath catches in her throat. Her eyes are closed before she can register but it’s his forehead that presses against her own. His nose sliding against hers as he sighs in the small space between them. The reusable cloth bag bumps against her shoulder as his other hand finds it’s place holding the other side of her neck and face. He’s pinned her beneath his touch but she doesn’t find she wants to get away. 

“Thank you,” He whispers and she can almost feel his mouth as it moves over those two sweet words. It’s nothing and yet it’s everything, too much, _intoxicating_. She wants… oh dear god she wants so much that will never be hers and this… this feels like a tease. It feels indecent, like he’s stripped her bare and is lapping at her cunt. How can something so sweet feel so wrong and yet so deliciously deviant? 

It’s the kind of moment she’ll remember for the rest of her life because they both need this. This second in time is for them and them alone. 

He pulls away slowly and it’s there again. His eyes tripping over her mouth as he smiles. 

This is all she will ever have of him. Moments of parenting from here on out that they’ll share together. It’s enough… it’s not actually but it will have to be… _for Luke_. 

When they emerge into the hallway Jannah is standing a few feet away milling about a cart filled with linens. She watches them cautiously, her eyes linger on where their hands are joined. It takes a moment before she nods towards Luke’s open doorway, “He heard your voice and he panicked,” she explains, “He started throwing up but it seems to have stopped now.”

Guilt rages in her veins causing her to let go of Ben’s hand. “Is he sleeping?” Rey asks, but Ben’s fingers are still there, holding her palm against his. A sign maybe of solidarity, that she isn’t alone, she won’t be alone in this again. 

Jannah shakes her head as she bites her lower lip softly, “No, Luke is reading to him,” and she can hear Skywalker's calming voice as it spills out into the hallway. It’s melded with something faint A soft sobbing that hits her like a brick to the chest. “He’s pretty upset. I don’t know if he’s scared or not… I was going to page Doctor Andor.”

“No, no, Cassian is in meetings all afternoon. I… let me see if I can calm him down. I should be able to get him settled,” she offers Ben a soft sort of smile, “You ready?”

Ben doesn’t say a word. He looks terrified but follows her in all the same. Luke’s sobs are soft, pitiful sounds. Quiet gasps for as he moans his need for her. Ben stills and drops her hand as she pushes her way into the room. 

Poe and Finn are in the bed with Luke. He’s curled into Finn while Poe rubs soft circles against his back slowly. Luke looks so little and lost between his two guardians but the minute his eyes land on her a spark of something pure and bright ignites beneath his dark iris’ 

“Mommy,” He hiccups, reaching out for her madly, his little fingers clenching and unclenching in the air. His little body is warm and feverish like it had been last time and he shakes just a little as she pulls him into her arms. Poe and Finn vacate the bed but their attention soon falls on Ben. Finn looks like he wants to say something but instead settles for kissing Rey on the forehead. 

“Come on, coffee,” but Poe looks like he wants to argue. He’s only seen Ben once before so the connection takes a minute or two to snap into place. His eyes take in the taller man slowly, appraisingly as though confused by Ben’s mere existence. Then he looks over Luke’s quiet face he must see it now because his eyes jump from Ben to Luke and back again quickly. The ‘ _ah-ha_ ’ moment is fast and it isn’t long before he takes Finn’s hand and they slip passed Ben who’s still standing stock still and frozen in place.

“He kid…” Luke calls wearily as he pushes himself out of the recliner. _The Big Friendly_ sits open face down against the small table at his side. It’s pages pressed against the surface holding it’s place. “I’m going to go and check on Leia since you’re here.” he offers, stalling only as he stands shoulder to shoulder with Ben who somehow made it passed the open door, “You have an opportunity here,” he says just soft enough that Rey can hear it, “Don’t fuck it up.” 

“Luke!” Rey admonishes.

“Swear Jar Grampa,” the smaller Luke says softly, as though he doesn’t have the energy to properly scold his grandfather. His little cheek pressed against Rey’s shoulder nuzzles in tighter as he sniffs. 

“I know kiddo, you need anything while I’m gone?”

“Could I ‘ave more water?” Luke asks in his small voice. 

Skywalker promises to send Jannah in with another glass, maybe a picture this time, and some ice chips before he slips away. 

Luke has his little hands under the soft fabric of Rey’s stolen sweater, his little fingers wrapped around the straps of Rey’s overalls. He clings tightly to her as though she were his lifeline with no care at all for the stranger in the room. The weeks have been full of them. Instead he presses his nose into Rey’s cheek and lets out a huff of a sob, “I don’t feel dood,” he whines, “Is the Cancer monster beating me, mommy?”

“No… no sweetheart,” Rey coos softly, stroking her hand through Luke’s hair. With his mask gone his face is now almost fully visible. What’s not pressed against her neck anyway, “The medicine is…” she needs to take a moment to steady her voice, “The medicine is killing the Cancer monster but it’s doing its job sooooo well that it’s making you feel sick too.”

“Whyyyyy,” he croaks in a sob. 

It’s like tiny little nails digging into her heart. She closes her eyes and rocks him softly. When she opens them Ben is watching her, his eyes wide and filled with something that looks like blind horror. “It needs to kill all the Cancer monsters little minions…”

“Like Gru?”

Rey chuckles softly, “No… no not like that. You know… you know how the Orcs followed that big bad one?”

“Azog,” Luke offers. 

“Yes… him and he had all his little followers?”

“They weren’t little mommy, orcs aren’t little _goblins_ are.”

“Ok… well… think of the Cancer monster like… Azog.” she stumbles trying to remember the name, “And it has all kinds of little minions like the other orcs helping him fight. The medicine goes through your body to make sure it gets all the smaller orcs as it attacks Azog at the same time.” 

Luke seems to think a moment before he snuggles in tight and says, “Ok… but I ‘urt all over.” his voice comes out in a soft sort of whine, “Can we nuggle mommy?”

With an easy nod she moves to crawl into bed. Ben’s horror has morphed into something more akin to awe as he slips further into the room. He’s careful to give them space or maybe he’s just not sure how close he should get. He’s hesitant as he sits, his large form filling the rolling recliner more then Luke had not long before. 

Rey waves him closer mouthing, ‘ _it rolls_ ’ over Luke’s head as she adjusts the little boy against her comfortably. Luke is so out of it with exhaustion he seems to completely ignore Ben’s presence entirely. His whole world is wrapped up in Rey’s arms. He whimpers as he shivers against her causing Rey to pull at the blankets around them in a makeshift nest. She recognizes them as the ones from the heating cabinet but their warmth has been leeched and they’re no more than plain old blankets now. 

It’s not enough.

“Ben, can you ask Jannah to bring in an extra warm blanket too?”

Ben nods quickly, shooting to his feet and out the door before she can say another word. When he comes back it’s with her friend in tow. Ben has a picture of water in his hands which he carries reverently before setting it on the table beside Luke’s book. He takes his seat quickly as Jannah sets to work, stealing away the old blankets to wrap the newer warmer one around Luke. She’s efficient as she works, swaddling Luke up like a newborn as he closes his eyes and hums against Rey’s chest. 

When it’s just the three of them again Luke yawns rather loudly, his eyes still closed as she asks, “Mommy, who’s the big man?”

Everything stops all of a sudden as she looks up at the man in question. Ben, she wants to say. It’s _Ben_ but in the end who is Ben? A friend of hers maybe? but that’s a lie of sorts isn’t it? Are they friends? no… not really not… not the way she’s friends with Poe and Finn. They could be maybe, someday but still, there’s already so much water under that… whatever.

It doesn’t feel right to lie and Ben is looking at her as if to say ‘ _yes… go on_ ’. As though his very existence in this family dynamic now hangs in the balance. Would it be confusing to tell Luke that Ben was a friend only to, later on, tell him that Ben was actually his father? She could always say he was Grampa’s nephew… but no… no that would only lead to further confusion. 

What it all comes down to is a simple question. Does she trust Ben? 

If she can trust that he wants to be there, that he will remain a presence in Luke’s life then the answer is easy. Does she take that leap of faith and put all of her eggs in that one basket?

It feels a little like she owes this to Ben. An opportunity to make amends for weeks worth of bad decisions on her part. It’s not just that though, it’s a truth. _The_ truth. Their only real truth. It’s as good a place to start as any. Ben’s relationship with Luke shouldn’t be formed on deceit. It’s not Ben’s fault. Circumstances were… poor… He would be here… wouldn’t he? If he had known. She likes to think that maybe… maybe once upon a time they could have been a family. Maybe Luke wouldn’t have gotten sick and Rey wouldn’t feel like this… whatever this is because it’s something deeper than fear, deeper than sorrow. It’s the need to fight wrapped up in anger, dipped in terror, that erupts across her skin in a physical need to scream. 

She can’t… she won’t... so she’ll be forced to sit quietly and fight the good fight because she has no god damn choice in the matter. But, that doesn’t help her now That doesn’t answer the question of _who_ Ben is. Ben needs to figure it out on his own but… would it be so wrong to tell Luke the truth?” 

She can control the narrative now, he’s tired and he’s worn down but he’s calm too, he’s listening to her and there is no other stimulus to impact their conversation. 

Is it going from too slow to too fast? 

She finds Ben's eyes and hold’s his stare for a moment, “Do you want this?” She asks him, as serious as the grave. 

Ben only has to nod once to convince her, “More then anything,” gets added for good measure and there it is. 

Decision made. 

There’s no turning back now because the only way through is together, “Sweetheart,” Rey says softly, “This is your father,” Father sounds so formal but calling Ben Luke’s daddy seems too on the nose. A little too much, too forced. 

“I don’t ‘ave a Dad,” Luke says with a yawn.

“Oh my little turkey burger,” she shushes as she rocks him just a little, “You’ve always had a dad. We just…” Ben’s eyes are wide almost pleading. Heartbreaking. They’re _heartbreaking_. “We just didn’t know where he was.”

She can see as Luke’s eyes peek open ever so slightly, “Were you wost?” he asks innocently, his head cocked just so as he looks at Ben.

“More than I ever knew,” It’s an answer offered not only Luke but Rey as well. Lined with meaning that she simply cannot pick through now. Not this instant, maybe not ever because after all, he’s not _her_ Ben. 

Luke shifts some in her grasp, tilting his head so that he can look up at this man, this father he’s been presented with. His eyes take Ben in slow and easy like he’s carefully deciding which superhero might be his favorite. “Was it scary?” he asks. 

Ben offers him a soft smile in return, “No… no it wasn’t but I didn’t know I was lost.”

Luke seems to ponder the merit of such a concept, “That sounds bad,” he offers but he’s pulling Rey’s arms tighter, caging himself within her grasp as he stares at Ben, “Were you trying to find us?”

Oh the innocence of a child.

When Ben nods it’s like something inside her knits together only to be pulled apart and then sewn together again slowly. A warm ripping sensation that suddenly feels inexplicably whole. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

“Are you gonna w’ive with us?” 

Ben laughs suddenly but It’s Rey who offers Luke an answer, “No,no sweetheart. Ben lives with Gwen. Remember the tall lady?”

“You w'ive up a beanstalk?” Luke asks quietly and Ben it seems has no sweet clue how to answer, “The tall wady, she said she w'ived in a very tall building. Do you w’ive in a tall building?"

“We ran into Gwen in the cafeteria,” Rey offers by way of explanation. It seems Gwen didn’t deem it important enough news to share. 

“Does she… she didn’t… she didn’t figure it out?”

“I know, it’s hard to imagine.”

“I mean he looks so much like you.” Ben offers to which Rey laughs, pulling back Luke’s hair off his ears, “Oh… no those are mine, sorry kid.” 

“Mommy says I ‘ave wovewy ears,” Luke tries with another yawn. 

His eyes slip closed again as sleep tugs at his little consciousness. He’s not long for the would of the awake and alert and when Luke falls into la-la land it’ll leave Rey and Ben to one another's company. Ben looks a little like he's torn between leaving and just sitting there a little longer. He eyes the door cautiously, almost fearfully as though Rey might kick him out. 

“You can stay…” Rey tells him softly

“I just… I can’t stop looking at him.” Ben offers in total awe. She understands though, she really does. For months after Luke was born all she could do was stare at him. As though she wasn’t quite sure… as though she couldn’t quite believe he was real. Still, even now those notions crawl through her mind leaving her to stare at the sleeping form of her little boy for a little longer than polite society might deem normal. 

When she breathes him in all she can smell is the chemical burn from the chemo. Like it’s seeping through his pores like the poison it is. It’s bitter and acrid but not strong, just a faint enough smell that it tickles her nose and makes her want to sneeze. She misses the smell of her little boy, the smell of dirt and strawberries, and sunlight. 

“He’s…” Ben starts and then stops himself, as he slips forward in his seat just a little, “I just want… can I touch him?” saying it out loud sounds a little off but she understands that need. Watching this living, breathing extension of yourself exist outside of your body is… surreal. It’s mind-boggling and at times confusing. Almost as though maybe you just made it all up. 

Ben’s fingers trace a soft line across Luke’s forehead and the little boy merely gasps and mumbles in his sleep. Ben lets his touch linger, brushing away stray strands of hair that have fallen into Luke’s would be line of vision. It’s a sight to behold, watching Ben, tall and tough, and maybe even a little crass by times. No… definitely crass. Completely enamored by something as simple as a sleeping child. Not just any sleeping child. _His_ sleeping child. 

She watches as the tears start to fall, slow and easy like dandelion fuzz on a breeze. When Ben sits back he knits his fingers together, stretching out his legs and just… watches. His eyes are bright and curious as he drinks in the sight of his son. They stay like that for a while. How long, Rey isn't quite sure because neither of them seems to care for the time. They don’t speak much either. Rey just lies there, head propped on a pillow, stroking Luke’s hair while Ben watches until his phone goes off rather abruptly in his pocket 

He scrambles muttering soft curses to mute the ringer careful not to disturb Luke’s peaceful slumber. Rey can’t see who it is who might be calling but Ben doesn’t seem to care much. Maybe it’s work or his mother. Maybe it’s Gwen… a thought that pops her happy little bubble, like an atom bomb going off. 

Ben mutters soft apologies as he looks over his messages. He takes his time replying, his fingers moving across the screen faster then Rey has ever seen anyone capable of. His phone gives off a consistent and severe buzz again and Ben hits what Rey assumes is ignore again. He doesn't seem under any illusion of power, just a man trying to disconnect, “Dad’s out of surgery,” she hears him say softly.

“If it’s Leia calling you should answer.”

“It’s not.” But he leaves it at that as the phone buzzes again. It’s another sustained vibration, another call. As though the caller's screams can be felt through each hum knowing they’re being ignored. “Gwen,” he mutters and taps mute again before fiddling with the screen. He seems to be typing out another message before he throws his phone unceremoniously into the reusable grocery bag at his feet.

“If you want to go up and see your dad…” Rey starts to offer. 

“Naw, Luke’s with mom now. Han won’t be conscious for another hour or more. I’d like to stay here if that’s ok?”

It’s hard not to let her joy shine too brightly but she nods all the same before tucking her face against Luke’s sleeping head. Poe and Finn come back at some point. They let her know they’re going home for a bit but promise to be back with something home-cooked for once. Jannah is a presence, popping in every so often to make sure everything is good. She doesn’t say much more than the standard inquiry taking Luke’s temperature before zipping off again.

Ben is ignoring his phone now and it’s odd to think that something simple can him away from all that he once deemed important in his life. Rey tries to hide from him, tries not to stare too much but when she does find herself looking she notices how utterly lost he appears. Not in a bad way, like he’ll never find his way back to civilization. It’s more in the cant stop looking, in a 'can’t believe this is real', sort of way. As though he’s just found out he’s won a lifetime supply of Nutella or that he’ll never have to pay for gas ever again. 

When Ben leaves it’s bittersweet. He leans in and brushes his lips against Luke’s forehead and then Rey’s as well. His touch lingers for a breath too long before he pulls his phone out of the bag and curses beneath his breath. When he disappears it gives Rey a moment to breathe again. A moment to think about the implications of his touch and how everything seemed to happen all at once. How this will affect their lives… Luke’s life.

A family… they could be a family. 

Families came in all different shapes and sizes after all. They just needed to figure out how they want theirs to look. 

Ben makes visiting Luke a regular occurrence over the next couple of days His visits are random and never quite the same duration. Sometimes he’s only there for twenty minutes before he rushes off to see his father. Other times he brings his laptop and sits idly by working on.. well whatever work stuff he might need to be working on while Luke snoozes and Rey lies curled against him. They don’t talk much about what's going to happen or how all this is supposed to play out. Rey isn’t entirely sure Ben has told Gwen yet because he doesn’t bring it up and she doesn’t ask.

They live in this strange little bubble that they seem to have built just for themselves. It’s almost dangerous in a way, as though Ben exists for them and them alone. It’s sweet the way he sweeps in unannounced but it makes Poe and Finn uncomfortable. They’ve never said anything, and Rey isn’t sure they ever would unless they worried Luke was being put in danger. They’ve never said anything negative about the visits, they just choose not to stick around when Ben stops by. They slip off under the guise of a coffee run and miraculously don’t return until after Ben has gone. 

Luke loves Ben’s company too which is amazing to witness. He's still far too tired and far too weak to really play but Ben comes and they chat or they read. One day Ben even brought a puzzle which he and Luke put together quietly. It isn't until closer to his third chemo session that Luke's energy starts to return. Session two it seems was much harder on his system then session one which does not bode well for session three. Cassian warns them to prepare because it is only going to worsen but it's a sign the chemo is doing its job. With any luck they won't need to look at a stem cell transplant. That in and of itself is good news. 

For as often as Ben comes by, he and Cassian's paths never seem to cross. They pass like ships crossing in the night blissfully unaware of one another and for some reason Rey thinks she'd rather it that way. For now at least. Luke tells Doctor Andor all about his dad though. About his fancy suits and his ties or how he likes to read to him like Grampa does. It's only been a few days but already Rey can see what a blessing Ben has been in Luke's life. 

Cassian seems to agree as well. He asks Luke questions about Ben and tells him how amazing it sounds and how lucky it is that his father has found him. He’s been kind as he explains to them all that this is a desperate uphill battle and Luke will likely feel a lot worse before this is over. He tells Luke the cancer monster is like a dragon with iron scales that they have to chip away at. 

“Like Smaug,” Luke chirps, “We need a black arrow then.”

For the rest of the day Luke chatters aimlessly about dragons and treasures and black arrows. When he gets a little more energy about him he and Poe, who is on his days off, adventure down to the train set pretending to be hobbits. Well… Luke is the hobbit while Poe plays the part of adventuring dwarf. A young one Luke explains because older dwarves have big beards and although Poe’s five-o-clock shadow is nothing to shake a stick at, it’s nothing compared to that of Thorin Oakenshild’s. 

While the two are away Rey sits with Doctor Andor. She hasn’t been alone with him in what feels like forever. A strange though as most parents don’t exactly spend such private hours with their child's doctor. 

He brought coffee today, something from Beaus, and a sandwich that looks far too fresh to have come from the cafeteria. As he settles into the recliner across from the bed he sort of just watches her a moment. She can feel his eyes as they take her in like he’s seeing her in a new light, “You seem… happier,” He offers with a kind smile. Its the quiet almost private type that she’s found Cassian to be famous for. The ones that pull ever so gently at the corner of his mouth, like a hidden secret 

It seems a simple enough observation though a strange revelation. Things have gotten a lot more complicated and yet she does feel lighter so how. She’s still terrified, still reeling against the idea that Luke could be so sick. That Ben is here and he actually _wants_ to be here. It’s all so strange and yet her chest feels lighter, her mind freer then it has since this whole battle started

“I think maybe I’m just going with it now… not ok but…”

Cassian makes a noise that sounds a little like a ‘hmmm’ as he nods and takes a sip of his coffee. Sometimes she forgets how much older he is, how much more he sees then just the small world that Rey and her family occupy. Cassian see’s sick kids and their families all the time. This isn’t new to him, the whole sick child stressed mother bit. Sure her situation might be a little more unique but in the end they’re still just a family facing the reality of a sick child and that’s nothing new for Doctor Andor. Just another Tuesday. 

“Ben’s been around a lot more,” Cassian observes and it feels a little like a test. Like he’s waiting to gauge her reaction. It seems almost unfair but there’s a weight to Cassian's gaze now that seems new and a little less guarded. A question there like he’s asking without outright saying the words aloud. 

“For Luke…” Rey presses but Cassias smile is small and sad like he sees something she cannot, “He wants to know him. I can’t…. you said…”

“I know what I said,” he closes his eyes for just a moment and in the breath of time, Cassian looks older. Or, maybe more accurately he looks his age. She can see the crow's feet that line his eyes as he offers her a worn looking smile. “I'm glad you took the step for yourself, for Luke… It was the right decision in the long run. For everyone involved.”

“But…?” she knows there's a but. His tone has left unspoken words hanging in the air. Like he’s afraid to hurt her or maybe afraid to offend her. 

It’s frustrating because Cassian can be a difficult man to read. He runs hot and cold and right now his presence is burning her up from the inside out. It’s like he sees all of her and knows the truths that line her heart. He takes his time as though mulling over the words carefully. This sweet man who doesn't mind chocolate on his lab coat, who brings her coffee and plays superhero with her son. This man who has by all rights given far more of himself then he probably;y should have to their family. To her… That’s where this is going… it has to be. 

She’s so prepared to get lost in what he may or may not be about to say to her that when her phone buzzes it throws her off. Startling her out of her dazed and confused mindset. It’s without thought that she grabs for her phone, her thumb clumsily swiping across the screen. The action is sort of linear until she looks and sees it’s Ben’s name that hovers on the screen. Not an uncommon thing these last few days, nor unwelcome. In fact she finds she kind of likes it when he touches base asking how Luke’s night went or if she’d like a coffee or needs anything before he swings by. All for Luke of course. But this…. this… 

“What the fuck?” the words fall out of her quickly as she stares at the screen. How… why? Is this real? 

Five words hanging sit there on the screen hovering over an open speech bubble indicating more to come. Five words that turn her insides to ice and make her want to scream.

_ <Ben: I want a paternity test>_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would I be me without a little angst?   
> I promise there is a purpose to it all, like a bulldozer pushing things into a bottleneck I'm working it all to something greater. There are a few more angsty plot points to come too but fear not my darlings this is a HAE story despite all the drama   
> Don't forget to let me know what you think and come say hellooooo on [The Twitter](https://twitter.com/ABeautifulBrea1)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you’re implying I can’t be trusted,” Rey starts but Gwen is all over her the minute she opens her mouth.
> 
> “That’s exactly what I’m implying. Isn’t it just too perfect you run into Ben five years after some torrid affair. You, his father's nurse, him a lawyer on the fast track to partner and the son of Leia Organa to boot.” She lists off all these things, things that apparently make Ben worth something. Things she should want, reasons to want him but none of those things matter to her. Not really. He’s just… Ben and that’s enough for her. It would be enough for her.
> 
> “I didn’t know,” Rey tries, but the words die off, choked by emotion that she’s trying to suffocate. She feels a little dizzy, hands groping the back of the chair that’s sitting in front of her. It takes a moment to steady her breathing but the world slowly stops spinning. She can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard for me to write for a lot of reasons. I honestly think I rewrote it a good five times until I came up with this. I wanted to make sure I got this right because to me it's almost as important as Ben finding out.  
> OHHHH And Check [This](https://twitter.com/rebelscumashie/status/1258849504721240064/photo/1) out. I had  
> [This amazning artist](https://twitter.com/LP_artworks) draw Rey and Ben dancing from chapter 4 and I'm in fucking Love. LOOK AT THEM!!  
> Oh and anyone who's interested I smutted up chapter 6 a bit... you know... just because

There are so many things Rey had wanted to say, so many expletives pent up and ready to explode from her. She wanted to tell him to get bent. Was that even something people said anymore? 

_Fuck off…_ There, that was a good one, concise and easy. It was exactly what he needed to hear. Dear Mr. Benjamin Solo, kindly fuck off. Did he really think that she would lie to him about something like this? Did he really think so little of her?

In reality she knew his request was a rational one, any sane person would want proof if someone walked up to them and told them they had a child they’d never known about. Whoops, by the way… 

Still, it hurt to think that Ben might deny Luke. That just looking at the kid wasn’t enough. It was clear to anyone who had eyes who Ben was to the boy and after only a few short days Luke already talked about Ben like he was the greatest thing of life. Kids are funny like that, so resilient. He took it all at face value. Oh, this is my dad? Ok cool, moving on.

The first time Ben had run his hand through his hair Luke went wild. It was a tick for Ben, pulling his fringe back away from his eyes. Something he did without thought. Rey can remember him doing it all those years ago. She can remember doing it herself. Laying underneath him trapped by his solid form carding her fingers through his hair. He’d enjoyed it, _a lot_. Her fingers massaging his scalp as he nuzzled his nose against her sternum, living in the valley between her breasts. 

No… she cannot think about that.

Luke, Ben, Hair… 

Luke had lost his mind when Ben pulled his hair back, the tips of his ears peeking out beneath his dark chestnut locks. Luke, had hair a little lighter then Ben, closer to her own shade of brown but the ears? Ben and Luke had the same ears. Ears that stuck out and turned pink when they were emotional. While Ben’s tended to rogue up when he was embarrassed and if she remembered correctly, aroused. Lukes would glow when he was angry or upset. 

Such a simple thing, inconsequential really, but it had made all the difference in Luke’s world. He wasn’t alone with his ears that stuck out. No one made fun of his dad after all.

“Grampa said ‘e’d shave ‘is ‘ead if I wose my hair,” Luke had said one night as Ben hovered over his laptop. Rey had given him the recliner but even still Ben was far too large to be hunched over such a tiny machine doing work. 

“Did he now?” Ben had quipped as Luke edged forward on his bed nodding his head.

“Yeah, because I don’t want to wose my ‘air,” Luke told him earnestly. 

Ben had looked shocked, then closed his laptop and slid it into his bag as though nothing else mattered more than that conversation, “I wouldn’t want to either,” Ben told him, “but the thing about hair is, it grows back.” 

For a man who spent his days working on depositions and placating clients, Ben was proving to be exceedingly good with kids or at the very least, he was amazing with Luke , “Kids’ll make fun of my ears.” 

It still broke her heart every time she heard it, the idea that kids would be so cruel. Ben however nodded sagely, like he wasn’t surprised at all, “I understand, I know how you feel. I was made fun of for my ears too.” 

“You were?” 

“Yeah!” Ben had responded easily, his tone light but understanding, “All the time, it sucked.”

“Swear jaw,” Luke had muttered.

“For suck?” Luke nodded as Ben rummaged through his pockets for some change. She remembers it clearly, Ben had been wearing dark wash jeans with a plain baby blue button-down with a blazer. He looked… well… _she_ looked and that was what really mattered.

"Do people make fun or your ears now?" Luke had asked cautiously, watching as Ben pulled out a hand full of bills. 

Ben grinned and leaned in, "Nope, I'm a big fancy lawyer now, no one says anything about my ears."

He'd handed Rey a five-dollar bill without question, his thumb caressing her pinky as he deposited into her hand but his touch lingered just a moment too long. The caress was electric, like something elicit had passed between them. The tips of Ben's ears pinked up, which Luke was all too willing to point out because his did that too whenever he was mad at something. Was Ben mad? Ben had assured him he wasn't mad and Luke prattled on the way children often do. 

After that he told everyone he could that his dad was a big fancy lawyer. Truthfully he had no idea what that meant but what really mattered was that Luke had walked away from the exchange feeling a lot better about his ears thanks to Ben.

That, was what made this whole thing _suck_ so badly. The idea that Ben could take a moment like that and taint it. 

It had thrown her into a full-blown anxiety attack which Cassian nor Poe was able to get her out of. Luke thankfully had been on his way back in with a pot full of beef stew and a pretty decent hangover when Rey’s panic had reached its peak. Jannah had whisked her away to a private room so that Lucas wouldn’t be exposed to Rey’s sudden surge of emotions. Once Skywalker had stepped in it was minutes before she was calm again. 

He had this effect on her, this calming presence that made the world right itself again. He’d gotten her counselling, he’d sat in on sessions when asked. He’d been there through he trial drugs and the ups and the downs until finally they found a medication that worked. She hadn’t needed them long, and when Rey had gotten pregnant with Luke that was the end of the SSRIs and the Ativan. Every so often under extreme duress the anxiety would flare up again and quite frankly it was no surprise to anyone that she was peeking in a time like this. 

“I think it might be time to talk to one of the doctors about getting you back on your meds, just for a little while,” Luke told her evenly, no judgement, no pretense, just facts. Luke was good at facts. He’d encouraged her a hand full of times now to come home and smoke a joint with him, it was legal now after all and no one would begrudge the mom of a kid with cancer an evening to unwind a little. She’d turned down every offer until Luke just slipped one in her pocket, “It’s a left-handed cigarette kid, save it for a rainy day.”

It felt more and more like that rainy day was just around the corner. _No_ , she could do this. She and Luke hashed out the logistics behind the conversation, what she needed to say what she needed to _avoid_ saying. 

“Stick to the facts kid. You got this. I know it sucks but think of this as your opportunity to get everything out in the open. No drama right?”

No Drama, that was what she had made Ben promise her, “This feels like loads of drama.” Rey confided softly. 

She couldn’t see the look on Luke’s face because he had her tucked in close, his arm wrapped around her shoulder like he used to when she was a kid. Like he often does when she’s upset, “Look, I shouldn’t be saying this,” he starts.

“Then don’t, there’s no point in stirring the pot and you don’t need to get yourself in trouble.” Luke’s position as Leia’s brother put him in a place where he was privy to a lot more information then he likely should be. Leia liked to chat, she liked to chat and she had a particular distaste for Ben’s current partner which put Rey in a very awkward position. As such, Rey found herself avoiding being alone with Leia until everything sort of settled out. Han was a good buffer, he could get her calmed down or at least get her to stop talking about Gwen. It had only happened twice now but Rey hated feeling like she was in the middle of some sort of made for TV movie. 

“No, no, listen to me kid,” Luke has his serious face on so she knows there’s no way of getting him to back down, “Leia was over last night.” Luke starts making Rey laugh. 

“Did the two of you get into your stash?”

Luke has the good sense to look sheepish, “I made brownies, Mara walked me through the whole butter thing, it wasn’t that hard once I got started. Just time consuming really.” Note to self make sure Finn of Poe go over the house with a fine-toothed comb to make sure their stoner foster father didn’t miss any of his pot paraphernalia when he'd cleaned up. “Anway, yes Leia came over, had a brownie or two.”

“Jesus Luke, seriously?” As someone who has had Luke’s brownies the idea of Leia, all five foot nothing of her sitting down and mowing into two of them is terrifying. 

“Leia’s stone-cold kid, she can handle a good high, anyway. Not my point, stop distracting me.” Luke is still a little brain fried and easily squirrelled. Any other day it would have been a joy to mess with him, just a little. Today… well Rey doesn’t have the heart. “We got talking about Luke, Leia loves the kid. She thinks he’s funny and… well… she has your back for what it’s worth.”

A strange sentiment implying… what? “There’s no sides here other then Lukes…” she tires, pulling away from Skywalker to peer at him cautiously, now she wants to know. “Luke… out with it.”

“Look, from what I gather, Gwen found out before Ben told her and lost her… well she lost her shit.” It’s always kind of funny when Luke swears, it usually only happens when he’s drunk but apparently potty-mouthed Luke is a hangover occasion now as well. “Ben called Leia accusing her of telling Gwen. Let me tell you that was not pretty.” 

“This happened last night?”

“Yep, thank god Leia was half in the bag. I thought she was going to drive over there and go bonkers on the both of them. Anyway, Gwen apparently caused a huge fuss. I could hear some of the fight, Leia put Ben on speakerphone at one point, he was being so loud and Gwen was… Look, I don’t say this lightly but she was acting like a fucking cunt. I mean you could hear shit breaking and Ben… fuck I’ve never heard someone so pissed off before. I’ll tell you kid if you ever talked to me like that I’d have your hide, adult or not.”

The idea of that much violence makes Rey’s anxiety flare up again. Her chest aches as her breathing stutters and Luke has to grab her hands to steady her. “Hey… hey…” He calls softly, “It’ll be ok. Just be calm when you meet him, I mean you’re just meeting _him_ right?”

“As far as I know,” the idea of meeting Gwen too makes her want to throw up. Like projectile vomit all over the floor. The last time she’d been put in a position of confrontation she’d punched the girl in the nose. Punching Gwen while it may be something that might make Rey feel better feels like a solidly poor lifestyle choice. For one she was a lawyer with lots of legal knowledge and a capability to crush her you know… legally. Two, Gwen was the size of an amazon and looked like she could stomp Rey into the ground beneath her Jimmy Choo’s or whatever insane designer brand heel she might be wearing that day. It sure as hell was not going to beChuck Taylors. 

“So you’re golden, you tell Ben you’re open to any conversation he might want to have but it should all be done in person. Texting causes too much drama,” Giving Rey a cheeky smile Luke adds for good measure in his best impression of an old man voice, “You kids and your fancy cellular telephones.” 

Rey chuckles and checks the time. She’s supposed to meet Ben in the third conference room on the fifth floor of the annex. Of course, they can’t have a conversation like normal people, he has to go and summon her to a big fancy room and intimidate the shit out of her. “I should go,” she tells Luke softly. His response is to grab her with both hands but her cheeks and smush them together. “Love you kid,” he chimes before kissing her on the forehead. “If you want to crash at home tonight, I’ll hang with the little man but you have to promise to bring fancy breakfast for tomorrow… just let me know.”

Climbing to her feet takes more effort then it’s worth but she’s gotta get going. Into the lion's den and all that. “I will, thanks for the offer. Let’s see how this goes first.” Luke grabs her hand again, squeezing her fingers, “You gonna go join the boys?”

“Yeah in a minute, my ass is asleep.” 

He turns down the offer of a hand up content to sit and stare at the wall for a while. It’s probably for the best he still seems a little chirped out. After snagging a snuggle from Luke, a kiss and a quick rundown of where they are in Narnia (Ben had read almost all of the Magicians Nephew to Luke that week) Rey finds herself strolling through the hospital until she comes across the dreaded fifth-floor hallway, a straight corridor lined with conference rooms. All the doors, dark and heavy mahogany things lie shut, the hallway cast in silence. Thankfully outside each is a gold plaque with a number etched in black. 

Rey counts down until she finds number three and just sort of stands there. It's awkward, little like being summoned to the principal's office. Not that she had much experience with that… no. Well… maybe a little but Mr. Chamberland, her high school principal had it out from her since halfway through tenth grade. 

Leaning back against the wall across from conference hall three Rey can’t help but notice the eery quiet that swallows the world around her. As though all life in the hospital is avoiding this one location. Doctors are notoriously nervous when the lawyers have been seen around so it stands to reason that they’re all hiding in closets somewhere afraid of the big bad Ben and…

Suddenly there’s movement from the other side of the door. Voices, muted by thick wood and concrete get louder and louder until the door slides open. Rey is in the middle of pushing herself off the wall expecting to see Ben welcoming her in but instead she comes face to face with Jyn Erso. 

The older woman stares a moment, allowing the door to close behind her before she purses her lips and strides away. It’s odd. Although Jyn is not a notoriously warm and fuzzy person, this sort of behaviour is a little cold even for her.

“Hey,” Rey calls without thinking, her feet hurrying after her _sort of_ boss who is hastily trying to make her getaway, “What the hell Jyn what's going on?”

Jyn stops, her shoulders set in a hard line before she turns, “I don’t have anything to say to you Niima.”

It hadn’t been that long since Rey had sat in Jyn’s office, the two chatting amicably. Jyn had helped Rey finalize her paperwork for her work leave and asked about Luke and his chemo treatments. Jyn had always liked Luke and Jyn was not a person who warmed up to people easily. So this… this seems misplaced or wrong somehow, “What did I do?” Rey asks softly, like a puppy getting swatted on the nose. 

Rey watches as Jyn clenches and unclenches her fists, her eyes wide like two dark storm clouds. Her hair is pulled up but strands have fallen free and she’s got them tucked behind her ears hastily, “What are you doing with Cassian Andor?” She cuts in quickly. 

Whatever Rey had been expecting it wasn’t that. “He’s Luke’s doctor.” she offers but Jyn scoffs and rolls her eyes, “We’re friends I guess? He’s been a great support. Luke loves him.”

“Are you fucking him?”

“What? Are you serious?” but that’s how it would look from the outside isn’t it? Rey hadn’t stopped to think about what others might see when they see her and Cassian together. She’d been solely focused on how good it felt to have someone care enough to bring her dinners or hold her hand. 

One step forward and they’re no more than two feet apart now. Jyn’s eyes are wild, lined with dark makeup that makes her look at least ten years younger. Rey’s never really thought of Jyn as being older before, never paid much attention to the crow's feet or the lines etched around her mouth. Laugh lines they say meaning Jyn has spent a lot of time smiling. Strange, because Rey can count on one hand the number of times she’s actually witnessed such a phenomenon.

“Look,” Jyn starts, “People have seen you two around together, they’ve seen you’re getting close and people talk Rey,” Her brows arc as though she’s trying to drive her point, “He’s a doctor and you’re… you’re a nurse.” It almost sounds like an insult the way Jyn says it but that seems rather unlikely. Still, her voice is harsh as though reminding Rey of her place in all of this, “Look, you’re a good nurse, a good kid. Whatever it is that’s happening between you and Cassian,” Cassian… _Cassian_ not Doctor Andor, the familiarity is strange, but hadn’t she heard the two knew one another once upon a time? “He’s going to walk away clean and you’re going to end up with a reputation.” It almost sounds like Jyn might be talking from experience.

“I’m not a nurse right now Jyn, I’m just a parent with a sick kid,” Rey tries. 

“If you can’t see how that’s worse, you’re not as intelligent as I thought you were,” the accusation stings as Jyn pushes, “Look, I’m sorry for being curt but fucking Cassian Andor is a really stupid move.” 

“You’re sleeping with Cassian Andor?” She hadn’t heard the door open. 

When had the door opened? 

When had Ben stepped out into the hallways? 

Rey’s blood runs cold as she turns to face him. His dark eyes look like pitch as he stares at her not angry, no not really, more hurt. Incredibly, undeniably _hurt._

“What?” she stumbles over reason, shaking her head, wetting her lips, “No, no, no… “ but her words fall on deaf ears. Ben isn’t looking at her anymore, he’s looking through her, his eyes settling on Jyn who stands just a breath away, 

“Thank you again Ms. Erso, I appreciate your time,” his meaning clear, he’s dismissing her, they’re done. 

Jyn narrows her eyes casting a glare at him that Rey has seen turn doctors to stone. Ben, however, is utterly unphased, “I’ll come visit Luke soon,” she tells Rey cautiously, “I made him some hats, Jannah said he’s been worried about losing his hair.” and with that Jyn is gone leaving Rey along in the hallway feeling stunned and alone and suddenly very empty inside. 

She’s not sure why she says it, it seems futile at this point but apparently it bears repeating, “I’m… I’m not sleeping with Cassian—” She starts but Ben cuts her off. 

“Let’s do this shall we?”

Swallowing hard she pushes past him into the room. His hand grazes her back as he steps in behind her and then his presence disappears leaving her feeling suddenly very cold. He busies himself, unbutton the one button of his suit jacket as though he’s trying to make himself more comfortable. He's looking dapper in his three-piece, the pants and jacket a subtle blue pinstripe with a waistcoat of solid blue

_That won’t help_ , she thinks ruefully, this whole thing has become such a huge and fiasco. She stares at the floor trying to figure out what it is she’s supposed do or say next when she turns to look at Ben for guidance here. Ben who has always been so kind, Ben with his dangerous words and declarations. Ben with his beautiful mouth and… Ben who is taking a seat next to his partner Gwen Phasma. 

_ Fuck.  _

He fiddles with his tie, a skinny thing of deep maroon that stands out against his crisp white buttondown. He’s looking at whatever papers are in front of him while Gwen just stares. It’s unnerving how pretty she is, like a porcelain doll made for a giantess. All pale and pristine. Thank god she’s not wearing white today, that might have been too much for Rey to stomach. 

As it is she already wants to vomit, white heat and anxiety lick up her neck, flushing her cheeks before it settles into her chest. She thinks about what Luke had told her about Gwen flying off the handle. Hollering at Ben, breaking things while he had the nerve to yell at his mother. Now, here they sit a unified front. Gwen in her predatory grace while Ben looks the part of a proper gentleman. Fuck them both.

Without a word Gwen gestures across the table at an empty seat she apparently expects Rey to take. “This shouldn’t take long, I’ll stand,” _fuck you very much_ , her mind supplies but she smiles and then stuffs her hands in her pockets trying to look cool and collected. Trying to look as though they don’t intimidate the fuck out of her and make her want to cry. 

There’s this eery feeling that hangs in the air around them, something not right that makes her skin crawl. Ben it seems has decided he’s not going to look at her which is… fine she guesses. Gwen is more than making up for it, her eyes sharp and calculating, never once moving from where Rey now stands awkwardly, “You want a paternity test, you have it,” she offers with what she hopes is a casual shrug. There, easy, she’s done it. It’s done. 

Only it’s _not_. 

Ben has a pen that he’s now twirling between his fingers. That obnoxious way some people do where the pen just spins unassisted while Gwen’s Cheshire grin remains unwavering. No one should have teeth that white or skin that flawless. Absently Rey finds herself wondering how much time Gwen spends on her makeup in the morning or does she just wake up looking like this?

After a moment of what may have been contemplation or just pointed silence Ben finally responds, “I appreciate that,” he mumbles but Gwen does not look convinced. She sits, her legs crossed dramatically as she tapes a manicured nail against the tabletop. 

_Tap, Tap, Tap_. 

As though she’s waiting for something else, the other shoe to drop or maybe for Rey to show her hand. _Surprise assholes_ she doesn’t have an ulterior motive here. It all feels like a giant game of cat and mouse and Rey has just stumbled out into a maze designed to trip her up. 

“No worries,” she tosses back lightly, swallowing hard around something sharp in her throat. “We said no drama. I meant it. Just… next time maybe we have these conversations in person?” Ben looks up a moment, his eyes cast in her direction but he’s still not really looking at her, still through her at the wall beyond. As though focusing his attention upon her somehow is going to make his head explode. It's then his jaw twitches, and she realizes he’s unsettled, bothered by something.

A deep part of her desperately wants to reach out, take his hand and assure him that everything is going to be ok. It’s that same part of her that yearns for a ‘normal’ life with him, where they live together, where Luke is safe. It’s an irrational and terrifying thought that she has to push deep into her gut because there is no room for the irrational here. “We talk these things through, together.” she offers lightly instead, trying to muster up a kind smile just for him. 

Gwen’s grin is feral, it’s dangerous and it makes Rey feel unsettled and quite frankly unsafe. She has this way of commanding the room which feels strange because truthfully this conversation should be between Rey and Ben. Sure, Gwen gets an honourable mention but Rey didn’t have a child with her. All of this is so new and strange and she’s trying her best to be accommodating and understanding because y _es,_ Gwen should feel involved but this doesn’t feel like involved. This feels like Gwen is about to take over.

“Yes, talking things through,” Her voice is sweet as poison laced with wine as she purses her lips together and gives Rey one of those, ‘ _you’re being an idiot_ ’ sort of smiles, “Like you should have done over three weeks ago now. Instead you sat on the information, you played games before deciding to tell Ben anything. Ben should have asked for proof the minute you told him. But, here we are.” Well… at least Gwen is pissed off at Ben too. Maybe they can sit in the dog house together while Gwen climbs up on her high horse and tells them about what beautiful idiots they are. 

“If you’re implying I can’t be trusted,” Rey starts but Gwen is all over her the minute she opens her mouth. 

“That’s exactly what I’m implying. Isn’t it just too perfect you run into Ben five years after some torrid affair. You, his father's nurse, him a lawyer on the fast track to partner and the son of Leia Organa to boot.” She lists off all these things, things that apparently make Ben worth something. Things she should want, reasons to want him but none of those things matter to her. Not really. He’s just… _Ben_ and that’s enough for her. It would be enough for her. 

“I didn’t know,” Rey tries, but the words die off, choked by emotion that she’s trying to suffocate. She feels a little dizzy, hands groping the back of the chair that’s sitting in front of her. It takes a moment to steady her breathing but the world slowly stops spinning. She can do this. 

“What?”

“I never knew that Ben was on the fast track to partner. Honestly I’m not even quite sure what that means and if you think I care about him being a lawyer you're wrong. My kid… _our_ kid is sick. You’re crazy if you think I can see beyond that.”

“I’m just saying it’s a little convenient. Sick kid has to mean one pile of hospital bills.” Oh… Oh so _this_ is what she thinks. Now Gwen is being purposefully rude and Ben is just sitting there letting her. 

She doesn’t need to justify to them how she pays Luke’s medical bills. Her insurance has taken care of a lot of it but there are friends and family in their community who have reached out in support as well. It’s been… beautifully overwhelming but she doesn’t owe them that information. Instead she fights the bubbling rage, turning to Ben who still can’t look at her. His eyes distant and empty and so dark that they look haunted, “Is this what you think?” the words come out a mere utterance. A soft accusation, hurt and fear and rage all rolled into one. 

“Ben,” she urges, willing him to look her in the eye, “Do you think that I just slept around, that I would tell you that you were Luke’s father if I wasn’t sure?” This is the opposite of what Skywalker had told her to do, the exact opposite. She was making this personal about more than just Lucas and his right to know his father. His right to live his life with as little drama in it as she can afford.  Sharp, raw heat claws at her insides as she chews on her lower lip, her mind swimming as she demands, “Well, _Do you?_ ” 

That get’s his attention, those beautiful eyes the colour of warm earth and gold wide and bright and… afraid? “ _No_ ,” he says, clearing his throat because the sound of his answer is swallowed up by something raw and biting at the back of his throat, “No,” he says again, firmer this time but it isn’t enough. 

Rey wants to scream she wants to tell them both to go to hell. “Whatever…” she says instead, her tone as neutral as she can make it.“You can think what you want about my character, you can have your paternity test but I’m not paying for it and I’m not facilitating it. Your dime, you’re time.” 

“Legally the person who requests the testing be done is the person who pays,” Ben offers, but she doesn’t want to hear it. 

A quick nod is all she can muster, “Ok, well, if that’s it. I'm going to head back and make sure Luke is ok,” she wants to throw in a ‘ _now kindly go fuck yourselves,_ ’ but leaves that unsaid, the tension in the room is enough of an implication. 

It can’t be that easy though, can it? 

Gwen slides her chair back, moving to stand so that she’s hovering over the desk, her knuckles pressed into the dark wood. She looks like some beautiful primate ready to attack, “It’s not.” she purrs, pushing back to stand behind Ben. Her hand, long fingers pale and bedecked in gold bands slides over Ben’s shoulder. It’s hard to tell whether she’s playing the part of girlfriend or legal representation. 

Wouldn’t that be a conflict of interest? 

“Of course not,” Rey huffs bitterly and this time she takes a seat, “Let’s hear it then, might as well get this all out in the open because I am only doing this once.” 

Ben’s eyes take her in, cool and calculating as she looks between him and Gwen, “There needs to be a discussion about custody,” Gwen offers, her thumb rubbing against Ben’s shoulder in that loving girlfriend sort of way. Not an overt declaration of affection but something that screams very loudly that she has marked her claim. She might as well piss on him while she’s at it. 

Rey’s mind tumbles through the implications. Custody would mean split time. It would mean Luke in two different homes and away from her. She knew... rather she knows that this is where it might ultimately lead. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t hoped Ben would allow her full custody and he could just have visiting privileges but would she be ok with only that if the tables were turned? 

Still, Luke doesn’t know Ben, he sure as hell doesn’t know Gwen and beyond that he’s _sick._ He’s hospital-bound, they can’t just… it wouldn’t… no court would… _would they?_

Her heart drops into her stomach, her throat raw as angry tears threaten to spill. She cannot, she will no let them see her get emotional over this. They will not win, they cannot… “So… You…” she starts, her voice shaking, “I don’t.” she tries again, but no, that wouldn’t work either, “You think I’m lying but you want to go over custody.” 

“No,” Gwen amends, “I think you’re playing games. Ben is adamant the child is his,” It does not go unnoticed that Gwen has yet to call Luke by his given name like she doesn’t see him as a person, “If the chid—“

“Luke,” Ben interrupts. 

“What?”

“Luke, his name is Luke,” he corrects.

Gwen makes a little _hmph_ noise and continues, “Right then, once we have the proof that Luke is Ben’s child we will need to establish a firm custody arrangement. It would be easier if we came up with something ourselves to avoid going to court over this,” _court, court, cour_ t. The word echoes within Rey’s mind, her mouth-watering as she surpasses the urge to vomit. _One, Two, Three, Four, breathe_. She thinks, repeating it over again and again in her mind like a mantra, “We can use one of the lawyers at our firm to draft up the agreement. Simple. Easy.”

“No,” she doesn’t even need to think about it. The answer is a hard no.

“Excuse me?” Unfortunately, _No_ does not seem to be a word Gwen is used to hearing.”

“I said, _no_ ,” Rey repeats, “I have been nothing but accommodating with Ben’s time around Luke. I have no plan on changing that but he’s in the middle of chemo. Are you planning on coming into the hospital and staying on your evenings with him so that he’s not alone?”

“Surely he’ll be allowed to leave the hospital at some point in the near future?” Ben suddenly looks incredibly uncomfortable while Gwen pushes and _pushes._ Odd, but how much does Gwen actually know about her partner? Does she know about Kylo? About how Han left after Kylo’s death leaving Ben with his grieving mother and no twin to hold him through the night when he was scared? Does she know about how Ben was the quiet one or that he was afraid of the dark for years after because Kylo died alone in the dark? Passed away in the night with Ben curled up at his side. Is Gwen aware that Ben’s son now has the same illness that ripped his family apart?

“I don’t know,” is all she can offer, “All I can say is he goes in for his third round of chemo tomorrow.” 

Ben’s head perks up, quirked to the side sheepishly, “What time?” he asks, ignoring Gwen’s squawk of protest. 

“Eleven, you’re welcome to come and see him. We do a pre-chemo breakfast beforehand. Everyone will be there,” She offers Ben a small smile, “No drama,” 

“No drama,” he agrees with a nod and it feels like… something. 

“You have a meeting with Snoke tomorrow at eleven,” Gwen cries, “You cannot miss this meeting.”

Rey says nothing, running her tongue over her teeth idly as she watches Ben and his partner engage in a roundhouse of verbal blows. Apparently Ben has missed more than a few meetings with a man named Snoke leaving Gwen to pick up the pieces. Ben’s voice raises as he argues the point of a sick child and his need to be present in his son’s life. She could kiss him for the way he fights for Luke but he’s vicious, his chair thrown to the floor as they two stand toe to two screaming in one another faces.

Suddenly it becomes very evident that this fight is about more than Ben’s right to see his son. This is a battle between two people who shouldn’t be together anymore. Two people clinging to the idea of something that has long since crumbled to dust. Gwen is shrill and aggressive getting in Ben’s face as he backs away from her his eyes wild and ready to strike. Rey has seen Ben fight, she’s seen him leave men bloody but that was the boy Ben _was_ not the man he is now. Still… his composure slips and he’s less and less the high priced lawyer and more that boy she met on a rooftop.  


The volume is deafening as Ben roars his frustration, loud and angry as he throws a chair across the room, his fingers tearing through his hair as Rey slips to her feet. She’s almost to the door, her hand raised, the metal beneath her fingers a sign of freedom when Gwen bellows, “We. Aren’t. Finished.” 

Shoulders to her ears Rey trembles, she needs to escape because this, this is dangerous. She can hear her heartbeat hammering in her chest, her mind blank but for the hum of static and the woosh of blood flow in her brain. As she peers over her shoulders something in Ben’s face changes, something barely there, no more than a tick. His lips press together as he swallows hard like he’s waiting for something but what? Rey can’t be sure but she knows she wants no part of this… whatever this is. 

“I’m leaving,” she tries to say but her voice is swallowed by a loud roar. Someone is hollering, screaming may be and there’s a hand on her wrist that hurts. An icy grip that’s pulling her away, wrenching her back into the room. She hears herself cry out as she turns and Gwen is towering over her, putting herself between Rey and the door. Her breathing is laboured, her hair out of place, the soft curls bouncing at her jaw as she pushes Rey back a few feet. Ben’s reaction is too slow, but he’s there and he’s putting himself between her and Gwen now. His back a solid line, a brick wall that she can hide behind. She wants to fight but feels she might scream instead. Anxiety and fear meld into a strained sort of terror that kills any desire to lash out because she needs to breathe. 

_One, Two, Three, Four, breathe_.

“Don’t fucking touch her again,” Ben barks, he’s pointing in Gwen’s face an arm held out to secure Rey behind him. He looks like a bear in a three-piece suit protecting his cub.

_One, Two, Three, Four, breathe_.

The room is quiet for just a moment, ragged breathing aside a Gwen straightens herself out adjusting the hem of her suit jacket. She shakes her head, her hair fluffing as she laughs, high and sad, like church bells at a memorial, “You’re _everywhere_ ,” she says almost sardonically, “I can't escape you, even before this… this sudden revelation. From the night he laid eyes on you it's been agony. Like living with a teenage boy with a crush. I thought it was just some passing fancy, a fascination of sorts. Then you just never went away. You’re in Han’s room and in the cafeteria when I just needed a fucking break from it all. You’re there with you're handsome doctor mooning over you. Did you know it made Ben jealous? _Jealous!_ He was furious to think you might be fucking him. Funny. You _are_ fucking him aren't you?” she rambles spitting out words in Rey’s direction as she laughs bitterly finding dark humour in… well all of it. Then she turns on Ben. “I hope she is fucking that doctor, you’d deserve that you know. You jealous fucking beast. And you," Rey's heart beat erupts in a stucatto beat as Gwen turns her malice back in Rey's direction, "this innocent little thing who can do no wrong. Luke’s foster daughter who managed to get her nursing degree with a child at home. You come up at supper, you’re in his phone for christ sake. I can’t turn around without you staring at me in my own god damn relationship. Now, now you’re the mother of his child? This has to be some kind of joke because...” 

“I didn’t mean…” Rey starts but Gwen’s eyes are wild and dangerous.

“I don’t want to hear another word about what you didn’t mean or what you thought or what you hoped. It’s my turn. We were happy before you came along.” 

“No Gwen, we weren’t and that had nothing to do with Rey.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry guys. That happened. I know a lot of you expected Gwen and... surprise she's a bitch!  
> I know I ended it at a bit of a shit spot but it was either stop there or hammer through and end up with double the chapter so... all aboard the pain train... choo choo haha  
> Happy is coming though my friends. I promise. I'm thrilling you've been putting up with my angsty ass writing thus far. The sweet will be sweet I Promise. So so so sweet. 
> 
> Anyway, let me know whatcha think and come say Hi on[Twitter!](https://twitter.com/rebelscumashie) if you have it


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look. I know that was fucked.”
> 
> “I don’t want to talk about it.”
> 
> But apparently Ben does, “Rey, I know in my heart that child is mine, I just… when Gwen started to talk.”
> 
> “I don’t want to talk about her either,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all so effing amazing, I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the love you've given this little story of mind   
> I also can't even begin to tell you how many times I rewrote this bloody chapter. I apologize if the first is a little disjointed. I wanted to minimize the drama as this story has been full of it and get into something sweeter. I... hope it worked?

There are things as a parent Rey swore she would never do. The usual, use the tv as an electronic baby sitter (hah, to be young and naive again). Formula feed (fuck those breast is best moms who guilted her into thinking she was less because her body wouldn’t produce enough milk) Lie to her child (well… maybe just about the big stuff, a muted down version of the truth?) 

Point being she had learned after six months of being a mom that some (a lot) of those things she swore she’d never do were simply unrealistic. It was all trial and error and she just had to find out what worked best for she and Luke. Somethings, the formula for instance had been such a hard thing to accept. The ideal of a young mom who had no idea what to expect and had put far too much pressure on herself.

There was one thing in all the list of never's that she refused to budge on though and that was exposing her son to a fight like the one that had transpired between Ben and Gwen. Luke was a sensitive kid, he picked up on a lot of paid attention to far more than people gave him credit for. Loud noises made him jump, surprises sometimes made him nervous when in an exuberant or boisterous nature. He got upset when Rey yelled at her flat tire and calmly told his mother that she has CAA for a reason and cried when he found out that picking flowers to give to his mother meant that he was killing them. 

He would have been terrified, his view of Ben shattered in a few short minutes. Say nothing for how Rey was currently feeling about him. They were supposed to be adults having an adult discussion about something larger than themselves. Ego should not have had any place in the equation. It wasn’t about their flawed relationship or where Rey sat in the scheme of things. Squarely in the middle, it seemed, a place of honour reserved for those harlots who broke open marriages and ruined lives. She was to play the villain in the story of Gwen's torment it seemed and although Rey knew in her heart of hearts that wasn't the truth, it hurt none the less.

Ben had been so vehement in his protection of Rey’s honour that he couldn’t see how he was making the whole situation so much worse. Nothing anyone said or did was going to make Gwen back down. She was like a cornered wild animal. Unpredictable and violent, lashing out whenever someone so much as looked at her.  


Her cruelty was like nothing Rey had ever seen before, the words she threw around without care like grenades. It didn’t matter if they hit their mark or not because their damage was monumental. _He was cruel, he was heartless, his love was poison, no wonder Rey didn’t want him around their child. He would be a horrible father anyway_. Feckless comments built up with no backbone or conviction that they simply fell out of her mouth without any thought at all. 

And Ben? Ben just took it because what else could he do. He accepted Gwen’s insults with half-hearted volleys of his own only every truly getting angry when Gwen drug Rey into the middle of it. Once she realized his obvious kryptonite however Rey became the target of all Gwen’s ire and Ben slowly started to lose his carefully curated cool. 

Then Gwen got physical, poking well-manicured fingers into Ben’s chest, using her body to block access to the only escape route. At one point she slapped him and to Rey’s surprise, Ben took it, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as he bided his time and let the blonde blow off steam in hopes that she would tire and stop like some wind-up toy. 

Only she didn’t, she pushed and she pushed until Rey had had enough. The anger had been like a riptide pulling her out into a sea of lost control. There was the barest moment where Rey worried Gwen might actually stroke her, a  hand reared back as she loomed over Rey. That had been the last straw. One minute Ben had his hand on Rey’s elbow, a gentle urging touch, the next Gwen was pinned against the wall with Ben’s forearm across her chest. The odd thing was she didn’t seem to care, just laughed and seethed at him to ‘ _do it_ ’ making comments about how he was everything he tried so hard to overcome. There was something there, a piece of knowledge about Ben that Rey didn’t have, a story or a past that opened up like a crater and left both them on opposing sides. 

Ben straightened himself out pulling away but something in him had shattered. Pieces of a man left obliterated on the floor, pieces she knew she had no right to touch. 

So, she slipped away without a word, cowardly maybe but a matter of self-preservation. Fuck them both, fuck it all.

There’s a loud noise, something breaks, a howl of pain or anger, so deep and guttural she knows it’s Ben and she bolts. 

Selfish children playing selfish games. 

When she arrives back at Luke’s room the young boy is blessedly asleep, Skywalker curled around him like a human-sized question mark. He’s reading which really should come to no surprise, his book propped up in the crook of an elbow as his other hand winds idly through Lucas’ hair. It’s a warming sight, one that steals into her lungs and cools the crackling flames that are left simmering beneath her forced calm. 

Luke raising a brow says nothing as Rey drops herself down into the recliner next to the bed. Speech without words has always been their specialty. A quiet ‘ _you ok?’_ from Luke to be met by a ‘ _not in the slightest_ ’ from Rey as she settles back resting her head on the back of the char. 

They sit for what could be hours in comfortable silence while Luke pretends he’s reading and Rey pretends she’s not teetering on the edge of something dangerous. She can’t even bring herself to touch Lucas yet, her skin still vibrating from the surging emotions that crackle and snap like lightening beneath her skin. She can’t taint him, won’t taint him with the fight, with this emotion she can’t quantify because it’s more than just anger. There’s so much more buried beneath it that it scares her.

In the quiet, she can pick through it all, understand why she feels relief at points where she should feel betrayed. Or betrayed when she should feel angry. None of it makes sense while in the end, it makes perfect sense because there’s so much more tied up in all of this than just a relationship between Ben and Luke. While she and Ben might never be together, a thought that even know stings more then she dares think about, their lives are now forever intertwined. 

“I’m going to stay tonight,” Luke’s voice cuts softly across the few feet between them. His hand is petting Lucas’ hair back away from his face as the little boy roots softly against the pillow. “You need to go home, cool off.” A soft pause, “You can’t be around him like this.” 

She knows he’s right but it hurts no less. Like she’s failed her son in some way she’ll never be able to fix. For the briefest of moments, she feels the bitter sting of hatred surge through her, at Ben, for being so weak, at Gwen for being so horrible and at herself more than anyone else for allowing herself to be put in that kind of position. “They were horrible Luke.” she says quietly, “I don’t understand… I can’t…” but hate is a strong emotion, she can’t imagine how two people could speak to one another in such a way and ever claim to have felt love towards the other… Then again, she’s never truly been in love, not the kind that makes sense. Her feelings for Ben seem more like a childish infatuation now than any sort of love. 

“Unhappy people hurt recklessly kid,” he offers. 

Was she that cruel? Had she ever been so unhappy? Luke seems to pick up on the way her mind tumbles through thoughts like Alice through the rabbit hole. His expression changing ever so, his cheeks rounder, eyes softening as the hint of a knowing smile ghosts across his lips, “Oh my darling girl,” his words warm and sweet like a balm to her soul, “It’s not the same thing,”

“Isn’t it?” 

“You were a child…” he offers with an exasperated huff, “you were a child who was hurt and afraid and alone and yes you lashed out but you leaned and look at you now.” 

Tears prick the corners of her eyes, hot needly things that threaten to shake her resolve. If she starts she won’t stop and she cannot have that now. Pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes she sucks in a steady breath, “You’re an amazing parent, you know that?”

“To be fair, those who came before me didn’t exactly set the bar very high,” 

Rey barks a harsh laugh and shakes her head, leave it to Luke… 

Pushing herself to her feet Rey wanders to Lucas’ bedside, he’s peaceful, curled up around a teddy bear that looks like it’s been through the wash a few hundred times. It’s old and grey and missing an eye but it’s soft and had been a gift from Ben. His old books, his old bear, he was desperate for Luke to have just a piece of him. Not gifts bought in stores but things that came from his life, things that meant something, that he needed to share with the little boy who had his eyes and smile. 

Her fingertips dust across Luke’s cheek and then down his nose, a soft flick at the end that makes the sleeping child scrunch up his face and snuggle closer to his stuffed companion. Ben had given it to him two days ago and Rey honestly hasn’t seen it out of Luke’s hands for longer than fifteen minutes. Small things make big ripples.

“You gonna be o—“

A soft rapping a the door interrupts Luke’s question and thank god for that. The pressure of her answer lies heavy against her spine like barbed wire coiled around her lungs. She stares at the door curiously, they rarely close the damn thing, had she done that when she’d entered? Her subconscious telling her that she needs a bit of peace, some time to think, maybe time to cry. Another soft rap at the door and Rey turns from the bed. Her body feels like it’s run a marathon, but, buckets of cortisol being dumped into your bloodstream will do that to a person. 

Pushing the door open she’s not entirely sure what she’s going to see, a candy striper maybe or someone with the meal trolly but not Ben. Anyone but Ben and yet here he is standing there looking lost and afraid like he’s made some grievous error and only just now realizes it. 

A vision in his three-piece suit, his hair rumbled undoubtedly from the sheer number of times he’s run his fingers through it. His eyes dark and hallow as he gives her a sheepish sort of half-grin. 

“What are you doing here?” falls from her mouth before she can think to say anything else. her tone harsher than might be necessary but at this point, Fuck him. 

He’s slumped, his shoulders hunched over, his posture broken as he adjusts the leather bag that hangs from his shoulders, his fingers fidgeting carelessly with the strap. At first, he doesn’t answer, he just stares at her, lips pressed in a solid line. The silence is awkward and never-ending as she waits for him to offer her some form of explanation. Anything at all would suffice because this right here is a monumentally poor decision on his behalf. She has nothing she wants to say to him…

Correction, she has lots she wants to say but nothing that would help either of them at this moment. This is about Luke she reminds herself. She can be calm, she can be kind but when Ben opens his mouth to speak Rey jumps all over him cutting him off quickly, “I have nothing to say to you right now. You shouldn't be here.” she starts, her voice a low hiss as she pulls the door closed behind her, “You have a lot of nerve just showing up here.”

“I know I know,” his voice cracks as he swallows harshly, “I just… I’m not actually here for you ok?” it hits her like a bucket of ice water, the sobering realization that bleeds through her mind in a slow trickle. Ben is not here for her because he’s here for _Luke_. He was hurting and scared, his world thrown off its axis and what he wants, what he _needs_ right now is to see his son. “Please just… can I see him?” For one bitter moment she wants to make a snide comment about the paternity test but no… she’s not that cruel. 

Ben however seems to catch the way her eyes shift away from him, the thought that lingers half-formed just there beneath her calm. The bitter accusation that hangs on her tongue. “Look. I know that was fucked.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

But apparently Ben does, “Rey, I know in my heart that child is mine, I just… when Gwen started to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk about her either,” 

“Don’t… please? The idea of having something official saying he’s mine… I want that. You’re on the birth certificate, you gave birth to him. I have nothing more than your word and… I just.” he huffs, shaking his head looking around as though something in the walls, the floor, the ceiling will make this any easier on him. Spoiler alert, it won’t. “I just… it’s so stupid I know I just want something saying no one can take him away from me.” He wants legal rights and he deserves them she knows that it’s just hard to think the last three hours could have been avoided if Ben had just come out and said exactly that. 

She regards him a moment, careful and easy, "He’s asleep right now,” not a no but it’s a warning. 

An inch she’s willing to give, an inch which he takes greedily, content to accept small scraps of whatever Rey is willing to throw his way, “I’ll be quiet, I promise. I just… I want to watch him for a bit if I can.” A plea. It’s a plea, a soft and broken request made by a man who feels like everything is slipping through his fingers. He’s trying to find what’s important and hang on for dear life and Luke, Luke is one of those things. Maybe he’s the only thing… maybe. “I set everything in my life on fire, please just let me do this one good thing. Let me be here for him.” Tears line Ben’s lashes as she places a hand against his chest and pushes him softly back away from the door just a little. 

“Ben…”

And suddenly he panics, “Please Rey!” he stars with a piteous gasp, “Please…” his lip trembles as he tries desperately to control, no _suppress_ his emotions. His chest heaves beneath her hand as he tries to steady himself, to remain calm, “He has to know I love him. And… and maybe my love _is_ poison. I understand if you don’t want me here but… but I do love him. I didn’t know it was possible to love something so fucking much or so fast. I want him to know that he has me, that I’ll be here.” he barrels through, his brow set. The words just spill out of him, a damn ruptured spilling the truth between them. He has nothing left to lose, “You can have custody, full control I don’t care, not right now it’s something I want to talk about in the future. When he’s older. When he knows me. I just… I want him to _know_ me.” It all comes out in one desperate rush, a string of words so soft that she almost misses them.

It’s a little clearer now, like a sand dollar gently exposed by the tide. At first, she had wondered if it was a game, something he felt he needed to win before he could move on. Now she sees it, a look she understands so well. The way just the idea of Luke brings a soft smile to Ben’s lips, the way the thought of losing him is ripping Ben apart. Luke is a gift and Ben has every intention of enjoying every blessed moment he's granted. 

Casting a look over her shoulder to the closed door at her back gives her strength, she is in control. She wants to tell Ben no, that he caused enough pain for one day and that they all need their space but she knows that’s the hurt talking. _Remove yourself from the equation_ , she reminds herself calmly, take ego out of the picture. With a soft huff she meets Be’s eyes, brow arched as her hand slips away giving them both a little bit more space. Her hands bracket her hips as she rocks on the souls or her feet, “I’m going home, Luke’s staying with him tonight,” she tells him calmly taking a deep breath in as she steadies herself, “You’re welcome to stay, maybe read to him if he wakes up, he’s been pretty infatuated with Narnia,” Ben’s lips quirk in a hopeful sort of smile. He did that… “But Ben—“

“No drama, I swear,” he nods emphatically. 

“I mean it, Ben, I don’t want Gwen in there.”

His laugh is a bitter barking sound that almost startles her, “Gwen wants nothing to do with any of this,” he tells her like he honestly believes that to be true and maybe it is. How would Rey know for sure what a woman like Gwen would and wouldn’t do? But she knows people, desperate and hurt people, people who can't handle having control stripped away. She would see these people every day in the Emergency Department. People whos tempers got the better of them or those who landed on the other end of someone else's struggle. It was never pretty and almost always violent. Fractured metacarpals, bruised knuckles, broken jaws, fractured skulls. People in handcuffs swearing they’d never do it again, promising their love, begging for love, scared, alone, hurt and _desperate_. Always so desperate. 

Anger can be a terrifying bedfellow. 

“Just… promise me please?”

“Promise, I Promise.” And, just what were his promises worth? 

After only a moment's consideration Rey nods, her hand on the door as she looks at him, really looks at him. “Wipe your eyes,” she instructs him softly, “he can’t know anything is wrong. Our issues are not his issues… ok?” 

Ben wipes at his eyes quickly, nodding as she pushes the door open allowing Ben to follow her inside. Skywalker to his credit doesn’t say a word. He just watches calmly as Ben deposits his bag next to the recliner and stands staring down at the image of the sleeping boy before him. His son. His son curled up around the teddy bear he’d given him.

What Rey wouldn’t give to know what was going through Ben’s mind at that moment. To see through his eyes, feel with his heart as he watches the little boy swallowed up by sheets that are too white. They make his skin look ashen and unwell as he murmurs something in his sleep and rolls to his other side. 

“I’m going to head home,” she tells them both, “Ben wants to stay for a bit, I told him it was ok with me.” Luke nods as he slips his arm out from under Lucas’ neck. He takes care as he extricates himself from the bed careful to avoid waking up the sleeping prince. Once to his feet, Luke wanders a few steps until he’s standing in front of Ben, slipping on his lined crocks. Those hideous things that they all make fun of him for. The height difference is laughable, Ben obviously gets his stature from his father and idly Rey wonders if Luke will be the same, “You need anything before I go?”

“I’m going to go and get myself a coffee,” Luke explains, “I’ll be back. Ben, you want anything?” Ben shakes his head mutely, “I’ll bring you something to eat at least. Beau should be open for another hour or so.” A hand on Ben's shoulder Luke graces his nephew with a kind and knowing smile, “Hop in there Dad, get yourself a snuggle. It makes the world a little brighter to have a kid like that in your arms.”

Ben’s breath hitches and he looks to Rey, eyes wide and imploring. He’s asking permission she realizes slowly, permission to hold his son. Permission to feel that little bit of joy that he so desperately needs. 

He looses a slow ragged breath when that permission is granted a. He’s scared and unsure at first, slipping out of his suit jacket to carefully frame it over the arm of the chair. Next are his shoes, black leather things that seem far too large to belong to any real human but they’re there on his feet all the same. Ben is a large man she reminds herself, it’s only fitting that his shoes too be proportionate. Then his watch with a clunk as he sets it down on the table next to where Luke had deposited his book. Finally, with fingers, far nimbler then she would expect from hands the size of Ben’s he’s unbuttoning his shirt sleeps and rolling them up to his elbows.

When he slides in next to Luke he’s careful, so very very careful. He watches everything as if seeing it all for the first time from a different angle. His eyes on his hand, the pillows, the boy laying in front of him utterly unsure how he’s supposed to make it all fit. He’s so large and Luke is so small, tough but so very little when laying next to his father. It’s sweet the careful consideration Ben takes awkwardly adjusting his elbow and then the pillow before sliding his arm under Luke’s neck in the same way Skywalker had been laying. The little boy grumbles and sniffs just a little as Ben stills laying on his side, his body cocooned around Luke’s.

There’s a moment of shock, or maybe it’s terror it’s hard to tell where Ben struggles with what to do with his other hand. He shifts and fumbles a little, adjusting his hips. It’s a heartwarming site, Ben dressed in his finest so put together and yet so utterly lost, reduced to sheer anxiety over how to best hold his child. To Ben’s credit, this is the first time he’s ever done more than hug Luke, a rather monumental moment in their relationship, “Just hold him,” She finds herself encouraging, “Put your arm around him like he’s your little spoon,”

Arm in the air Ben looks like he’s trying to do some strange rendition of the chicken dance. His big ole wing moving again and again before Rey takes it and guides it down around Luke’s little belly, “Just cuddle him, Ben,” she says with a soft smile, “He won’t break he’s tough as nails, I mean. Obviously, he gets that from me,” 

There’s warmth in Ben’s face when he looks up, a warmth she’s not ready to face just yet “I won’t argue that,” he tells her sincerely causing her cheeks to flush. “He’s just so… little,” he says it like its the most amazing thing in his world and maybe it is.

She hopes it is. 

Luke wiggles again rolling over so he’s facing Ben, his head tucking in under Ben’s chin. Ben looks like he might have a heart attack as Luke’s little hands curl into the neck of Ben’s waistcoat his thumb pressed against his own nose. “You’re doing good Dad,” She offers him as Ben’s eyes close and he simply allows himself to exist. She watches as he breathes Luke in, a pity he can’t get the full effect of fluffy hair and strawberry shampoo but something inside tells her that doesn’t much matter to Ben.

And suddenly the anger that’s been simmering in her veins isn’t quite so fierce. She’s still upset, so very very upset but seeing Ben holding Luke, watching the way Ben strokes the little boy's hair or leans back so he can just _see_ him. It’s like the world has set itself right for just a moment. A breath in time where they can be a family even though they live in different houses. If Ben can love Luke, if he can keep him safe then maybe that’s enough. Not enough to write all the wrongs that litter their past, the half-truths and the pain but enough to keep them on the right track. 

Eyes closed Ben smiles, soft and sweet as he nuzzles his nose against the crown of Luke’s head before pressing soft kisses against it.

Another minute, maybe two and Ben’s breathing has evened out, his shoulders relaxed as he slips into a quiet and comfortable slumber. It’s a perfect sort of moment, the kind that you capture in your heart to remember always. 

Or… she could take a picture. 

She does, for the record, take a picture that is. She takes the picture with a smile before leaning in hovering over the two sleeping males in the bed. Bracing a hand on Ben’s shoulder she leans in and presses a kiss to Luke’s forehead. And, that’s how she leaves them, father and son, an unlikely pair. It’s not enough to wash away the hell she’s been put through, not by a long shot but this right here has nothing to do with her. She won’t keep Ben from his son, not ever again.

Sitting in her car feels foreign like it belongs to someone else. The smell is different, the seat is too far back, her mirror needs to be adjusted over and over again all reminding her just how disjointed her life has become. Even her car is not a space she recognizes anymore, her bed a stranger waiting to welcome her with open arms. The woman who stares back at her from the mirror under the visor looks older, worn and oh so tired. Who is she?

The roads are the same at least, the houses lined in neat little rows with their manicured flower beds and their lush green lawns. Homes that are cared for, homes filled with families who sit at the dinner table and talk about their days. About how Carl in accounting brought a tuna sandwich for lunch again or how Aubrey won’t stop talking about her cat Mittens and how she’s throwing him a bar mitzvah. Parents who ask about their kids day because the worst thing that happened was Joey got a D- on his last paper and Becky thinks she might have a crush on the kid in math class who won’t stop trowing pencils at her. 

What Rey wouldn’t give for normal problems. 

Their house is no different from the rest, a plain coloured home with a plain coloured door but their lawn needs to be mowed and no one has touched the flower beds this year. It’s something Rey has always enjoyed doing but she can’t bring herself to get her hands dirty. She can’t bring herself to be away from the hospital for too long no matter the joy that the soil and the greenery bring her. Their house looks dark compared to those around it, unloved and unlived in. Another reminder of how they don’t fit in their suburban neighbourhood where everyone fits into neat little boxes. 

Rey wants to break those boxes wide open and throw the contents on the lawns. To haul out all her neighbour's dirty laundry and live in the mess of it all. The grass is always greener as they say but she feels like her grass might be on fire. 

She drives straight passed the house and takes a left at the end of the street. Finn and Poe aren’t home yet. Rey hopes they’re having a nice evening to themselves, they deserve it. 

Another Right down Munroe and a left onto Wambolt and she’s sitting in front of the liquor store. It’s a bad idea, she knows that before she even gets out of the car but there's a string tied around her middle that’s dragging her inside. Just a bottle of wine, no vodka, no scotch…

Bottle after bottle she picks up and puts back before deciding on a nice light zinfandel. 

Ok, she grabs two. 

Then she pays and orders a pizza to be picked up on her way home. She could cook, _should_ cook really but the idea of drinking wine, eating pizza and listening to music as loud as she possibly can without disturbing the neighbours has already burrowed into her mind and is living there. 

The wine is decidedly a good choice and the pizza even better. Really she should smoke the joint that Luke had left her but she’s saving that little beauty for a day she truly needs it. One could argue that that day might look an awful lot like today but that feels a little bit like tempting fate. Sure, today had sucked, but days like today were about to become her new norm. Not in content but in feeling. Things were only going to get harder as the weeks went on, as the chemo made Luke sicker and sicker before making him better.  


No, watching a relationship end before your very eyes, being told you’re the reason for its implosion? That’s all small potatoes when compared to the grander scheme of things. Besides, those weren’t her battles to fight, she had only been given front row seats to the whole affair. Sure she has invested interests but that was for Luke’s sake... wasn’t it? 

Still, she has to wonder. Ben had been so enraged when Gwen turned her anger on Rey. Was he protecting her because he was afraid of what Gwen might say if left unfettered or did he honestly think she would have gotten physical?

With a shake of her head, she banishes those thoughts throwing her keys into the bowl in the hallway as she makes her way into the house and through to the kitchen. The lights are low, the boys have been home but gone out again with a note on the counter saying they’ve decided to go up and visit Rose for the evening but they’ll be back in time for breakfast, Rosie in tow. 

She has the house completely to herself and has no idea what to do. First, she decides a shower is in order. She smells like hospital and despair and unsalvagable relationships. A tiring and pungent scent that makes her want to take a bottle of wine with her into the bathroom. 

Maybe not a bottle but a glass will do. 

After pouring herself a small glass, downing it and then pouring another she wanders upstairs to her bedroom to find herself something comfortable to wear. Her closet laughs at her as she fingers through it’s sleeping contents. Her jeans have been left untouched in favour of comfortable leggings and yoga pants. She hasn’t worn a dress in weeks and her camisoles, cute sweaters and airy blouses hang neglected and untouched. Rey takes another sip of her wine and then turns to her dresser. 

It’s one of the few things she owns that has followed her from her years living with Luke. Old and heavy made from thick wood and stained a deep chestnut it seems virtually indestructible. A solid hunk of furniture with Rey’s and Finns names scratched into the back of it circled by a big heart, the words ‘ _friends forever_ ’ scratched underneath. They’d done it at the beginning of grade ten when Rey was being picked on by a group of older boys. Finn had gotten himself beaten up trying to stand up for her and they’d stayed up that night eating popcorn and talking about what they were going to do when school was over. That was the night Finn had told her he was attracted to boys and Rey had confessed she was afraid of being in love. She and Finn had always been close, but that was the evening she’d decided that he was her person. 

She digs through the top drawer, careful not to spill its contents. There’s nothing in there but underwear and socks, her bras she keeps hanging from a line she had Poe fasten into her ceiling. She likes keeping things hung up, not folded, it minimizes the crumpled look and makes it easier to leaf through what she has. 

Picking through her pyjamas, her fingers trip over flannels and silks and lacy things that she enjoys wearing despite having no one to dress up for. It’s the way the material feels pressed against her skin like she’s something special… delicate and yet powerful. 

She finds a silk nighty hanging amongst an assortment of sleep shirts and pyjama tops letting the fabric fall through her fingers. It’s a pale pink thing with lace along the neckline and hem. Beside it a blue slip with an open back, one of her favourites. There are shorts to match somewhere. A red one, a purple one, all thin-strapped numbers made from silk, satin, linen and lace that she bought on a whim. She and Jannah had gone out looking for underwear perusing the adorable lingerie options while lamenting the lack of an opportunity to wear them when they decided to say fuck it and splurged. It was the most frivolous purchase Rey had ever made. Light pink silk that fell to her thigh and left her back bare in a sharp dip that ended just above the dimples above her backside. 

She wore it once as a joke and it had made her feel wonderful, strong and sexy even. Sometimes she and Jannah would dress in their silky things and watch a movie while talking to one another on the phone. A silly thing to do maybe, but sometimes the silly things have the greatest impact. She picks the pale pink number without a second thought and makes her way into the bathroom.

Wine in the shower is unmistakably the best decision she’s had all day. The water sloshing down over her body works miracles for the days worth of ick she’s got built up clinging to her skin. Harsh words and loud voices imprinting on her like a thick scummy film. Washing it away is like stepping into new skin, fresh and alive. 

Rey stands beneath the showerhead for longer than necessary then again who would dare police her? No one needs the hot water, no one needs her time. This moment is for her and no one else. After getting thoroughly saturated she lathers up her hands with her golden pear shower jelly. It feels wiggly and weird between her fingers as she rubs it back and forth quickly building up a layer of thick soapy bubbles. The scent of sweet pear and citrus blooms in the air thickened by the steam from the shower. Her hands trail down her arms and across her chest, around her belly and lower just a little lower. Fingers feather light she stops a moment on the cusp of something much more personal, more intimate. When was the last time anyone had touched her there she wonders? When was the last time anyone had been concerned with making her feel good? 

Long enough that she can’t recall the memory in any detail.

When was the last time she took matters into her own hands and owned her body like she damn well deserved? 

It takes a gulp of wine, finishing off the glass she’d hidden in the shower caddy and a graze of her palm across her nipple to make the decision final. 

Bracing against the wall she parts her legs just so and slips her hands down between them. It feels strange, like greeting an old friend you promised you’d stay in touch with when her fingers dip down pressing softly against her entrance.She’s not quite wet yet but it’s only a matter of time, a few stumbling strokes across her clit and her cunt throbs with the sudden need to be filled. She could… but that would take too long and a better angle, instead she decides to focus on the job she’s already started, a surefire way to achieve the end she so desperately yearns for. 

The warm water makes her flesh sing as she rolls a nipple between her fingers. Her eyes closed as her hips start to grind against her hand. She pictures a man on his knees in front of her, her leg up over his shoulder as he mouthes at her cunt. His tongue slipping through her wet folds as he slowly starts to fuck her with it. His hands would be big, sliding up and over her hips, holding her in place as he tastes her. He’d moan as he drank her down, the vibration shuddering through her in a delicate wave. 

After a while he’d slip a finger inside, only one though, careful and slow while his tongue continues to pet her clit in soft kittenish strokes. She lightens her fingers just so, the ghost of her faceless man's touch pulling her closer to climax. Her breath hitching as she imagines a second finger, thick and dexterous pushing in to join its friend. He would hook his fingers stroking her vaginal wall and the spongey sweet tissue there until it made her keen. 

Her hips start to stutter, her fingers rubbing greedily, chasing the coiling heat that's burning within her belly. He’d take her clit in his mouth and suck, not hard but enough that she can feel the pull, that pull that's anchored to something deep inside her. That thing that tightens until it snaps, a flood of heat building in her toes. 

He would watch her as she came undone, eyes of sweet hazel, urging her to come for him, her fingers lost in his dark hair. She’d rut against his mouth, hold him there as she peeked, coming against his face, leaving his full delicious lips coated in _her_. This faceless man who is suddenly no longer faceless would clean her slowly before licking his fingers off telling her how… how sweet… she tastes…

It hits her like a supernova, creeping up slowly before it erupts in an explosion that knocks her legs out from underneath her. She cries out, a choked gasp as her eyes squeeze shut and her body slumps into the bottom of the tub. There she sits, moments passing, the water washing away the evidence of her pleasure as her breathing steadies and she slowly finds her way to her feet again. 

She thinks of Ben, his voice rumbling in her head telling her how pretty she is when she comes. How _tight_ she is, how _warm_ and _perfect_. She feels a flutter between her legs as her cunt clenches around nothing, awake now and needing more she’s able to give it. For just a moment she contemplates doing it again, taking her time this time, savouring the moment but she can’t without thinking of him. There is too much there to unload, too much to think about that she simply cannot dwell upon.

Instead, she cleans herself off, washing her hair before stepping out into a warm towel. Her skin prickles beneath the soft cotton as she winds it around herself wiping away the condensation from in the mirror. The woman looking back at her is only half the person she feels but it’s a start. A way back to herself again as she rubs her hands down her face, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyelids for just a moment. 

Once she’s dry and her skin lotioned, she slips the pale silk over her body and starts to towel her hair. It seems such a mundane task, but she revels in its simplicity then finds her slippers before she makes her way back downstairs. The pizza is cool but just as tasty. Thin crust with delicately sliced toppings cooked in a marble slab oven. She makes quick work pouring herself another glass of wine a little larger this time so she can finish off the bottle before heading into the living room. Poe and Finn have kept the place tidy. the hardwood looks glossy and smooth beneath her feet, the couch cushions fluffed and the afghan Jannah made folded neatly on the arm. Even the plants are thriving, watered and tended to. That would be Poe, every rime Finn touches them another one dies. Their world seems almost normal, maybe too normal because it’s lacking that sort of lived-in feel. 

There’s no kids jacket hanging on the bottom banister, no tiny shoes tossed carelessly on the welcome mat. Luke’s trucks are gone, packed away in his room and his movies sit in a line collecting dust. His presence is muted here, and although she’s forever after him to tidy up his things, the lack of his subtle chaos is somehow utterly gut-wrenching. 

With a shake to her senses, Rey pushes on, fiddling with Poe’s old stereo. The one with the massive speakers that sit in separate corners and hang on the back wall. She plugs in her phone and cues up an old playlist. A second piece of pizza later and she’s standing in the middle of her living room, trying to decide how loud she needs the music to be. Needs. Not wants, because it's a compulsion, this idea of cleansing her soul through vibration. It’s a thing people do. A patient had told her about it once, these people who ring gongs and use the vibration to cleans away the negative. 

Why can’t music do the same? Granted the volume required is respectable, not loud enough to shake the house but enough that she can feel it vibrating through her as she twirls and takes another bite of her pizza. 

So, the evening rolls on, a bottle and a half in and Rey finds herself swaying slowly in her living room. Her hair is a tousled mess falling out of the loose bun she so haphazardly tried to tame it with. She’s hopped and skipped and spun and tried some weird version of a solo tango. It turns out she’s not a very good dance partner, too bossy. She even tried twerking to something a little more hip-hoppy she hadn’t realized was on her playlist. It wasn’t quite her thing but it was fun if not incredibly embarrassing. 

As it turns out her twerking skills are rather abysmal at best. While the girls in a few of the videos she perused made it look rather simple the execution was anything but. Rey’s hips turn the booty pop into a rather awkward rendition of humping the air. Thank god no one else is home to witness. 

The song changes again, something slower, something easy that she doesn’t quite recognize at first. A few easy guitar notes, that build the framework for a dance she’s never quite been able to forget. 

Everyone has a playlist, a list of songs that represent who they are and how they became that person. Songs that have imprinted on them in some way shape or form. A song playing in the background during a first kiss, a song played at graduation that the whole grad class sings along to, a song playing when a stranger sweeps you into a dance in the middle of a city sidewalk because the music just moved him. 

Some songs get listened to repeatedly filled with happy memories of a time when cares were limited and laughs were plentiful. Some songs are harder, the ones listened to when emotions are high and the need to feel cuts deep. There are also songs that get avoided because the level of emotion they invoke is too raw, the memory too much to handle. 

Then, on rare occasions, there are songs that represent all three aspects of the music, the happy, the sad and the deep need to _feel_ more. This song, this soft guitar rift represents a moment like that for her. This song shouldn’t be on this playlist at all, it’s one she listens to in private because doing so usually brings her to tears. 

It’s the same song but it’s not, different in such subtle ways from the first time she’d actually hear it. The singer's voice had been a soft sweet raspy sound, not as polished as the original and the guitar a little tinnier but the lyrics are the same. 

“ _I met you in the dark, you lit me up, you made me feel as though I was enough, we danced the night away…_ ”

That hauntingly sweet story of meeting someone and falling in love that makes her body still. It hits her hard, the memory of his touch burned into her skin. The way his hand had pressed into her low back as he lead her seamlessly into a dance. Pushing her to the edge of a fall she had been in no way prepared for. 

_“I knew I loved you then but you'd never know, cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go…”_

She never wanted to admit that she’d fallen in love with him. That it had only taken one night, one unforgettable night and she was his, bound forever to his heart. One night and he’d stolen her senses, filled her soul with music and dance and kissed her oh how he _kissed_ her. His mouth so devilishly sweet filled with filthy words and praise. 

They could have had it all… maybe. 

A lifetime of falling in love and learning what that really and truly meant. How differently their lives might have been if he’d only given her his last name. It seems such a simple thing but it would have made a world of difference. Their lives so deeply interconnected it would have been easy to find their way back to one another. 

It’s hard not to think about it, not to let those _what-ifs_ eat her up inside. 

Closing her eyes Rey hums along to the music, swaying back and forth in a steady rhythm. The song fills her mind with a sea of possibilities. What would this song mean to them if they’d been granted their time together? 

Would they listen to it on anniversaries, danced to it at their wedding?

Would he hold her close, his body pressed tightly against hers, his chin on her shoulder as they moved and swayed together?

A mouthful of wine and Rey gives herself a small squeeze, her hand squeezing her hip as twirls in a small circle. She’d gotten cold and grabbed a cardigan from the closet, a knee-length thing that bumps against her thighs as she moves. It’s soft and well-loved and comfortable. It feels like a hug. 

_“I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head and I'll take the kids to school wave them goodbye and I'll thank my lucky stars for that night.”_ It could have been their life… so simple, so sweet. 

Her throat burns through the emotions she knows she’s allowed to feel. The feelings are there and they’re hers and she has every right to them but still, she doesn’t _want_ them. This burning in her chest, this reminder of a life, of a dream she once had. 

_“Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold”_

She would have loved him, she might still love him if he would let her but his love is dangerous. It’s complicated and messy and it’s a risk that she can’t take… for Luke. 

_“And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old”_ But how nice that would be, a hand to hold, someone to share everything with. To watch Luke grow up, to see all the firsts he has in store. Small milestones, big milestones, first days of school, first lost tooth, first crush, first little league game, first job, first love… 

_“I'm gonna love you ’til my lungs give out”_

She almost misses the knock on the door, turning in a bit of a twirl as she dances slowly with herself. If she weren’t a little tipsy she might be concerned about answering the door in her negligee. If she weren’t a little tipsy she might have looked out the window to see which of her neighbours wanted to complain about the loud noise. Surely her music wasn’t _that_ bad, it wasn’t quite ten o clock yet. 

Another sip of her wine and her feet are sliding across the floor. She sways as she moves as though being lead through the steps with a hand at her back and another in her hand. Really she should have turned the music down before approaching the door but who cares?

Her hand on the doorknob she steadies herself giving her head a shake. Her bun is no more than a waterfall of damp loose waves the float around her shoulders as she moves. Her cheeks pink with the stain of alcohol as she pulls on the handle preparing a standard apology with a promise she’ll turn the music done. Fuck Susanne or Connie or Karen or whoever it was knocking on her door, interrupting her… whatever this is.

The door swings in, her eyes on the ground as she finds herself struggling. Words, she needs to say them but those aren’t Karen’s runners, they’re not even feet that belong to a woman. A pair of smart mahogany wingtips, shoes that she knows because she’s seen them before. Why does she know those shoes? _Look up, look up Rey_ , her mind screams. It’s rude to stare even at someone's feet. She just needs to lift her head and she’ll see Mr. Connie… Darren that’s his name, it’ll be Darren or maybe Jude from down the block because those feet are _big._

It’s not Jude or Darren though, it’s not even Mr. Everette from two houses down. Her eyes make their trek up a long pair of legs, her heart beating frantically, her words falling short as she comes face to face with Ben Solo who just stands there staring from the other side of her doorway.

_“Just say you won't let go”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp... there we are. I have half of the next chapter written already so hopefully it won't be so long between now and the next update. Unless of course, I decide I want to write and rewrite it over and over as I seem to be prone to do.   
> Sweeter times to come friends.   
> Let me know what you think!   
> The song Rey is listening to is [James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yW7w8F2TVA)
> 
> Come say Hello on [The Twitter](https://twitter.com/rebelscumreylo)  
> Love you all xox


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re not those people any more Ben,” but what does that even mean at this point and who is she trying to kid? She keeps saying the words, reminding herself, reminding him of their need for distance but at the heart of it all does it even really matter?
> 
> “I don’t care Rey, fuck. Tell me you don’t feel it and I’ll shut up and never bring it up again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY!!!   
> Thank you all for being so patient with me and encouraging me to write this while I wrote and rewrote and then rewrote it again. It was so angsty at first and I wanted to give you all the happy that you (they) deserve. I hope this works... maybe?   
> In the mean time, [@TrinRenWrites](https://twitter.com/TrinRenWrites) drew [This ](https://twitter.com/TrinRenWrites/status/1277292082659577856) Incredibly adorable and insanely sweet cuddle session of our two favorite idiots. Go and worship her now please

“Ben,” His name falls from her lips like a whispered prayer.

Ben, Ben, Ben, it’s _Ben_. His name echoing through her mind like a pebble down a well because he's there, just there standing in front of her. A vision in denim and plain cotton and how _dare_ he look that good dressed so casual. His shirt almost too small, his hair wet as though he’s just come from the shower. 

Ben, so close she could reach out and touch him if she so desired. Standing like a spectre in a dream she once had or maybe it hadn’t been a dream but a memory. No, in her memories he wears leather and doc martens and jeans with holes ripped in the knees. This Ben is different. He’s broader but more polished, his mouth just as soft and as sweet but guarded in a way it hadn’t been before. 

Without thinking Rey reaches out to touch him. Her fingers trembling as they ghost across his lips his eyes wide and unsure and filled with unasked questions. 

He’s real, this Ben, with his lovely pale skin and his constellation of moles that decorate his face. Soft marks that she’s memorized. One by his mouth, just there, then another by his nose. She touches each of them delicately before cupping his cheek pushing wet hair back behind his ear. There’s a mark here too, along his jaw, by his ear, her favourite the three clustered like a triangle just at the corner of his eye. Soft, almost barely there but she’s kissed every one of them and she’d do so again if he’d let her.

Wait…

“Rey—“ 

He catches her elbow as she stumbles back away from him and suddenly he’s in her house. He’s there in her home, in her space like he belongs and her mind is whirling and thick with drink. She’d had too much and now she’s tipsy and Ben Solo is holding her upright, his hand a warm weight at her elbow. 

She’s not sure what he’s saying only that he smells so good she thinks she might faint. Warm sandalwood and something smokey, like burning cedar and spice. Woodsy and manlike or maybe manlike and woodsy. Whatever it is she loves it allowing it to consume her sweetly. 

Truthfully if anyone asked her what she remembered from this night she’d tell them blissfully not a god damn thing. There was music and wine and pizza. She’d danced, poorly at that and then answered the door. Bits and pieces stick together in a thick miasma of poor choices but the one thing she knows without any question is that Ben Solo showed up at her doorstep. 

It all sort of happens in fragmented space, a hand on her cheek, a hesitant question. She may have offered him wine or maybe it was pizza because she can remember them sitting around the counter as she tried desperately to regain composure. The feeling of being exposed, a need to get dressed. His hand on her wrist as she hurried passed him trying to hide. 

Hide from what?

And he’s there, right there pressed against her back. It’s sweet and terrifying and it makes her start to cry. She knows she cried because her eyes are sticky when she tries to open them but what else is she missing?

There’s a weight at her back and a hand on her belly as the early morning light peeks in through sheer curtains. Her legs are cold, she knows that grabbing the duvet she’s apparently fallen asleep on top of and curling it up over her body. 

Something shifts, something big, something hot against her as she trips over truths trying to find solid ground. There’s breath, warm on her neck and a nose buried into the back of her head and for a moment it’s ok because she knows who it is. She relaxes into it because this is the moment they were robbed. The morning after she's dreamt of for years.

Only it’s not. 

There are no do-overs here only time to move ahead. How could she let this happen?

A quiet grumble and lips behind her ear. The hand at her belly flexes its fingers bunching up the silk there. Silk which means she’s dressed, which means they didn’t…

Quickly Rey does a mental check-in. There are jean-clad thighs pressed against her backside, she can feel the course material against the back of her knees. Ben’s hands are respectfully placed even in his sleep but that begs the question how did they get here?

Opening her eyes it takes a moment to adjust to the light. Dim but still persistent in the hazy of a new dawn. They’re in her room, that’s interesting, her pillows soft beneath her head. Well, beneath the arm that her head is so casually resting on. Ben is wound around her like a koala. One of his knees is pressed between her legs leaving little space for her to exist without him.

In that moment a great many things happen all at once. Ben snuggles tighter, his hold on her consistent and protective. When was the last time anyone had held her like this? Panic flares like fireworks in the night sky glittering and simmering into something resembling fear before dissipating into sorrow. Because this isn’t hers to have. 

Her mind, slow like cold syrup picks away at the events of the day before, the fight. She groans. The way it had felt watching two worlds completely implode. The way Ben had looked so utterly broken wrapped around Luke’s body. Feeling like an imposter in her own life, the wine. Oh, sweet Jesus the wine. Is that how this happened? Had she called him? 

No… there was dancing in her living room and that song. 

_“I'm gonna love you ’til my lungs give out”  
  
_ Because it feels like she can’t get enough air. Her chest constricts and suddenly she’s crying. Quiet, warm tears trickling down over her cheeks to land like rain on Ben’s arm. At first, she thinks he might not notice, wiping at them quickly before any more are able to fall. Then he moves, nuzzling the back of her head with his nose before placing a kiss on her neck, “waswrong?” Somehow his voice is impossibly deeper when laden with sleep. 

A sift hiccup and she’s wiping the tears away more fiercely, “Nothing, it’s nothing,” Rey offers quickly but Ben gives her a reassuring squeeze.

“M’here, s’ok.” only it’s not, not really. They cant do complicated right now, it wouldn’t be right and this? This is complicated. This makes things complicated. Less then twenty-four hours ago Ben was with someone else. He might not have been in love with Gwen but they were together and now he’s here and he's pressed against her and his body is so warm and sweet and she doesn’t want this feeling to ever end, “Doesn’t havta mean ne’thin.” Ben soothes, his thumb stroking an idle line against her tummy, “If you don’t want it to.” 

That’s the problem though, isn’t it? Rey has no idea what she wants this to mean. Or she does, she just knows that it isn’t right. It can’t be right because this is stupid. They’re fooling themselves if they think this is ok. At least she can say she was drunk but what’s his excuse? 

Still, what did he mean it doesn’t have to mean anything? 

Sex with strangers, sure that might mean nothing but falling asleep wrapped in someone else arms, in _Ben’s_ arms? That isn’t something that gets filed under emotionless. No. This means something. How dare he think it not. 

“Rey—“ he urges and she can feel the soft tug at her shoulder as he rolls her body towards him. Her bed is only a double and Ben is the size of a small giant so there isn’t a lot of space to maneuver and yet he manages to flip her around with little hassle. The hand that was on her belly skirts along her low back just inches above her bottom. Her negligee has shifted leaving her cheeky underwear exposed but Ben, who to his credit keeps his hands above board. 

He adjusts his head some, tilting his chin so that they’re looking directly at one another now. This close in the morning light his eyes look deep and fathomless, lined with sleep but somehow utterly content.

Struggling to find a place for her hands she allows them to rest against his chest. The thick plains of muscle beneath her fingertips making it hard for her to concentrate. Her belly flops a little, her head filled with the dull ache of bad decisions and dehydration. She drank too much but at this point that seems evident, as she stares into Ben Solo’s curious gaze. 

“You doing ok?” he asks and honestly she has no idea how to answer. Everything from _No, are you fucking kidding me_ , to _just fantastic_ threatens to fall from her lips. Instead she just nods. _Liar_. He can see it too, it’s there in the way her eyelid twitches just a little or how the light makes her wish she was dead, “What do you need?” Well if that isn’t a loaded question Rey doesn’t know what is. 

His hand raises to stroke her cheek, fingertips dancing along her jaw, “Ben—“ Ben what though? Ben Stop? No… no, don’t stop. Her eyes flutter closed, lips parted as she embraces the warm feel of his hand pressed against her. 

“Say my name again?” A simple request made to sound like so much more. 

“Ben?”

She watches as he rolls his lower lip between his teeth slowly, his eyes dark and shifting beneath the light, “I love hearing you say it. Even when you’re yelling at me, I love hearing my name on your lips.” 

“Ben—“ A whine this time and he’s smiling, the kind that reaches his eyes causing them to crinkle at the corners.

Their noses bump, the softer brush of skin against skin and he chuckles, “But that might be my favourite of all.” 

“We’re not those people any more Ben,” but what does that even mean at this point and who is she trying to kid? She keeps saying the words, reminding herself, reminding _him_ of their need for distance but at the heart of it all does it even really matter?

“I don’t care Rey, fuck. Tell me you don’t feel it and I’ll shut up and never bring it up again.” It’s too early for this and her head feels like someone has set off firecrackers in her skull. Still, she can’t deny him. No matter how hard she might try she simply cannot and this just feels cruel. He has her in a weakened state, hungover and tired. 

Lips parted to respond, Ben waits for her answer but when nothing follows he smiles, “I have a better idea,” he tells her, “I’m going to kiss you right now, because I can and because I want to.”

“Ben—“ A finger on her lips and a grin leave her speechless.

“Stop. Rey. Please stop.” 

With a soft huff, her eyes search his, bright even in the dim morning light. Like a child told he’s being given ice cream for breakfast. His index finger hooks beneath the bottom of her chin lifting her head just so. She can feel the gentle insistence. The way his heartbeat hammers in his chest as he leans in. The air between them is thick with something electric, the way a first kiss often feels, mingled with Rey’s desperate need to brush her teeth. She runs her tongue quickly over her top incisors trying to scrub away the grime and his lips are there, just _there._

Rey would be a liar if she said she hadn’t dreamt of kissing him again. Sure her breath would be fresher and she ideally wouldn’t be hungover. Maybe they'd be out on a date, an actual date or celebrating good news of some kind. Luke's cancer is responding well to the chemo, he's going to be ok and they're both so emotional he pulls her close and kisses her. Not that she thought of those things frequently... no, but was this so wrong?

Ready to accept it, ready to give in she closes her eyes, his breath hot on her lips. 

“Who’s car is this?” A car door slams and Rey’s eyes bolt open, the voice fluttering in through the open window friendly and curious.

“Dunno, we know anyone who drives something so pretentious?” That would be Poe laughing as another car door slams and the alarm blips. 

“Guys keep your voice down, Rey’s probably asleep still.” Finn, god love him, “Connie’s son’s friend rolled up in an Audi the other day, it’s probably that little shit.”

_ Fuck. _

“You don’t think…” Finn again says, his voice coming through her window clearly now. If Rey were to look out she’s pretty sure she’d see him standing on the walkway directly beneath her bedroom, “You think Rey has company?”

Rose giggles something in response but it’s hard to hear. Then it’s keys in the door, Rey’s hands on Ben’s chest as she pushes herself away quickly. Fuck.

“Jesus Christ will you look at the size of these shoes,” Rosie chimes carefully, “I thought Armie had big feet… shit guys. I think Rey brought a guy home, has she even done that since that guy in university?”   
That guy in university who is currently flopping back on her bed laughing to himself while Rey paces around the small patch of floor in her bedroom, “Fuck… fuck…” She mutters to herself, rushing to her closet to find clothes.

“You want me to sneak out?” Ben whispers conspiratorially, his words falling over her shoulder as he lingers at her ear. When the fuck did he get up? 

“You aren’t funny,” Rey grumbles pushing him back. There’s little time for modesty as she grabs a pair of loose-fitting jeans from the bottom drawer of her dresser and shimmies them up and over her hips, “turn around.”

Ben’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline as he watches Rey shrug out of her cardigan and grab the hem of her nighty. She’s not wearing a bra and they both know it, “Would it really—“

“Yes.” She hisses yanking the material up in one quick pull. It’s seconds and she’s managed to pull on a bralette and t-shirt before fixing her chaotic mane into something that doesn’t resemble ‘ _just gotten fucked_ ’ hair. 

“Do you think it’s Ben?” As always, leave it to Poe to get right to the heart of the matter.

“Who’s Ben? Is ReyRey dating someone and I wasn’t filled in? Wait… why do I know the name, Ben? I hate living so far away from you guys.” Rosie whines. 

“Just move here and get it over with,” Poe offers. They’re all standing around at the bottom of the stairs, they have to be, there’s no other reason for their voices to carry so clearly to the second floor. 

“You know I can’t do that. Who’s Ben?”

“Rey’s Baby daddy.” To his credit Finn tries to whisper his response, he’s just not very good at the quiet subtly involved in keeping things private.

“Oh fuck off, really?” there’s a soft thwap, the telltale signs of Rose hitting Finn, likely in the chest. Ben by this point is looking thoroughly amused, his arms folded against his chest, “She was devastated… how… how is she handling that?”

“About as well as you could expect really.” Thank you, Finn.

“Yeah considering she’s still in love with the guy.” 

Of course…

Ben starts to approach but Rey bolts before he has a chance. Heat creeps up along her spine, settling into her cheeks. Before she knows what she’s doing she’s slamming the bathroom door shut more forcefully the necessary. Ben at her back standing on the other side looking like he might want to say something. 

There’s no room left in her mind for this, no space in her heart to shuffle through all of this extra information. Her mind chants _Ben, Ben, Ben_ softly. A reminder that he’s there and he’s waiting but her world spins off its axis. It might be the alcohol left in her system or maybe the truth is far more obvious. Ben and the look she’d caught on his face just now. Ben and the look that she’s seen flashes of over the last week or more. The same look she first noticed when she told him about Luke. 

Gripping the bathroom sink she stares blankly at the white porcelain, struggling to gather her thoughts. Still his name echoes in her mind, the answer to so many questions she's nowhere near ready to ask. It isn’t right. They can’t be doing this. Not here, not now. When Luke is better maybe they can come back to this… this feeling thats never gone away. This need to have his arms around her. 

There’s a soft hum of sound from the other side of the door. Ben’s voice a deep rumble as he carries on a conversation she can’t hear. For a moment she strains, trying to pick up on his tone, on words she might recognize before realizing she’s being foolish. Instead, she washes her face and brushes her teeth, scrubbing off the wine and grime and pizza that have caked themselves on like plaque. 

Rey takes a little longer than she usually would, flossing because they say not enough people do it. Then checking her eyebrows to make sure… shit, there’s a few stray hairs. Tweezers in hand she shapes a little and fixes the few that have sprout up along edges. Rogue hairs that no one else would really notice unless of course, they were lingering inches away from her face waiting to kiss her.

That’s not why she does it. Not really. Or so she tells herself. It’s also not the reason she applies a little bit of nude lipgloss or picks her favourite body spray either. These things are inconsequential, like wearing a negligee to bed. Small things she’s doing for herself and no one else. 

When she opens the door she can hear voices downstairs. Rose, Finn and Poe have migrated to the kitchen, “Holy shit, do you think she got high, look at the state of this place?” Poe chuckles and says something else but Rey doesn’t catch it because her eyes are on Ben standing outside Luke’s bedroom his head resting against the frame. He doesn’t see her, his eyes trained on the contents of the room, his phone held in his abnormally large hand making the device seem pointlessly tiny. 

“I’m not going to change my mind,” she hears him say softly, “No, no, I know that but it really doesn’t seem important now.” there’s a soft sigh as Ben straightens out and takes a hesitant step into the room, “It has nothing to do with her— ok, ok. But it doesn’t.” Rey knows she shouldn’t be eavesdropping, she should go downstairs and face her family and the inevitable slue of questions that will undoubtedly follow, “I’m not going to lie and say there’s nothing there mom— no, look, just because I got her pregnant doesn’t mean she owes me her affection.” Ok, she really shouldn’t be listening but Ben is in Luke’s room and she’s curious… “She was drunk when I got here. Fuck Mom no, I’m not some predator thank you — no — no — mom stop— stop!” 

She can hear him breathe out his nose sharply, the soft murmur of a female voice crackling like static, “Yes there are things I want — no I’m not— mom it has nothing to do with what I want — because— because—“ She’s hanging outside the doorway when she hears him hiss into the phone, “Mom, Luke is sick — yeah — yeah I know I’m sitting in his room right now. Yeah— It’s weird, he’s real but I’m sitting in the middle his life and — my job means nothing. If I go back to work it won’t be for them— no — no I can’t and the only reason I have for wanting the extra income is to help Rey and Luke out — Well she’s not working so — no it has nothing to do with her, this is about him. He needs her to be ok and if I can help with that— I have savings — investments. No I don’t think she’d accept the help. Yeah, yeah maybe do that. Look I should go.” Ben’s voice sounds tight, “I was planning on it. They do a whole breakfast before chemo. I don’t know maybe. Yeah—yeah I’ll text you,” A pause, a sigh, “I don’t know —yeah — no—no— all I know is that from the minute I laid eyes on her again my heart hasn’t stopped racing. Yeah, maybe.” a soft chuckle, “It’s that or I’m a moron, or maybe _and_ I'm a moron. Hey mom? I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Yeah, I love you too — yeah a bushel and a peck.” 

Pressed with her back against the wall Rey inhales slowly, there are tears lining her lashes and an acrid taste in her mouth that mingles with the sharp taste of mint. The aftermath of a wine drunk colliding with emotions that she hadn’t been prepared to feel. When she finally peeks into Luke’s room she finds Ben sitting on Luke’s bed. The small captain's bed looks tiny under Ben’s massive form. He has his head resting in his hands, hung low as his shoulders shake. He’s crying she realizes quickly, a small stuffed giraffe clutched tightly in his hands. 

One foot, then another and another and she’s there, standing on the edge of his grief. Their grief she realizes with some reluctance. Surrounded by Luke’s things, sitting in his life. Paw Patrol toys sticking out of a toy box that Finn made, his dresser covered in aeroplanes and dinky toys. There’s a growth chart on the wall Rey had made when Luke was still just a baby. A piece of wood she’d painted by hand with his name and his birthdate and the words, “ _Have big dreams you’ll grow into them_ ” scrawled out in looping letters in a failed attempt at being artsy. There are glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling and walls with a small turtle on a nightstand with a hard plastic shell that looks a little like water. Rey knows it she presses the button on its nose a light will turn on and a motor inside will shift and swirl something inside to cast the reflection of water onto the ceiling. Luke loves that turtle Rey thinks with a pang of sadness and makes a mental note to take it with them to the hospital. 

Ben doesn’t move when her hand slides across his shoulder. He doesn’t look up when she kisses his forehead or runs her fingers through his thick hair. He cries soft and silent tears as she slips to her knees and wraps her arms around his torso forcing his hands away from his face. She fits there, snug between his legs, his cheek pressed against the top of her head like this was something they’ve done a thousand times. A practiced thing they've just sort of slipped into. 

They stay like that until Ben’s sobs relent, his shoulders steady. “Rey, I don’t want to lose him.” Comes out in a soft whisper, a gentle omission of fear that Ben has kept trapped in his heart, “I don’t know him, I want to know him,” it’s a similar plea to one she's heard before but one she won’t begrudge him, “I want to be in his life, I don’t want to miss another fucking moment.” 

She shushes him softly, rubbing her hand over his lower back in silent answer. _It’s ok._ It says though it may be a lie. A tale told so sweetly that even Rey finds she can trick herself into seeing the truth in it. She has to, there’s no room for anything else.   


After another moment or two Rey scrambles off the floor and sits next to him on the bed. Her added weigh on the mattress causes the head of the bed to squeak against the wall just a little. They sit with her hand on his knee their shoulders pressed together looking out into the world beyond them. Walls painted a deep navy blue, white furniture, a net full of stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling like a hammock. A bookshelf that seems to vomit books. Everything from hardcover picture books to chapter books that Luke has had them all read to him obsessively. Little pieces of him that Ben has only ever heard of, never seen to its full extent. 

Rey lets him take it in, his hand finding hers. It’s hard not to be amused by the absurdity behind the size difference. Her hands are childlike compared to his, but when he intertwines their fingers together there’s something about it that feels so absolutely right. 

“Ben,” she tries, watching him carefully as his eyes stumble over every minute detail, afraid he’ll miss something.

“Sorry, I just…” 

Footsteps on the stairs cause Ben to lose his focus. He’s got her hand trapped within his but wipes away the unshed tears with the other awkwardly, “I know but fuck I need to pee,” a voice hisses, “Her doors open—“ Poe’s head pokes around the doorframe cautiously, “Shit… sorry guys.” Rey waves him off as Poe’s dark eyes jump between her and Ben before falling on their hands clasped together in Ben’s lap. It’s hard to explain what it means if it means anything at all, “We gotta get going soon if we want to feed the masses, it’s getting close to nine.” 

Later then Rey had expected. She nods as Poe hops off, the click of the bathroom door telling them they’re alone again. Rey stands first giving Ben’s hand a soft tug. When he doesn’t move she leans back into it, praying he won’t be a dick and let her go. 

With a chuckle Ben finds his footing, pulling Rey tight against his chest. He cradles her hand in his, holding it between them before stooping low and pressing a soft kiss against her lips. It’s sweet and warm and delicate, a soft-spoken promise offered without words. After a heartbeat, maybe two, his lips shift and he’s deepening the embrace but not by much. The subtle movement makes her wonder if he’s about to slip his tongue between her lips but he keeps it chaste. Just shy of being too much, so that when he pulls away she follows, chasing after the delightfully warm pressure of his mouth.

Ben’s smile is warm and kind as he cups her cheek with his free hand and then kisses the corner of her mouth, then her knuckles before wordlessly tugging her towards the door. The kiss has left her lightheaded as he leads her ahead, finally releasing her hand so she can take the stairs safely. Still, there’s the warm presence of a hand on her back as he trails after her into the kitchen where Finn and Rose as chatting quietly. 

“Hey Peanut,” Finn calls carefully, his voice a dull roar in her ears.

The kitchen is a disaster, there’s a half-empty package of Oreos sitting on the counter surrounded by crumbs that look like Rey may have just ground them into the island for no good reason. There are two empty bottles of wine with a third half full and left uncorked. A rueful mistake as it’s the good stuff she only allows herself as a treat. Wasted on stale air and negligence. The box of pizza is open and there are toppings thrown against the cardboard like Rey had been playing darts. The crust however is all gone. A melted carton of ice cream, an empty can of pringles and crackers, Triscuits, which she hates with a passion. They remind her of hey stacks. Literal haystacks, not the fun cookies Finn makes when she’s sad. 

“So… some night huh?” Finn tries for easy casual but it comes across a little condescending. It hurts a little, the subtle judgement like he’s been waiting all this time for her to crack.

“I…” Ben’s hand on her low back gives her strength, “I honestly can’t remember much beyond the pizza and wine and then Ben showed up…” she turns to him looking up, hopeful he might have something to say about the atrocious state of her kitchen. 

“I tried to clean up a bit but you wouldn’t let me.” It seems a little funny, he has several inches on her. He could lift her up and put her on a shelf like a doll if he wanted to and somehow she managed to stop him from cleaning up. 

“Did she drink all the wine on her own?” 

Ben nods, “The glass in the sink was mine, I had a mouthful or two but it didn’t seem right…” 

“That explains it then—“

“Don’t Finn…” 

Rose thankfully interrupts, thrusting her hand out towards Ben, “I’m Rose by the way. I grew up with Finn and Rey.” 

“Rose was one of Luke’s fosters,” Rey explains, “Luke is Ben’s uncle.” 

“Shit… no way. You’re related to Skywalker? That would have been handy to know…” Finn elbows Rose once which earns him a cuff to the back of the head and a grumbled, ‘ _don’t be a dick_ ’ before Rosie is chattering away at Ben asking him questions about his life and where he grew up. She’s animated, Rose. Friendly and kind, the type of person that people warm up to. It’s a defence mechanism, of course, one she picked up shortly after losing her sister. But she’s easy to talk to and manages to pull all sorts of strange and useless information out of Ben while Rey starts to clean up her mess. 

Best she can figure she wanted to put the Oreos in the ice cream and then got distracted. She wants to know how she managed to deter Ben from cleaning but some things are better left private. Wiping up a melted puddle of ice cream memories shimmer like reflections on glass. Her arm’s around Ben’s waist telling him how big he is. _'Are you aware that you are a huge, massive, very big man?'_ Asking him stupid questions like where he finds shirts to fit him and how he could be so cruel to his poor buttons. There’s the briefest flicker of trying to kiss him and Ben’s hands holding her steady. Crying, it may have been sobbing actually and asking Ben to cuddle. 

It’s not a coherent picture but pieces of a whole that make up the greater part of the evening post Ben’s arrival. She still can’t remember eating the pringles or throwing away all the pizza toppings but… her eyes flicker over to Ben who’s listening to Rose while Finn accents part of the story with ‘ _the truth’_ as he likes to observe it, warning Ben against Rosie’s need to embellish. 

His head on her chest, after they fell over onto the couch, her doing of course. His weight pressed down against her. She’s pretty sure she fell asleep like that cradling him against her making her feel warm and needed. Important. She's important to him, letting her hold him, his hands a warm heat along her body. Ben at some point had carried her to her bedroom. Or she had asked him too? It’s all still very fuzzy. 

“ReyRey, you want a sweater?” Poe calls from the top of the stairs, “The hospital’s chilly,” 

“Please! And can you grab Luke's turtle?” She calls back rinsing off her dishcloth before draping it over the sink faucet.

"The blue one that plays ocean sounds?"

"That's the one!"

Everyone’s making plans, Rose talking about how excited she is to see Luke again. She asks Ben if Luke has made him read to him yet and Ben nods with a smile. Poe is tossing Rey a sweater as he places the turtle along with a few other items, pyjamas, books etc into a cloth shopping bag. He's changed now into a loose pair of jeans and a knit pullover that buttons at the neck. Finn excuses himself to do the same as they start to pull together making their way to the door. No one comments on the strangeness of Ben’s presence like he’s been involved in these sorts of proceedings all along. 

“I’ll go to Zori’s and grab breakfast,” Rey offers, catching a look from both Ben and Poe. 

The two men seem of one mind as they slowly shake their head but it’s Poe who speaks, “Don’t think so baby girl,” he says cupping her face. His dark eyes are softly hooded and far too knowing, “You drank your weight in wine last night. You can either come with us or catch a ride with homeboy here.” He nods at Ben who is picking up his sports jacket off the back of the couch, “Look, Finn, Rosie and I will stop by Zori’s”

“I want to stop in and say hello,” Rose affirms.

“You and Ben head to the hospital. Go be parents, we’ll swoop in like the heroes and save the day with food and coffee… give me this please?” 

Rey merely nods and allows Ben to lead her out and down the walkway to his car after grabbing she grabs her shoes and purse. Poe hadn’t been wrong it is a little pretentious. Sleek lines, low profile, tires that seem too thin to be useful. It’s the kind of car you see driven by fancy high priced lawyers. 

“Don’t you have a meeting this morning?” Ben is already holding the passenger side door open, and hand on her back as she slips inside. 

He doesn’t respond until he’s settled into the interior and at that point, Rey is far too concerned with the buttery texture of the soft leather to catch his, “I quit.” and take it seriously. The leather groans under her weight as she shifts her purse into her lap carefully. The interior of the car looks like something out of a spaceship. Like if the T.A.R.D.I.S. was made into a modern sports car. There isn’t even a key but a button that Ben pushes and a small fob that he inserts into a slot like a puzzle piece. He shifts, both feet working gas and clutch before he’s pulling away from the curb with a smooth effortlessness that makes Rey rethink her previous assessment. Pretentious might not be the right word. 

She wants to ask him if he’s ever really opened her up on the highway, how many cylinders, will he let her drive it sometime? Instead, she sits with her eyes closed and listens to the barely-there hum of the vehicle's wheels eating up the road. Ben fiddles with something and then shifts gears. The only real tell the sudden change in the engine's pitch before she rolls back into a smooth purr. 

Rey hasn’t been under the hood of a car in what feels like forever. She can change her own oil easy enough sure but she doesn’t have time to get into the belly of the beast anymore. One day she thought she and Luke might buy and old beater and bring it back to life. A once upon a time dream that she holds onto. They’ll do it one day and maybe Ben can help too. 

As the car glides along the few blocks to the hospital Rey finds herself relaxing into the quiet that’s settled between them. Ben’s hands grip the steering wheel a little too tightly,she can tell by the way the leather squeaks in his grasp. Something in her whispers to look at him. To open her eyes and just watch. There’s something about him that's very watchable, maybe his strong features, or the way he’s horrible at hiding his emotions. Whatever it is there’s something about Ben Solo that makes her want to stare. 

The quiet allows Rey’s mind to wander, the way he’d showed up, how he’d held her, the tone in his voice when he spoke to his mother. Things he’d _said_ … the kiss. He came into her life like a hurricane. Booming thunder clouds and torrential rain leaving her unprepared for the fallout. Now he’s back but the winds have died down and then rain is sweet against her skin. Still, the thunder rumbles but she’s no longer in awe of its awesome sound but instead the way it makes her heart race. His words falling like gentle rain, declarations that should really be discussed but then he’d know she overheard him. Where does she even start? 

Then her mind snags on those two little words uttered so simply, ‘ _I quit_ ’. It’s as good a place as any to start, “You left your job?” she says against the glass, watching the world as it slides past the tinted windows. 

“I did,” simple, to the point but lilting with the faintest hint of amusement, “I sent my letter of resignation in last night before I left for your place” Shift, slow, stop, another stop sign and Ben sighs, “It was the right move.” Added, like Rey might argue the fact, but who was she to have any say over his decisions? 

Shift, accelerate, glide, the car pulls away. It won’t be long before they’re pulling into the hospital parking lot. This isn’t the time to entertain this conversation but still… still what? 

Sudden loud ringing blares over the speakers tugging Rey from her mindful wonderings. Her body jolts, head coming away from the window now foggy from her breath. The console at the centre of the dash is lit up, black screen and white scrolling text that reads _A.S. Snoke._ Ben makes a face and then hits a button on the steering wheel swiftly ignoring the call. He doesn’t say anything when the phone rings for a second and then a third time. Each call ended with the quick press of a button. Seconds later his car phone chimes again, the word ‘ _voicemail_ ’ flashing across the dark screen before turning black and the car falls into silence once more. 

“Fuck,” Ben finally mutters and without thinking, Rey reaches out to place a hand on his knee. 

“How do you feel?” 

“I really don’t want to talk about it.” Ben states firmly, the leather squeaking under his hands to accent his point. 

“I get that.” In the distance, the hospital rises into the overcast sky, an architectural nightmare designed by some idiot who won awards for his genius. The man designed libraries and shopping malls, his idea of function was a nightmare for the staff, “there’s a lot I don’t want to talk about either.” 

Ben huffs a sardonic sort of laugh as he shifts gears, his arm bumping into hers. Still, Rey doesn’t move, “What a pair…” 

For just a second she considers their position and then smiles, “We have a lot to talk about,” voice soft and easy, “A lot of things we need to talk through, for our sake and for his.” 

“I only want what's best for —“

“You kissed me, Ben.” 

She sees the way his lips work against one another as he takes a moment to consider how he should reply, “I did.” 

“Was that best for Luke?” 

Shift, slow, turn. Ben pulls onto Hospital Ave. a rather poignant name really. The road is wide with a grassy partition in the middle separating the lanes. Students from the nearby university dart out, crossing in front of slowing cars as they go about their day. Some use the green space at the hospital as a study ground while Beaumont’s coffee brings people in from all over the city. Another turn and he’s in the hospital parking lot guiding his car into the tall parkade reserved for extended stays. He isn’t planning on leaving right away, “One could argue that it is,” Around the narrow lanes Ben guides his car to the top, an open roof where people rarely park, “Why wouldn’t it be good for a kid to have his parents together?” 

“You can—“

“Just stop for a second ok?”

Parked and quiet Ben takes his seatbelt off and turns, elbow resting against the back of his seat so he can better look at her. He looks young like this, carefree in a way she knows is a lie. His eyes bright and wide and curious as his hand dangles and then pushes aside a stray hair, curling it around her ear. 

When she doesn’t speak Ben smiles, “Stop thinking about all my shit, just for a second. I know it’s hard but think about us, about Luke. Think about how you feel right now. Right this second.” His brow quirks, apparently he wants her to answer, “Do you feel scared?”

“Yes,” she offers softly. 

“Of what?” 

For a moment she considers. The fear is there, that gnawing, gaping hole that’s been eating at her since Luke was diagnosed but there’s something warm and soft around it. Ben’s hand reaches out to cup her cheek, his body twisted in a way that seems unnatural given his large form, “It’s a little less isn’t it…? Still there but just a little less. Like it doesn’t weigh as much, because I’m here and we’re going to do this together.” 

“We—“

“Stop.” Ben urges softly, “Stop making this bigger than it is. I’m not asking you to go steady. I’m not saying let’s buy a house or get a dog. I’m just saying let me stand next to you, I want to stand next to you.” 

He says it like it’s simple, just like that. Let him be there, help to carry the weight. Let him parent. Her mind reels and protests but as she prepares for the litany of reasons to flood her mind as to why she can’t, why _they_ can’t and yet all she finds is a pair of honey-coloured eyes. The panic melts into something gooey and warm in the pit of her stomach. An idea, a thought, a _hope_ that maybe he’s not wrong. 

Ben’s fingers trace a soft line across her cheek that she finds herself leaning into. His palm warm and sweet as she nods slowly, “Is that a yes?” he asks, his lips drawn into the stupidest grin she’s ever seen. Like a boy being told he could get a puppy, or that he’d been good and Santa was bringing him something extra special. Only maybe she and Luke are the thing that’s extra special. Maybe. 

When he kisses her this time it’s with the thundering ferocity of a summer storm. His lips crash against hers with an intense need that makes her toes curl in her converse. She can feel his smile pressed against her as the embrace dissolves into a series of soft pecks and the gentle press of their foreheads together. 

“We can’t keep doing that,” she whispers, her voice barely there, “You need time.” A soft pause as she considers her words more carefully, “I need time. Our family won’t be your rebound relationship.” 

“Just tell me one thing,” he says in a rush, his cheeks flushed, lips hovering a breath away from hers, “What your friend said downstairs… was it true?” 

It takes a moment but Poe’s voice flutters through her mind, _“Yeah considering she’s still in love with the guy.”_ It’s not, not true is the frustrating part. Only, it’s not entirely true either. It’s far more complicated… it always is but there are feelings yes. 

Met by his own admission _‘All I know is that from the minute I laid eyes on her again my heart hasn’t stopped racing’_ It's something, something that feels real and good and of all things, for once possible.

With a grin and a soft kiss pressed against his kiss swollen lips, Rey grins, “Yeah, your car is a little pretentious.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE...   
> Was... was that what we needed? Am I forgiven for all the angst up until this point? Don't worry these two have left the pain train and are boarding the horny express. I'm better at angst then I am smut though so bear with me haha.   
> Anyway, I make no promises on the next update other then I will try not to leave it so long, try being the operative word.   
> Love you all my Darlings, let me know what you think or how you feel!   
> xoxox
> 
> Oh and come say Hello on [The Twitter](https://twitter.com/rebelscumreylo)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Never apologize for this,” the older woman says sternly but not unkind, “Never, you hear me?” Rey nods against the worn and wrinkled hands that hold her face, “You cry— you scream if you have to, just don’t ever shut us out.” It sounds like a request but the soft edge in Leia’s eyes show it for the plea that it is. They are a family, oddly misshapen and brought together by strange circumstances but maybe it’s the silver to this heavy raincloud’s lining. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken so long!!  
> I hope that this makes up for it. It's long and a bunch of filler but there's some sweet in it two. I promise to try not to leave it so long between updates friends!
> 
> For those who haven't see it, [Lucia the brilliant](https://twitter.com/LP_artworks) did [THIS ](https://twitter.com/rebelscumreylo/status/1307080698122117120) incredible piece for this chapter and I'm over the moon about it

Having Ben in their lives is… strange. Not bad strange, just strange strange. He’s there and he’s supportive and he’s sweet and Luke absolutely adores him. He's over the moon about having his dad in his life with no real comprehension the sort of dramatic changes that had to happen for this to be their reality 

And he never needs to know.

There is no further talk of Gwen, or Ben’s previous employer. He’s blissfully unemployed and spends most of his days snuggled up in bed with Luke whenever it’s allowed. There are still many muted phone calls and muttered curses at text messages though, resulting in Ben turning his phone off for days at a time. The only people who need to talk to him other than Luke and Rey are his parents and they are quickly learning that texting Rey is the most expedient way to get a response from their son. 

For some reason he always calls back whenever Rey asks him to, leaving Leia to marvel at the strange sort of dynamic that Rey and Ben have managed to establish in such a short period of time. 

It was a little awkward at first, having these people in their lives now. People who want to help and support in any way that they can. Mara had been great growing up but she’d always kept her distance, Leia, however, has no concern for personal space in the slightest. It’s hard to get used to the hugs and the comments and the showing up with little things completely unprompted. 

She comes in on evenings that Rey feels like she’s being torn apart. Those nights when Ben isn’t enough and her world begins to spiral. It seemed odd at first but less so once she realizes it’s Ben’s way of supporting her. In the beginning, she’d been mad, like he was pushing her off onto someone else. Not willing to sit through it with her. Like he was tired already of the pain and the tears. Only that isn’t it at all. He sees a need and he fills it efficiently, not pretending to know what it is that Rey is going through. 

They’re learning each other the way they should have long ago, little pieces of information that make up their greater whole that help them work together. That helped her to understand him, to see him. Like how he says he takes his coffee black but always adds sugar when he thinks no one else is looking or how he can be a bit of a literary snob. When Rose brought up Twilight, Ben had launched in on a thirty-minute rant about the book's horrible grammar. Rosie just enjoyed the love triangle and didn’t care about the rest. He still hates heights and has to take Ativan when he flies. He had a dog growing, can’t wait to get another one and above everything else in life his greatest ambition was to be a father. She’s also learned he’ll hold her hand without prompting but he takes her lead when it comes to all other actions and intimate gestures. He feels with every last piece of his heart and Rey finds that she kind of loves that about him.

So Leia sits with her on the nights when it’s hard. She holds Rey’s hand as they drink coffee and chat while Ben lays in bed curled around Luke as he sleeps. He’s learned to read her quite quickly, following her mannerisms better than some of her closest friends. He’s given her things that she never knew she required. Space when necessary, a joke when she needs a laugh and the quiet ear of a woman who has been through this horror and seen the other side. It makes her wonder if he doesn’t realize just how much she wants him in those moments. Content to sit curled up in his lap until the sobs relent and the world becomes bright again.

But, it’s nice to have Leia too. Sometimes on those nights when Leia stumbles in with coffee and treats they don’t talk about the illness at all. Their conversations are easy and comfortable now as weeks have passed. Leia tells her stories of what Ben was like as a child, of a boy afraid to climb trees, who didn’t learn to swim until he was close to ten years old. Kylo had been Ben’s source of bravery and when Kylo passed away Ben lost his way and it had taken him a long time to ever find himself again. 

“He was almost twenty-one before he really smartened up,” Leia tells Rey one evening over sushi and tea. They have carved out a space for themselves in one of the visitor's lounges picking away at a plate full of carefully rolled rice, raw fish and veggies. “He had this crazy girlfriend though and no matter what we did he just wouldn’t get rid of her. He was worried about her I think. She was…” The older woman pauses, popping a spicy salmon roll into her mouth as she deliberates on the best word to accurately describe the woman Rey now knows as Bazine, “ _Unwell_. Hard life the poor thing, not that that is any excuse.”

Rey finds herself nodding, “Some people lean into it and others find their way to the other side.” Rey had been one who made her way through it and was able to hold her head high at the very end. Life had not been easy. Some foster homes had been a nightmare and Luke’s may have been too had she not allowed herself the chance to find peace. 

“Bazine definitely got herself stuck but Ben still managed to get through law school. He met you shortly after he finished I believe.” 

Rey simply nods, the timing sounds about right. They don’t talk about it, that night. The one that inevitably blessed them with Luke. It’s an unspoken thing that lingers between them, as though the telling of that tale is something private. 

It doesn’t take long before Rey is in love with the whole family. The wise-cracking Han and the way he talks to Luke about cars and anything with an engine. He was a pilot, which Rey hadn’t known and he still has a plane which he plans on taking up whenever he’s cleared again. He promises to take Luke, earning him a clip to the back of the head from Leia which Luke always finds funny. Leia, on the other hand, is patient and wise if not a little overbearing. It takes some getting used to, the gregarious way she throws herself into their lives. With toys and books and treats of all kinds, she brushes it off citing ‘ _missed opportunities_ ’ which makes Rey’s cheeks flush with guilt. 

Leia and Han argue and squabble the way she imagines most married couples do. Comfortable in their love for one another in a way Rey can only dream of. Leia and Luke, on the other hand, the older, not the younger bicker and poke like children. Luke makes snide comments which Han often agrees with while Leia tells him he’s an idiot but ‘ _accidentally_ ’ orders him coffee with two cream and a sugar instead of just cream telling him he could use the sweetening. 

It’s how Rey always imagined families to be. Similar to how she grew up, sure but different in a way that feels eternal. Like nothing could push them apart. Not even being separated at birth. 

Finn and Poe fit into the whole scene comfortably, Rose too on the few weekends she manages to come up. They laugh and they cry and they rally around in a support that Rey can’t quite fathom. They are her people, filling up rooms with love in a way that she never thought possible. The sort you see in movies or read about in books. It’s everything she’s ever wanted for Luke and more. A people to belong to, a family to love him no matter what. And they do, it’s intense and overwhelming but it’s magical too. 

“You’re going to make yourself sick,” Leia tells her one evening over tea. They’re sitting in the visitor's lounge somewhere close to eleven in the evening. It’s quiet, the room empty, the lighting dim as Rey curls her feet up underneath her. Leia is wearing a pair of pink flannel pyjama pants with fluffy white unicorns on them and a large cowl necked sweater that looks to be handmade. She looks like she’s come straight from bed. Her hair in a neat braid wound around her head, no makeup, just a quiet smile and an offer of compassion that Rey finds herself melting into, “Han and I are worried about you.”

Rey nods, “Ben too,” the words distorted as she speaks them over the rim of her cup, the steam swirling around her face in a haze of camomile and jasmine. 

“Ben too,” Leia agrees with a small knowing smile. She’s sitting in the chair next to Rey’s having pulled it closer so that the two might share a private conversation. Not that it matters entirely there’s no one left to linger, visiting hours were over long ago but somehow that’s never stopped, Leia. A fact for which Rey is eternally grateful. “And Amilyn, and Maz and…” she continues with a pointed look making sure that her point has been made.

Sheepishly Rey smiles, “I know, I’m sorry.” 

It’s clearly not what Leia had been looking for but she accepts it all the same, resting a hand on Rey’s knee with a soft squeeze and an offered, “Sweetheart,” 

Now, it might be the softness of Leia’s tone, or possibly the look in her eyes. Maybe even the fact that Rey has been teetering on the brink of an all-out meltdown all day. No, that’s more likely the culprit and the very reason that Ben’s mother is sitting in front of her sipping a quiet tea so close to bedtime. Rey had snapped at one of the interns who had been trying to take a blood sample for Doctor Andor when Ben pulled her aside asking her what was wrong. She’d hit him then, not hard of course, a feeble attempt at pushing him away. Stopping him from crowding her space. She couldn’t breathe and started to hyperventilate, her eyes lined with tears. They’d left the room, leaving Skywalker with Luke while Ben worked to calm her down. Hands-on her shoulders as he rubbed a smooth pattern up and down her arms.

He told her he was going to hug her and when he did everything snapped. Her world tilted and she couldn’t stop the tears no matter how desperately she tried. He held her there in an empty room for what might have been an eternity. His arms a vice around her, the pressure sweet and reassuring. When the quaking finally subsided, her throat raw, her eyes heavy and undoubtedly red-rimmed she settled into a feeling of despair that felt sort of like a weighted blanket. Her chest ached, her mind is disturbingly numb as Ben’s hands seemed to run an assessment of her physical well being. Fingertips traced the line of tears before his thumb brushed them away and a kiss was placed upon her forehead.

His lips were warm and kind as his paw-like hands cupped her cheeks. It was the closest they’d been in weeks and the panic she usually felt was, in that moment was blissfully vacant. Instead, there was nothing but the cold pit left from the emotional fallout. 

She’d asked him where he’d been earlier that day, he’d left and it had felt strange to miss him but he came back. He promised he would always come back, dressed not in the casual jeans and henleys or sweaters she was becoming used to but a three-piece suit made of soft blue material. The fabric felt like starlight beneath her fingers as she toyed with the collar of his waistcoat. When he pulled her close she let out a sigh, pressing her wet cheek against his chest, warm and comforting beneath the stark white button-down. He promised he would tell her later, shushing her as he kissed her hair and held her until the tremors rolling through her body relented. 

It was sometime shortly after that moment that Ben had gotten a hold of his mother. The hour was late, Skywalker had reluctantly gone home, but Ben didn’t seem to care. He felt she needed this and he was going to make it happen for her no matter what. 

“Rey,” Leia presses but try as she might Rey can’t focus on her voice. It sounds hollow, like words spoken underwater, distorted by the heavy roaring within her own ears. She’d thought her tears before had been the product of a break but this, now, the aching in her chest, the way the emotions feel too much. This is what it feels like to be pushed over the edge. Like being torn apart from the inside, tiny fingers prying into her sternum in order to wrench it open and leave her beating heart bare and raw. There’s a pressure around her shoulders, softer and sweeter than the one in her throat. The one that threatens to suffocate her, choking her on her own sobs as they coalesce in her chest building into something torrential. 

She feels her own body shake, hears the shushing noise and the delicate puff of breath across her ear as Leia pulls her in for a hug. Before Rey knows what’s happening she’s on the floor with her head in the older woman’s lap, clutching desperately at the soft flannel pants. The worn fabric feels good beneath her fingers, comforting in a way she hadn’t thought possible. 

At some point Leia’s fingers find themselves woven through Rey's hair pulling it loose from the messy bun she’d been wearing. It’s greasy and stringy and she wants to tell Leia to stop but she _doesn’t_ . Instead, she just listens as Leia hums softly, soothing her fingers along Rey’s scalp until the convulsing sobs are no more and it's only warm tears left trailing down her cheeks. “There you are,” Leia's voice sounds like a song, “All out, come on now, let it go.” Rey nods against the pant leg beneath her cheek, “Feels good doesn’t it.” A statement, not a question because she knows… she _knows_ what this is like. Years have passed and many things about the world have changed but grief is something that remains eternal. Fear of this nature is not something that can ever be quantified but understood in some raw and natural way. “It’s ok to not be ok Rey. We have you, both of you,” A pause, a heartbeat, a promise, “All of you.” 

“I’m so— so sorry” Rey chirps through the tears, rubbing her runny nose on the back of her shirt sleeve carelessly. The dark material does nothing but accent the streaks of mucus and sorrow that linger but Leia doesn’t seem to notice at all as she scoops Rey’s cheeks up in her hands, holding her gaze with a knowing and kind eye.

“Never apologize for this,” the older woman says sternly but not unkind, “Never, you hear me?” Rey nods against the worn and wrinkled hands that hold her face, “You cry— you scream if you have to, just don’t ever shut us out.” It sounds like a request but the soft edge in Leia’s eyes show it for the plea that it is. They are a family, oddly misshapen and brought together by strange circumstances but maybe it’s the silver to this heavy raincloud’s lining. 

_A family._

After a few more moments, seconds, minutes, it’s all the same now, Rey feels Leia curl over top of her. Her arms wrapping around Rey’s tortured form in a loose and protective hug. “I’ve got you, sweetheart, I’ve got you.” 

They sit there in the quiet for what feels like hours. As her tears slowly wane, her runny nose subsiding another bout of fear and emotion hit her sending Rey into another fit of quiet sobs. Leia takes it all in stride, rubbing her back, holding her close. _This_ is a mom. This is what having a mom is supposed to feel like. Rey knows this because it feels quite similar to how Luke would sit with her huddled together when she was a teenager. He’d been careful at first. A male foster parents cuddling up to a lonely and frightened teenager could be misconstrued as something nefarious but it hadn’t taken him long to realize that affection was what Rey sorely needed. 

He held her like this on evenings when she’d cry wondering why her parents never wanted her. Why she had been left and unloved. Funny now to think that there was ever a time in Rey’s life where she felt unloved and unwanted because now, in her life filled with hardship and sorrow the one thing she can say with every certainty is that she has people who love her. 

It’s sometime around one in the morning when, after Rey has managed to doze off on Leia’s legs that she finally stirs. Leia has remained her quiet guardian, working her fingers through Rey’s loosened hair. Bits are now braided Rey realizes with a blossoming affection as she pulls back and wipes her tear crusted eyes. 

“M’sorry I kept you.” 

Leia’s smile is kind and sweet as she waves it off as though it’s no more trouble than helping Rey pick out a pair of shoes for dinner, “Family,” she offers by way of explanation before giving her arms an easy stretch up and over her head. Rey listens as Leia’s joints crack and pop from disuse feeling immediately guilty for keeping her so long, “Han made me promise to pick him up a slice of pizza from that place he likes down on Cogswell, they’re open late and he’s been good. He _swears_ he deserves it.”

Rey can’t help but laugh, “Of course. Tell him we love him?” It spills out of her mouth before she realizes she’s said it, “Luke I mean, and—“

Leia's smile brightens and Rey isn’t sure if it's the light but her eyes seem a little watery just then, “Of course,” she offers easily allowing Rey to pull her to her up before shuffling her feet back into her flats, “Let me walk you back.”

It isn’t far, a corridor and a half but the walk is slow and quiet, no more than the shuffling of feet against the floor and the quiet beeping from a patient's room down the hall. The nurses have done their rounds, Jannah popped in earlier on making sure that Rey and Leia hadn’t needed anything before skipping off to check on the others. 

When they reach Luke’s room Rey peers in through the glass panel in the doorway. Luke and Ben are curled up in bed sound asleep. Their little boy has his hands wrapped around the lapels of Ben’s waistcoat as he snuggles in close, “Now that’s a sight,” Rey hears Leia say, “You know, I worried about him with Gwen. There was no future there—“ A cold chill rolls through Rey’s body forcing her to cross her arms against her chest her muscles aching in a way that’s core deep, “I’m not so worried now. Not like this, with you.”

“We aren’t—“

Leia holds up her hand, “I don’t want to hear what you aren’t. What you _are_ is a family and nothing is going to change that.” A soft pause, “He’s a man who needs that in his life. Ben would have lived not having children but I don’t think he would have been happy. Then again what do I know?” 

More than she realizes, Rey thinks. “We’re lucky to have him.”

There’s a soft “ _hmm_ ” of agreement as Leia’s smile continues in a soft but private sort of way as she watches her two boys beyond the plate glass window. ‘ _A half of a whole that makes up her heart’_ Rey had once heard her say. Then there was Han of course and with a kind knowing smile she’d looked at Rey, her eyes a bright hazel that darkened around the edges similar to the way Ben’s did. She’s not looking at Rey as she speaks again, her words offered up to the air like she’s thinking out loud, “Ben loves you,” as easy as you please, as though those words aren’t enough to completely upend Rey’s world. Really it’s nothing she hasn’t felt or maybe wondered herself. 

How could she not? But that’s not possible. It’s not real. It’s an emotion that’s been fabricated due to the circumstances they find themselves in. She gave him a child, a child that he is unbelievably in love with and so it stands to reason he would find himself feeling something resembling love towards her. It’s not real, not really. It can’t be real.

But, what if it is? 

“He’s not good with his emotions as I’m sure you’ve noticed,” actually she’s come to witness quite the opposite from Ben when it comes to Luke at least, “he’s trying to respect you, the boundaries you’ve set. You’ve set very clear guidelines which is good I’m glad you did, you need that but you also need to know. He cares about you very much.”

“I—“

Leia’s kind eyes cut her off, “Please—“ Rey nods, “Ben doesn’t love easily, he keeps himself guarded and safe. I honestly don’t think he ever _really_ loved that frigid ice giantess of his, not real, _true_ love. But with you—“ a pause for dramatic effect, or maybe just to mull over her words carefully Rey isn’t entirely sure, “He’s different. Calm,” Another pause and a smile brighter and broader than Rey has seen all evening, “Happy. He’s happy, which seems strange considering the circumstances but he’s so full of hope I think that he’s got himself convinced that everything is going to be ok and that’s dangerous.” 

Dangerous because they haven't been given the all-clear yet. Dangerous because Luke’s hair has started to fall out and he hasn’t quite noticed. Dangerous because everything could come apart at the seams and then what would happen? Would he blame Rey for giving him this only to have it taken away? 

She tries to tell herself that everything will be ok. That _Luke_ will be ok. All his scans have been good, his blood work positive, his numbers continuing to improve. Doctor Andor hasn’t come right out and said it yet but there’s a good chance that after the next few rounds of chemo they’ll be able to take Luke home. Home to their house where all of Luke’s things are. A new stage in this process away from hospital beds and beeping machines and a litany of bloodwork and poison that makes Rey’s chest hurt just to think about.

It also means a shift in their dynamic, a discussion of how things will look. Will Ben sleep on their couch? Will he want to be around? Rey knows he has a room at his parent's house but she can’t remember the last time he actually slept there. He goes back from time to time for clean clothes but always returns with coffee and treats. Even Luke is talking about going home for a bit. He’s been away from the boys for far too long and Mara is starting to get a little anxious. Life is slowly shifting back into a strange sort of normal but Rey’s world is still split open like a gaping wound with Ben stretched across it like he can somehow hold it all together.

“I don’t mean with Luke because that boy is a fighter,” Leia’s voice breaks through Rey’s downward spiral. Her emotions raw and beaten, her head sore, mind exhausted from the extensive bout of crying. Her eyes feel dry but wet at the same time, stiff from tears she simply can’t work away, “I mean with you and— look I just want you to be aware. You need to have all the facts. You don’t need to be thinking about relationships and dating or whatever that looks like for the two of you but… you need to know where his head and more importantly his heart is at.” A soft sort of sigh escapes Leia's lips, “What I want you to know sweetheart is, you’re family now.”

Family, real and strange and _hers_. The realization comes with a hug that lasts for more than ten heartbeats. A real, warm, true hug. It’s strong and loving, making her feel like maybe it’s ok to lean into this a little. 

There’s a quiet goodnight and a hushed, _'tell the boys I love them’_ before Leia pulls Rey down so her lips can brush against Rey’s forehead. When Leia finally leaves there’s a moment of quiet that steals over the world. Rey’s thoughts race and tumble like wild horses finally free, kicking and bucking until they’re forced back into their pen.

It’s tiring having all these contradicting thoughts and feelings. Exhausting trying to be ok when in reality she is anything but. Her chest still feels empty but not as cold as before. Her head is foggy and full of cotton but calm and steady at least. Ready to be filled up again with love and light which she knows will pour through her veins the moment she opens the door because they are there. Her people. _Her boys_. The people she loves most in all the world. Because if there’s one thing she’s learned in the last several weeks, it's that she, Rey Niima, is undeniably in love with Benjamin Solo. 

It’s been a hard thing to face, a reality more terrifying than most she’s ever experienced. He’s real, a person, not a figment or a dream. Not someone she’s dreamt up, a passing fantasy to bring her comfort on cold lonely nights when her chest aches and she longs to feel something _real_. 

He’s there and she can touch him, he even seems to encourage it. The way he leans in when her hand brushes his shoulder. Or how he lingers with a smile as he watches her doing the most simple of tasks like folding Luke’s pyjamas or playing with cars in the bed. He’s this unflappable force of nature who always seems to know the right thing to say at exactly the right time. Little comments like, “Doesn’t mommy look pretty today,” when she throws her hair up in a messy bun feeling haggard and gross and “Aren’t we lucky to have Mommy in our lives?.” Teaching their son to be respectful and kind and all the things that she wants him to be when he’s older. 

It doesn’t go unnoticed, the special care Ben takes with the easiest of tasks because he knows that Luke is watching him. Thanking nurses for their time, kissing his mother on the cheek whenever Leia comes for a visit. Offering his chair up to others who might need it, compliments and praise and kindness, overwhelming kindness that she’s beginning to see emulated in the little boy who has come to idolize his father. 

Who knew that parenting could be sexy? 

But there is little Rey has found more attractive than the sight of Ben sitting in Luke’s bed while the little boy pulls his father's hair up into a small ponytail. Not the look itself because it’s sort of ridiculous. A bear sized man with thick luscious hair most women would kill for wearing his hair up in tiny sprigged tails. It’s the fact that Ben sits so Luke can play and tug uncomfortably at his hair. The smile he wears as he endures, pigtails sprouting from his crown as he declares Luke a master stylist. He wore his hair like that for the nurses and even when he ducked out to get dinner proudly declaring it the work of his son to whoever would ask. Luke thought it an absolute riot but Ben took that and so much more in stride

One breath and then two and she pushes her way in. Ben and Luke are curled up against one another leaving just enough space at Luke’s back for Rey to crawl in and join them. It seems a simple enough thing, the sort of thing a family would do. Curl up in bed together and rest.

The more she thinks about it the harder her heartbeat thumps within her chest flooding her body with a foreign sort of warmth. She’s too tired to dwell on it, her mind calling for sleep, eyes heavy and ready to close. The chair is an option but there’s a perfectly good bed and two bodies she feels an inexplicably strong urge to curl up with. Ben won’t mind, she's sure of it. 

Toeing off her shoes Rey makes her way across the cool cement flooring until her knees bump against the bed. Pulling the covers down just a little she climbs in and settles against Luke’s back. Ben’s arm is pinned beneath the little boy's body, the other wrapped around his hip in a protective hold. It's heartwarming to see, a large man and his small child dozing quietly. For half a second when she closes her eyes she can almost see them lying in her bed, just barely large enough to fit all three comfortably. Her purple comforter pulled up to Luke’s chin as he snuggles in close with both of his parents bracketing his tiny form. The scent of jasmine and pear strong in her nose from the shampoo that she uses, not the tangy bitter scent of chemicals and cleaners. But her pillows are softer, the room warmer and far more comfortable. A place where they could all belong together. 

Maybe, in a once upon a time sort of way. 

Ben stirs at Luke’s back, mumbling in his sleep, drawing her attention away from her daydream and onto his face. His eyes are closed, long lashes spread out against pale skin. He’s beautiful, soft and sharp all at the same time. His features distinctive and sculpted just so in a way that makes him look almost statuesque. Like someone carved him out of marble and left him for her to worship. Her name flutters passed full lips that move in his sleep. Pursing and unpursing as he nuzzles his face against the pillow beneath his head. Lips smacking once as his fingers twitch at Luke’s hip and then draw away up over his head like he’s stretching out. 

It’s hard not to laugh, this overgrown man child so perfectly presentable through the day now reduced to sleepy shenanigans. Luke shuffles closer, kicking his feet out only to draw them back up again, tucking them away so he’s curled into Ben’s lap. Her hand finds his hip so small beneath her touch but warm and perfect all the same. His teddy bear, the one Ben had given him, his favourite now sits tucked beneath Luke’s bum, pressed into her thighs as she snuggles into his back. His little cheeks are pink against pale skin, pale like Ben’s she realizes for the umpteenth time, no longer warm like her own. Luke’s little hand tugs open the collar of Ben’s white button-down so that his fingers sit pressed against the notch of Ben’s throat. 

Snuggling closer Rey presses a kiss to the back of Luke’s head adjusting her cheek against the solitary pillow they all seem destined to share. It’s simple, pure, right in a way the world never really seemed before. Ben’s hand coming down to rest atop her own possessively holding both she and Luke in his grasp. The touch is like lightning, sending tingling eruptions of blissful elation skittering across her skin. An embrace so simple and inadvertent she knows it means nothing but somehow, someway it means everything. Tipping the scales towards an affection she’s afraid to name. 

There’s so much to talk about, things left to discuss. A lifetime of things that need to be figured out and they will she’s sure but for now, she just needs this. This simple existence where two people love their child and there’s nothing more to it than that. 

She doesn’t realize Ben’s awake until he gently clears his throat drawing her focus from the back of Luke’s head to his father's handsome face. Sleep lines Ben’s eyes, dark and brilliant all at once as he offers her a soft, “Hey,” in greeting. 

“Your mom says she loves you,” Rey responds with a soft smile, watching as a range of emotions plays across Ben’s face. _I love you_ , Rey’s mind provides helplessly

“You feel any better?”

“Numbish, still a little off.” That may be downplaying it a little but this isn’t the time or the place for that sort of discussion. 

“You’re run down Rey,” Ben whispers, his thumb moving back and forth against the back of her hand, “You should go home tomorrow night- tonight I suppose. It would be and get some rest. I’ll stay—“

“No, no, I’m ok really. I just. I’m ok. I promise.”

He looks at her like he doesn't quite believe her, his eyes wary but soft, “We’ll talk about it in the morning.” The conversation isn’t over. He may follow her lead when it comes to matters of emotional integrity but Ben has made his position very clear on the subject of Rey taking care of herself, “Get some rest ok?”

Rey nods softly, pressing her lips together. Her body is exhausted but her mind is still plucking at pieces of string that have been left slowly unravelling, “Hey Ben?” 

“Mmm?”

“Where were you today?” His eyes are closed again, his breathing evening out as sleep tugs at him quietly, “You said you would tell me—“ the fear in her voice makes her pause, her mind struggling to play catch up as thoughts and feelings, fears and hopes ricochet off one another making little to no sense to her fraying sensibility. 

He’s not annoyed with the question but asks, “Is it important that we talk about this now?” his eyes opening, clearer and more focused as he takes a moment to survey her face. She must look like an absolute wreck because he doesn’t ask again or try and dodge the issue. His hand merely moves, sliding over her forearm to stroke his fingertips gently across her skin, “I had a job interview.” 

Not entirely sure what she’d been expecting this isn’t the strangest thing he could have offered. The reality settles like a stone in her gut as Rey tries against all hope to picture what their lives might look like with Ben back at work. Or her for that matter because things will eventually need to go back to something that resembles a normal existence. One where their lives aren’t governed by a need to spend days on end in the hospital. 

Still, it feels a little strange, the fact that Ben is looking for employment. Something that will take him out of their direct sphere of being, put space between them again. As natural a thing as that may be, as much as she knows it’s a logical progression, she doesn’t like it. Childishly dreaming up unrealistic ways of keeping him there in this room with them. Not forever, no, just long enough that- that what? 

“How- how did it go?” her voice shakes as she asks, trying to focus on the conversation at hand and not the earthy tone of his eyes on the way his fingers move with persistent ease and care along the back of her arm, “Good,” he says slowly, carefully even like he’s speaking to a child with a proclivity to run. If only he knew, “I was offered the job,” A soft pause and he adjusts his cheek against the pillow watching Rey closely, his hand kneading softly at the flesh of her tricep. He does this a lot, his eyes searching her face as though the transcript of her emotions is written in her freckles, “I turned it down.”

“Oh,” She has no right to the joy in her chest, the flutter of something warm and appreciative that whispers of selfish desire and need. He’s not hers, she has no hold over him, he owes her nothing more than his affection for Luke and yet it feels like he’s done this for her. Or more accurately for them. Like maybe, just maybe he’s not ready to give this up yet and go back to the real world. 

“It would be a good opportunity but it would require a lot of travelling and weekend work. The business is new and they need a lot of help getting off the ground,” he tells her softly, “Not really the type of thing I want to get myself involved in right now.”

Rey almost asks why, almost. But her tongue feels fat and cumbersome in her mouth, “If I go back to work I need something flexible. I want to- I mean- I’d like to be here as much as I can. I don’t want you to suddenly be alone in this with Uncle Luke going home and all. I-” a gentle hand cups her face, a thumb brushing softly against her cheek as he smiles, “I want to be with you,” the soft pause takes her breath away before he adds, “both of you- as much as I can.”

“We want you here,” she whispers, simple and true. The closest thing to the full truth that she has the nerve to come, “I- Luke wants you here.”

“Mmm, Luke,” is Ben’s quiet answer.

“Yeah- Luke. And-” Another pause, distracted by Ben’s adventurous and yet elegantly innocent touch, “I want you here too Ben,” the admission falls off of a tongue-tied in soft knots as she tries to process the brevity of her words. 

“I’m here,” and a little quieter, “I’m yours.” It’s a promise that comes on the edge of a smile, her heartbeat, a thunderous roar in her chest as Ben’s thumb plucks at the lower swell of her lip like a kiss, or the echo of one, “Get some sleep, we’ll talk about this in the morning.”

They lie there a while longer simply watching one another until eyelids fall shut and sleep pulls them under. The hush of Ben’s breathing tugging at her consciousness. A reminder that she can let go just a little, that he’s there to catch her if she falls. 

  
Sleep doesn’t come easy these days. It’s stunted and uneven waking her in a panic to reach out for Luke who’s side of the bed is empty. Her brain reels as information slowly starts to filter through, picking away until the voices in the room meld into something happy and sweet. 

Ben has Luke pulled up onto his lap in the recliner. His waistcoat is now gone leaving him in just his simple white button-down, the sleeves of which he has rolled up to his elbows. Luke is perched against his chest snuggling into Ben’s warmth with his teddy bear drawn up against his lip rubbing the worn fur against his chin. They’re reading, she realizes her fingers spread out on the cold empty half of the bed as her heart rate settles and her mind starts to slow. 

Ben is reading to Luke, his voice a deep rumble as he narrates a passage from _the Silver Chair_ , the fourth book in the Chronicles of Narnia series. He’s good at this, changing his voice to accommodate for the different characters the way Luke likes it. Such a large man capable of such endearing feats Rey allows her body to melt into a state of easy consideration, her eyes adjusting to the light filtering in through the half-open window. 

After some time there’s a break in Ben’s storytelling and Rey opens her eyes to see him peering down at her curiously, “Doctor Andor will be by in a little,” he says purely for her benefit, “should we read just a little more?” 

Luke’s response is a solemn nod of his head as he works the stuffy’s paw against his lip. 

When Rey nods, Ben smiles and goes back to his reading giving her a quiet opportunity to simply observe. 

Her whole body aches, her ankles, her knees, even her fingers. Her joints scream at her angrily. Her eyes feel hot, likely an aftermath of all the crying she’d been doing but there’s a steady throbbing behind her eyes reminiscent of one of her blinding headaches. It could be the star of a migraine brought on by stress. It’s not as though she has that in short supply. Or maybe it's the result of sleeping in strange positions and foreign beds for too long. Either way, she feels the need to move war against the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball and never move ever again. 

When her need for the bathroom overwhelms her desire to stay stationary Rey slowly adjusts, shifting up onto her hip in a slow and ragged motion. Luke stirs, his head turning to watch her sleepily wipe at her eyes his gaze suddenly bright and alive.

“Momma!” he chimes happily slipping down and out of Ben’s lap to climb up into the bed. His little arms wind around her middle as he rests his head against the side of her chest. Innocent and sweet he snuggles into her greedily, “Daddy said we should let you sleep. Are you feeling ok?” Daddy, funny how it hits her every time she hears it. Like it’s something short of a miracle and maybe in a sense it is but it also has never felt more natural. 

Luke shifts a little, his hand reaching out to press itself, backside first against her forehead the same way she would to check for a fever. With no idea what exactly he’s doing Luke makes a face and grumbles a soft, “You’re warm.” 

Rey smiles and steals his hand away, scooping it up for a series of quick kisses, “I’m fine,” she mumbles against his fingers pretending to eat them up as the little boy giggles and squeals with delight. His concern traded in for a brilliant and bright smile as Ben slides out of the chair and onto long legs to lean against the bed at Luke’s back. For a moment he hovers, leaning forward as though he might close the gap or maybe even kiss her. The thought sends her heart rate into a tizzy pulling from the recesses of her memory exactly what those lips feel like when Ben puts them to good use. But, a lump in her throat steals at her breathing as she stares up at him bleary-eyed and curious. Instead, her forehead is met with the back of his hand, a frown lining his deliciously plush lips. “You could be a doctor someday, Luke, you’re right. Mommy _is_ feeling a little warm.”

“M’fine,” Rey presses as Ben’s touch sweeps stray strands of hair away from her forehead, his look of concern hard-pressed and severe.

“I don’t like it. What do you think Luke?” 

The little boy's eyes grow wide, happy to be included, “She should see a doctor.”

“Know where we can find one?” 

The burning in Rey’s throat doesn’t seem to subside like someone’s poured scalding water into her mouth and forced her to swallow. It’s harsh when she talks but even swallowing seems to take a little more effort, maybe they aren’t wrong. “M’just run down.” she tries to push slipping away to disappear into the bathroom, twin pairs of eyes lined with concern following after her.

After alleviating her bladder Rey takes a moment to observe herself in the harsh fluorescent lighting and an oversized hospital mirror. It’s unflattering but maybe wholly necessary. Her skin is pale. Paler, then she’s looked in a long time. Her tanned flesh washed out making her freckles look more like dirt smattered across her cheeks. Her eyes are rimmed with dark circles but puffy and red too. Upon closer inspection, hands running along the underside of her jaw and along her throat, she finds her lymph nodes are swollen and her neck tender. Opening her mouth and adjusting her head she catches the bright red glare of a sore throat starting and is that? 

Shit. Shit, shit, _shit_. 

By the time Rey has managed to settle herself down and step back into the room Cassian has arrived. He’s in the middle of explaining something to Ben and Luke while Ben does his best not to look agitated. He doesn’t like Doctor Andor Rey’s come to realize and not just a little bit. The mere mention of Cassian's name set’s Ben’s jaw rigid, his teeth grinding loud and harsh. 

“—Last round we ran looks really good. I’m happy with the numbers. We’re on schedule too which is fantastic. Two more weeks of chemo and then we can take a break,” She hears him say brightly, his hands shoved into the deep pockets of his pristine lab coat. 

Deep-set brown eyes find her in an instant, the room suddenly turning it’s focus on Rey as she drys her hands on her pants, “Was just telling Ben and Luke the good news,” Cassian pushes, “I was just getting to the best part.” He smiles that bright broad smile, the one that reaches his eyes and up to the stars. The kind that used to make her wonder what those lips might feel like pressed against her own. 

Now that just seems ludicrous because how could anyone compare to Ben?

Rey crosses her arms, slouching her shoulders as her body gives a traitorous shudder. A chill, of course, it’s a chill and if she’s not mistaken she’s running a slight fever, “Luke buddy,” She hears Cassian say, “another couple of weeks and you’re a free man. You’ll be able to go home and sleep in your own bed. 

Caged in Ben’s arms Rey watches as Luke shifts, his legs draped over Ben’s thighs. He’s sitting with his back against Ben’s shoulder holding his teddy in his lap in a position eerily similar, “Home? My home?”

Doctor Andor nods before peering over at Rey who’s made the decision to keep her distance for the time being. Luke looks elated, his smile bright despite the pale pallor of his skin and the way his hair is starting to look thinner. This is good news, the best news they’ve had in a while really but the joy soon shifts to something like curious wonder and then into a deep form of concern as his gaze shifts between her and Ben. “You’ll come with us right?” Luke asks Ben softly, a curious plea, a need— a _fear._

Ben looks a combination of startled and moderately embarrassed, “We’ll talk about what that looks like later buddy,” he offers, pressing his nose against the crown of Luke’s head. She hears him breathe in, recognizing the action for what it is. He’s memorizing everything about Luke he can, reminding himself that the little boy is real before pressing a kiss to his temple. 

In a few short weeks, Ben has become a parental mixture of possessive and carrying, like he’s afraid the world is going to take Luke away from him.

She’s so busy watching Ben and Luke she doesn’t notice Cassian approach, his hand at her elbow as he tugs her arm free, “You ok?” he asks quietly. 

The touch is innocent enough, a friendly scaling of fingertips up and down the back of her arm. It tickles the way a caterpillar crawling along the back of your hand might. Foreign and strange, like maybe he shouldn’t be so familiar with her. Like maybe this isn’t his place in front of her child and her— her child's father. Ben’s eyes are as wide as saucers watching the area there Doctor Andor’s hand has decided to tuck itself against her body. He’s bouncing Luke a little on his lap, jostling the little boy into a fit of laughter, but there’s no smile lingering on Ben’s pretty lips. No joy at all but a dark layer of concern shrouded in something she simply cannot place. 

“Yeah, just— yeah,” She stumbles, her eyes locked on Ben’s. 

“Mommy’s warm Doctor Andor, she’s not feeling well,” Luke chimes, his voice distorted by the bouncing, “She needs to see a doctor. Can you give her a check-up?” It’s impossible to miss the scathing scoff that erupts from Ben’s chest or the way his hands start curling into fists.

“I’m fine, I’ll go see Holdo in a bit.”

“She pulled slam and went home a few hours ago. Emerg was insane last night.” Cassian is already searching his pockets as Rey tries to protest. 

“I’ll just slip down, no big deal, who’s on?”

“Might be— uh— Cannady maybe?” Fuck he hates Rey, one of the only emergency doctors she doesn’t get along with. He’s old school and treats nurses like their eye candy, something just to accent the room, “Just let me, won’t take— hold on,” unable to find what he’s looking for Cassian darts from the room leaving Rey standing there awkwardly. 

Ben simply shakes his head pressing his chin onto the crown of Luke’s head. He looks like he wants to say something, a great many things, as a matter of fact, his face a mask of discomfort and agitation. He’s holding back for Luke’s sake and that— well that might just be one of the sexiest things she's ever witnessed. Or maybe that’s the possible fever talking. 

“I really wish—“ Ben finally starts as Doctor Andor bustles back in brandishing a thermometer in his hand, “Just let Doctor Andor check your temperature at least,” though she has a strong suspicion she knows what it’s going to say. 

Gentle fingers brush her hair behind her ear in an act that is far too intimate to be professional as Cassian presses the small tool into her ear canal lightly. There is a rustle and a soft click as the room falls into silence. She can feel him, his breath on her neck as he looms a little too close, invading her space. It shouldn’t be him, this isn’t right. Her mind races, was it always like this? Had she honestly not seen it before? Or had she simply been ok with it?

Jyn, Jyn was right and Ben is beyond furious. Her body aches, screaming at her to listen. _You’re sick_ it says as the small device beeps and Cassian tuts his tongue against his teeth, “One hundred point three,” he murmurs quietly, “Rey, you have a fever,” 

In moments Ben has Luke out of his lap and settled into a mountain of blankets as he pops to his feet and rushes to her side, “Rey, you need to go home,” he pushes, ignoring Doctor Andor quite pointedly. His large palm cups her cheek as panic-stricken eyes quickly search her face, “You’re no good to anyone like this, please?”

“One might even argue,” Cassian adds, hedging passed Ben with a narrowed eye, “That you’re actually a danger to Luke if you’re sick. Ben’s right, you need to go home.”

She knows this is true. She knows this and she hates herself for it. She’s being selfish just standing here right now but if she leaves Ben will have to stay and Luke has her car, “Uncle Luke will be here in about a half an hour. I’ll take you home when he gets here. I’d like to get a change of clothes from mum and dads anyway.” 

Rey could cry, the threat burning in the back of her throat, or maybe that’s the fever. Or worse. It’s the shackles holding her back because now she’s not allowed to be near her son. He’s immunocompromised and she’s standing there, a walking germ factory. Funny how when you know you’re not allowed to or suppose to do something it’s the only thing you want to do.

The urge to hug her little boy is so strong that it splits her chest in two. It hurts, deep and raw and real and Luke won’t understand. He simply sits there staring, his large eyes bright in the fluorescent lighting as he looks to her and then Ben as though awaiting an explanation, “I’m going to get a mask from the nurse's station in the meantime,” Rey offers bleakley, “Actually Cassian, can you maybe swab my throat for me?” 

Cassian agrees without hesitation following her out to the room while Ben stares daggers at the other man's back.

After a quick hunt and retrieval Rey pops up on a gurney sitting in the hallway next to a med cart loaded with supplies. A code was called at some point through the night and the nurses must have left it there. She eyes the cart warily as Cassian digs through the drawers until he finds what he's looking for. A cotton swab wrapped in sterile packaging and a plastic tub to deposit the stick in once the sample has been taken. 

Setting his tools down on the bed Cassian starts by palpating just beneath Rey’s jaw, his fingers walking slowly and carefully over the swollen lymph nodes with a displeased sort of glower, “This started—“

“Woke up like this.” 

He nods and cups her neck before asking her to open her mouth and stick out her tongue, “You been feeling run down at all?” her only response is one of a sarcastic glare which he takes with a chuckle, “Stupid question, sorry. Your throat sore?”

A nod and he continues, his touch soft and lingering, “Ben’s been around a lot.” another nod as she eyes up the cotton swab that Cassian slowly extracts from the packaging. He doesn’t say anything else beyond instructing her to open her mouth a little wider looking around for what she’s not entirely sure, “You’re tonsils are inflamed and—“ he says peering in, “Shit ok—“ the swab reaches back swiping at the back of her throat, “I’m going to write you a script for antibiotics. I’m not waiting for the swab to come back, there’s a good chance this is strep.”

Rey groans, that’s exactly what she’d been afraid of. Strep means she’s highly contagious and will need to stay home for several days while the antibiotics work in her system. She’ll be forced to stay away from Luke and that isn’t exactly something she’s ok with. Panic, deep-seated and wild worms it’s way into her chest as Cassian pulls out his prescription pad and pen and stars to hastily scrawl out a note, “Caught it early, should be good—“ she hears him muttering but it’s hard to focus on anything beyond the doorway at his back. She can see Luke sitting in bed with his legs crossed and teddy sitting between them. Ben is trying to show him something in a book, pointing to the page but his eyes keep flickering towards her. 

“Look, I know this is hard and it sucks but at least it’s now and not when you’re about to bring Luke home. Go home, get some rest and get better- for him.” Looking over his shoulder adds, “For both of them.” 

Luke, as it turns out, doesn’t show up for another hour, breezing in with scones and an apology. Apparently he’d gotten distracted by a documentary on TV about lost track of time. It isn’t long before Ben has Rey whisked out of the hospital and into his car. His car which Rey still finds very necessary to mock him about every chance she gets. She’s got her mouth open ready to toss out an offhand comment when Ben turns to her. “I need you to do me a favor.” 

Unexpected but she agrees, all the same, buckling herself in as Ben keeps his body turned towards her. For a moment he says nothing but chews idly on his lip before he huffs and shakes his head, one hand perched on the steering wheel, “This is going to sound like I’m jealous and I’m not—“ 

Brows furrowed Rey eyes him warily, “Ok…”

“Fuck- ok I am,” he admits quickly, “But that’s not the reason for this, just. Do you trust me?” she’s barely nodding before Ben barrels on, “I need you to be careful around Cassian Andor.” There’s a reply on the edge of her tongue but Ben apparently isn’t finished, “In all honesty, I would feel better if you only dealt with him when I’m present but I know that might seem a little—“

“Ben—“

A soft groan and Ben’s shifting, “Rey please, I can’t— just—“ 

“You feel strongly about this?” 

“I do.”

“Ok,” and then more quietly she asks, “Does this mean you’ll be around?” her tone is soft, meek, the voice of someone she barely even recognizes. A sad little girl desperate not to be left behind again. 

“For as long as you’ll have me,” he says after a while, turning back to turn the keys in the ignition. 

He takes her first to the pharmacy where he insists on picking up her medication as well as more Gatorade than she will ever consume in her lifetime. Next, they stop by a local market that Ben loves where he leaves her in the car to pick up an assortment of soups, rolls, freezies and a few other items before escorting her back to her house. 

Poe and Finn are at work but both have been filled in on this most recent development. Ben has the bags wrapped around his wrists as he follows her up to the house and waits for her to unlock the front door. He’s been there a few times now, comfortable already in the jewelled toned walls and yard sale finds they call furniture. A few times he’s lamented about her need for something more comfortable and maybe that might be the case if he finds himself sleeping on it but it’s a bridge they’ll cross when they come to it. 

While Rey slips into a pair of comfy flannel pyjamas Ben heats up a bowl of soup and croissant bringing it to her on a trey while she makes herself comfortable in the plush corner of the sectional, surrounding herself with a mountain of blankets and pillows. It’s oddly domestic the way he fusses over her, handing her her antibiotics and a glass of water before slipping away to fiddle with a few things in the kitchen. She can hear the tap running as she spoons mouthfuls of deliciously spiced chicken noodle soup into her mouth. It’s rich in flavor, the noodles soft, the veggie pieces breaking apart as she pushes them against her teeth with her tongue. 

When Ben enters the room again, his shirt sleeves are still drawn to his elbows but now his forearms are wet, “What do you need?”

A loud slurp of her soup punctuates the question as Rey grins sheepishly trying to swallow around the heated lump of coal that’s forming at the back of her throat, “I’m ok Ben, really. Don’t worry.” 

Ben doesn’t seem to believe her casting her gaze out the window at the late morning sun, “Not what I asked,” one of his damp paws rests on the top of her head, stroking her the way one might a cat as she stares up at him a moment, “What do you need?” he asks again. 

Carefully Rey shifts the trey and the soup off her lap and onto the coffee table pushing herself out from beneath a layer of blankets already accumulating around her, “Rest,” she says stiffly, “to feel better, to not be sick.” A sniffle, “To hold Luke and never let him go.” it comes out in a choked sort of sob as she rubs her eyes with the back of her wrist. They come away damp, no surprise really her nerves are frayed so thin that she’s an emotional wreck. “I can’t stay away from him Ben,” she blubbers but his arms are around her in an instant pulling her tight against his chest.

Softly he shushes her, raining kisses upon her head like a sunny afternoon shower. “We’ll video call so much you’ll be sick of us. I promise.” 

Rey chokes on a whimper as she nuzzles against Ben’s chest. He’s warm and smells like smoked cedar and something deeply citrusy with the bitter tang of hospital antiseptic lingering over top. His arms cage her against him, holding her tight and secure. This, this is the place she belongs, the touch she craves more than anything else. Fuck his need for propriety and respect, she wants this all the time and not just a little. 

“You’ll stay with him? You won’t leave him?”

“Not if I can help it.” it’s as good a promise as anything. Nothing is absolute but Ben’s word means something, she knows this about him now. Of anything she knows this, “I had a job interview in two days' time. I already emailed and postponed.” 

“Oh Ben,” his cheek presses down against the top of her head, “I don’t want you to put your life on hold for—“

“Stop-“ 

Her lungs ache as she takes in a sharp breath only to be stolen away by their fierceness in Ben’s tone. It’s almost too much, the way his arms tighten, how impossibly protective he is. His hands are warm, one against the middle of the back while the other rests on the back of her head holding her still and calm, “Stop,” he tries more gently, “because if you don’t I’m going to say something that neither one of us is prepared to face.” 

A shiver runs through her, one that’s warm like summer rain and has nothing to do with her fever or chills. Nuzzling in closer Rey allows herself to relax into the vibration rumbling through his chest, “I—“ 

“No, please,” he tries, pulling back to gaze down at her. His eyes are lined with tears, quiet sorrow he’s keeping to himself or maybe it’s something else. Something she knows the name of but remains too scared to say out loud. “Rey—“

“What if I want to hear it?” She stares at his chest as she asks, her eyes tracing the pearlescent buttons. Three down and his shirt disappears into his pants tucked neatly away. Two up and last has been left open exposing his jugular notch at the apex of his manubrium. Quietly she sorts through the bony prominences of his sternum and then clavicle in a desperate attempt at avoiding his gaze, “What if—“

Ben’s hands grasp at her desperately, her name a whisper on plush lips that look so kissably sweet it makes it hard for her to concentrate. “Please don’t say things you don’t mean.” 

Can she promise that she does mean them though? That this is it for her, all she’s ever wanted?

What could that even mean for them? There’s no dates down at R2’s where they talk about their hopes and dreams over sushi. Their future is hospital stays and chemo and a little boy whose hair is falling out. It’s vomiting and crying and bloodwork and playing cars on bumpy, rough blankets. It’s waiting to hear that the treatment has worked or that they'll need to try something else altogether. They’ve bypassed all the fun getting to know your things and jumped straight into the heart of the beast.

A child, a family, complication after complication but the more she thinks about it the more she wants it. All of it. Every last ounce of it with him. 

Or maybe it's the fever talking, her cheeks flushed red and her head a little groggy. Still, it doesn’t seem like such a bad life. Maybe he could move in with them, or maybe they would find a place for just the three of them. A place where Poe and Finn could visit, her friends could finally start a family of their own. 

Would it be weird for Ben to date his Uncles foster kid? That wouldn’t be weirdly incestuous, would it?

Ben’s chuckles a soft, “No,” pulling Rey back to the world around her. Shit. Did she say that out loud?

“Look, You need to rest and get better and really think about what you want.”

“I know—“ He holds his hand up before stroking a finger down the length of her nose making her smile. “Listen, please. Hear me out. You take time and think about it. I’ll stay with Luke and we’ll video call you daily.”

“Several times daily,” Rey amends and Ben agrees with a smile. 

“Several then. In a few days, I’ll come back and we’ll talk. If it’s still what you want—“ Ben’s eyes soften at the edges, his words hanging with a promise that sits thick between them, “Rey. You need to know what you want.” The pause is deliberate, something thick and almost tangible as Ben chews on his lower lip making him look five years younger. A young man in a leather jacket who thought that licking a girl was a good icebreaker before a kiss, “I need you to be certain Rey because- You say the word and that’s it. I’m all in.”

Her gasp is involuntary but the warmth pooling at the base of her spine soothes her panic. This is what she wanted, after all, this has been the thing slowly taking form in her head the last few weeks. A hope, a need because honestly, it’s only ever been him. “Seven,” she blurts out before she can say something stupid. 

“Seven?”

“Seven days. The antibiotics will have settled this down by then and I don’t want you going back and forth between Luke and I. We need to minimize contamination. I’m on quarantine for the next seven days”

Ben nods before sweeping in close enough that their lips are lingering mere centimetres apart held at bay by Rey’s index and middle fingers. They’re soft beneath her touch as he presses a kiss there instead, “No kissing,” she sighs helplessly when his lips find her forehead instead and linger there. “I don’t want you getting sick.” Truthfully the drugs would work their magic in less than that but with Luke’s immune system in the state it is it’s not with the risk 

“Fair, a week then?”

“A Week,” she can wait a week. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware it takes a bit longer to get diagnosed with Strep, so I took some liberties there.  
> More big things to come. I hope it makes sense and doesn't seem too rushed, let me know what you think lovelies 
> 
> Come say hello on [The Twitter](https://twitter.com/rebelscumreylo)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mother’s aren’t meant to be human after all. They aren’t meant to slip or stumble or falter. They are meant to be gods, they bring life into the world and they protect it at all costs. She’s a mother and here she is cocooned in a nest of blankets and pillows barely able to pull her sorry ass out of bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is much shorter than my previous chapters but after much consideration and consulting with the experts I decided where it ends works really well. I will try my damndest not to leave it so long between this and the next chapter, please forgive me. I adore you all.  
> And a huge thank you to the lovely and brilliant [ Kirraa ](https://twitter.com/happythehardway) ((@Happythehardway)) for taking a look at this and giving me her input. She's brilliant and her work can be found [ Here ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/happythehardway93)

For the first few days, all Rey does is sleep, deep fitful slumber that makes her feel like she barely exists in the physical world. The ache in her body is a deep-seated thing, the kind of soreness that whispers horrible things in the dark when she wakes to run to the bathroom. A reminder of her failings, of the weakness of her human form.

Mother’s aren’t meant to be human after all. They aren’t meant to slip or stumble or falter. They are meant to be gods, they bring life into the world and they protect it at all costs. She’s a mother and here she is cocooned in a nest of blankets and pillows barely able to pull her sorry ass out of bed.

Ben, thankfully is true to his word, video calling several times a day. They chat casually and carefully while Luke tells her stories about all the goings-on in the hospital. Poe and Finn have spent a lot of spare time with the father and son pair, knowing that Rey would want everyone humanly possible to rally around Luke now that she is unable to be there herself. 

Skywalker, ever the pragmatist, takes her illness as a sign that he should vacate. He spends a few nights with Han and Leia before heading back to Takodana to make sure his house is still standing. While everyone else has been under the strictest of instruction to avoid her at all costs. 

Unnecessary? maybe but the idea that any one of them could take this to Luke is unacceptable and isolation is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Sometimes Ben calls while Rey is curled up in bed half asleep. She perches her phone up on her pillow and listens as Ben reads to Luke, dozing off to the sound of his voice. Sometimes they eat snacks together, Rey sipping on freezies that hit the back of her throat like razor blades while Luke munches away on an ice cream cone. On one memorable occasion Rey managed to answer a call she thought to be Poe only to see Luke holding the phone, the world around him jostling and as the little boy laughed and whooped wildly. She caught small glimpses of Ben in the background, his eyes wide, face bright, voice calling out, “Look out, oh no!!” 

The call went dead fast leaving Rey thoroughly confused and mildly concerned but ten minutes later there was Luke again, his little flushed as he whispered conspiratorially into the phone. They were playing a game with Poe and Finn and Doctor Kanata had caught them. Ben encouraged Luke to hop into his wheelchair and the two sped off with Poe’s phone in hand. Now they’re playing hide and seek. She can’t help but worry about what an exertion of energy is bound to do to his little body but he’s happy and that smile of his is utterly contagious.

It’s three days in when she dials Ben’s phone accidentally. It’s ten in the evening and Rey has managed to stay upright for a total of two whole hours. A personal best all things considered. She was checking her emails, something she’d been neglecting horribly as of late while she warmed up a bowl of soup. One of the ones that Ben had bought and left for her days ago. Ben’s face pops up on the screen as she turns back to swipe up, scrolling through what she thought was a litany of emails but apparently turned out to be her list of contacts instead. 

How had that happened?

His voice is soft, telling her quietly that Luke had a bit of a rough day and Ben has only just now finally gotten him to sleep. He shows her the little boy lying curled up at Ben’s side as Ben sits propped up in the hospital bed, “Was just reading a bit,” he tells her quietly, rubbing at his eye with the knuckle of his free hand, “How are you feeling?” 

She props up her phone against a box of crackers and the two sit and chat for the next hour and a half. Discussing simple and strange things from the topic of soup to Skywalker's strange relationship with his lady love Mara Jade. It’s easy talking to Ben, piecing together bits of their lives that they both missed out on experiencing together. She tells him stories, like the one about Luke’s first day of daycare or how for an entire week all he would wear were his batman footie pyjamas fit with a cape and mask. 

Ben takes it all in with the desperation of a man starved. Gathering bits of Luke’s life up like beach glass shifting in the sand. Mostly he just listens which is strange because Rey’s throat feels like it’s been torn to ribbons but talking to Ben is a comfort that warms her soul. Maybe it’s the soup, or the freezies, or maybe it’s the company but for the first time in days, her body doesn’t feel like it’s rebelling against her. 

That night she sleeps well, deep and peaceful waking in the morning to the sun filtering in through the window and a text message from Ben telling her that he misses her. There’s a heart punctuating the message which she responds to with her own, smiling to herself as she clutches her phone to her chest. A schoolgirl with a crush. 

Day four, meaning that there’s three more until Ben will arrive on her doorstep and if she’s being honest she hasn’t entirely given the whole thing much thought. Not because she hasn’t wanted to but because it seems entirely unnecessary. From the moment she laid eyes on him again she’d been running scenarios through her head. What if’s that at first had been panic-inducing but now make her feel like maybe all of this was meant to be. 

It’s not that she thinks it’ll be easy. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact. They have so much they have to work through. Baggage on both sides that extend so much further than the very real and simple fact that their child happens to be quite sick. She’s not blind to these realities, it’s just they seem so utterly inconsequential. Like faith has built a wall of bricks around her insecurities to hold them out and allow her a moment to breathe.

She’s doing a load of laundry, a mellow playlist on in the background, something smooth and easy, soft-spoken, “ _And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be, right in front of me_.” She smiles at the implication, the way it settles into her chest making her think about Ben and the warmth of his embrace. How even giving her space he still managed to press his forehead against hers and simply exist in her world. 

Rey hums along softly as she ties her hair back in a high messy bun. The kind that seems so artfully done by everyone else but on her always looks like she let Luke do her hair. She’s in a pair of rolled-up capri sweat pants and a silk camisole that she would normally wear with a pair of matching silk shorts, looking the pinnacle of strep fashion when her attention is pulled to a knock at the door. A barely-there rap that she nearly misses, so deep in thought as carries the hamper full or warm and clean clothes from the laundry room back off the kitchen into the living room to fold.

No one has been by in the four days she’s been home. Not even Finn and Poe, who have taken the opportunity to get themselves a hotel room for a romantic little staycation. It’s true the antibiotic in her system is now doing its job but Luke’s health is not something she’s willing to risk. 

Anyone who needs her surely would have texted which means the likely culprit is some door-to-door inquiry or a nosy neighbour which they happen to have in spades. Turning the music down, Rey peers out the large bay window and into the bright world beyond. It’s a sunny cool day in the middle of May, Luke’s birthday fast approaching. The thought settles like gunpowder in her gut explosive and volatile leaving her uncertain how to feel or react when her eyes catch the white Lexus parked at the mouth of their driveway. She doesn’t know anyone who owns a Lexus. Maybe one of the doctors at the hospital but there would be no reason for a house call at this point. 

Shuffling by, her feet dressed in fuzzy purple slippers Rey makes quick work unlocking the door preparing for the immediate ‘ _we’re not interested_ ’ response when she’s forced to stop short. Her hand on the doorknob falters as she pulls the door open bringing her face to face with— well _shit_.

Gwen looks the picture of elegance and grace which quite frankly is infuriating. She always seems to look like she’s stepped off a runway, tight black dress pants, white leather pumps and a loose-fitting sheer top that flutters around her waist, worn beneath a white blazer. It’s hard not to feel resentful, maybe even a little off-put by the idea that up until not long ago Ben had been sharing his life, his _bed_ with this woman. It’s petty and it’s childish and honestly, it’s probably just the lingering illness that’s stirring up such feelings but fuck it. 

She’s so busy focusing on her childish distaste for Ms. Gwedeloyn Phasma, Rey almost misses the “This is her then?” of a raspy voice somewhere behind the amazonian beauty. It’s followed by the soft click of a car door and then the slow tapping of something striking the pavement, something that shuffles along carried by a pair of uneven footsteps.

“Yes,” comes Gwen's cool reply, “This is Solo’s… person.”

“Well, you're a pretty thing aren’t you.” _tap—tap—tap_ , a cane, there’s a man walking towards them leaning heavily on a cane as he sidles up to the porch taking his time with the two steps that it takes to bring him face to face with Rey.

He’s a handsome man with a thick head of curly brown hair heavily streaked with grey. His face is not unkind per se but curiously intense. Blue eyes sparkling with wonder as he stops to take Rey in where he stands, “Atticus Snoke,” he offers her by way of explanation, as though his name should mean something— it doesn’t, “Gwen and Benjamin work for me. That is, Benjamin used to work for me I suppose. I wonder if I might have a moment of your time?” The question ends with a smirk, deep lines cut into his face bracketing his mouth but hidden beneath a beard that he's kept neatly trimmed and yet somehow allowed to grow wild.

“Ben isn’t here- he doesn’t live here,” is all Rey can think to say, blinking owlishly between Gwen and this man, this Atticus snake who presents himself as a gentleman. A wolf in sheep’s clothing with his cunning grin and his dangerous leer. 

Everything in her, every last fibre of her being screams not to let this man in. When the devil comes knocking you keep him at the door but the temperature is cool and Rey finds herself feeling tired, on her feet for too long, her cheeks starting to feel just a little flushed. It would be rude to shut them out, leave them there, on the step in the middle of the afternoon but something tells her letting them in is a dangerous decision. 

“I’m really not feeling well—“ Rey tries to push.

“I completely understand my dear, we won’t take up much of your time. A moment or two is surely all we’ll need. Forgive me though, my knees are bad and this weather wreaks havoc on my joints. Surely you wouldn’t object to moving this conversation indoors?”

Gwen smiles and it’s hard to suppress the urge to punch her teeth down the back of her throat. Pretty white things that line her smile clearly well paid for with their commercial white gleam. 

“Come in then…”

Taking a step back Rey allows the wolves entrance, watching carefully as Snoke takes stock of her life. Pictures, mementos, pieces of the world she’s built up for herself and for her family line every wall. Poe and Finn and Luke surrounding a cake covered in sparklers. Luke running through the sprinkler at Skywalker's house while Wicket fires water guns at him from his position sitting on the steps. Beach trips, picnics, days spent at the park. Anytime, anywhere they had a camera in hand a picture was taken. Selfies, pictures too close up, pictures out of focus, pictures that Luke took, so proud of himself that they had to be printed off and put on display. 

Everything framed, everything hung, all but one, the newest addition, something Skywalker had printed off before heading back home. A candid image of Rey, Ben and Luke sitting in Luke’s hospital bed. They’re all looking at a book that Luke has cradled in his lap. Rey’s mouth looks like it’s moving, or maybe she’s laughing, it’s hard to tell but Ben, Ben is most definitely smiling. Happy, proud, _theirs._

That’s the image Snoke settles on, the one without a frame that sits propped on the self like an afterthought. Only it’s the furthest thing from an afterthought, “How quaint—“ Snoke drawls almost bitterly before taking a seat on the edge of the one chair in the room leaving Rey and Gwen to occupy opposite ends of the sectional couch. 

“Would you like something to drink?” She only offers to be polite, the only thing in the house is wine and water and there’s no way she’s offering these predators some of her good red. 

Snoke shakes his head still leaning on his cane as he sits, “Suppose we should get straight to the point?”

“That would be best I think.”

Gwen scoffs into the back of her hand disguising it as a cough while Snoke carries on, a man unfazed by the trivial, “Quite,” he hums softly, sitting with his knees bent, his hands presented before him, both propped against the ornate handle of his cane, “I’ll get straight to it then, this playing house thing you’ve started with Benjamin is cute but it ends now.”

Said so simply Rey thinks she must be hearing things she can’t help but sit a moment to let his words digest. Surely he didn’t just invite him into her home and— “Excuse me?”

“Don’t play dumb my dear, it’s not a good look for you.”

Anger mingles with exhaustion, her throat raw and sore every time she swallows so instead Rey simply gawks, “I think you both should leave.”

“I think you should sit quietly like a good little girl and listen to me,” this strange man orders, thumping his cane against the floor once for emphasis, “I have invested a lot of time and effort into Benjamin and I will not lose him to whatever little game you think you’re playing here.”

“We aren’t playing any game, we have a child together— Ben is— he’s a father,” Rey hears her voice crack, as she blinks between Gwen and this monster Snoke.

“Yes, and is there proof of that?” 

It’s without coherent thought that Rey bolts to her feet, steadying herself against the arm to the couch, “You need to leave— _now._ ” 

But Gwen has her hand raised, placating, condescending, rude, a gentle, “Sit down,” uttered off ruby painted lips as she leans forward encouraging Rey to sit down and listen. The message is clear: _know your place_.

She wants to lick them, to spread her sickness like a contemptuous patient zero but instead, she out and out refuses to play the role of obedient little host. Her shoulders squared, she crosses her arms and stares down this Snoke ghoul as he sits like a king upon her little patchwork throne, “I want you both out of my home, this was clearly a mistake.” 

Snoke tuts like he’s scolding a child, his head cocked as he offers her up in an infuriating smirk, “Sit down Miss Niima, this conversation is not over—“

“It is—“ Rey pushes.

With a sigh of exasperation, Snoke’s calm veneer cracks just a little. His blue eyes flickering with a dangerous sort of malice that seems misplaced and unsettling, “It is not,” he says with a firm sort of determination, the clack of his cane against the floor sharp, and final, “I’ve looked into you little girl, Rey Niima, adopted at sixteen by Luke Skywalker, you attended the University of Chandrilla where you went into nursing. It’s all so _mundane._ ” Like having an ordinary life is something to be ashamed of.

There is virtually nothing in her past that could be misconstrued as nefarious. Her only misadventure had been the one that led her here. A boy at a party, a beautiful stranger with eyes the color of amber and a mouth that she knew in her heart she was desperate to kiss.

“You took a year off for obvious reasons,” Snoke continues, “Finished with notable grades, all very impressive.”

“What’s your point in all of this?”

“My point, dear child is that I know every _thing_ about every _one_. Can you say the same? Is your faith in dear Benjamin so unflappable?”

She can see what he’s attempting to do, he’s trying to unsettle her, drive a wedge between her and Ben but it’s the ' _why_ ' that leaves her unsettled. “I trust Ben.”

“He is a trustworthy sort, loyal to a fault,” irony drips off of Snoke’s every word while Gwen shifts uncomfortably in her spot on the couch. Her legs are too long, her heels too high and yet still she attempts neutrality. Settling on a demure crossing of her ankles, weight shifted to one hip making her look like a beached and uncomfortable mermaid.

“He’s a good man,” Rey presses, the wind slipping from her sails as she shifts her weight from one foot to another.

“Mmmm,” Snoke muses, “Good, yes, I suppose he would like to think so.” 

“Why are you—“

“He never wanted children,” Not Snoke this time but Gwen, her voice smooth as silk, slithering along Rey’s spine like a python readying it’s coils, “At least, that was what he told me and I was fine with it. His mother blamed it on me of course, too ambitious—“ like ambition had anything to do with it, “But Ben didn’t want children.” 

What does it matter what Ben might have said in the past, what mattered was the now, the man who spent his every waking hour with a child he barely knew. The man who read stories in funny voices and snuck in chocolate bars and extra pudding cups when he thought Rey wasn’t paying any attention. The man who brought her soup and sat by patiently while she made up her mind— No his past meant nothing, not wanting kids, it didn’t make Ben a bad person and it isn’t enough to shake Rey’s faith in him now.

“Ahh— yes, I see where your mind is going. The ‘ _what does it matter, he’s happy now’_ —“ Snoke nods, “True enough but don’t you wonder the why of it?”

“It doesn’t matter—“

“But what if it does?” His cruel words make her oddly curious. A scary sort that betrays her, needling her resolve. Plugging in it’s ‘ _what if’s_ ’, filling her with a need to understand the larger story. He’s already shared so much, fractions of a past littered with heartache.

“I know about Kylo—“ 

Again Snoke cuts her off, his words like poison dipped in honey, “Ah yes, _Kylo_ , the governing impetus for all Ben’s life’s decisions— no child I’m not talking about Kylo—“

Then what— what could be so huge? “Oh, you naive little creature. Did you know then that Ben already _has_ a child?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY JUST TRUST ME OK?  
> Please feel free to yell at me in the comments or come say hello (Or scream at me) on [The Twitter](https://twitter.com/rebelscumreylo)  
> LOVE YOUUUUUU


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